Is it love possible after an affair?

LegacyUser

Im married for sevral years now. We have a child a few years old. My wife that I really love tells me recently that she was having a "serious" affair with a married man (and father) for the past year! She only told me a few days before she knew that I would be told. She claims it is over now. She says she wants to start over again and that she is sorry. I am told that by working too much and not giving her enough attention she lost her love for me. It is true that I did not give her enough time, I can see that now. This was not because I was in the pub or out with friends, it was because I was working too much. I made the affair possible by always trusting her. I want to believe that things can be put right, but I have major trust issues. Am I crazy to take her back? I have our child also to think of. I have always been faithful and I really believed that she was not capable of such a thing. I am willing to really work on this marriage and make any comprimise, she says the same. I feel that we have so much to loose that we should try. At the same time I cant help feeling that I am wearing rose tinted glasses! Any thoughts???

rondeco

There's no answer boss. Only you can find out. Counselling is the only real option here and thats only if you truly want to sort it out.

dvega

Well as you said theres a child inolved and if you still truly love her then maybe its worth another try but its not going to be easy.As the saying goes you have to build on trust and that is going to take awhile.Try to take time off work,go away for awhile maybe a nice long holiday,or even go away yourself for a weekend think things out.

She should have told you that she wasnt happy but probably it was too late by then.There are no easy answers just pick yourself up and start from the beginning but as i said its gona take awhile.

Of course theres always counseling....

hunnymonster

One of my closest friends took her partner back after an affair. It was hell for her for a while (can't remember exactly, approx 6 months) and they fought a lot, even over trivial things but it has worked out and she is extremely happy now. She would be the first to tell you that it's a lot of hard work and in many ways soul destroying at times but it can work.

Caliden

It's your decision alone to believe her. There is no right or wrong decision.
It's up to you to decide if you can trust her again and if you can make it work this time. It's hardly all your fault that she had an affair, she could have tried herself so I wouldnt blame yourself for her going off with another man.

Rb

Personally, I couldn't love anyone who cheated on me again. Just because you were working hard and trying to advance your career, does not give her reason to go off having an affair. She has to understand that you were doing that for the family, getting extra money to support it and all, and that she is not justified in her actions.
Whether you still trust her is up to you, she took a vow on your wedding day which shes now broken and personally I could not trust someone again had they done that to me. Without trust, theres no point in having a relationship. I know its hard what with the child involved and all, but this woman doesn't love you and you don't trust her(or do you?!). Personally, I'd get a divorce and seek custody of the child, also ensuring that she did not get one single penny that you worked so hard for (under the belief that you were supporting a loving, caring family).

Its not your fault in any way, and its up to you as to whether you can trust her again though.

Hagar

A year is a long time to be having an affair. There was on-going deceit for a year. Someone who could do that would cetainly tell a few more lies to save their bacon. As you said she only told you a few days before you would have found out anyway. Would she have told you at all otherwise? Do you have any reason to trust her in the future? I couldn't stay in a relationship without absolute trust on both sides.

/edit That obviously should have read "without" instead of "with"

py2006

Hagar wrote:

A year is a long time to be having an affair. There was on-going deceit for a year. Someone who could do that would cetainly tell a few more lies to save their bacon. As you said she only told you a few days before you would have found out anyway. Would she have told you at all otherwise?Do you have any reason to trust her in the future? I couldn't stay in a relationship with absolute trust on both sides.

I have to agree with this!

Its not like it was one kiss! Or just one night! This was going on for a whole YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plus she only told you as you were about to find out anyway! If you weren't to find out it could have gone on for another year!

Black Swan

mixedup07 wrote:

I am willing to really work on this marriage and make any comprimise, she says the same. I feel that we have so much to loose that we should try.

You have answered your question? Marriage counselling might help, too?

CathyMoran

I have stayed with someone after an affair (it lasted 6 months) but it took me over 2 years to forgive him, if you are going to get this relationship to work relationship councelling could be a good idea, they will not try and make you stay together but will help you make your mind up and help with the separation if needs be. I do think that the fact that she had an affair for a year could be a stumbling block but if the two of you really want the relationship to work nothing will stop it.

LegacyUser

py2006 wrote:

I have to agree with this!

Its not like it was one kiss! Or just one night! This was going on for a whole YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plus she only told you as you were about to find out anyway! If you weren't to find out it could have gone on for another year!

