You need to be happy and content with yourself before you can be with another

LegacyUser

Ok, going unreggy for this, but I'm not sure if I really need to.
It's kind of a PI, but also might be useful advice for many PI's I've come across dealing with relationships and self contentness (that a word?).

Anyway, let me begin... I had a rough patch in my life last year with job other other things. Was really down in the dumps and last Christmas was very depressing. I pulled myself out of the hole (by realising I had a lot going for me) and got a new job early in the year. From there, I just grew happier and happier with myself. My confidence levels soared and I felt great.
One of the lovely girls I worked with made a move at me, and I went out with her for a while... and on top of that, a girl I fancied for years also got in touch out of the blue to ask me out too. Things couldn't get any better. I applied for different and better jobs, as I knew I was worth more, and I had 3 offers trying to outbid each other. It was such a turnaround from just 4 months previous. I ended up going out with the girl I fancied for years and things were great... or so I thought. (I let the other girl down gently, but still remained friends. No cheating was done). The relationship ended recently as it just didn't go where it needed to - although we had a great time together, we just didn't get close to one another. As hard as it is to accept it, I knew she felt this way, although I wanted it to work.
Anyway, that left me pretty heartbroken to be honest, but it's also raised the question of self happiness again. For some reason, when I broke up, I didn't feel happy with myself. What happened in those months I was with this girl that I lost that feeling I had before?
I remember someone questioning if they should break up with their partner, and someone else posted back 'can you manage without them?' This really hit it for me. I think I put too much time and effort (especially emotional) into the relationship and lost sight of my own personal goals and sources of happiness apart from her. Since then, I've tried to get back to Square one, so to speak, and it's working a charm. I'm putting more effort into my job, my hobbies, my sports, and my friends and socialising. Although it's still tough, I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel again, and have already woo'd a lovely lass. Now, I'm not going to jump into any relationship just yet, as I know I still have 'work' to do myself to get more happy with where I am in life, and get the balance right.

Ok, I hope that makes sense. I just really feel self happiness, with or without a partner, is just so important, and I feel you really shouldn't lose sight of this when in a relationship also. I hope maybe this helps someone who's just come out of a relationship and is left is a bit of a mess.
Any comments / similar experience? Thanks for reading. It felt good to get that out

miamee

You are dead right there OP, you need to be content with yourself before you can really start a relationship. Otherwise you can end up looking for a relationship to fill gaps in your life rather than because you just want to share life with someone.

I know once after I had been seriously hurt by the break up of a relationship it took a long time to get to the point where I thought Yes I would like a new relationship with someone completely new & I have a lot to give that person. And it was pretty good because of that. Even though it didn't last, lol.

spurious

Self esteem - the answer to almost everything in the personal sphere if you think about it.

The best of luck OP.

podge79

well i dont know i chucked in my job last year cos it was going nowhere and came back to college and ever since im wondering why did i bother cos i seem to be worse off no friends no nothing - few friends i do have are all off in different parts of the country and rarely get to see them - sometimes its not even worth bothering getting getting out of bed in the morning life is so dull - and dont anyone comeback saying try tis or that cos i have joined this club and that club and its been a monumental waste of time

whiskeyman

podge79 wrote:

well i dont know i chucked in my job last year cos it was going nowhere and came back to college and ever since im wondering why did i bother cos i seem to be worse off no friends no nothing - few friends i do have are all off in different parts of the country and rarely get to see them - sometimes its not even worth bothering getting getting out of bed in the morning life is so dull - and dont anyone comeback saying try tis or that cos i have joined this club and that club and its been a monumental waste of time

Your attitute just isn't in the right place, and that last time sums it up. Why was it a waste of time? Only you can make it what you want it.
Are you a sociable person? Did you strike up conversations in those clubs? Did you try and make friendships? Ok, one or two mightn't have been for you, but you can lie down and take it. The more effort you put in, the more reward you will gain. It mightn't be instantaneous, but it will happen.

podge79

it was a monumnetal waste of time - nothing ever seemed to happen in the clubs or anything and i was talking to people but theyd slowly slip away by what ever means possible just fed up of peoples attitudes and all that

Catari Jaguar

Podge, I suggest you buy "Life Strategies for Teens" by Jay mc Graw. A dumbed down less dull version of Dr. Phil's book. You get a workbook too. Could really help you.

shapez

Congratulations and I wish you well.

podge79

Lil Kitten wrote:

Podge, I suggest you buy "Life Strategies for Teens" by Jay mc Graw. A dumbed down less dull version of Dr. Phil's book. You get a workbook too. Could really help you.

no offence but i'm not a teen - 28 in fact and just fedup of the whole life thing at mo

shapez

Whats are you fed up about?

keynesian

Well I don't think a person needs to be a 100% when in or going into a relationship. I got into a relationship when (still am) a train wreck. I find a relationship with the right person can help you grow.

Further more, though out life your going to have your ups and downs and it's better to know that the other person can handle your downs. I mean, even if your content with life now, there's no reason why in 2 or 10 years time your life wont be turned up side down.

podge79

life and this constant having to prove yourself over and over to get jobs to get this to get that

Catari Jaguar

podge79 wrote:

no offence but i'm not a teen - 28 in fact and just fedup of the whole life thing at mo

Then read the Dr Phil Life Strategies.:p

If you're fed up, do something. No magic fairy will come along and change your life.

Make a list of what you want to change, and what you want to achieve and how you'll do it and then do it! Give yourself a time limit and stick to it.

"Are you a passenger in your life?" Woo! Dr. Phil!

