I Cant Go On

LegacyUser

Hey.

I really dont know where to start with whats wrong with me, so I figure ill just go chronologically, like a miniature autobiography. Im 19 and in my first year of college just so you know. This might be a bit all over the place so please forgive me.

My main problem is my weight I guess. Im not obese, just overweight. Im just over 15st and 6 foot tall. I cant remember the last time i wore a t-shirt on its own Im that ashamed of my body. Ive tried dieting, it just seems ive been on a diet and excercise routine for the past 5 years without effect. So when I was on a school trip in 5th year it was hard to believe that I met a girl who was not just interested in me, but a breathtakingly beautiful girl (Shes a model and I really dont know what she sees in me) and with the nicest personality you could find. The thing is, she lives over 6 hours away so its the long distance relationship really. I had nearly too many friends in secondary school looking back because now I dont feel I have any. In college, I think i left it too late to try socialise. Ive always found it hard appraoching strangers, but now all the groups and 'clicks' have been formed and seem closed to be honest. The 2 guys im living with are nice blokes, but not my kinda people if ya know what I mean? We have totally different interests. In a class of about 40 people, I really only talk to 1 and even with him our conversations dont have much substance (he went to the same secondary school as me) My life also seems to have a ridiculously monotonous routine. I go to college every weekday, come home, go on the internet and maybe watch a dvd on my own then go to bed at some ridiculously late hour. Repeat this process until the weekend where on saturday, my mother (my father left home ages ago) wants me to help around the house so i cant really go anywhere. I should also mention that I dont drink, so going out to clubs and pubs is a bit of a no-no as those i would go with tend to get very pissed, and as a sober person, are not very fun to hang out with at that stage. On sunday, i go back to college to begin another excrutiating week. I spend most evenings on my own in my room listening to music or using the internet or reading. Things with my girlfriend seem to be iffy too. Ive always been absolutely in love with her, and without wanting to sound bigheaded, ive always known she was in love with me but lately the feeling from her doesnt seem to be as strong anymore. I know she still loves me, but I dont think its to the same extent and I dont know why. We see each other once, sometimes twice a month and talk almost every day on the phone so I dont know what went wrong. With her starting college next year, things will probably be harder. I should also mention im not happy with my choice of course as, doing a business course, i yearn for something more creative. Its got to the stage where tonight, I thought over everything and just began to cry at the state of my life. I have no friends, and my girlfriend, who is actually my best friend, is 6 hours away. I have no liking for college life, and i should also mention im on a strict budget which doesnt allow for much trips to the cinema, bowling etc. (not that i could pick someone whod want to go with me) Ive even imagined what id be like if my girlfriend broke up with me and i couldnt picture anything to live for. Her, and my mother and brothers, are basically all that are stopping me from doing something drastic. Ive cried myself to sleep a lot down here where I live, im just so, i dont know, frustrated that im 19, im in college, i have a beautiful and caring girlfriend - what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like im a waste of space.

Im sorry if this has been hard to read, but its hard to keep an appropriate order to it all. thanks for listening.

py2006

Sick&Tired wrote:

I go to college every weekday, come home, go on the internet and maybe watch a dvd on my own then go to bed at some ridiculously late hour. Repeat this process until the weekend .

Sick&Tired wrote:

I spend most evenings on my own in my room listening to music or using the internet or reading. .

Without reading your entire post just yet I have come accross these 2 points! This needs to change. Long hours in front of computer or tv every night bogs you down. It makes you feel really run down and tired and pretty much lifeless the next day! This is also not helping your weight issue!

I strongly suggest that you make it your business to do something different every evening and by different I mean outside the house! Even if it starts out by going for walks in the evening. Start going to bed at reasonable hours aswell!

Although you are not a drinking you can go mid week or on a friday and have a couple orange juices and make the effort to talk to people in the group! It will make you feel alot better about yourself!

If you can take up a sport or karate one evening a week. You will be surprised how better it will make you feel.

The worst thing to do after a day sitting in college/work is to come home and do the same in front of tv/computer!

