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Lost confidence because of a scar

  • 02-01-2007 09:17PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,256 ✭✭✭


    Alright, somewhat personal but here it goes:
    Last spring, I went for a check up and my doctor found a small tumor in my breast. So, after mammograms and ultrasounds it was determined that the tumor showed some characteristics of cancer, but also showed some characteristics of being benign. Given my age and family history, the doctors figured it was benign, but still wanted to remove it and have it tested to be certain.
    I told my boyfriend at the time and he was very upset - not because I might have cancer, but because the surgery would leave a scar. He was adament that girls should not have scars, especially on that part of the body. He was also concerned that it would uneven them. Anyway, he ended up leaving me as a result, on the grounds that after the surgery I would be 'damaged goods.' It wasn't nice, to be sure, and I told him as such and recommended he never contact me again, which he hasn't.
    I had the surgery, it went fine, the boobs are still the same size, the tumor wasn't cancerous. But it has left a scar. I was told that because of where they cut into me, the scar would blend right in and would be unnoticeable once it healed. It's been about 8-9 months now though, and you can definately still see it.
    Bizarre as it seems, because of my ex's reaction, I'm really kind of self conscious about this. I've not been with another man since, and I'm not sure how they would take it if I were to remove my top and there's this scar on what would normally be one of their favorite places.
    I know it could be a lot worse and I should be thanking my lucky stars that it wasn't, and trust me I do - it wasn't easy to go through a month and a half of tests, being told I might have breast cancer, having a surgery, and getting dumped in the middle of it all.
    But I'm having trouble finding my confidence and feeling appealing to men.
    Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?


«13

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,787 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?
    No offence, but that is so preposterous that it sounds like you invented it.

    Yes there are insensative people in the world, but if a girl takes off her top, the lads are all thinking "boobies", not "oh, look theres a scar". Even if they do notice the scar, most people realise that, you know, life happens and some people have scars, others have spots and bumps and lumps.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,256 ✭✭✭metaoblivia


    I know it sounds ridiculous, but it did happen. Obviously, no way to prove it to you, but such is life.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,277 ✭✭✭✭Rb


    He was simply cruel, selfish jerk.

    Trust me, most men (and certainly I personally) would completely understand and it would have no effect on how attractive we/he/I found you. Its only a scar afterall and will fade as time goes by.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 154 ✭✭killeoin


    Dear Lord. I don't mean to offend you but is this a legit post? I find it hard to believe that anyone would act in such a way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,256 ✭✭✭metaoblivia


    Ay, see above killeoin. I'm beginning to regret even posting this.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 154 ✭✭killeoin


    Well about your boyfriend I really don't know what to say, expect I suppose there are some very odd people out there.

    About the scar I wouldn't worry. If you really feel down about it then wear tight rather than revealing tops when going out and at the start of a relationship until you feel comfortable not to?

    However, believe me, people pay no attention to things like that and without doubt I would say its far less visable than you think it is.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,981 ✭✭✭Caliden


    he sounds like an idiot who was looking for a way out without making himself feel bad but gave you all the hurt as a result.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,356 ✭✭✭punchdrunk


    sorry for you having to endure the dregs of the male gene pool,your ex sounds like a right plank,and the fact that he was more worried about himself than you when you were going through something that distressing shows he was an immature fool
    if i really loved a girl it wouldn't matter at all...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,626 ✭✭✭Stargal


    Ay, see above killeoin. I'm beginning to regret even posting this.

    Ignore them. It must have been very difficult to post that so disregard the stupid responses.

    You've been through a hell of a lot; I've two friends who've had cancer scares, and they've both talked about how scary and uncertain the whole process is. It must have been a lot more difficult with that idiot of a boyfriend. You're well rid of him. Whatever about what was keeping you two together, his reaction was immature and selfish, especially considering what you were going through.

    His reaction was atypical though; most guys are unlikely to care about a small scar. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend had one - if anything it's a sign of having gone through something difficult and having come out on the other side.