Totally agree with both of these, however, its your call?? You'll have to make that decision

Elessar

Once a cheater always a cheater (a whole year?!!). I feel for you. I would sever tbh, but this would not be easy for you because of the child. A divorce only ever shafts the man when there is a child involved. She would take the child, the house, possibly the car and you would have to start from scratch while still paying for their lifestyle (maintanence payments).

You could take her back, but without trust there is little chance it would work. How do you know she wont do it again? She already lied to you and broke your trust for a whole year? Personally I cannot see this working. She should have had more sense, did she even approach you about it to try and fix the problem or just go off with another man at the first opportunity?

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place and I honestly sympathise with you a great deal. Good luck.

vermont

This is about the child. Sorry, but the child is THE most important thing here. You owe it to that child to at least make an effort to fix this. Just imagine the absolute rupture in his/her life if the two of you split?? Her security completely gone and potentially, a selection of strangers in her life passing as mums and dads?

An affair is not the end of the world, and it's not terminal cancer, which would be much worse in my view.

Try and work it out, using counselling if necessary, and don't give up on your relationship until all efforts have been made.

Boston

Two bitter parents are better?

joebhoy1916

She Is off with some guy but yet that Is your fault? You must be joking.

Like you said she only told you because someone else was gonna tell you now do you think she would of told you or even finished with this guy If she did finish with him (which I doubt) If someone wasn't going to tell you.

I would finish It, It's very hard to trust a woman again when they tell you something like that but then again everyone Is different.

vermont

Boston, I didn't say that. I just said that before just throwing everything away, which some people are suggesting, they should make a good effort to get things back on track. There's no reason why they shouldn't be able to, by communicating and getting counselling if they need to, and the bottom line is, they owe it to their kid.
Obviously, they mightn't be able to but at least they'll know they gave it their best shot.

And OP, you should try and spend more time with your family. Working that hard, well I dunno, is it worth it? You have to work out what's important in your life.

Carrigart Exile

Does the other man's wife know? Did your wife say who was going to break the news to you?

I've been in a similar situation mate, and as one poster pointed out, simply on grounds of gender you are going to get punished by the divorce courts even tho' it was your wife that had the affair. I took her back and we have tried but I'll be honest its an empty shell of a relationship, both of us just together for my daughter.

Oh, and it was my fault she had the affair:rolleyes: r

darkflower

Is it possible to start anew? Yes it is. But no one knows if it will work out well. Why not give it a try?;)

dvega

This is'nt some puppy love,or some relationship which both are in their mid
20's and she two timed you where you can just say forget about her.This is a marriage of several years and a child is involved it definetely worth another try if you still love her.

Dont give her the excuse that you were always working,she has to put in most of the effort to make this work,not you.

LegacyUser

"this woman doesn't love you"

you can't say that. things are way more complicated.
people can cheat someone they love. just because you think it wouldn't happen to you, you can't assume it can't happen to other people.
i can understand this woman, not that i think she's right.
but if she was brave enough to tell her husband and is willing to make the relationship work, then i think he has reasons to start trusting her again.

King of Kings

vermont wrote:

This is about the child. Sorry, but the child is THE most important thing here. You owe it to that child to at least make an effort to fix this. Just imagine the absolute rupture in his/her life if the two of you split?? Her security completely gone and potentially, a selection of strangers in her life passing as mums and dads?

An affair is not the end of the world, and it's not terminal cancer, which would be much worse in my view.

Try and work it out, using counselling if necessary, and don't give up on your relationship until all efforts have been made.

'fraid your not right there. I know from experience that staying with my wife so teh sake of the child was a mistake. after we split things are better and he is happier having 2 hapy parents rather than 2 fighting ones.

vermont

You didn't read my post correctly. Read it again.

Carrigart Exile

but if she was brave enough to tell her husband and is willing to make the relationship work, then i think he has reasons to start trusting her again.[/QUOTE]

Only because it appears someone was going to tell her husband first

LegacyUser

'Ok thanks for all your help guys. Just to fill you in.

1) We are going to councilling.

2) To me our child is the most important thing.

3) I believe she only told me because I was about to be told

Am I crazy?'

LegacyUser

you're not crazy. counselling would be good for both of you and don't be afraid of being judged cos you're not wrong.

joebhoy1916

Are you crazy maybe, maybe not.
But then again It's up to you what you want to do.

Child isnt the most important thing TBH. Would you rather live your life like this just because you have a child? I know that sound's bad but It honestly Is the truth yes you have a child but you also have your own life.

vermont I grew up without a father In my life dont think I ended up to bad, when I say without a father I mean seen him once or twice you can still be there for your child she will understand when she get's older.