Do you have a job by the way? If your strapped for cash why not take up a part-time job! One of the best things I did when I was 18 was to get a job were I was dealing with people everyday! It totally brought me out of my shell and I made some friends out of it!


Best of luck!

py2006

Also your gf could be picking up on all the negativety from you when your conversing over the phone! She may be thinking that your loosing interest.

If your unhappy in your course you could consider changing? Your still young! If your are not far off completing it then stick it out and move on to something else!

Is it possible to do something that closer to were your gf lives?

Doghouse

You sound quite depressed. Whether that's the cause of your situation or the result of it is hard to tell but I think the most important thing to remember is that there's nothing about your situation that you can't change. It's easy to get stuck in a rut, especially if you suffer from low self-esteem, but it's totally possible to get out of it too though it often isn't easy and things don't change overnight. It's good to have a plan and it can give you a reason to keep going even when you feel like giving up. You mentioned that you'd be interested in doing a college course in something more creative. It might be worth discussing this with the career guidance person in your college. Changing courses, although it might be a lot of hassle at first, might help you feel more positive about what you're doing with your life and you might find you'd have more in common with a different type of classmate. As regards your evenings - maybe you could join some sort of college society? Maybe the film society? This might be a good way of meeting people in a context that revolves around more than getting drunk alone. I don't really know what advice to give as regards your girlfriend but I would say not to jump to any conclusions about how she feels about you. Your own self-esteem issues might be putting a paranoid slant on things. It might be an idea to ask her if there's anything wrong instead of persecuting yourself trying to second guess her. You might also think about seeing a counsellor to have a chat about things. Most colleges will have one and if it is a case that you need help in fighting how you're feeling then this is a good place to start.

S5

Exercise is definately the key here. I know some colleges have gyms that offer student rates or even free I think (not too sure there) but you should look into that. Once you start getting active you're whole life will change. You'll be brighter, alert, meet new people at the gym as its all social interaction. Things with your girlfriend will improve in more ways than one You can change courses in the college new year. You have to set about making the changes yourself otherwise you'll get nowhere fast!

Steyr

Man the Gyms are sheite, the best thing for you is Swimming, i used to be 18stone and i hated myself im now down to 12stone through swimming as it utilises EVERY muscle in your body and its an all over work out, i used to wear XL clothing i now wear Medium, it took me 6months of swimming to shift 6stone ( 5nights a week for 45mins ) and i recommend it to anybody, it would also help if you started cycling from A to B and that will also increase your fitness and you will feel good about yourself, and drink loads of water, only eat when really hungry and NEVER eat after 8PM as that whne your body's metabolism slows down and if you eat that late then your body wont digest food properly and will store it as fat. Hope this helps.

Kell

Sick&Tired wrote:

frustrated that im 19, im in college, i have a beautiful and caring girlfriend - what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like im a waste of space.

One thing that struck me- you said you are 19 and may have left it too late to socialise in college even though, as I read it, you are only in your first year. Does that not appear odd to you?

Daftly I am going to quote a lyric from the genius that is Neil Finn. It goes "breaking down might just be your release" or something to that effect. You are young. Incredibly so (apologies if I am being patronising*). YOU are totally and utterly in control of your own life. If your college course doesnt suit, change it. If you are unhappy in your location away from your GF, change it too. YOU dont have to accept anything that is getting you down, but it has to start somewhere.

Little gem of advice from old uncle Kell here- in order to effect change in your life, you need to start with a vision of what you want and a definite decision to change it. Once you start making change in the direction of what you want, good things follow and decisions and change gets easier. Not only that, but things weirdly work out of their own accord.

OP- whats stopping you changing your situation? Money? Get a job. Location? Move. Your weight? Doesnt matter- your description of you GF makes me want to shág her, so whats the problem?

What I have just written seems too simple, but its not. The biggest problem is making the first move to improve your life. I take it you are away from your home town/city in college? Fúck that. Is there a Fás centre in your home area that you can apply for something that interests you? And if its not Fás, get a job in a pub and do a day course in something that actually interests you.

