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Is it love possible after an affair?

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,678 ✭✭✭ArphaRima


    I base absolutely everything I ever do on trust. I never doubt girlfriends or friends, never worry about somebody breaking it. People I cannot trust are not my friends.

    If somebody were to deliberately and consistantly break that trust (1 year) I would rather never see them again. A drunken shag is one thing. A 1 year lie is another.

    This is a highly divisive topic. Everybody responds differently. But I am certain as to how I would feel. Then again, I'm not a father yet.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Thanks for all your help. I think I would find it easier if I could find a way to trust her again. I dont know what it is I expect her to do to rebuild trust. I invested my life into this marriage, it is hard to walk away. On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much! Im in trouble I think... She has said many things that I wanted to hear, but are they true??'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 vermont


    King of Kings, you started your post with:
    "'fraid your not right there". I wasn't trying to be right or wrong, just to give an opinion, which is what we're here for right? I'm not advising the OP to stay with his wife if things aren't working out, I'm suggesting he put some time into seeing if things work out. Like I say, check out both my posts above.

    Joebhoy, yeah I totally take your point about you not being that affected by not seeing your Dad that much. Some people are, some people aren't. I just think couples tend to give up very easily at the first hurdle; and seems to me it's worth this poster at least making a go of it.

    OP hopefully it all works out well for you in the end. If not, at least you'll have tried.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,881 ✭✭✭Mighty_Mouse


    I believe she only told me because I was about to be told
    On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much!

    IMO its over. Just a matter of how much dignity you want to walk away with.

    Sounds to me like this woman is walking all over you "because you love her".
    I mean FFS whats to love?

    Personally, I'd start putting plans together for the innevitable. Next time she's away. Keep the kid, change the locks and never speak to her directly again. Only through lawyers. (make sure you get a good one!)


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Surely this problem started even before her affair did. Surely the affair was a reaction to where the relationship went after you had kids?
    Why did the relationship turn so sour that you and your wife no longer had any time for each other? Maybe the whole marriage is a regrettable sham between two people who don't particularly love each other anymore and are showing it really clearly.
    Ye are bonded together by the child and that won't change, but it seems obvious that the relationship has run its course and that there isn't necessarily a future where you two can make each other happy. I dont know whether or not you can regain that love that you had, or whether or not you can wipe the slate clean, but the main message that shines through from your posts is that your relationship is damaged beyond repair, and you might have to learn to be ok with that, and face a new, different life. And that's OK too.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 887 ✭✭✭suitseir



    To Mixedup07

    From what you say, you really want this relationship to work and you are willing to give it a try and there is no other way of finding out really! I am a veteran of marriage for over 27 years and trust me, there will be many more situations which will arise that will make you want to throw it all up! You quite obviously love your wife and a big consideration is your child! I bet if you had no family, the decision would be easier! Nowadays, it is so easy to just walk away and unfortunately, that is what a lot of married couples do! But the complications that arise from that can sometimes be worse than if you stay. While it may hurt your pride and your self-esteem, which is natural, we all have to humble ourselves now and again, it actually shows courage! I have yet to meet a couple, whether married or not, who don't have SITUATIONS which arise now and again to test their liason! As I said at the outset I am a married woman of over 27 years and my marriage has been tested more than once!! I have been living with, on one hand a man who has provided well for his family, comfortably, is a good character, popular with friends and work collegues but he has cheated, as I would put it ON HIMSELF, many times over the years. He has no idea that I know! I have come to live with this situation because it is MY CHOICE! I weighed up the pros and cons, and frankly, the options of MOVING ON and trying to cope with new complications was not on for me!!! This may sound stupid to other people, but, there are others like me out there as well! So, what I am saying is that it is all about CHOICE and what you feel comfortable with, not what people, friends or family think! Sometimes, when one moves on from a situation ON THEIR OWN, the friends that you had when married, seem to shy away too! Life is a gamble and marriage is one of the BIGGEST ones. Good Luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 887 ✭✭✭suitseir



    To Mixedup07

    From what you say, you really want this relationship to work and you are willing to give it a try and there is no other way of finding out really! I am a veteran of marriage for over 27 years and trust me, there will be many more situations which will arise that will make you want to throw it all up! You quite obviously love your wife and a big consideration is your child! I bet if you had no family, the decision would be easier! Nowadays, it is so easy to just walk away and unfortunately, that is what a lot of married couples do! But the complications that arise from that can sometimes be worse than if you stay. While it may hurt your pride and your self-esteem, which is natural, we all have to humble ourselves now and again, it actually shows courage! I have yet to meet a couple, whether married or not, who don't have SITUATIONS which arise now and again to test their liason! As I said at the outset I am a married woman of over 27 years and my marriage has been tested more than once!! I have been living with, on one hand a man who has provided well for his family, comfortably, is a good character, popular with friends and work collegues but he has cheated, as I would put it ON HIMSELF, many times over the years. He has no idea that I know! I have come to live with this situation because it is MY CHOICE! I weighed up the pros and cons, and frankly, the options of MOVING ON and trying to cope with new complications was not on for me!!! This may sound stupid to other people, but, there are others like me out there as well! So, what I am saying is that it is all about CHOICE and what you feel comfortable with, not what people, friends or family think! Sometimes, when one moves on from a situation ON THEIR OWN, the friends that you had when married, seem to shy away too! Life is a gamble and marriage is one of the BIGGEST ones. Good Luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 887 ✭✭✭suitseir