    If you're that worried about it, then there is make-up available that will help to hide the scar. My friend had a scar on her face/neck, and got advice from the Clinique counter, where they used some special anti-scar stuff before putting on some base so that the scar couldn't really be seen. This is more of a stop-gap solution though; you need to build up your self-confidence, and to realise that most guys genuinely won't care about your scar.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 154 ✭✭killeoin


    punchdrunk wrote:
    if i really loved a girl it wouldn't matter at all...

    You wouldn't even have to Love someone. If you had any heart you would feel for somebody going through that.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,356 ✭✭✭punchdrunk


    yep agreed,so i'd say you had a very lucky escape in the end
    not only from cancer but from that gob****e!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 154 ✭✭killeoin


    stargal wrote:
    Ignore them. It must have been very difficult to post that so disregard the stupid responses.

    How is any response here stupid? This boyfriend does seem from a different planet. To be told somebody had a cancer scare and all there other half was worried about was whether the operation would leave a scare or uneven her breasts would leave you mind boggled and not trying to be cruel questioning the validity of this post.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,349 ✭✭✭daiixi


    Your ex is a jerk as is anyone who would not want to be with you or would be put off by a scar.
    I have scars all over my knees, on my elbows, on my feet. If a partner doesn't like it then they can get lost. Funny, when my sister had her eyebrow pierced people kept saying that if it rejected then she'd have a scar to which she always replied "So what?" It did reject and she does have a scar but so what? She's still her.
    If a guy is thinking anything other than "OH MY GOD SKIN" (or the like) when he gets that close to you then he should take a hike. Scars are sexy anyway.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,285 ✭✭✭Smellyirishman


    Considering that the scar brings up the reasonable potential to ask "Oh, can I have a look at your breasts?" then I doubt many guys will mind :p. Your Ex was a complete f**king idiot, don't worry about the scar.

    May I ask, is it below the breast like an implant scar or somewhere else?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭nodger


    Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

    Your ex is a despicable asshole. I don't think the scar would bother most blokes, and certainly not to the extent that they would end/avoid a relationship because of it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,626 ✭✭✭Stargal


    killeoin wrote:
    Dear Lord. I don't mean to offend you but is this a legit post? I find it hard to believe that anyone would act in such a way.
    killeoin wrote:
    How is any response here stupid? This boyfriend does seem from a different planet. To be told somebody had a cancer scare and all there other half was worried about was whether the operation would leave a scare or uneven her breasts would leave you mind boggled and not trying to be cruel questioning the validity of this post.

    Questioning the legitimacy of the poster wasn't helpful. If it wasn't legit then it would have been unregged, badly spelled and a lot less articulate than it actually was. Yes the boyfriend's behaviour was outrageous but that doesn't automatically mean that the OP was lying.

    /Back OT
    punchdrunk wrote:
    yep agreed,so i'd say you had a very lucky escape in the end
    not only from cancer but from that gob****e!

    QFT


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,256 ✭✭✭metaoblivia



    May I ask, is it below the breast like an implant scar or somewhere else?

    :o It's actually right around the nipple. Initially they were going to cut directly over the tumor which would have been on top, but they decided to go through the nipple line to try and make the scar less visible. The job wasn't as well done though so it didn't fade in as well as the doctor would have liked. From my perspective (and I may be hypersensitive to it), you can definately tell a difference between the two.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 vermont


    That guy is a worthless idiot, you are well rid of him. If it wasn't over this, it would've been over something else down the line, so look on him being gone as a positive in your life!

    Guaranteed, someone who really likes you won't even notice the existence of a scar, and anyway the scar is probably a lot more noticeable to you than it might be to someone else. There's also a cream you can get in pharmacies which is supposed to diminish the appearance of scars over time. Sorry I can't tell you the name of it, but anyone in a pharmacy will know, or you could check it out on the net.

