want the druggies to leave me alone!

lilrayosunshine

Botswana wrote:

Yeah, I am being harsh, but I really have a problem with people who blame others for their issues! The world is full of these people. You know, the let's sue McDonalds because we've no self-control brigade. Etc.

Agreed!

She's not even willing to change her mobile number, so she's obviously a lost cause.

Don't think she's a lost cause she just needs someone to tell her what she needs to do! And now that a few people here have.. hopefully she will listen and learn to move on, Positively!

Talliesin

I'm not sure what's making some posters think the OP is in the US. Obviously it's much more likely that they're in Ireland and the second most likely place is the UK. Still, in the US you can find how to contact your local rape crisis centre from RAINN at http://tools.rainn.org/counseling-centers/ or phone their National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1800 656 HOPE. In the UK you can find a local rape crisis centre at http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/members.html. In Ireland, as well as the DRCC in Dublin Thaedydal mentioned there are the following:

Athlone: 1 800 306 600
Belfast: 0801 232 249 696
Clonmel: 1 800 340 340
Cork: 1 800 496 496
Donegal: 1 800 44 88 44
Dublin: 1 800 778 888
Dundalk: 1 800 21 21 22
Galway: 1 850 355 355
Kerry: 1 800 633 333
Kilkenny: 056 51555
Limerick:1 800 311 511
Mayo: 094 25657
Sligo: 071 71188
South Leinster: 1 800 727 737
Tullamore: 1 800 323 232
Waterford: 1 800 296 296
Wexford: 1 800 330 033

Calling none of these numbers will put you into a past-the-point-of-no-return situation. They are anonymous counselling numbers, so you have little to lose in calling them about the rape.

Since you are a legal adult you can go for further counselling without fear that you will have to press charges or make any sort of criminal complaint (in this regard I'm totally going with the assumption that you are in Ireland where the law requires counsellors to contact the Gardaí only in the case of their being an assault of a child, the situation may differ if you're elsewhere though it generally counsellors can offer adult clients a strong degree of confidentiality).

Of course you could decide that you do want to contact the Gardaí (or whatever law-enforcement there is where you are) on the matter and as has been stated this will not mean that you have to go on in assisting a prosecution (quite the opposite, if you do want there to be a prosecution the prosecutor may feel there isn't enough evidence to prove it happened in a court of law).

There's also the possibility of a restraining order, a barring order or a safety order. Before it comes to that do just get on with dropping your myspace, changing your number and telling anyone who tries to pass on a message that he was bad for you and you do not want any contact with it (if he manages to get anyone gullible wrapped up in a nice story about what a great guy he is these days and his wonderfully romantic hopes for making things right with you, just drop that person from your life until they learn a bit more about life and aren't as easily fooled by such crap).

There's been a bit of a to-and-fro above with some posters feeling that some other posters are blaming you for what happened. It's certainly not helpful to feel that you are to blame, but it is important that you take control of what happens next.

Don't be afraid of making a few hard decisions. If you're hoping someone will find a nice easy way of sorting all of this out without anything being difficult for you that's simply not going to happen I'm afraid. That's damn unfair but no less true for being unfair.

pickarooney

If he pesters you via your MySpace page (whatever that is), use it to out him publically as a rapist, see how many people want to chat with him after that.

chump

Shellie13 wrote:

Look you really need to take resopnsibility yourself for the lifestyle you led...this "they made me" does no good for you in the long run. You seem to have moved on-fair play- now decided what you want-not what they are "forcing" you to do!

You seem to have your goals or watever clear don't let someone who you feel dosen't deserve you sidetrack you!

So true, first thing I thought after reading this. My ma made me read it.

LegacyUser

Botswana wrote:

. YOU are the one at fault here. Only YOU control your life.

Staying with someone who rapes you?

Get a grip, seriously...

well obviously i did not stay with him as i am not with him now. and thanks alot for saying i am the one to blame for being raped. He was my BOYFRIEND, i did not know he was capable of that until it happened!

Just for the record, I'm in the UK. And none of my family or freinds know what he did to me, and I can't tell anyone. I don't want it to become public knowledge. And whats to say anyone would believe me anyway?

LegacyUser

How many impressionable young women in rural Ireland have heard of MySpace let alone have a MySpace page over a Bebo page?

How many people called Daria have you met in Ireland?

If the OP is Irish then she needs to get over to Creative Writing with her post as it reads straight from a script of the O.C.

If she's American then the links Tallesien posted could be of use. Wish her the best of luck if she's genuine. Change your cell and notify your family OP!!

Botswana

When I said you are the one at fault, I was obviously talking about your current situation, not about being raped.

It really sounds like you want us to say "poor you".

Are you going to change your number? Are you going to tell him to **** off or you'll call the police?

LegacyUser

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

MojoMaker

Best of luck shaking this creep.

Nevyn

unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

Well then go about getting a safety order, report him to the police get his house raided when you know there are going to be drugs there.
There are anti stalking laws get some advice and get him out of your life.