Once a cheat alway's a cheat you wouldn't be able to trust the woman again I mean jesus a year long affair. It must be bad on ya wondering what you done wrong etc etc you aint to blame she Is dont think shes not.

I also have a daughter something along the same line's happened to me tried to give It another go It wasnt doing to bad till It happened again tried to work It out but It wasnt right. Might seem stupid but I felt sick kissing or having sex I just lost all interest In her. You might think oh If I love her It will work but It's very hard.

If you want send me a PM In your real name.. If your willing to give It a try I can tell you a way you might be able to know If she Is cheating on ya. Honeslty and no joking you dont have to do It but If you get back with her you will have piece of mind because It's not easy anytime she Is on the phone or something like that your alway's wondering who It Is.

All the best In what ever decision you make..

King of Kings

vermont wrote:

You didn't read my post correctly. Read it again.

read it again. In fact I read it twice before i realised that you are not me and have no idea if I read your post correctly or not the first time.

Rb

Hold on, his wife had a "serious affair" for over a year and only told him because she had to and people are saying give her another chance!?Holy God, how the hell can you justify giving such a person a second chance?!

OP: Had she not told you because she was forced to, she could still be going over to this mans house and hopping into HIS BED. Remember that, she HAD to tell you, otherwise she'd still be over there sleeping with this other man. I really hope his wife knows too and he finds himself a bachelor once again. This isn't a once off drunken accident, this is consciously going out behind your back, lying to you and hopping into another mans bed for over a year straight. My God.

I know theres a child involved in all of this, but their happiness is equally as important. Personally, I would not be happy with a woman who I'd known had just went out FOR A YEAR and slept with another man. I would not trust that woman ever, ever again. She blames him for it too, and shes meant to be forgiven and its all meant to be forgotten about?F*ck that.

A child may be unhappy immediately because of a divorce, but they will get over it. You're the one who'll be stuck with this cheating woman, not knowing where shes going when she goes out, not knowing who shes seeing, whether shes at it with another man again or not. How happy will your life be then? So you've to keep up a charade until your child grows up so they can live in a "happy family"?Wait til you hit your 40s man, then it'll really kick in. Don't waste the next ten, twenty years with this woman, get out of that marriage and find yourself a woman that will love and dedicate herself to you.

Kold

It's down to you but I'll just say from the child's perspective, it's better that you don't stay together begrudgingly.

Sleepy

OP, is your wife begging for your forgiveness? Is she in any way apologetic? Or is it just a matter of fact "Well, someone else is going to tell you this anyway, I've been in a relationship with someone else for over a year, it happened because I never saw you because you were at work all the time." etc.

If it's the former, there might be something worth fighting for.

If it's the latter, empty any joint accounts, kick her out of the house and hire yourself the best legal representation you can. If she felt neglected because you were working so hard to provide a good life for your little family, she should have broached the topic with you, not turned to someone else.

Finally, be angry at her. You should be. Don't let her tell you this is your fault.

Rb

Sleepy wrote:

Finally, be angry at her. You should be. Don't let her tell you this is your fault.

Aye and despite what she may say (i.e "Oh he was gone all the time etc etc pooor meeee") to make herself out as the victim, you're the victim OP.

Just remember, children recover from divorces but can your relationship recover after whats happened? Personally I wouldn't think so, and staying with someone for the sake of a child may be the "right" thing to do, however if you and your partner have a bad relationship from here on in your child will be brought up in a house where the father can't trust the mother, constant fights etc. and I really don't think a child should be brought up with that, just to have a "happy family". Whether your relationship can recover, I very, very much doubt it. Personally I could never trust that person again, and as we all know a relationship is nothing without trust.

Well I've given my input so its up to the OP I suppose, best of luck with it regardless of what he chooses.

ArphaRima

I base absolutely everything I ever do on trust. I never doubt girlfriends or friends, never worry about somebody breaking it. People I cannot trust are not my friends.

If somebody were to deliberately and consistantly break that trust (1 year) I would rather never see them again. A drunken shag is one thing. A 1 year lie is another.

This is a highly divisive topic. Everybody responds differently. But I am certain as to how I would feel. Then again, I'm not a father yet.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all your help. I think I would find it easier if I could find a way to trust her again. I dont know what it is I expect her to do to rebuild trust. I invested my life into this marriage, it is hard to walk away. On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much! Im in trouble I think... She has said many things that I wanted to hear, but are they true??'

vermont

King of Kings, you started your post with:
"'fraid your not right there". I wasn't trying to be right or wrong, just to give an opinion, which is what we're here for right? I'm not advising the OP to stay with his wife if things aren't working out, I'm suggesting he put some time into seeing if things work out. Like I say, check out both my posts above.

