Help me rephrase this

Blisterman

Not really sure, if this is creative writing, but this seems to be the best forum for finding smart people who are good at english, so I thought I'd ask you help.
Basically, I'm submitting an architecture project in college, and I have a page in my report showing my previous iterations of the design, and I want to put a short paragraph of text with it, something along the lines of.

My design went through several iterations, as I fixed problems, and improved my design. Here are some of them.

I need to sell myself here. Come across as someone who is hard working, can recognise their own mistakes and learn from them.
I don't want to imply that my early designs were bad. I want it to come across, that I was able to make them even better.

If anyone could help me with this, I'd really appreciate it, thanks.

randylonghorn

Blisterman wrote:

... this seems to be the best forum for finding smart people who are good at english ...

The hook ... ^^

Not sure how to word it myself (so I obviously don't fit the bill!) but the following words / phrases might be of some help ...

critique
critically reflecting
self-evaluation
fine-tuning
an ongoing process of ...

And it's just a thought, but rather than just saying "here are some of them" (or whatever) and leaving the assessor to figure out for himself what you decided to change and why, would it be worth putting a couple of lines with each one explaining what you felt needed to be improved, and how you went about it, thus demonstrating the process of reflection and improvement which you undertook?

Oracle

I've read your post saying want you want to say. I have some suggestions. I think your objective is to sound accomplished, knowledgeable, impressive and self-aware. To do this I've taken the words you've used and substituted them for longer, more impressive sounding ones. You're also trying to saying something about how you work, that you see mistakes learn from them and improve over time...so what's an impressive sounding word for that? One would be evolve. It's also a very suitable word for anything visual, such as architecture. So I've put that into a sentence- My designs evolve as a learn from each new project. I apply what I've learned from previous projects to my current work.

It's a good idea to give concrete examples of the problems you encountered and how you fixed them. Although you're selling yourself as well, so the key here is to do it in a positive way, or at least in a neutral way. Use action words appropriate to your subject, words like created, achieved, visualised, imagined. These will demonstrate your creative ability and dynamic approach. You can achieve that by using phrases like these:
I created the impression of greater fluidity and space within the structure with the use of X and Y.
Achieving balance, harmony and functionality was my priority so I emphasised X less and Y more.
When I read the brief I visualised a .......

To show you dealt with problems use words like overcame, challenged, transformed, shifted, dynamic. For example:
I overcame the challenge of insufficient light by introducing a custom designed atrium.

The point is to write anything except "there was X problem and I fixed it with Y." That's not impressive enough and doesn't say enough about your abilities. My advice would be to avoid using the word problem, or fix(ed). Just say what you did to make your designs beautiful, visually impressive and functional.

Sometimes architecture is about fixing problems but it's also about having a vision and communicating it to others. As a architect customers will what you to provide imaginative, functional solutions, within a budget and on time. Therefore upgrading the vocabulary of the language you use to a more conceptual level and adding those action-oriented words will show that you understand that. Inspire your readers with your creative designs that are constantly evolving; if you do the words will jump off the page and come alive in their minds. They'll be thinking "This person really knows their stuff." and that would be mission accomplished!

Good Luck.

P.S. Steal if you have to and it makes sense. Of course by that I mean if you're stuck for how to describe something don't re-invent the wheel, just pick up an architecture book and see how they've done it, select a key sentence or two then adapt them for your own use.

dan_y

I think it's fine the way it is. except the sentence structure is a little off. no point trying to sound more intelligent than you are. people respect effort, not intelligence.

"My design went through several iterations, as I fixed problems and made improvements. Here are some..."

Maccattack

dan_y wrote:

as I fixed problems and made improvements.

youre saying the same thing twice.


How about:


My design has been vastly improved by the following amendments:

substitute amendments for whatever word you like best...

dan_y

Maccattack wrote:

youre saying the same thing twice.

am not