Hate to rain on your parade, but what you have described is life as usual for a lot of people who deal with their situation. You dont have the skills to deal with it is all, and who could blame you for that given your age.

Have a long hard think about what it is you actually want to do, and then go and do it. Forget thinking, just dive in.

K-

*I apologised for something I said. Oh dear. Must be Friday or something

superman12345

OP:
You do realise that being unhappy and negative is not an attractive trait for your girlfriend. Also the fact that you don't have other things going on in your life will mean that you will get clingy and suffocate her.

Here is what you'll need to do:
One: become a happy, positive person with lots going on his life, and with a good social network.

Here is how:

Do something different every day.
1. Join a number of different clubs and societies (I would suggest you avoid "geeky" clubs - like WARPs etc. - try and do things where there is equal male and female participation).
You should be doing something at least 4 times a week. If these things are something you are passionate about or could become passionate about all the better. Also something that happens on the weekends would be great.
This will mean that when you interact with people you won't come across as too clingy. Why? Because you'll always have something else to do.
IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO MAKE FRIENDS IF YOU COME ACROSS AS CLINGY.

Try sports, music, cooking.
Dancing is great because of the male and female aspects.

2. As part of this, become more social, learn to be happy with yourself - know that you are improving yourself. Take an interest in people. Have empathy for people. Find out what is unique about them. What are their interests, passions. Basically CONNECT with them. (This is easier if you have passions in your life).


3. Become active - do aerobic exercise of some sort. Running, Cycling etc.
Exercise will help you with your weight, also proper exercise (1-2 hours 3 times a week) will release endorphins - and make you a happier person generally.
Once you are more active, try and integrate that into your life - cycle to college, into town etc. Your eating habits will also change.

I would also suggest getting up early (say 7am-8am) everyday - make a routine, it helps.

dame

I know what you are saying OP - it can be hard to make friends in college once the cliques have formed. The best way to deal with your classmates at this stage is to sit beside a different person/group every day for say, the next week. Get to your lectures early and make conversation with the people on either side of you. You can talk about anything, eg "Hi, I'm *Tom*. I'm from **. Where are you from? How are you finding the course? Isn't that lecturer crap or great?" The next step is to smile and say hi whenever you pass someone from your class around campus. After that, ask people what they do to pass their evenings. Nobody will look twice at you if you say you're bored and ask them what clubs/societies are the best in your college. The final step is to actually join at least one of the clubs and at least one of the societies, join in the activities/training and start talking to the other people there. If there are class parties you should go along even if it's only for an hour or two in the college bar, just to meet and talk to people. You don't have to drink. Just tell anyone who asks that you don't drink.

You've said you're on a tight budget so would it be possible for you to get a part-time job? Lots of students do it and you can always cut down your hours or give it up coming near to exam time. A few hours say two nights a week in a shop or cinema or somewhere would get you out of your room, force you to meet people and also add some money to your kitty.

College courses can be changed but you should look into that straight away as some colleges have a deadline for 1st year students transferring to another course, which will probably be coming up around now.

If you need something creative to stimulate you then you could join the art society, photographic society or something similar in college.

You really need to get out and get a hobby of some sort as well as some exercise so the above should help that. The time for procrastinating is over, it's time to get pro-active. I would aim to have an activity to go to at least four times a week by Easter. For example, swimming or a sporty club on Mon, work for couple of hours on Tues, a society that interests you on Wed and work or a sporty club again on Thurs.

There are also lots of voluntary groups you could join. St Vincent de Paul or Simon Community etc have a branch in most colleges. Getting involved with their activities is a great way to help others and help yourself to feel good about yourself. Oh, and it'll also help you to meet people.


Like others have said, your girlfriend could simply be picking up on your own negativity. Or maybe she's getting bored of chatting about nothing online every evening. It sounds like you rely on her to fulfil most of your needs and that is not healthy. Get out and about as above, and your tone will be more upbeat and your conversations more varied when you are speaking to her. People respond to positive people, remember that and you'll be fine. Best of luck OP.

