Lost confidence because of a scar

metaoblivia

Alright, somewhat personal but here it goes:
Last spring, I went for a check up and my doctor found a small tumor in my breast. So, after mammograms and ultrasounds it was determined that the tumor showed some characteristics of cancer, but also showed some characteristics of being benign. Given my age and family history, the doctors figured it was benign, but still wanted to remove it and have it tested to be certain.
I told my boyfriend at the time and he was very upset - not because I might have cancer, but because the surgery would leave a scar. He was adament that girls should not have scars, especially on that part of the body. He was also concerned that it would uneven them. Anyway, he ended up leaving me as a result, on the grounds that after the surgery I would be 'damaged goods.' It wasn't nice, to be sure, and I told him as such and recommended he never contact me again, which he hasn't.
I had the surgery, it went fine, the boobs are still the same size, the tumor wasn't cancerous. But it has left a scar. I was told that because of where they cut into me, the scar would blend right in and would be unnoticeable once it healed. It's been about 8-9 months now though, and you can definately still see it.
Bizarre as it seems, because of my ex's reaction, I'm really kind of self conscious about this. I've not been with another man since, and I'm not sure how they would take it if I were to remove my top and there's this scar on what would normally be one of their favorite places.
I know it could be a lot worse and I should be thanking my lucky stars that it wasn't, and trust me I do - it wasn't easy to go through a month and a half of tests, being told I might have breast cancer, having a surgery, and getting dumped in the middle of it all.
But I'm having trouble finding my confidence and feeling appealing to men.
Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

Victor

metaoblivia wrote:

Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

No offence, but that is so preposterous that it sounds like you invented it.

Yes there are insensative people in the world, but if a girl takes off her top, the lads are all thinking "boobies", not "oh, look theres a scar". Even if they do notice the scar, most people realise that, you know, life happens and some people have scars, others have spots and bumps and lumps.

metaoblivia

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it did happen. Obviously, no way to prove it to you, but such is life.

Rb

He was simply cruel, selfish jerk.

Trust me, most men (and certainly I personally) would completely understand and it would have no effect on how attractive we/he/I found you. Its only a scar afterall and will fade as time goes by.

killeoin

Dear Lord. I don't mean to offend you but is this a legit post? I find it hard to believe that anyone would act in such a way.

metaoblivia

Ay, see above killeoin. I'm beginning to regret even posting this.

killeoin

Well about your boyfriend I really don't know what to say, expect I suppose there are some very odd people out there.

About the scar I wouldn't worry. If you really feel down about it then wear tight rather than revealing tops when going out and at the start of a relationship until you feel comfortable not to?

However, believe me, people pay no attention to things like that and without doubt I would say its far less visable than you think it is.

Caliden

he sounds like an idiot who was looking for a way out without making himself feel bad but gave you all the hurt as a result.

punchdrunk

sorry for you having to endure the dregs of the male gene pool,your ex sounds like a right plank,and the fact that he was more worried about himself than you when you were going through something that distressing shows he was an immature fool
if i really loved a girl it wouldn't matter at all...

Stargal

metaoblivia wrote:

Ay, see above killeoin. I'm beginning to regret even posting this.

Ignore them. It must have been very difficult to post that so disregard the stupid responses.

You've been through a hell of a lot; I've two friends who've had cancer scares, and they've both talked about how scary and uncertain the whole process is. It must have been a lot more difficult with that idiot of a boyfriend. You're well rid of him. Whatever about what was keeping you two together, his reaction was immature and selfish, especially considering what you were going through.

His reaction was atypical though; most guys are unlikely to care about a small scar. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend had one - if anything it's a sign of having gone through something difficult and having come out on the other side.

If you're that worried about it, then there is make-up available that will help to hide the scar. My friend had a scar on her face/neck, and got advice from the Clinique counter, where they used some special anti-scar stuff before putting on some base so that the scar couldn't really be seen. This is more of a stop-gap solution though; you need to build up your self-confidence, and to realise that most guys genuinely won't care about your scar.

killeoin

punchdrunk wrote:

if i really loved a girl it wouldn't matter at all...