Joebhoy, yeah I totally take your point about you not being that affected by not seeing your Dad that much. Some people are, some people aren't. I just think couples tend to give up very easily at the first hurdle; and seems to me it's worth this poster at least making a go of it.

OP hopefully it all works out well for you in the end. If not, at least you'll have tried.

Mighty_Mouse

I believe she only told me because I was about to be told

On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much!

IMO its over. Just a matter of how much dignity you want to walk away with.

Sounds to me like this woman is walking all over you "because you love her".
I mean FFS whats to love?

Personally, I'd start putting plans together for the innevitable. Next time she's away. Keep the kid, change the locks and never speak to her directly again. Only through lawyers. (make sure you get a good one!)

dr.bollocko

Surely this problem started even before her affair did. Surely the affair was a reaction to where the relationship went after you had kids?
Why did the relationship turn so sour that you and your wife no longer had any time for each other? Maybe the whole marriage is a regrettable sham between two people who don't particularly love each other anymore and are showing it really clearly.
Ye are bonded together by the child and that won't change, but it seems obvious that the relationship has run its course and that there isn't necessarily a future where you two can make each other happy. I dont know whether or not you can regain that love that you had, or whether or not you can wipe the slate clean, but the main message that shines through from your posts is that your relationship is damaged beyond repair, and you might have to learn to be ok with that, and face a new, different life. And that's OK too.

suitseir

To Mixedup07

From what you say, you really want this relationship to work and you are willing to give it a try and there is no other way of finding out really! I am a veteran of marriage for over 27 years and trust me, there will be many more situations which will arise that will make you want to throw it all up! You quite obviously love your wife and a big consideration is your child! I bet if you had no family, the decision would be easier! Nowadays, it is so easy to just walk away and unfortunately, that is what a lot of married couples do! But the complications that arise from that can sometimes be worse than if you stay. While it may hurt your pride and your self-esteem, which is natural, we all have to humble ourselves now and again, it actually shows courage! I have yet to meet a couple, whether married or not, who don't have SITUATIONS which arise now and again to test their liason! As I said at the outset I am a married woman of over 27 years and my marriage has been tested more than once!! I have been living with, on one hand a man who has provided well for his family, comfortably, is a good character, popular with friends and work collegues but he has cheated, as I would put it ON HIMSELF, many times over the years. He has no idea that I know! I have come to live with this situation because it is MY CHOICE! I weighed up the pros and cons, and frankly, the options of MOVING ON and trying to cope with new complications was not on for me!!! This may sound stupid to other people, but, there are others like me out there as well! So, what I am saying is that it is all about CHOICE and what you feel comfortable with, not what people, friends or family think! Sometimes, when one moves on from a situation ON THEIR OWN, the friends that you had when married, seem to shy away too! Life is a gamble and marriage is one of the BIGGEST ones. Good Luck

suitseir

To Mixedup07

From what you say, you really want this relationship to work and you are willing to give it a try and there is no other way of finding out really! I am a veteran of marriage for over 27 years and trust me, there will be many more situations which will arise that will make you want to throw it all up! You quite obviously love your wife and a big consideration is your child! I bet if you had no family, the decision would be easier! Nowadays, it is so easy to just walk away and unfortunately, that is what a lot of married couples do! But the complications that arise from that can sometimes be worse than if you stay. While it may hurt your pride and your self-esteem, which is natural, we all have to humble ourselves now and again, it actually shows courage! I have yet to meet a couple, whether married or not, who don't have SITUATIONS which arise now and again to test their liason! As I said at the outset I am a married woman of over 27 years and my marriage has been tested more than once!! I have been living with, on one hand a man who has provided well for his family, comfortably, is a good character, popular with friends and work collegues but he has cheated, as I would put it ON HIMSELF, many times over the years. He has no idea that I know! I have come to live with this situation because it is MY CHOICE! I weighed up the pros and cons, and frankly, the options of MOVING ON and trying to cope with new complications was not on for me!!! This may sound stupid to other people, but, there are others like me out there as well! So, what I am saying is that it is all about CHOICE and what you feel comfortable with, not what people, friends or family think! Sometimes, when one moves on from a situation ON THEIR OWN, the friends that you had when married, seem to shy away too! Life is a gamble and marriage is one of the BIGGEST ones. Good Luck