Talliesin

unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

That's enough to get a restraining order (at the very least a safety order, but given that he has no claim to a reason to share time with you, like if you shared a house that he had a legitimate claim to, then a restraining order would quite likely be worth looking in to).

I'm glad you aren't willing to accept any hint that you are to blame for what has happened - I know, if you're a rape survivor it's hard enough not to blame yourself at least partly without hearing the same thing from others - but you are responsible for your continuing actions.

And I agree, it isn't easy. But you can pretty much give up on easy right now. Easy doesn't happen very often in real life, and expecting that it will is extremely ****ing dangerous.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

Chances are the person looking for help is in Ireland as this is an irish website and the majority of people who post here are irish and living in Ireland.

Sorry poster, just like Thaedydal I got this totally wrong, sorry for not being sensitive enough to notice that of course you couldn't be Irish or in Ireland from the way you wrote your post. I empathise with you cos my bf raped me when I was 18 and told me he loved me the next day. You never expect it from people you love

dame

unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

OP, You've been given lots of advice here. Why don't you stop coming back with excuses and decide what you're actually going to do? We know it's hard but if you seriously want anything to change you have to get off your backside and be proactive. You don't have to be that victim girl any more, not unless you choose to by your own inaction.

turbot

Botswana wrote:

Yeah, I am being harsh, but I really have a problem with people who blame others for their issues! The world is full of these people. You know, the let's sue McDonalds because we've no self-control brigade. Etc.

She's not even willing to change her mobile number, so she's obviously a lost cause.

Botswana, I have a problem with people who make ignorant, stupid and snotty statements like yours.

Are you saying, the childen in Iraq, are wrong to complain that american warplanes blew up their countrys infrastructure, leading to a situation where they can't go to school and it's not safe to go outside? Are they a lost cause?

Botswana, are you too comfy in your experientially oligthropic world of your own high self opinion?

As for your ridiculous example - McDonalds uses state of the art psychological tactics, from colours to advertising, to entice and sculpt childrens behaviours way before they are old enough to make smart choices. Some kids are exposed to counter influences that lead to more freedom, yet only some have whats neccessary to make the right choices in life generally.

Botswana, you need to make finer distinctions about taking responsibility.

Now to the OP:

What you need to know is that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

This life situation can change in a way where things get better than you imagine.

Right now you're a quite confused and intimidated and not at your best, while you are also looking back on a past from a better position and making sense of it.

Whats important right now is that you keep going in the right direction... and living more healthily. Gradually, by doing this, you'll achieve more inner sanity and also more peace and strength to better deal with what you've been through.

I suspect that in some of your descriptions, when you say "you didn't want to" or they "made you" what you mean is that on the inside, you had a different sense of what was right and good for you, though the whole situation, like being hassled and encouraged and social pressures, led to you going along with some of these things.

Now that you are free of these people, you can look back and see it differently. And your first priority is to further stabilise and reinforce your good position, for yourself.

The first step is to deal with your fear of this guy who is intimidating and harassing you. I know it doesn't seem easy, but it is more achieveable than you think, because the only thing this guy has over you, is you currently fear him.

To liberate yourself more, first you must overcome your fear more. If you weren't afraid, it wouldn't matter as much if he could get through to you on the phone, or find you online, because you would care less.

So first, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being high, rate your level of fear of your ex right now.

Then do this:

1) Visualise your ex wearing a ballerina outfit with a squeeky voice, the size of a chipmonk. Imagine him chasing you and having a tantrum, and then see yourself picking him up by his hair.

When you do this, does it make you laugh?

What would happen if he had frilly knickers on?

Play circus music as you imagine this.

Once you start laughing more, you'll feel better.

Then visualise him doing everything backwards at high speed was you laugh.

2) Next - imagine that you are the toughest lady you know, in person, or even on film, for example, imagine that you are Margaret Thatcher, or Jennifer Garner, or someone you know who is really tough.

Then imagine facing him, realising you are more powerful now, and he's just pathetic.

Then rate your level of fear from 1 to 10.

Please let us know if doing this helps you reduce your level of fear.

BTW, Paul McKennas book "Instant Confidence" is probably helpful for you in this regard, as well as talking to some help lines, and possibly more.

You can win, remember, and to do so, you need to be smart.

Fanny Cradock

I can understand what you are trying to advise, but holy ****, something a little more practical then escaping into a tutu fantasy would be nice.

Nevyn

Fanny Cradock if you dont' have anything constructive of helpful to add to the thread then don't post.

Bottle_of_Smoke

OP - have you spoken to your UNI's therapist? wish i'd taken advantage while it was free! Might help organise your thoughts & take away some of the control he has over you

LegacyUser

Turbot, thanx for your comments. Picturing the ex like that isn't funny for me though, I don't find anything about him funny. Thinking of him at all just makes me feel sick.

I haven't spoken to the uni counsellor yet but I am thinking of it.