Would you let your teenager sleep in the same room as a teenager of the opposite sex?

Piste

Hi there, I don't know if there are many parents of teenagers on this forum as a lot of the parents here seem to have quite young children, but nevertheless they will grow up and be teenagers someday! So I was wondering, if you are/were the parent of a teenage boy or girl, would you let their friend of the opposite sex sleep in the same room?

Are there any cases where the answer migth be different? Maybe if they had a boyfriend/girlfriend so nothing was likely to happen with the girl/boy they had over. Or maybe if they, or their friend, was gay would you be happy with them sleeping in the same room as them? What if it was a childhood friend who had always stayed over, would you stop them sleeping in the same room once they hit 13/14?

I'm interested to hear parents' opinions on this, my parents threw a freaker the other night when I let one of my male friends sleep on the spare bed in my room (I was too lazy to pull it downstairs to the sitting room where he would normally sleep) Now this friend of mine is gay, and my parents know that and accept it, but for some reason are still uncomfortable with us sleeping in the same room (Sleeping! Possibly the most unsociable thing ever!) and they refuse to tell me why they don't like it (In case he changes his mind in the middle of the night perhaps?)

I'll put a poll to this too

LundiMardi

well, how old are you, and how old is he?

Piste

Oh yeah that might have been a good thing to put in the post I'm 15, he's 17

crosstownk

No.

Cutie18Ireland

depends on their age to be honest... i'm with my bf 2 and a half years and am almost 20 and he still has to sleep in the spare room my dad's weird... lol

Shelli

I don't really know to be honest, I know my parents have this thing about respect in there house, but I guess that only really applies if the other person was your partner.

I'm 24, expecting my first baby and moved home to save some cash to buy a place. When my partner stays here he still has to stay in the spare room. Simply as a sign of respect, they obviously know we are sleeping together

I dont really know about male friends though, I guess it'd be the same.

Nightwish

I'm 23 and my 26 year old bf isnt allowed stay over at all, so I stay at his - they dont even like that :rolleyes:

Kashkai

Parents have double standards here -

On the one hand, they don't want their little girl in the same room as a teenage boy with rampant hormones.

On the other hand, us parents tried to do exactly the same thing when we were young.

I was living with my wife before we got married and yet when we went to visit her parents in Mayo, we automatically slept in separate rooms, not only because they are strict catholics, but because it felt weird for us to be sleeping together in their house. Even after we got married, the first time we slept in the same room in their house felt strange.

If you have your own place, then you can do whatever you damn well please, but if you are living under someone else's roof, then they call the tune. That'll be the way I call the shots when my girl's and boy get to "that age".

And God himself won't be able to save the poor guy who tries to sleep in the same room as one of my daughters - double standards I know but thats a father's privilege:p .

simu

Only if both are over 18 imo.

scubagit

Would have to say No on this one. And yes it is the usual hypocritical parent thing where my wife and I were allowed to sleep together in her parents house when we were 20 ish and yes if our antics were anything to go by then NEVER in a million years would i allow it!!
Mrs Scubagit might have different idea's though.

Victor

Its a parent's perogative. While you may be grown up in some ways, you aren't in others.

Something I learned about adults - parents need to realise that their children are adults, adults need to appreciate their parents are still parents. You are a "young adult" not an adult.

Why didn't he sleep on the couch?

TempestSabre

If you are looking for a logical answer for this there isn't one. Parents just go a bit loopy where their kids are concerned. At some point you realise if you want to have freedom to do what you want, you'll have to do it under your own roof not someone elses. Until then you have to compromise with the people in charge. The alternative is to spend the next 3-5yrs arguing and making everyones life miserable. Its no different in the real world when you get a job and have a boss etc.

Gaspode

Your poll options are not wide enough to encompass all possible answers.

My son is 15 - almost 16 and I would not allow his female friends to sleep over in his room. Even if they are "not atracted to him" or "Gay"... now in another year - or even this year - if he was in a relationship of some value I may consider allowing his girlfriend to stay over.

Why the difference ? Well I guess its just a personal dislike of casual sex.

Baraboo

would just like to point out that the first time my gf and I slept in the same room in my parents house was the day after we got married.

CathyMoran

My parents allowed Shane and I to sleep in the same room (different beds) with the door open when we were 24, if you are over 18 it is acceptable, but ask me that again in a few years when we have children.

Nevyn

Given the circumstances you have out lined Piste i would not have a problem with it,
but then again I am me and a tad odd by a few peoples standards

snickerpuss

Wow some people have really strict parents.
I've been going out with my boyfriend since i was 15 (I'm 20, hes 21) and we've been staying in each others houses (and beds) since we were 16/17.

Neither of our parents have a problem with it.

I'd like to think i wouldn't mind but i clearly come from a more liberal family than i thought!

Sully

Ah tis a funny awl world.