suitseir

To Mixedup07

From what you say, you really want this relationship to work and you are willing to give it a try and there is no other way of finding out really! I am a veteran of marriage for over 27 years and trust me, there will be many more situations which will arise that will make you want to throw it all up! You quite obviously love your wife and a big consideration is your child! I bet if you had no family, the decision would be easier! Nowadays, it is so easy to just walk away and unfortunately, that is what a lot of married couples do! But the complications that arise from that can sometimes be worse than if you stay. While it may hurt your pride and your self-esteem, which is natural, we all have to humble ourselves now and again, it actually shows courage! I have yet to meet a couple, whether married or not, who don't have SITUATIONS which arise now and again to test their liason! As I said at the outset I am a married woman of over 27 years and my marriage has been tested more than once!! I have been living with, on one hand a man who has provided well for his family, comfortably, is a good character, popular with friends and work collegues but he has cheated, as I would put it ON HIMSELF, many times over the years. He has no idea that I know! I have come to live with this situation because it is MY CHOICE! I weighed up the pros and cons, and frankly, the options of MOVING ON and trying to cope with new complications was not on for me!!! This may sound stupid to other people, but, there are others like me out there as well! So, what I am saying is that it is all about CHOICE and what you feel comfortable with, not what people, friends or family think! Sometimes, when one moves on from a situation ON THEIR OWN, the friends that you had when married, seem to shy away too! Life is a gamble and marriage is one of the BIGGEST ones. Good Luck

Bill Andrex

I remember reading somewhere in a magazine which I think it somewhat holds true, if your partner has an affair once its their mistake and not yours... if they have an affair twice then its your mistake.

This is not your fault OP, she made a mistake and is now trying to turn it around and make you feel guilty for her dishonesty and deceit so she doesn't feel so bad about it, don't go beating yourself up OP.

I hope that you both manage to sort out this terrible situation be it that you both decide to stay together or separate.

LegacyUser

'apparently my dad had one. My parents split,he realised what he was missing and what he had done. He came home, they worked on it, and were better than ever now'

LegacyUser

'

mixedup07 wrote:

'Thanks for all your help. I think I would find it easier if I could find a way to trust her again. I dont know what it is I expect her to do to rebuild trust. I invested my life into this marriage, it is hard to walk away. On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much! Im in trouble I think... She has said many things that I wanted to hear, but are they true??'

I found a text on my ex-wifes phone to a guy that what was sexual and graphic about the two of them. I accused her of having an affair and she denied it. I didn't really believed her and eventually we split.
In fact as time goes on I am certainly she was playing away.

Anway your quote above is almost identical to what I got from her. No remorse and exasperation on her part everytime I mentioned it. Refusal to cut that guy (or his friends) from her life.
I tried to work it out for our son but after a few months i realised it was only me trying.
I feel from you posts above that she only told you cos you were about to be told and she is sorry she got caught not that she cheated. Moreover I feel after her stint of shame she will be back out doing the same again.

My ex was more sorry her mother found out about it than the hurt she caused me.
I'm shot of her now and have my son half the week and i am so much happier.'

Beruthiel

mixedup07 wrote:

I think I would find it easier if I could find a way to trust her again. I dont know what it is I expect her to do to rebuild trust.

I'm not sure there is just one thing she can do. Time and how she is during it, would be the deciding factor.

I invested my life into this marriage, it is hard to walk away.

Fair play to you for trying, I'd have walked from the outset.

On her side there is a lack of remorse. Appearently I am looking back too much!

You have every right to, how can you fix the future if the past is not looked at in order to see what's wrong.
I would find the lack of remorse worrying.
Using the excuse 'you were never there' is weak and a pathetic attempt to justify what she did.
If you were never there she should have pointed that out to you, she should have insisted you do something about it or she would take issue. Having an affair is no excuse whatsoever.

She has said many things that I wanted to hear, but are they true??'

Only you can answer that one.

AngryBadger

It takes serious backbone to stick with a relationship after something like this. Ultimatey it depends on how you feel, and on whether you can trust your wife or not. If you see yourself being able to forgive her for being with someone else then you're a far, far, far better man than I, and there's real hope for your marraige.

But, being honest, I have to ask why your wife didn't make more of an effort to bring these attention problems to you and sort it out between you, rather than initiating an affair with another man.

You don't need me to further villify her, but from what you've said ....I'd be highly dubious of your wife