Edit: Oh, and I agree with the others - it would be no harm to pop down to the college counselling service for a chat. That's what they're there for.

kowloon

What i would give to be in college and the same age as the other students (i.e not older), for a start, id pick up an interesting sport, like beating people with sticks (theres some proper oriental name for this, someone enlighten me), i would have travelled, met exotic women, rode them like a wild stallion (or tried), youre 19 ffs!!
You have at the very least a decade of madness before you have to be out of education and respectable, at this rate you'll be wandering around homebase looking for interesting planters before youre 30, not good.
Basing your life around one woman is setting yourself up for a hit, get an interesting job, dont ever refuse the opportunity to go out for a night.
Join the Beer Soc, Skydiving Soc, the Beer and Skydiving Soc.........
Worrying about weight is a waste of time.

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks to everyone who offered some advice. Im not trying to blame my problems on anyone, I know the buck stops with me and most of you were right: the issues with my girlfriend were because of her picking up on my negativity. We had a long lengthy chat and I kind of have a plan as such that I intend to stick to. I kind of realised that most of my unhappiness stemmed from my weight so by tackling that first, Im hoping it will improve a few aspects of my life. Hell, without even knowing, I lost 4lbs in the last two weeks so ever little helps, right?

I really liked the idea of joining a voluntary group while in college (Im going to Romania to help build houses in the summer, but why wait to help!?) so its something Im going to do as soon as I get back (I have a week off after exams). As for joining a sports club, im not really the sporty type but I do intend to excercise regularly from now on, and stick to the improved diet Ive been on. Friendship wise, Im hoping that a loss in weight will result in an improvement in confidence which should help me make new friends.

Im sorry if I seemed overly desperate in my first post, but with the mood swings I seem to have lately, I was in a pretty bad one when I posted it (Im in a good mood now which is great) so again, thanks for taking the time to respond, it really means a lot to me and I appreciate it. I'll leave you with probably the most clichéd and simple quote that my girlfriend said to me tonight, yet one which filled me with so much hope for the future:

'Life is what you make it.'

All the best, and thanks again.

InFront

It's great that you're feeling more postive but if I could suggest one more thing: make a huge effort to expand/ create a strong circle of close friends. There's no reason for anyone not to have one. The next time you are feeling bad there will be other posters again in pi to advise you, but as good as PI is, we don't know you, and there's a terrible once-off-ness about it. Problems like suicidal feelings can't be remedied in a few posts.

Having a circle of close friends to talk about (and remember and look out for) your problems is what you really seem to need, so I hope you get it. Your weight is not a spectacular problem, although I can see why you want to make yourself feel better about your self image, and as you say that should help your confidence. But my biggest piece of advice is make friends. It's college, most people never stop maing friends right through college: you are not too late.

Black Swan

Sick&Tired wrote:

My main problem is my weight I guess. Im not obese, just overweight.

Joining a gym does not often work, cause it relies on a lot of personal initiative to continue. Most drop after awhile. What about joining a sport or doing martial arts? Get in with some people that are trying to improve themselves physically, while having a little fun during the process? A little espirit de corps might keep you working out with them? Strenuous workouts can raise your metabolism rate, improve your health, and reduce your weight.

Laura Fitz06

sounds like your in a rut feeling sorry for yourself wont get ya anywhere . instead of sitting in your room alone at night get a job part time or something no wonder your gf is slipping away what do u have to say to each other if u dont do anything mon to fri ... maybe you should start to drink might bring you out of yourself a bit .

Twinkle-star15

Laura Fitz06 wrote:

maybe you should start to drink might bring you out of yourself a bit .

Alcohol is a depressant, so drinking it when you're feeling low isn't really the best idea. And depressed people are more likely to become addicted to toxic substances, so REALLY stay away from the alcohol.

dame

Sick&Tired wrote:

Hey, thanks to everyone who offered some advice. Im not trying to blame my problems on anyone, I know the buck stops with me and most of you were right: the issues with my girlfriend were because of her picking up on my negativity. We had a long lengthy chat and I kind of have a plan as such that I intend to stick to. I kind of realised that most of my unhappiness stemmed from my weight so by tackling that first, Im hoping it will improve a few aspects of my life. Hell, without even knowing, I lost 4lbs in the last two weeks so ever little helps, right?

