"Friend with benefits" etiquette

Princess78

Me and a guy I knew had had a mini fling bout 4 years ago. The problem was I was going out with his friend at the time. Anyway I texted him to say I couldn't do it any more.

We met up again recently and have been "friends with benefits" for maybe 3 months. Have met up 5-6 times but were texting each other a few times a week about anything and everything.

Anyway we met up over christmas and I'll admit I was very drunk one night (it was my birthday!) so I might have said one or two things that he took the wrong way. Since then he's been replying to my texts but not really initiating any himself.

So I'm not texting him again. I'm not going to make a fool of myself running after him if he doesn't want to meet up anymore. All I want to know is "Is it bad form for him to just stop texting me? I'd appreciate a text saying he doesn't want to do it any more. Am I asking for too much?

Beruthiel

He owes you nothing, you owe him nothing, why do you care?

dame

Sorry to have to tell you but by becoming a "friend with benefits" you've really agreed to just be there for a quick sh*g whenever he feels like it. That's the way he sees it and he was probably delighted to have a woman at his beck and call when, and only when, he wanted her. He was only using you. I know you'll probably say you were only using him too but it's not that simple, is it? Otherwise you wouldn't posting here wondering about how to handle it now that he's cooling off.

You haven't told us what it was you said at Christmas but it does sound like he's decided that the "benefits" aren't worth the hassle. My guess is that you blurted out what you've been doing in front of his friends and/or became clingy, letting him know that you were getting emotionally involved.

He has no respect for you. If he did you would be his girlfriend and not just a throw-away "friend with benefits". Why did you ever become his "friend with benefits"? Do you feel that he's too good for you and that anything he offers you, you should be grateful for? Are you getting desperate for intimacy (of any sort) because your friends are all in steady relationships?

Pick up your pride and your dignity, finish this ridiculous nonsense and go and find yourself a proper man who will love and respect you.

Princess78

Princess78 wrote:

Anyway we met up over christmas and I'll admit I was very drunk one night (it was my birthday!) so I might have said one or two things that he took the wrong way. Since then he's been replying to my texts but not really initiating any himself.

So I'm not texting him again. I'm not going to make a fool of myself running after him if he doesn't want to meet up anymore. All I want to know is "Is it bad form for him to just stop texting me? I'd appreciate a text saying he doesn't want to do it any more. Am I asking for too much?

I suppose you started getting attached and said as much while drunk?
Neither of you owes each other anything, so drop it. Not like you're breaking up.

Deediddums

Rough situation Princess, at the end of the day though could it ever really work out? Seems to me that it probably wouldn't as he cannot be the most loyal of people given that he had a fling with you while you were going out with his friend. I'm not going to get all judgemental with you because I think good people do bad things all the time, out of whatever screwed up reasons that makes sense to them at the time. The reality though is that his "relationship" with you began when you were going out with his mate, now I am sure that you must have had issues in that relationship and were probably unhappy because I cannot understand what else would have led you to that point. The thing is though, he sees you as someone capable of cheating and his assessment of your worth as a potential partner will no doubt have been affected by this.
You're clearly not cut out for the "friends with benefits" situation, few of us are if we're really honest, very often we use it as a means to begin a proper relationship, very often that does that evolve. I think you are probably better than this. He sounds lke one of those guys who is nice to be mates with but a creep when it comes to women. You might say a text saying it's over will make it better but isn't that really just a device to resume communication.

Walk away, and do it now so that at least you can hold your head high while you go out looking for someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Best of luck.

BaZmO*

F buddies imo and experience never work cos at some stage someone always starts to feel more strongly about the situation and then it becomes a problem.

The best thing for the OP to do is to learn from it and move on.

The Hill Billy

Dame - I think that you're being a bit harsh on the chap. It is wrong to say that he has no respect for the OP. It is wrong to infer that he is not a "proper man."

Princess78 was obviously happy enough with the situation pre-Christmas & certainly didn't infer that he was abusing the "friend with benefits" situation or even that she was looking for "love & respect" from him.

OP slipped up & said something that may have lead her friend to think that she wanted to change the goal-posts on their "friendship". He may now be uncomfortable with this. The style of relationship that they were both part of may not conform to your world view. Big deal - It doesn't make him a monster.