Only a few months ago my parents were away and some friends (now "old friends") of mine stayed over one night after there debs. There was 3 fellas and 3 girls. Neither of them were in any relationship of any sort. The girls slept in the double, one fella in a single and the other two on sleeping bags on the floor. I was in my own room, without anyone. Youngest was id say 16 (tho, I think it was 17 & 18) and the oldest (me) was 19 (now nearly 20 in a week or two).

Parents found out and went fecking mental. Twas very funny all the same, I dunno why they went so fecking mental. Its not like there all going to join in a gang bang!

But I know that they would never let me or my girlfriend stay in the same room sleeping unless we were close to getting married. Just the way they are, and I suppose I cant blame them. Her mother (dad passed away 3 months ago) would be the same. We disagree tho, and would sleep together if the opportunity arrose.

LundiMardi

me and my last gf started seeing each other at 17/18.. She always stayed in my room(i never went to her house) and eventually she moved in, and lived here for around 2 years, all the while sleeping in my room, in my bed.

Kevo.Parisyan

I'm 22 (so is my gf) and I stayed in her house over the christmas for 2 nights. We stayed in different rooms (on different floors tbh). Her parents I think are in denial we're having a sexual relationship.

When I was going out with a girl in finland when i was 19 I went to her house and stayed in her room. Actually, what specifially happened was, her uncle was on holiday and we stayed in his apartment. So it wasn't actually under her parents roof.

So I don't think you parents reaction is unusual. I think the fact they had no decision in the matter probably annoyed them most. If you like asked if he could stay on your floor but not in your bed and I suppose, without embarrassing yourself, promised "nothing will happen" , they may have allowed it.

I agree, to a certain extent, you parents shouldn't be encouraging sex between you and your boyfriend (espcecially as you're underage)and there is a certain element of "not under my roof" I beleive too. But I also think parents can be a little unrealistic about this kind of stuff.

Kevo.Parisyan

Actually, just to make another point, I think most familes try and seperate the genders in sleeping arrangments as much as possible. For example, if you male cousin came to stay who was 18, I'm sure your parents wouldn't let him sleep in your bedroom, not because they expect you to have an incestious love affair but just, that's what we do.

Jotter

Hmm if hes incredibly camp and feminine then I wouldnt have a prob with it but tbh the stuff Im hearing these days about what teenages are up to is nothing short of pornographic and the term im gay can mean im gay this week but then I met a hot chick and now Im bi, so it would totally depend. I say pornographic bec a friends little sister said they do snowballs and if you dont know what that is find out bec its sick and it shows that kids now dont have any respect for sex or its consequences.
I have a son and although I gave out shi*e about my brother being treated different to me Im sure Ill be the same with my sons and daughters. My son will be allowed have a girlfriend stay in his room once theyre 16 and going out a year at least. Her parents would have to be ok with it so it would involve a discussion with them and also contraception. My daughter (if I have one) will have the same rules apply but shed have to be 18 and not a dizzy one at that. They are my rules, my husbands will be that his daughter is locked up and never allowed have a boy within a stones throw of her room! Parents worry about their kids but esp girls bec they are more vunerable.

Boston

Maybe it's you, have you shown bad judgement with boy's in the past?

littlebitdull

My own son is older that the OP .. is almost 16 only weeks away . He has girlfriends and even some that we have met !! This is a new development the meeting of the girls.

At this stage I would not allow him to have a girlfriend stay over. I would reconsider if he was in a steady relationship. Again I would dislike casual sex.

I know he is likely to be already in a sexual relationship, I know I was at that age, but I am not yet at a stage where I am willing to encourage it !!

BTW - how come so many people who are obivously not parents are answering here in the parenting tread?

Talliesin

I'll answer with a qualified "yes" because I wouldn't have a hard and fast rule against it, but I'd want to be convinced that things were going to be okay (and I'm not going to set any hard and fast criteria for determining things would be okay, or even for what "okay" means). Their being incompatible sexually (e.g. your case with a gay boy or any other permutation that made sexual activity equally unlikely) would make me more likely to say yes, but I would certainly be pretty annoyed if it hadn't been run by the parent the kid was with first.

Piste

Hmm some interesting responses here, evidently parenthood cancels out all reason :P


(I joke, don't flame me!)

Alot of people mentioned a dislike of casual sex, but why do you presume that your son or daughter is going to have sex with their friend?

Victor

I'm not a parent.

Piste wrote:

why do you presume that your son or daughter is going to have sex with their friend?

Quite possibly because that's what the parents were thinking about when they were teenagers. Parents are protective, even over-protective and fear the worst.

I remember about 7 years ago hearing a comment passed at work the day after the office Christmas party that I had cried off early to "go home to shag my bird". Not only was she not my bird, but we didn't have a physical relationship and she had a boyfriend back home (and a bit on the side). The reason we left was she didn't like loud music in the club we ended up in, because she had hearing damage.

Don't worry allegations of "impropriety" don't go away when you turn 18.