You wouldn't even have to Love someone. If you had any heart you would feel for somebody going through that.

punchdrunk

yep agreed,so i'd say you had a very lucky escape in the end
not only from cancer but from that gob****e!

killeoin

stargal wrote:

Ignore them. It must have been very difficult to post that so disregard the stupid responses.

How is any response here stupid? This boyfriend does seem from a different planet. To be told somebody had a cancer scare and all there other half was worried about was whether the operation would leave a scare or uneven her breasts would leave you mind boggled and not trying to be cruel questioning the validity of this post.

daiixi

Your ex is a jerk as is anyone who would not want to be with you or would be put off by a scar.
I have scars all over my knees, on my elbows, on my feet. If a partner doesn't like it then they can get lost. Funny, when my sister had her eyebrow pierced people kept saying that if it rejected then she'd have a scar to which she always replied "So what?" It did reject and she does have a scar but so what? She's still her.
If a guy is thinking anything other than "OH MY GOD SKIN" (or the like) when he gets that close to you then he should take a hike. Scars are sexy anyway.

Smellyirishman

Considering that the scar brings up the reasonable potential to ask "Oh, can I have a look at your breasts?" then I doubt many guys will mind . Your Ex was a complete f**king idiot, don't worry about the scar.

May I ask, is it below the breast like an implant scar or somewhere else?

nodger

metaoblivia wrote:

Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

Your ex is a despicable asshole. I don't think the scar would bother most blokes, and certainly not to the extent that they would end/avoid a relationship because of it.

Stargal

killeoin wrote:

Dear Lord. I don't mean to offend you but is this a legit post? I find it hard to believe that anyone would act in such a way.

killeoin wrote:

How is any response here stupid? This boyfriend does seem from a different planet. To be told somebody had a cancer scare and all there other half was worried about was whether the operation would leave a scare or uneven her breasts would leave you mind boggled and not trying to be cruel questioning the validity of this post.

Questioning the legitimacy of the poster wasn't helpful. If it wasn't legit then it would have been unregged, badly spelled and a lot less articulate than it actually was. Yes the boyfriend's behaviour was outrageous but that doesn't automatically mean that the OP was lying.

/Back OT

punchdrunk wrote:

yep agreed,so i'd say you had a very lucky escape in the end
not only from cancer but from that gob****e!

QFT

metaoblivia

Smellyirishman wrote:

May I ask, is it below the breast like an implant scar or somewhere else?

It's actually right around the nipple. Initially they were going to cut directly over the tumor which would have been on top, but they decided to go through the nipple line to try and make the scar less visible. The job wasn't as well done though so it didn't fade in as well as the doctor would have liked. From my perspective (and I may be hypersensitive to it), you can definately tell a difference between the two.

vermont

That guy is a worthless idiot, you are well rid of him. If it wasn't over this, it would've been over something else down the line, so look on him being gone as a positive in your life!

Guaranteed, someone who really likes you won't even notice the existence of a scar, and anyway the scar is probably a lot more noticeable to you than it might be to someone else. There's also a cream you can get in pharmacies which is supposed to diminish the appearance of scars over time. Sorry I can't tell you the name of it, but anyone in a pharmacy will know, or you could check it out on the net.

Please don't let a prat like your ex put you off getting on with your life and meeting other men.....

Catari Jaguar

Your ex is a fcukn knob. You're well shot of him, what an insupportive selfish ass. OMG! :mad:

Don't be self concious. Any guy I've ever met loves scars. My cousin has a huge one on her thigh and her boyf hardly notices it, she has one on her boob as well actually.

Jotter

no all men wont be like that - I have a big deep purple scar on my left boob due to surgery for breast absess. Before I had baby I had the perfect figure, big boobs tiny waist and a toned stomach without any effort. Baby was a whopper and I was HUGE during pregnancy, no extra weight all baby. Anyway although Im down to a size 10 (was an 8) I have a bit of extra skin on my stomach and stretch marks, plus my new scar on boob! To say my body has changed is an understatement but my sex life hasnt and my dh still finds me sexy and I have no probs with confidence etc as a result. As far as Im concerned Im a milf
Forget your ex hes an idiot who did you a favour by showing that he cared more about your looks then your health, youre well rid. Go to a personal developement course get your confidence back and find some bloke whos worthy of your boobs dont give a bloke like him a second thought - thankfully hes in the minority!