I really liked the idea of joining a voluntary group while in college (Im going to Romania to help build houses in the summer, but why wait to help!?) so its something Im going to do as soon as I get back (I have a week off after exams). As for joining a sports club, im not really the sporty type but I do intend to excercise regularly from now on, and stick to the improved diet Ive been on. Friendship wise, Im hoping that a loss in weight will result in an improvement in confidence which should help me make new friends.

Im sorry if I seemed overly desperate in my first post, but with the mood swings I seem to have lately, I was in a pretty bad one when I posted it (Im in a good mood now which is great) so again, thanks for taking the time to respond, it really means a lot to me and I appreciate it. I'll leave you with probably the most clichéd and simple quote that my girlfriend said to me tonight, yet one which filled me with so much hope for the future:

'Life is what you make it.'

All the best, and thanks again.

Hi there, so glad to hear you're feeling more positive and have talked with your girlfriend and formed a plan. Making the first step is usually the hardest so it'll all flow on from here hopefully.

Just one further point if I may. You say you're not really the sporty type so sports clubs wouldn't be for you. Have you actually looked at what sports clubs there are in your college. There are a lot such as say Tai Chi that are more than suitable for anyone of any physical ability or fitness level to take up. New members are always welcome. Try not to dismiss all sports just because you may not be soccer player or sprinter.

Best of luck with the plan and remember your girlfriends words; life really is what you make it!

walrusgumble

the thai chi (if thats how you spell it) is a great idea. its new thing to do and you may learn something new. i am not saying go to gym just to losse the weight (my god how boring that can be, like a core) but at least something like thai chi or swimming would be good for ya. healthy body and a healthy mind.

i totaly agree with everyone that staying in your room is not he solution. if ya feel down maybe go for a long walk to your favourite place and try and clear your mind with all the negativity. going to the class early to speak to people is a very good idea. if one of your classmates stop you in the hall and ask if ya fancy going for tea/coffee at break take them up on their offer. if you dont try to make any effort they may see you as stuck up and will be harder to be friends in the future. because, just because there is a click between groups now in 1st year does not mean they will be in the same group by 4th yr. you may have noticed this in secondary school.

maybe try and find something in common with your housemates, just keep chatting to them. maybe even spend a few more hours with them in the evening in the sitting room. if your bored with them at tleast its better been bored with them than been stuck up in your room alone.

6 hours away from gf, that is nothing, maybe take two days off (go on your only a first year)and see if you could head over to where your gf is for a night (if she agrees) it be somewhere new, new people and you get to she her. once off mind you dont want to be clingy. maybe pretend to not be down in front of her, let her do the talking as in asking her how she is etc

any way good luck, take control of your life, your only 19 so relax guy

astraboy

If you want to meet more people, join a society. Any medium sized or large college in the country will have a soc or club for anything. Look up the meeting times on the net, and go to a few meetings. If you wanted to get politically active, join one of the parties in college. Or try one of the sports clubs, maybe mounteering or something. If you go once, and hate it its no problem, but you may like it and socs are great for meeting people. You will buid up a bigger network of friends and this will allow you to meet more people and get out of the house more.

As for your weight, don't read too much into it. If you want to drop a few pounds there are loads of fun ways of doing it. Set aside a few hours a week for going for a walk or gym time. This will make you feel more energetic and better able to deal with the things life throughs at you. As I said above, looking up for a sports club to join would help this matter too as well as introduce you to people.
I was NEVER the sporty type in school but in college I have found several things I am into and have gotten into a sports club and the gym in a large way. You'll notice more peope saying hi to you around college and this will definately help you feel better! As for your class, you will be spending a lot of time with them, so maybe try sitting beside a different person each class and spark a conversation. 90% of first years are in the same boat. Try going to a class party and talking to some people from the class, one the ice is broken between people it is very easy to get to know a few friends.

Good luck man!