OP - Sounds like time to have a chat with your friend. Be honest about what you want or don't want from your "friendship". If he walks away you'll have to accept it. You had no commitment to begin with. Best of luck.

tbh

totally depends what you said really. "I think I'm falling for you" and "Would your brother be up for a threesome" could both provoke that kind of reaction. But as ruthie said, what do you care?

Sleepy

dame wrote:

He has no respect for you. If he did you would be his girlfriend and not just a throw-away "friend with benefits". Why did you ever become his "friend with benefits"? Do you feel that he's too good for you and that anything he offers you, you should be grateful for? Are you getting desperate for intimacy (of any sort) because your friends are all in steady relationships?

Pick up your pride and your dignity, finish this ridiculous nonsense and go and find yourself a proper man who will love and respect you.

Christ, I've tasted lemons that were sweeter than that post!

Friends with benefits can be great if it's handled correctly.

OP, without knowing what you said and how you actually feel about him, it's very hard to advise you tbh.

cold_filter

again it depends what you said.
I had a friend with benefits, really good benefits.

We both got drunk sometimes but at the end of the day we really enjoyed the sex so a few drunken words didnt bother us

Princess78

What did I say? Actually nothing that has been suggested here! And definately didn't ask was his brother up for a threesome!

We had been talking, he'd said he'd kissed two girls lately, I said i'd kissed one guy. I then got grilled on who was he, when was it (when I told him he commented "that's the reason you didn't text me that night"), what exactly i'd done, where was I, did we exchange phone numbers etc etc. After this he asked me if I was jealous of the girl he was with - and to be honest I felt after his reaction I had to say yes! But i did it in a jokey "Of course I'm jealous of a 20 year old" kinda way (I'm 28). One other thing - I asked him what night he'd been with her. He'd been out in one town me in another. he'd sent me a text message that night. "did you have a good night. Not too good I hope"

Dame - wow you seem to have a lot of anger towards the situation. Even your frowney face as a title. I have to say I don't really agree with any of your points. No he's not too good for me, I'm not "grateful" (although the orgasms are great), i'm not desperate for intimacy and my friends aren't all in steady relationships. Oh and my pride and dignity are very much intact but thank you anyway!

I guess my question was more "is it rude of him to just stop contacting me" rather than "Oh my god he has stopped contacting me what do I do!" I don't have a lot invested emotionally here. Sure he was a nice guy but I'm not heartbroken or anything. Guess maybe I'm just a bit old fashioned. I understand not bothering contacting a one night stand again but this was just a little bit more.

cold_filter

Princess78 wrote:

What did I say? Actually nothing that has been suggested here! And definately didn't ask was his brother up for a threesome!

We had been talking, he'd said he'd kissed two girls lately, I said i'd kissed one guy. I then got grilled on who was he, when was it (when I told him he commented "that's the reason you didn't text me that night"), what exactly i'd done, where was I, did we exchange phone numbers etc etc. After this he asked me if I was jealous of the girl he was with - and to be honest I felt after his reaction I had to say yes! But i did it in a jokey "Of course I'm jealous of a 20 year old" kinda way (I'm 28). One other thing - I asked him what night he'd been with her. He'd been out in one town me in another. he'd sent me a text message that night. "did you have a good night. Not too good I hope"

He's doing that cos he probably likes you and now there's a chance you might not be there anymore. You should call him on it (if you like him and would like a proper relationship) and see what he says if he just wants sex maybe its time to call it a day unless you still want it from him

aidan_walsh

Sounds to me like he as the one starting to get attached, and couldn't handle that you had kissed someone else. He mayhave only mentioned the other two girls to see how you would react to it, trying to see if you would be jealous and it backfired on him.

dame

Hill Billy wrote:

Dame - I think that you're being a bit harsh on the chap. It is wrong to say that he has no respect for the OP. It is wrong to infer that he is not a "proper man."

By a "proper man" I meant one who actually wanted a relationship. On the respect issue - I know a male frind who became "friends with benefits" as he put it with a girl who really fancied him. She was a lovely girl but just not as stunning as he thought his girlfriend should be. Anyway, he strung her along with the odd sh*g now and again for over a year. He would ignore her while out, flirt with other girls and "pull" whenever he could, all in front of her. The "friend with benefits" would only really get a look in when the night was getting late and he hadn't pulled. They'd get together about once every two weeks. I know he didn't have any respect for her because he would tell her to get off him, people would think she was his girlfriend and he'd never score. He'd also talk about her behind her back with his male friends (one of whom was my boyfriend) and it just did his ego a world of good to have her at his beck and call. There was just no talking to this girl, I tried. She had fancied him for years and was convinced they were soul-mates and that he'd realise it one day. The situation continued when he moved abroad (meeting up whenever he was home every few months) and it only stopped when he met his first real girlfriend, who he now lives with. The "friend with benefits" is still mad about him and thinks that things with his girlfriend won't work out because she and him have "such a strong connection and such history together". Sorry about the long story, but that's what can happen in these situations.