CathyMoran

Your ex sounds horrible. My husband has a massive scar down his chest and I actually think that it is very cute. I will be getting a massive scar soon due to my cancer being removed, already have a name for it as it will look like a shark bite but I know that my husband would never leave me over it. The main thing is that you did not get cancer and you got rid of someone who did not love you.

ferdi

as stated above you ex-bf is a tool, dont let his idiocy damage your confidence. speaking personally, scars are gnarly - i dig them on chicks;)

justsomebloke

eh your a stunning looking girl, chances are that your boyfriend was looking for the perfect oramental girlfriend, the good ould trophy girlfriend. Then when the reality of life came crashing down on him he wasn't prepared to deal with it and jumped shipped.
our difference are the things that make us unique and interesting so embrace them, nobody is perfect. So yes there are going to be other men like this but at least you now have at least one easy way of getting rid of the crap ones without finding out later what a pr*cks they where

FranchisePlayer

Your ex boyfriend sounds like a right bastard.

Pigman II

Victor wrote:

No offence, but that is so preposterous that it sounds like you invented it.

Was thinking the same thing. For example I'm a total jerk by all accounts but even I can't imagine doing that.

That said tho if I had my eye on the prize I might be a little shocked to discover a scar there. Wouldn't stop me tho.

Probably could be good if you warned any potential explorers in advance that you have a scar there before they actually see it. Can't imagine anyone caring but like I say it could be an unexpected sight.

Faith

Look at it as a battle scar. Breast cancer is a very serious disease that affects 1 in 3 women. Be proud of your scar! It shows strenght and awareness and is a sign of your good health. If it weren't for that scar, you might have full blown cancer.

Most men will be intrigued by it. I have a few scars in places. They're small, but people always ask me about them when they notice, in a good way.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill really.

Talliesin

Your ex isn't the only man in the world who would be such a dickhead.

However, he is still perhaps the biggest dickheads ever mentioned in a Personal Issues thread, so long term his dumping you was a good thing.

Nevyn

metaoblivia wrote:

Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

I would use a hell of a lot stronger language tbh and just about his scar phobia
but due to his selfishness and lack of support for you when you were going through such a difficult time.

People are not perfect and this may sound harsh but better you found out when you did rather then him freaking out about a c section scar after you had a child together.

So you have a scar that most people will never see and it tells of your journey and your life and that of other women in you family and hopefully you will live a long and happy live with some one who deserves you and a spitefull child in a mans body.

bronte

My god you're lucky to be rid of him!
You've been through enought without this :rolleyes:
It's our little "flaws" that make us beautiful and unique.
Feel proud of the scar...you survived a scary time in your life it tells a story of that time.

Sleepy

Your ex is a cvnt. Well rid of him.

From your picture in 'Know Your Nerds', any guy would be lucky to have you. You've absoulutely nothing to be self-concious about.

BigCityBanker

Good jesus ur ex sounds like the right lad - did u ever wonder how u spent soe time with him in the first place.

Dont worry about the scar or lack of it, head up, chest out and tell the world to watch out. You will be fine, anybody that would comment or potentilly serve negative comments about you because of this scar isnt worth your time anyway. Think of the scar as an early screening test for your next man - he either passes the test or he doesnt.

empirix

metaoblivia wrote:

Alright, somewhat personal but here it goes:
Last spring, I went for a check up and my doctor found a small tumor in my breast. So, after mammograms and ultrasounds it was determined that the tumor showed some characteristics of cancer, but also showed some characteristics of being benign. Given my age and family history, the doctors figured it was benign, but still wanted to remove it and have it tested to be certain.
I told my boyfriend at the time and he was very upset - not because I might have cancer, but because the surgery would leave a scar. He was adament that girls should not have scars, especially on that part of the body. He was also concerned that it would uneven them. Anyway, he ended up leaving me as a result, on the grounds that after the surgery I would be 'damaged goods.' It wasn't nice, to be sure, and I told him as such and recommended he never contact me again, which he hasn't.
I had the surgery, it went fine, the boobs are still the same size, the tumor wasn't cancerous. But it has left a scar. I was told that because of where they cut into me, the scar would blend right in and would be unnoticeable once it healed. It's been about 8-9 months now though, and you can definately still see it.
Bizarre as it seems, because of my ex's reaction, I'm really kind of self conscious about this. I've not been with another man since, and I'm not sure how they would take it if I were to remove my top and there's this scar on what would normally be one of their favorite places.
I know it could be a lot worse and I should be thanking my lucky stars that it wasn't, and trust me I do - it wasn't easy to go through a month and a half of tests, being told I might have breast cancer, having a surgery, and getting dumped in the middle of it all.
But I'm having trouble finding my confidence and feeling appealing to men.
Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