CathyMoran

keynesian wrote:

Well I don't think a person needs to be a 100% when in or going into a relationship. I got into a relationship when (still am) a train wreck. I find a relationship with the right person can help you grow.

Further more, though out life your going to have your ups and downs and it's better to know that the other person can handle your downs. I mean, even if your content with life now, there's no reason why in 2 or 10 years time your life wont be turned up side down.

Would agree with you over this - just after I met Shane my life fell apart and there have been phases in both of our lives where we have supported one another, you need to know that your partner is there for you for the good and bad things in life.

Catari Jaguar

I failed college and had to take a year out. My dad had a huge issue with this and I got really depressed, close to suicidal had it not been for my boyfriend's support. Seriously, it was quarter life crisis, what to do with my life?? freaking about having no future, no job, cant afford a house, oil crisis (???) EVERYTHING, life just felt like it was getting away from me and I wanted to freeze time.

I thought I needed a "track", college => job => house etc. But life isn't like that. I got a job which I love. Did painting and drama classes and relaxed, enjoyed myself. Even moved out. Just kept getting happier as it wasn't the worst thing in the world. Best thing that EVER happendd to me.

I got much more confident with my self and my own skin. And fcuk it if I fail again, so what? I don't need to prove my self worth with a piece of paper. I'l go travel, live abroad maybe. Life will fall into place, just want to enjoy myself.

Yea, I read that book, I was 21

shapez

podge79 wrote:

life and this constant having to prove yourself over and over to get jobs to get this to get that

OK. I can't imagine places looking to hire someone would expect anything other than the person to be themselves. Do you what you are qualified to do and be trained along they way.

"this constant having to prove yourself" seems like you are in compitition with someone or have experienced this.

If it's related to getting a job, the vast majority of employers can see through the falseness and BS that an interviewee can deiliver at an interview. Whereas the likes of you would come out on top if you just be yourself.

podge79

life is a competition all the time - thats what pisses me off so much, kids get divided up into classes by their achievement, college places ur competing for, best students get the best jobs, best jobs get the best money its one big rollercoaster of a competition

shapez

Why do you let it bother you?

podge79

shapez wrote:

Why do you let it bother you?

because it does ok? and it pisses me off that lifes so hard

shapez

Life is hard yes. But there are ways and means of dealing with things.

There are some **** in life I don't like either, but I accept them and work around it if need be.

dvega

Yes im in the middle of what you went through,split with my gf of nearly 3 years was a bit depressed for awhile but just decided its my life and i can do anything i want,heading to oz in a few weeks and have decided to go back studing next september.

And yes again until i feel im happy about where things are going in my life i wont be jumping into another relationship.

Elessar

podge79 wrote:

because it does ok? and it pisses me off that lifes so hard

Please make your own thread and stop going off topic. Your issues don't have anything to do with this thread.

OP, I would agree with you, but since I have never been with anybody closely I can't comment too much. A lot of people in this world would agree with you, on principle, but I imagine that when it comes down to it, they actually rely too much on relationships for happyness.

Cake Fiend

podge79 wrote:

life is a competition all the time - thats what pisses me off so much, kids get divided up into classes by their achievement, college places ur competing for, best students get the best jobs, best jobs get the best money its one big rollercoaster of a competition

What did you expect? That's how the world (and nature) works - survival of the fittest. It's not going to change just because you don't like it, the only way you're going to feel better about life is to get better at it.

It could be worse - if a gazelle doesn't get its thumb out, it gets eaten by a lion! The worst that happens to you is that you get depressed and have a moan on the internet. Instead of moaning, you could try changing things. Don't like your job? Try a different one. Don't like that one now? Try another. Work hard, get good at it, get an even better job. Bored? Get a hobby. Every club you joined is crap? Maybe the clubs aren't the problem.

Kell

podge79 wrote:

because it does ok? and it pisses me off that lifes so hard

Eh- life is as difficult as you make it. If you CHOOSE it to be difficult, then it will be difficult. You can make the conscious decision to choose to have a simple uncluttered life and whether you want things to bother you or not.

This is NOT an over simplification either. It really is that easy. Once you stop worrying about shít or allow stuff to annoy you, life really does get that easy. For example, the OP gives this great big speil about how getting your life on track makes relationships so much stronger blah blah blah. I spell this out to folk in simple black and white speak on a daily basis, but no one takes note. Throw in a flowery speech about the fúcking obvious and everyone gets it. Whats all that about? If its not complicated, no one seems to get it. Thats why a LOT of people dont get that life is easy. Its like, if it aint complicated it cant be true. Bóllix.

As for the competition, the only competition you have in life is getting a job. Thats it. The rest is meaningless bollíx as the cream always comes to the top in every other situation.

K-

whiskeyman

Kell wrote:

This is NOT an over simplification either. It really is that easy. Once you stop worrying about shít or allow stuff to annoy you, life really does get that easy. For example, the OP gives this great big speil about how getting your life on track makes relationships so much stronger blah blah blah. I spell this out to folk in simple black and white speak on a daily basis, but no one takes note. Throw in a flowery speech about the fúcking obvious and everyone gets it. Whats all that about? If its not complicated, no one seems to get it. Thats why a LOT of people dont get that life is easy. Its like, if it aint complicated it cant be true. Bóllix.

Well said Kell.
I think people expect it to be complicated. Many just can't fathom that something like this could really be so simple, and perhaps some need it to appear complicated for their own comfort in their lack of trying. 'It's too hard, I won't bother' attitute.