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issue with up coming family event

  • 04-01-2007 01:47PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    going unregisterd for this one.

    Have a family function coming up next weekend at my moms house. No big deal as such. But I don’t get on that well with some of the people that will be there. I have 2 brothers that I haven’t spoken to in over 2 years. When my dad died 10 years ago I was the only one left in the house for my mom and i was alwas there for her. She has had some serious illnesses over the last few years and the brothers wouldn’t so much as call the hospital to see how she was even though they knew.

    at my stak party one brother started a fight over contents of my mothers will and how he's gonna make sure he gets his share. my other brothers where not at the stak party for family reasons. but this argument happened on the first night, infront of all my mates AND my future father in law

    even after this when i got married I invited them for the family sake but they never came, and my mom kep phoning me when i was on honeymoon saying how disappointed and upset she was that they naver came. yet she seems to have forgotted/forgiven this behaviour.

    My mom has said she wants me there but has specifically said she doesn’t want any trouble from me. I wouldn’t cause any fights or anything out of respect for my mom, but I can’t see myself sitting there and not opening my mouth when my brothers will be there sitting all high an mighty and everyone will be fawning over them.

    The thought of it is turning my stomach. One of my brothers is the eldest and I’m the youngest and he’s always giving me the “little brother” treatment (I’m in my mid thirties)

    Any ideas of the best way to handle it? I’m seriously thinking of not turning up and switching the phone off, but would hate to disrespect my mother like that.

    it's not a jealousy issue with the attention the "prodical" sons are getting coz i honestly couldn't give a toss about that. I know what sort they are and how they leech the family. my problem is I just can't see myself sitting in the same room as them and not just telling them what i think.


Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    familyrpob wrote:
    at my stak party one brother started a fight over contents of my mothers will and how he's gonna make sure he gets his share.

    Honest to god, if I knew my kids were fighting over something like this I'd leave everything I owned to Cancer research or some such.
    Have you informed your mother of this row?
    I've already told my daughter that if I ever get fore warning that I'm going to die within the year, I'm selling everything and partying till I drop.
    I think you should recommend the same thing to your Ma.
    I believe you can sell your house to a bank and when you die they take it, meanwhile you get to live off the big lump sum in your autumn years and live in your house.
    Great idea. Look into it.

    It's a terrible state of affairs when your kids are already picking your bones and you haven't even kicked the bucket yet. I'd be inclined to bang all your heads together if I were your Ma. Defo get her to look into the above. She owes her kids nothing. Ye are all grown up and can take care of yourselves.
    As for the party, don't go. It's as easy as that.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Don't go, explain to your mother you are hurt that they snubed your wedding and do not want to be under the same roof as them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,226 ✭✭✭Dan133269


    I think that if you would like to go if they wouldn't be there, then go.
    Don't let yourself be the victim of their misbehaviour, you have nothing wrong, it is them who should be debating whether or not to go because they feel ashamed. Obviously they aren't doing that however.

    If a row starts, point out firmly that they are not welcome and if your mother would have died a few years ago, they wouldn't have even been there at her bedside. Tell them exactly what you think of them, if it becomes necessary


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Beruthiel wrote:
    Have you informed your mother of this row?
    I've already told my daughter that if I ever get fore warning that I'm going to die within the year, I'm selling everything and partying till I drop.
    I think you should recommend the same thing to your Ma.
    I believe you can sell your house to a bank and when you die they take it, .

    Yeah she knows, she was pissed off for a bit but she’s the turn the other cheek kind. She can easily forgive and forget everything they do, but if I stuff up its another thing entirely. I’ve been given an ear full coz I didn’t put up the xmas decorations this year. The fatc that I was working overtime all over the holidays, in college 3 nights a week have assignments due next week that needed doing and a wife to spend some time with (other than collapsing at the end of a day beside) was totally lost on her.


    She has mentioned selling the house to bank (she has sold part already and was thinking of selling more. But is worried there’ll be nothing left for us. My answer to this was 1 there’s no shops in heaven so ya can’t take it with you, and 2 we’re big enough and ugly enough to fend for ourselves. We are all home owners so shouldn’t be relying on an inheritance that the tax ma is gonna eat up. My mom is 70 andhas loans outstanding from helping one brother out about 3 years ago, he’s coming home with his gf and spending the week before the party travelling around the country (she’s never been to Ireland) not a cheap thing to do. Do you see him offer to pay mom back? Like fùck. He’s been away 15 years and she has relived about 10 Christmas, birthday and mothers day cards combined in that time. I mean even if ya have no cash for a gift a card can mean a hell of a lot, especially to a parent.
    Thaedydal wrote:
    Don't go, explain to your mother you are hurt that they snubed your wedding and do not want to be under the same roof as them.