Tar.Aldarion

It depends on what my son and daughter were like and what I made of the purposed people.
My mother made my gf and I sleep on opposite sides of the house over xmas, I just found the sneaking more fun...
She says, as it is her house, it is her rules. Never has a problem when it is in my house or my gfs. Her mother has no qualms.

daiixi

I said yes but of course it would be judged case by case. At the end of the day I'd rather my children be safe and honest under my roof than elsewhere.

mayhem#

Seeing that I have three daughters the answer to that question would depend on how dead the boyfriend was.
I would allow a fresh corpse but anything over three days is a bit too "ripe" for my taste...

E.

neoB

Couldn't allow it. And even if my daughter said her mate was gay, no way jose, not saying she would fib to me but you don't know really if he is or isn't! And if she had her bf over to sleep over, he would be in a different room as well, way on the other side of the house with bells on his door. Even if he was her best mate, things could happen. I was a teen once too!

Boston

I have to say to all the fathers of young girls out there, you're being amazing short sighted. A few points

• If your daughters are going to have sex, they will have it regardless of what you pass down as rules.
• Throwing PC to wind, young Girls often place themselves in high risk situations. They get a little bit too drunk in the company of people they don't know that well in a place they don't know that well. This has a knock on affect of the guy in question having allot more control over the situation.
• If, as by point one, their going to have sex, it's far better from a father point of view that it happens in a place the girl feel comfortable and in control enough to say No if things go to far.

I suggest you guys talk to some young girls (14-16) for whom No sex in the house rules where relavent. I'm betting you'll be shocked by the poor judgement often (but not always) shown. Basically, this whole no sex in the house thing comes down to a phobia. It's not protecting anybody but merely allowing people to live in a dream world where they can hang onto their little girl or buy for longer.

Rozabeez

My relationship is long distance so we sort of have to stay over when we see each other, my mother allows us to share a room but his mother doesn't.

hunnymonster

I'm not a parent (just a part time step-mum:D to an 11 year old so not at that stage yet) but I would say yes. Of course it would be on a case-by-case basis depending on the maturity of the teenagers involved.

Having said that, everyone has the right to set the goal-posts in their own home. Several relatives that we stay with occassionally make us (we're in our 30's & have been a couple for years) sleep in separate rooms because we're not married. In their home I live by their rules.

jasonos

Amasingly short sighted I dont think so. I would never allow my daughter to share her room with another teenage boy, because for 1 reason I remember what I was like when I was a teenager.
Regarding your points boston I think we as parents have to keep an eye on her and know where she is at all times. And she understands the consequences of sex, her aunt volunteered to sit her down as she had a baby when she was 16.

Victor

jasonos wrote:

I would never allow my daughter to share her room with another teenage boy

layke

When I was 18 I had my 17 year old GF stay over all the time. I think it's because my parents had to accept the fact we were sleeping together and there was nothing they could do about it.
At first I got the speil about respect and all that crap, gradually it faded out. What's the main fear people have? That they are going to get up to all sorts of naughty things, sure we'd do that anyway with or without concent when we got alone time.

Personally I always hated that "It's my house my rules" line and I promise never to use it on my own kids.

daiixi

layke wrote:

Personally I always hated that "It's my house my rules" line and I promise never to use it on my own kids.

Off topic but I had to laugh the first time my mam came to visit me at my new flat and I swore about something. She told me not to use bad language and I looked at her with a grin and said "My house, my rules. If you don't like it you know where the door is!". My dad thought it was hillarious.
On topic when I moved back home after living out of home for 18months my mam said my boyfriend (who I'd been practically living with) would be sleeping in the spare room. My father looked at her like she was crazy and said "I'm sure you realise that she's not a virgin *insert mam's name*". Mam blushed and they had a little chat and she then let my boyfriend sleep in my room. I was about 20 then and my mam has been a lot less strict on my younger brother although he was in a serious relationship from 15 - 19.

cmurph

in a word no.....if they weren't planning anything ,then there would be no reason to get worked up about it.......

we as the parents need to set boundaries and teach our kids values and then all we can hope is that they have respect for themselves........

Boston

jasonos wrote:

Amasingly short sighted I dont think so. I would never allow my daughter to share her room with another teenage boy, because for 1 reason I remember what I was like when I was a teenager.
Regarding your points boston I think we as parents have to keep an eye on her and know where she is at all times. And she understands the consequences of sex, her aunt volunteered to sit her down as she had a baby when she was 16.

If and when she hits college(often as young as 17), your control over her life and ability to know where she is and who she is with will go out the window. At this stage you'll have to have faith in her to make her own decisions.

Burga Galti

I'm not a parent but see no problems in friends sleeping in the same room together.

Then again, I take after my parents who's approach was they would advise us but also let us make our own mistakes. Once we'd learned the lesson of course, they would be there to help pick up the pieces.

I think that attitude came from a background where a lot of my family had kids at a young age and so my parents realised that strict control simply didn't work.