what a dipstick, **** him. You shouldn't be worried, you had a possibility of a serious illness, embrace life and be happy and confident, the right guy will come along, others have not been so lucky

the_syco

I'll say the same thing to anyone with a scar. Scar's are usually cool. The only time when scar's aren't cool are when its due to something stupid they did and it's on their face. Otherwise, as I said, scars are cool. They tell a story.

If you don't like it, hide it with a tattoo. As the old saying goes "the best place to hide is in the public eye". A mad tattoo either intergrating the scar, or covering it.

Catari Jaguar

the_syco wrote:

I'll say the same thing to anyone with a scar. Scar's are usually cool. The only time when scar's aren't cool are when its due to something stupid they did and it's on their face. .

Whats wrong with face scars? I think they are very sexy.

the_syco

Lil Kitten wrote:

Whats wrong with face scars? I think they are very sexy.

As I said, if its caused by something stupid, such as fights, etc, I don't see it as cool. There's "cool", and then there's "from the forehead to the chin over a half a pint of larger stupidity". Could be just me tho. A scar down the side of a face can look cool, tho.

o1s1n

Personally i love scars and would be rid of none of mine.

http://www.scarmageddon.com/about_site.php

paddyc

dont be listening to that assh*le, there aint to many men like that...

was talking to a girl at home over the holidays and she fainted at mass while giving a reading and split her face open from her forehead all the way to her nose, and theres a scar on it, she reckons that its off putting to men... not in the slightest...

having done thai for years i aint the prettiest and i got a few scars on my face and if i can get a partner anyone can


paddy

doctor evil

Your ex sounds like pon scum.

Bio-oil I found was very good for scars but as far as I now its more for new scars. Still worth a try.

insane drummer

first of all, im glad it wasn't cancer! and no, i agree with the majority of ppl here. if my gf whipped out her boobs and there was a scar on it (like the first time i saw them) i would be more concerned at controlling my sexual urge to take the rest of her cloths off so fast that id pull muscles!

don't mind him, a scars a scar, you cant help it, it more than likely isn't as noticeable as you think it is, and tbh, im sure the majority of lads wouldn't give a f**K anyways.

Stabshauptmann

I was seeing a girl before who had a similar scar in the same place. I consistantly forgot about it. I could never remember which one it was on. To me it wouldnt matter in the slightest, and it may not be as visable to everyone as it is to you.

That being said I still think about my own. I have 3 scars and a big bump myself and I feel as if the latter in particulat spoils photos. Nobody ever seems to notice though until pointed out, and sometimes not even then.

Is your ex's thinking typical of men? No. If someone acted that way to a friend or family member Id give them a scar of their own to worry about. Men are incredibly simple creatures. We dont notice much under normal circumstances...

sceptre

metaoblivia wrote:

Will the majority of men share my ex's view or was he simply being a jerk?

Like Thaedydal, I'd use rather stronger language than "jerk".

Wouldn't matter to me and I'm relatively normal.

amoKey

an ex of mine had a huge scar(couple of inches long) running right down between her breasts. when she was a teenager she had a problem with a valve in her heart and had to have major surgery. When i first say it I was courious as to what caused it. she told me and i wont say i lost interest in teh scar, I thought it was cute, but it sure as hel didn't repulse me. And I think I speak for most guys when I say it wouldn't be a problem.

as was said there is cream you can get that will help lesson teh scar some what, but I think the idiot of an ex may have cause d you some emotional damage which will in the long term hinder you more than any sacar ever would.

as others have said, you have been through a very traumatic time, something I as a man will never have to deal with. but you made it through it all, wear your scar with pride it shows your inner strength and courage to face these battles.

as for the ex, you're well shot of him. he deserves to be alone for a long time for such a cruel jesture and you obviously meant very little to him if he could dump you in your time of need. Forget him, move on there's many a guy out there that will treat you right.

miles teg

whether people like scars or not, you're not "damaged good", so don't feel anyway bad about yourself.
i like scars

Angels

To the OP, I had an operation when i was younger & it left a 8 cm scar down the side of my thigh. Now i was extremely self consious about it so i always tried to cover it up.