    I’ve tried to explain that to my mom before, I told her that they could die screaming for all I cared. They insulted me, my wife and my mother by not turning up that day. but mom forgets how upset she was after it, or else she hides it under the carpet so everyone can see a big happy family not one that’s at logger heads. Once her relations thinks everything is rosie then all is well from her point of view.
    Dan133269 wrote:
    I think that if you would like to go if they wouldn't be there, then go.

    If a row starts, point out firmly that they are not welcome and if your mother would have died a few years ago, they wouldn't have even been there at her bedside. Tell them exactly what you think of them, if it becomes necessary

    Not big on family parties anyway but I always go out of respect for my parents. Even if its just a cousin getting married and I haven’t seen them in years if I get an invite (day or night) I’ll turn up to it with gift in hand etc.

    They are not ashamed in anyway from what I can see. The problem is I’m the one in the family with the fiery temper ( I get it from my mom) so if an argument where to break out people will probably blame me, and ore importantly mom would probably blame me.

    I’ve already told them, the one that was at the stag party contacted me after the wedding on my cell phone coz moms house phone was broken, I told him to go fùck himself and never call me again though I did pass his message on to my mother so I wasn’t made look bad. Same with the other one. Over the last 2 years I have left gifts in my moms house for his son for Christmas and birthday (missed this b’day coz I’m smashed with mortgage). SO I think its safe to say they know how I feel about them. Yet if I turn up to the house and they are there they act all nice and pleasant as if nothing happens. Makes me want to puke.

    I might just turn up late and stay for an hour then hit the road. Tell them I have to go into the office the next day or something, I’m in IT so I can claim there’s an overhaul happening on the Sunday morning I have to be sober for so cant drink (so I’ll bite my tongue) and can leave early. Then find the darkest corner to sit in so no one can see me.

    Thanks for the advice, much appreciated.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,222 ✭✭✭\m/_(>_<)_\m/


    for your mothers sake go and keep it very civil, you will have plenty of time to be angry with your siblings when she has passed.
    but for her now the most important thing is to please and I'm sure she wants ye all around for the party.
    as i said when she passes you can do what you want. but be a bigger man and keep her happy while she is here.
    you and you siblings will have a long life to fight when she is gone


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  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    familyrpob wrote:
    I’ve been given an ear full coz I didn’t put up the xmas decorations this year. The fatc that I was working overtime all over the holidays, in college 3 nights a week have assignments due next week that needed doing and a wife to spend some time with (other than collapsing at the end of a day beside) was totally lost on her.

    You always give a hard time to those you are the closest to. At 70 she has come to depend on you in a way she can never with the other two, that's difficult for both you and her.
    She could do with biting her tongue over a few decorations though and show a bit of appreciation!
    My mom is 70 andhas loans outstanding from helping one brother out about 3 years ago

    I see this as more your mothers fault than his, she should have told him to sort himself out, or to pay her back in installments. She comes across as a big softie, nothing you can do about that and no point letting it annoy you.
    or else she hides it under the carpet so everyone can see a big happy family not one that’s at logger heads. Once her relations thinks everything is rosie then all is well from her point of view.

    My parents are 67, it's how all that generation think.

    You sound terribly bitter OP, you have good reason to by the sound of it, but you shouldn't let it get to you like this. It's not good for the soul. Don't feel so oblidged to do stuff cos it's the right thing to do.
    It's no big deal if you don't turn up on the night, you are there when she really needs you and if she doesn't get that then it should be pointed out to her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,976 ✭✭✭✭humanji


    I say go for your mothers sake too. Just keep things cool, and if things start to get heated, tell your mother to sell everything and enjoy the rest of her life, and not bother about a will. See how your brothers react to that one.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Beruthiel wrote:


    I see this as more your mothers fault than his, she should have told him to sort himself out, or to pay her back in installments. She comes across as a big softie, nothing you can do about that and no point letting it annoy you.


    It's no big deal if you don't turn up on the night, you are there when she really needs you and if she doesn't get that then it should be pointed out to her.


    oh she's quick to remind me about money I owe her. granted she was a squick to help me out of a hole a few months agos as she is with them. and i'd be teh same with my kids. but I'm reminded i owe her €3000, he owes her inexcess of €15000. and i have paid small amuopnts of it off over the last few months.

    but that's not the reall issue. I guess my real problem is teh two facedness (is that a word?) of it all. on the one hand she understands my anger (or says she does) yet on the other expects me to forgive their behaviour.

    as you said I was there when it counts and she know this. and has often said that she knows that I am the one always there for her. I made that promise to my father as he died in my arms and i plan on keeping it.

    SO I guess I paint on a happy face and press the flesh all night long then rush home and scrub down with sulphric acid :)

    thanks for the replies. it's nice to know that my feelings toward the situation are not considered to be unfounded. and infact almost justified.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭shapez


    Just a quick note. In my opinion I would go and be as civil as you possibly can. Even if they start something, just ignore them, I know it would be hard but force yourself to do it.