    Please don't let a prat like your ex put you off getting on with your life and meeting other men.....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,649 ✭✭✭Catari Jaguar


    Your ex is a fcukn knob. You're well shot of him, what an insupportive selfish ass. OMG! :mad:

    Don't be self concious. Any guy I've ever met loves scars. My cousin has a huge one on her thigh and her boyf hardly notices it, she has one on her boob as well actually.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 224 ✭✭Jotter


    no all men wont be like that - I have a big deep purple scar on my left boob due to surgery for breast absess. Before I had baby I had the perfect figure, big boobs tiny waist and a toned stomach without any effort. Baby was a whopper and I was HUGE during pregnancy, no extra weight all baby. Anyway although Im down to a size 10 (was an 8) I have a bit of extra skin on my stomach and stretch marks, plus my new scar on boob! To say my body has changed is an understatement but my sex life hasnt and my dh still finds me sexy and I have no probs with confidence etc as a result. As far as Im concerned Im a milf :D
    Forget your ex hes an idiot who did you a favour by showing that he cared more about your looks then your health, youre well rid. Go to a personal developement course get your confidence back and find some bloke whos worthy of your boobs dont give a bloke like him a second thought - thankfully hes in the minority!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Your ex sounds horrible. My husband has a massive scar down his chest and I actually think that it is very cute. I will be getting a massive scar soon due to my cancer being removed, already have a name for it as it will look like a shark bite but I know that my husband would never leave me over it. The main thing is that you did not get cancer and you got rid of someone who did not love you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,598 ✭✭✭ferdi


    as stated above you ex-bf is a tool, dont let his idiocy damage your confidence. speaking personally, scars are gnarly - i dig them on chicks;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,406 ✭✭✭✭justsomebloke


    eh your a stunning looking girl, chances are that your boyfriend was looking for the perfect oramental girlfriend, the good ould trophy girlfriend. Then when the reality of life came crashing down on him he wasn't prepared to deal with it and jumped shipped.
    our difference are the things that make us unique and interesting so embrace them, nobody is perfect. So yes there are going to be other men like this but at least you now have at least one easy way of getting rid of the crap ones without finding out later what a pr*cks they where


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 497 ✭✭FranchisePlayer


    Your ex boyfriend sounds like a right bastard.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,921 ✭✭✭✭Pigman II


    Victor wrote:
    No offence, but that is so preposterous that it sounds like you invented it.

    Was thinking the same thing. For example I'm a total jerk by all accounts but even I can't imagine doing that.

    That said tho if I had my eye on the prize I might be a little shocked to discover a scar there. Wouldn't stop me tho. :p

    Probably could be good if you warned any potential explorers in advance that you have a scar there before they actually see it. Can't imagine anyone caring but like I say it could be an unexpected sight.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Look at it as a battle scar. Breast cancer is a very serious disease that affects 1 in 3 women. Be proud of your scar! It shows strenght and awareness and is a sign of your good health. If it weren't for that scar, you might have full blown cancer.

    Most men will be intrigued by it. I have a few scars in places. They're small, but people always ask me about them when they notice, in a good way.

    You're making a mountain out of a molehill really.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Your ex isn't the only man in the world who would be such a dickhead.

    However, he is still perhaps the biggest dickheads ever mentioned in a Personal Issues thread, so long term his dumping you was a good thing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

    I would use a hell of a lot stronger language tbh and just about his scar phobia
    but due to his selfishness and lack of support for you when you were going through such a difficult time.

    People are not perfect and this may sound harsh but better you found out when you did rather then him freaking out about a c section scar after you had a child together.

    So you have a scar that most people will never see and it tells of your journey and your life and that of other women in you family and hopefully you will live a long and happy live with some one who deserves you and a spitefull child in a mans body.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,331 ✭✭✭✭bronte


    My god you're lucky to be rid of him!
    You've been through enought without this :rolleyes:
    It's our little "flaws" that make us beautiful and unique.
    Feel proud of the scar...you survived a scary time in your life it tells a story of that time.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 24,631 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Your ex is a cvnt. Well rid of him.

    From your picture in 'Know Your Nerds', any guy would be lucky to have you. You've absoulutely nothing to be self-concious about. :)


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