    To Mixedup07

    From what you say, you really want this relationship to work and you are willing to give it a try and there is no other way of finding out really! I am a veteran of marriage for over 27 years and trust me, there will be many more situations which will arise that will make you want to throw it all up! You quite obviously love your wife and a big consideration is your child! I bet if you had no family, the decision would be easier! Nowadays, it is so easy to just walk away and unfortunately, that is what a lot of married couples do! But the complications that arise from that can sometimes be worse than if you stay. While it may hurt your pride and your self-esteem, which is natural, we all have to humble ourselves now and again, it actually shows courage! I have yet to meet a couple, whether married or not, who don't have SITUATIONS which arise now and again to test their liason! As I said at the outset I am a married woman of over 27 years and my marriage has been tested more than once!! I have been living with, on one hand a man who has provided well for his family, comfortably, is a good character, popular with friends and work collegues but he has cheated, as I would put it ON HIMSELF, many times over the years. He has no idea that I know! I have come to live with this situation because it is MY CHOICE! I weighed up the pros and cons, and frankly, the options of MOVING ON and trying to cope with new complications was not on for me!!! This may sound stupid to other people, but, there are others like me out there as well! So, what I am saying is that it is all about CHOICE and what you feel comfortable with, not what people, friends or family think! Sometimes, when one moves on from a situation ON THEIR OWN, the friends that you had when married, seem to shy away too! Life is a gamble and marriage is one of the BIGGEST ones. Good Luck


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 132 ✭✭Bill Andrex


    I remember reading somewhere in a magazine which I think it somewhat holds true, if your partner has an affair once its their mistake and not yours... if they have an affair twice then its your mistake.

    This is not your fault OP, she made a mistake and is now trying to turn it around and make you feel guilty for her dishonesty and deceit so she doesn't feel so bad about it, don't go beating yourself up OP.

    I hope that you both manage to sort out this terrible situation be it that you both decide to stay together or separate.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'apparently my dad had one. My parents split,he realised what he was missing and what he had done. He came home, they worked on it, and were better than ever now'


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    mixedup07 wrote:
    'Thanks for all your help. I think I would find it easier if I could find a way to trust her again. I dont know what it is I expect her to do to rebuild trust. I invested my life into this marriage, it is hard to walk away. On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much! Im in trouble I think... She has said many things that I wanted to hear, but are they true??'

    I found a text on my ex-wifes phone to a guy that what was sexual and graphic about the two of them. I accused her of having an affair and she denied it. I didn't really believed her and eventually we split.
    In fact as time goes on I am certainly she was playing away.

    Anway your quote above is almost identical to what I got from her. No remorse and exasperation on her part everytime I mentioned it. Refusal to cut that guy (or his friends) from her life.
    I tried to work it out for our son but after a few months i realised it was only me trying.
    I feel from you posts above that she only told you cos you were about to be told and she is sorry she got caught not that she cheated. Moreover I feel after her stint of shame she will be back out doing the same again.

    My ex was more sorry her mother found out about it than the hurt she caused me.
    I'm shot of her now and have my son half the week and i am so much happier.'


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    mixedup07 wrote:
    I think I would find it easier if I could find a way to trust her again. I dont know what it is I expect her to do to rebuild trust.

    I'm not sure there is just one thing she can do. Time and how she is during it, would be the deciding factor.
    I invested my life into this marriage, it is hard to walk away.

    Fair play to you for trying, I'd have walked from the outset.
    On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much!

    You have every right to, how can you fix the future if the past is not looked at in order to see what's wrong.
    I would find the lack of remorse worrying.
    Using the excuse 'you were never there' is weak and a pathetic attempt to justify what she did.
    If you were never there she should have pointed that out to you, she should have insisted you do something about it or she would take issue. Having an affair is no excuse whatsoever.
    She has said many things that I wanted to hear, but are they true??'

    Only you can answer that one.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    It takes serious backbone to stick with a relationship after something like this. Ultimatey it depends on how you feel, and on whether you can trust your wife or not. If you see yourself being able to forgive her for being with someone else then you're a far, far, far better man than I, and there's real hope for your marraige.

    But, being honest, I have to ask why your wife didn't make more of an effort to bring these attention problems to you and sort it out between you, rather than initiating an affair with another man.

    You don't need me to further villify her, but from what you've said ....I'd be highly dubious of your wife


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