    Just think how better off you are then them at the moment. You have a new family. You are content, you are happy, you have things going for you etc.

    I wouldn't spend to much time worring about what your brothers are doing, they sure as hell don't care about you.

    Go, but keep it in your head that you are so much better off than them.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,349 ✭✭✭daiixi


    I understand your frustrations but it seems that she's able to "get" to you whereas she can't get to your eldest brother. You've done all you can to help her out in the past and it seems that she expects you to continue doing so. Your brothers don't help and it's a bit late for her to expect them to pull up their socks now. If you get my meaning.
    Go along, show your face but don't stay all night. If you let people make you feel guilty (about anything) then they will whether you should or not.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    for what it's worth:

    on the will and your mother's estate there is nothing you or your siblings can do, the estate has to be divided equally. if you doubt this then go get legal advice.

    on the function. don't go. the purpose of the family function is enjoyment or celebration. if you can do neither then don't go. what can anyone do about it ? shoot you ? talk about you ? they probably already talk about you. screw 'em

    your mother is 70 (if I've read this properly). you are not going to change her. stop trying.

    you have married your wife not your mother. put your wife and your marriage first. when your siblings have gone, when your mother has gone you will have your wife.

    don't go. take control of YOUR life. they won't understand and they will not like it. what is more important to you ? the next 50-60-70 years with your wife or keeping these people happy ?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,354 ✭✭✭secret_squirrel


    Show up for an hour or so, make nice and then slip off pleading other commitments.

    Everyone including yourself left mildly disatisfied. A compromise that suits no-one - perfect!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,222 ✭✭✭\m/_(>_<)_\m/


    DickHertz wrote:
    for what it's worth:
    on the will and your mother's estate there is nothing you or your siblings can do, the estate has to be divided equally. if you doubt this then go get legal advice.
    that would only apply if she has not made a will, if she has made a will she can give lock stock and barrel to the lady down the road if she wants.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,226 ✭✭✭Dan133269


    OP when your mother has passed your brothers will be racked with guilt while you'll be one who looked after her continuously since your father died. This will be some comfort knowing that you did the most for your family out of your siblings.

    Maybe that thought could help you get through things with your brothers at the moment.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    DickHertz wrote:
    for what it's worth:

    on the will and your mother's estate there is nothing you or your siblings can do, the estate has to be divided equally. if you doubt this then go get legal advice.

    AFAIK oncwe they are left something, even if only €1 then they have no grounds to contect a will. that is a common misconception. The estate goes to teh spiouse first or else if a widdow then divided. but once she has made instructions then they can only contest it if tehy feel its unfair. The good news is I already know the contents of about 75% of her will as i am one of the executors (sp?)


    I spoke to mom yesterday and told her flat out I will be there but if either of my brothers say anything or step out of line in any way I will take my coat and leave. I told her that when she asked for my help with them I stepped in and spoke to them (even though I am the youngest) and she denied having asked me to (not teh first time). SO anyway I made my feelings clear I will be there for her and that's it. if they get in my face I will leave.

    anyway my plans is simple, party kicks off at 8, i'll turn up between 830 an 9. and leave around 10pm. with my job it's not unknown for me to have to go into the office teh odd weekend coz a server has gone down so I can always use that excuse if need be.

    again thanks for the advice much appreciated. I'll let ya nkow how it goes'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Well I turned up and my both my brothers where no where in sight. One never bothered his arse and teh other "missed" his flight. So mom was pissed but it didn't stop her singing his praises.

    anyway sunday I went and helped clean up the house and she said she was having a smaller party teh following weekend. but wasn't going to ask me becasuse she didn't want any trouble. So i reminded her that he missed his flight which short of an accident is pretty much hard to do unless you couldn't give a damn and I was tol it was none of my business. SO i told her straight that the next time she calls in floods of tears coz he's let her down again that I'll remind her its none of my business. and when teh other one flips his lid again and gets all aggressive and violent I'll walk away and remind her its none of my business. I reminded her it was me teh knife was pulled on not her. What I didn't know was my Aunt was in teh next room and she walked in. I could see by teh look on her face that the knife and other incedents mentioned where new tp her. She had always thopught that the trouble between me and my brothers was my fault (or i think so based upon her reactions to me up until sunday).

    anyway I just walked out of teh house sunday happy in the knowledge that I turned up and nothing bad can be said about me. the fact that my moms sisters now know the truth about the whole thing or at least my side of events. and more importantly I know where i stand with my mother, the two brothers that are constantly bad to her and constantly let her down are treated better and a bigger fuss made of them. So I'll treat her exactly the same as them any more family events will be ignored because basically I have enough crap on my plate with out adding to it.'


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