This went on for years until i met my current boyfriend who has showed me not to be ashamed of my scar but to be proud of it as it shows what i have been through, now he has given me the confidence to go out and wear swim suits & enjoy life.

Now in relation to your ex boyfriend, he just wasn't the one for you. He obviously has issues with scars himself, which is something that he needs
resolve.

Therefore don't be ashamed of your scar like i did, it's a part of who you are now & it symbolises a though time that you've been through. No man is going to judge you on it, if anything he'll respect you for it.

Don't put yourself through this grief because of an inconsiderate man, you've come through this tough time, your worth more than that!

Muineach

Well I'll put it this way, when I was 20 and in college I met a girl (19) and fell in love, though at the time she was worried that she had a mastectomy done on one breast the year before and worried what I would think.

TBH it never entered my head, if the guys worth a s**t it wont matter. (oh yea she dumped me for other reasons not related)

As a matter of fact I've been diagnosed with a brain cancer for the last 18 months and ended up getting this scar for a surgery I had this christmas (pics below), tomorrow I'm heading into work a bit and I'll wear them with pride, as I see it if people have a problem with them, its theres not mine.

(dont worry not gory, all nice and cleaned up)
Pic 1 of head
Pic 2 of head

I know its cruel, being bald, redhead and brain cancer :P

vermont

Fair play to you Muineach .... you have a great outlook!

Good scar too.... very neat job...

CathyMoran

Yes, fair play to you Muineach! Due to get a scar that we will be calling my sharkbite in February when I have cancer surgery, yes, it will be something of pride, did not think of it that way before your post.

To the OP - just saw a photo of you, my husband and I think that you are very beautiful, your ex has lost out on someone wonderful.

sweet-rasmus

of course your bf was a jerk and you shouldn't let it affect your confidence.

someone else mentioned something which is meant to be good at healing scars; i've been told that vitamin E (cream or oil) should aid scars well. i have yet to find out how well they do

Catari Jaguar

Muineach wrote:

As a matter of fact I've been diagnosed with a brain cancer for the last 18 months and ended up getting this scar for a surgery I had this christmas (pics below), tomorrow I'm heading into work a bit and I'll wear them with pride, as I see it if people have a problem with them, its theres not mine.

(dont worry not gory, all nice and cleaned up)
Pic 1 of head
Pic 2 of head

I know its cruel, being bald, redhead and brain cancer :P

I think you're scar is cute. and hot. I seriously love scars. My boyf had Crohn's and has a big scar across his stomach, I love it!

And congrats for getting through it! My mam had a clot on her brain, that was a scary time for us all. She's fine now, has a cool scar on her head too actually!

turbot

Hey - put it like this:

1) Most porn stars and any women who've ever got boob jobs have a scar. Some such scars are more visible than others. This includes most female celebrities females.

So - keep in mind the majority of women who are considered the sexiest in the World, have scars, on their breasts.

For the rest of the World outside of your head, this is not an issue.

2) Your ex-boyfriend left a scar on you mentally because he's an asshole.
Being more concerned that you were physically perfect, than for you to survive, shows that he wasn't really appreciating the girl behind your eyes - the you inside. Maybe you didn't realise this at the time, but he was very shallow, and his opinion, not worth listening to or giving credence to.
Luckily, with the right TLC, you can completely overcome this.

3) For some people, like certain people who are into body modification and tattoing, having a scar is sexy. Some people scar themselves!!!

4) I think the trauma of the surgery and the situation, combined with your ex shunning you when you needed emotional support, left you vulnerable. So now you have to brave so you can have a good time. Sometimes I find that I'm feeling down, when I set out to cheer someone else up, it lifts my spirits too. Mabye for you such an approach will help you focus outside yourself more.

5) You haven't mentioned what the rest of you is like.... do you have a nice bum? Thighs? Lips?