OP, buy yourself a vibrator. Much simpler.

Oh and I do think you're not suited to the "friend with benefits" situation. You do sound like you'd rather have a proper relationship. Personally I wouldn't go asking him what he wanted from the relationship, not unless you do want a relationship with him. It's probably quite clear to him that the situation was just "friends with benefits", no strings attached. If you go questioning him about it he'll just decide you're definitely clingy and could quite possibly run a mile. I would just quit contacting him and be polite but maintain your distance slightly when you meet him out.

Ultimately, do what you want but remember it's all about your own dignity and self respect now.


Edit:

Just saw your reply OP. Sounds like he's the one getting attached alright. In that case, maybe a relationship with him would be possible if that's what you want. In any case "freinds with benefits" is probably a non-runner anymore now that one of you is getting more involved.

Why post at all if all that was bothering you was, was he rude to stop contacting you? In any situation it can be rude to stop contacting someone you've been in regular contact with, out of the blue, without telling them why. It's hardly cause for too much concern though, he is still replying to your texts.

You didn't provide full facts. Assumptions were valid, given my friend's situation.

Princess78

Just realised I forgot one of the most important bits - after I said I was jealous he said something like "this is getting dangerous that we're both jealous" That same night he was talking about booking a hotel for a night cause we both live at home and it's awkward getting time together.

Again, I can walk away from the situation right now with no bad feelings or regrets. It just seems rude to me to not acknowledge that he doesn't want to do it any more! That's my point.

Faith

Why don't you contact him saying you don't want to do it anymore? It seems clear to me that you'll not get a message from him saying that because he does still want to do it, but is starting to want more.

LegacyUser

'

Princess78 wrote:

Me and a guy I knew had had a mini fling bout 4 years ago. The problem was I was going out with his friend at the time. Anyway I texted him to say I couldn't do it any more.

We met up again recently and have been "friends with benefits" for maybe 3 months. Have met up 5-6 times but were texting each other a few times a week about anything and everything.

Anyway we met up over christmas and I'll admit I was very drunk one night (it was my birthday!) so I might have said one or two things that he took the wrong way. Since then he's been replying to my texts but not really initiating any himself.

So I'm not texting him again. I'm not going to make a fool of myself running after him if he doesn't want to meet up anymore. All I want to know is "Is it bad form for him to just stop texting me? I'd appreciate a text saying he doesn't want to do it any more. Am I asking for too much?

How could he take what you said the wrong way, if you just told him you kissed another guy?.
Hmm. But anyway..
1. maybe the dude got strong feelings for you or something+ the only way he can deal with it is to cut off contact.
2. Or maybe, he is just being an ass. Especially, since he did have a fling with you while you were going out with one of his friends. What sort of person would do that to a friend.
3. If you want to continue the friends with benefits things etc, then it is probably a good idea to let him initiate texting you. As i've found guys seem to like to have a bit of a challenge+ it sounds like your making it easy for him by always texting him first.
4. I personally do think it's rude of him... bt then again, I guess the whole 'friends with benefits' etiquette, means that there's probably not much you can do about it.. 'Friends with benefits' has its benefits obviously, but how long can it go on for, without one person feeling something more... it's an extremely 'hazy' situation...
I reckon you either need to sway one way or the other... + try going out, or end the situation completely.'

P78: ahh. In that case, he probably has jealousy issues and wants more I'd say.
Sounds like you're better off without him if that's how he handles it...
might be a bit rude but not enough to demand an explanation from him or anything

BaZmO*

dame wrote:

By a "proper man" I meant one who actually wanted a relationship. On the respect issue - I know a male frind who became "friends with benefits" as he put it with a girl who really fancied him. She was a lovely girl but just not as stunning as he thought his girlfriend should be. Anyway, he strung her along with the odd sh*g now and again for over a year. He would ignore her while out, flirt with other girls and "pull" whenever he could, all in front of her. The "friend with benefits" would only really get a look in when the night was getting late and he hadn't pulled. They'd get together about once every two weeks. I know he didn't have any respect for her because he would tell her to get off him, people would think she was his girlfriend and he'd never score. He'd also talk about her behind her back with his male friends (one of whom was my boyfriend) and it just did his ego a world of good to have her at his beck and call. There was just no talking to this girl, I tried. She had fancied him for years and was convinced they were soul-mates and that he'd realise it one day. The situation continued when he moved abroad (meeting up whenever he was home every few months) and it only stopped when he met his first real girlfriend, who he now lives with. The "friend with benefits" is still mad about him and thinks that things with his girlfriend won't work out because she and him have "such a strong connection and such history together". Sorry about the long story, but that's what can happen in these situations.

That's so no a "Friends with benefits" situation. That's just a girl that's infatuated with a guy and is willing to be treated like sh1t just so that she can be with him.

OP - Just read over your first post again and I'm actually not sure what you're p1ssed off about. You say he replies to your texts but doesn't initiate texting himself. It's not as if he's being rude and not replying. It just sounds like he's after getting a reality check, i.e. he thought that he had the freedom to meet anyone that he wants and still have you as a safety net. And when he realised that you were actually seeing other people too he couldn't handle it. You need to decide what you want from the situation and tell him that. But I reckon the whole F-buddy thing is over unless it turns into a proper relationship.

dame

BaZmO* wrote:

That's so no a "Friends with benefits" situation. That's just a girl that's infatuated with a guy and is willing to be treated like sh1t just so that she can be with him.

I agree, that's exactly what it was but try telling her that! They described each other as "friends with benefits", she fondly, he in not such a nice way.

free2fly

Didn't you post another thread about this guy a few weeks ago? He told you he was with another girl and you lied and said you were with another guy, and then he said it was dangerous if you were both getting jealous?

I'm not sure why you feel he's being rude. He is answering your text messages, just not intiating them anymore.

dame

free2fly wrote:

Didn't you post another thread about this guy a few weeks ago? He told you he was with another girl and you lied and said you were with another guy, and then he said it was dangerous if you were both getting jealous?

I'm not sure why you feel he's being rude. He is answering your text messages, just not intiating them anymore.

Yes, I've just found it, Princess78 did post on this on 09-01-07 at 14:21. It's back two pages of threads and I'm not sure how to link it. Maybe someone else can help? When you read the other thread along with this one, things become so much clearer. (Actually I think I'll post something on it to bring it up beside this one again for comparison).

OP, Reading the other thread it seems like you are the one getting emotionally involved, not him. You've told the story a little differently in this thread, with a different slant on it, making it appear that he is the one who's probably getting more emotionally involved. Now I think you're only looking for people to tell you what you want to hear, ie that he's starting to want more and that a relationship is possible between you two.

All your bluster about not being emotionally involved yourself (and being able walk away) is just that, bluster, trying to protect your own feelings.

If you want a relationship with him then ask him. If he says no, then he says no. If you don't want a relationship then stop worrying about a little matter like less text messages from him.

free2fly

Here you go http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055038473 Quite a different story.

AngryBadger

dame wrote:

I agree, that's exactly what it was but try telling her that! They described each other as "friends with benefits", she fondly, he in not such a nice way.

That just means your friend is a fool. how does this make the guy she's shagging a bad person? He knows she's available for sex, she's willing, he's not doing anything wrong. If your friend has stronger feelings for him that's her problem not his.

Honestly, where do you get off making it one person's responsibility to protect someone else from themselves?

Talliesin

This all looks like two people liking the idea of "friend with benefits" and thinking it will be easy and finding that it isn't.

Think of the very question being about etiquette. Etiquette is a set of rules within a given culture for handling various common situations that regularly come up between people. You've stepped outside of how things generally work in our culture, so you have to either find yourself another culture or subculture (e.g. the swinging subculture) where this is more the norm and use its etiquette, or else you have to work these things out for yourself.

Since just ignoring someone is very rarely considered polite behaviour it doesn't look like he's managed that working-things-out-for-himself very well in this case.

The rest of the threads seem to indicate that neither of you have managed to work things out for yourselves, including in much more serious things.

It reads much more like the two of you stumbled through the whole thing with your eyes closed tbh.

DublinWriter

The problem with 'Functional Friends' as I like to call it, is that eventually one party will get hot and the other party will get cold.

It's a bit like buying a hamburger and then complaining because you're a vegetarian.

Gran Hermano

Sorry Princess but he's in the right and you're in the wrong.

You broke the rules by getting attached emotionally.
Maybe you should remind yourself the benefits part does not
include what you were so obvioulsy looking for - you sure you
didnt want a birthday present and then spit the dummy out when
you didnt get what you want?

Maybe if you stopped acting like a spoilt princess and accepted a
F_uck Buddy situation for what it really is (nothing more than a mutual
quick shag that suits both parties) you may not be feeling so
dejected and hard done by.

You cant go home crying if you dont like the rules, you knew them from
the start and should have pulled out long ago if you didnt agree.

I've had several FBs over the years and it only ends in tears if one
party has incorrect expectations or is dishonest about what they really
want. Becoming someone's FB is not a path to becoming their boyfriend or
girlfriend. It suits some of us fine but clearly you were dishonest to both
yourself and him and it sounds like the drink revealed the truth.

Princess78 wrote:

I'm not going to make a fool of myself

You already made a fool of yourself by pretending you were ok with one thing
when you clearly were not. The only person making you look foolish is you.

Cant say I blame him for running.

LegacyUser

'

AngryBadger wrote:

That just means your friend is a fool. how does this make the guy she's shagging a bad person? He knows she's available for sex, she's willing, he's not doing anything wrong. If your friend has stronger feelings for him that's her problem not his.

Honestly, where do you get off making it one person's responsibility to protect someone else from themselves?

I think she was just pointing out the pitfalls when one falls for the other. Not saying he was a bad person for not protecting his f_ck buddy from herself. In Princess's case the guy's prob doing a good thing by breaking off the contact before it gets to serious.

Princess, you need to stop lying, to him and yourself. And to people here to (two different stories posted about same thing). It was your little lie that undid the situation you had in first place but that's prob not a bad thing cos you were getting a bit attached anyway.'

Talliesin

Gran Hermano wrote:

I've had several FBs over the years and it only ends in tears if one
party has incorrect expectations or is dishonest about what they really
want.

I disagree. Indeed I think the idea that you can guarantee it won't end in tears in such a case is in itself an incorrect expectation. Things can always go wrong with anything involving people. That said, if you aren't prepared for them going wrong you should stop before you begin.

Sparky

I don't have any "F buddys" myself, but I have seen friends of mine get too attached and fall into the trap of jealousy too.

The example I have here is the two of them would generally meet up as friends etc and end up "riding each other", as he would say. Of course this suited them both, but he got used to the fact that he could organise meeting up and likewise she could too and they would have sex.
She went on a holiday to Spain and whatever happened she got to know this other lad from Dublin while over and hence decided to go out with him. Seeing as this had happened, she had then stopped becoming a "F buddy" with my mate.
He actually got very jealous because of this. Even though it suited them both to not be BF and GF, in fairness he fell foul of it and took it emotionally when she met this guy.

I think it's an area you must venture into being prepared that it wont last forever. It's a two way street aswell. You may meet someone too at some stage and your f buddy may then fall foul too.

Moral of the story is to take it as you get it and try not to get hurt when it has to end.

Laslo

dame wrote:

Sorry to have to tell you but by becoming a "friend with benefits" you've really agreed to just be there for a quick sh*g whenever he feels like it. That's the way he sees it and he was probably delighted to have a woman at his beck and call when, and only when, he wanted her. He was only using you. I know you'll probably say you were only using him too but it's not that simple, is it? Otherwise you wouldn't posting here wondering about how to handle it now that he's cooling off.

You haven't told us what it was you said at Christmas but it does sound like he's decided that the "benefits" aren't worth the hassle. My guess is that you blurted out what you've been doing in front of his friends and/or became clingy, letting him know that you were getting emotionally involved.

He has no respect for you. If he did you would be his girlfriend and not just a throw-away "friend with benefits". Why did you ever become his "friend with benefits"? Do you feel that he's too good for you and that anything he offers you, you should be grateful for? Are you getting desperate for intimacy (of any sort) because your friends are all in steady relationships?

Pick up your pride and your dignity, finish this ridiculous nonsense and go and find yourself a proper man who will love and respect you.

About the best advice on this thread to be honest. This whole 'friend with benefits' thing is so souless and vapid that it makes me laugh. One night stands and temporary release is all well and good but actually using someone, on an ongoing basis, for sex is just pathetic. Letting yourself being used for sex is even worse.