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get under someone else to get over another?

  • 19-12-2006 01:45AM
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 574 ✭✭✭


    is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

    i got dumped for the first time (i know, its mental, im 23!) nearly three weeks ago and im gutted. absolutely heartbroken. he's moving away in february, its all very messy. we had a bad couple of weeks and he wasnt into sex as he usually was. anyway, i could go on about the relationship for ages but i want to talk about how to get on with it.

    i have no practise in being broken up with and this horrible lack of control im experiencing.i aleady had his xmas presents bought, we had christmas, new years and everything planned out, we were talking about how we were going to handle him moving away. it was a very secure relationship, and he was the one reassuring me about how secure i could feel in it. it was all very mutual and mature. so it was such a massive shock when he broke up with me.

    he said it wasnt about me, and i believe him, but im finding it very hard to be nice to him now. i am so hurt and broken and sad all the time, its making me angry and bitter and that is not a good way to be.

    i still love him of course, he's a terrific boy and i miss him so much, but i cant let go of all the loss im feeling, and the sense that he took my xmas happiness etc away from me, hence me getting angry and bitter towards him.

    he is not helping things by being quite cold and non cooperative about giving me my things back. we were supposed to meet up a week ago or so but he couldnt make it and it was too soon anyway, but he has made no more requests to meet up since. is it true that boys go logical and cold when they break up with someone. thats the general consensus from my friends anyway.


    oh god im sorry for rambling on, i know there isnt much anyone can say to change anything. we've been friends for 7 years and now i feel like i never want to see him again and i really dislike him at the moment, at the same time as desperately wanting to be back together with him. and id love to kiss someone else soon but i know id just be too desperate for a relationship like what i had before, and would wind up hurting myself more.

    its constant tears and moodiness and confusion at the moment, i just cant clear my head out at all. i suppose im just ranting, but any advice would be lovely. sorry for how terribly this post was written,

    m


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,060 ✭✭✭✭biko


    is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

    No, I don't think so. You'll only end up regretting 2 things.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 598 ✭✭✭arseagon


    is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?
    Not a good idea in my experience, It ends bad.

    he is not helping things by being quite cold and non cooperative about giving me my things back. we were supposed to meet up a week ago or so but he couldnt make it and it was too soon anyway, but he has made no more requests to meet up since. is it true that boys go logical and cold when they break up with someone. thats the general consensus from my friends anyway.
    Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. It's not something you can generalise i mean some women can do it too. Sometimes people need to distance themselves from a broken relationship in order to try get over them.

    oh god im sorry for rambling on, i know there isnt much anyone can say to change anything. we've been friends for 7 years and now i feel like i never want to see him again and i really dislike him at the moment, at the same time as desperately wanting to be back together with him. and id love to kiss someone else soon but i know id just be too desperate for a relationship like what i had before, and would wind up hurting myself more.
    Also it's common to go through phases of loving/hating him. But again in experience it fades.
    its constant tears and moodiness and confusion at the moment, i just cant clear my head out at all. i suppose im just ranting, but any advice would be lovely. sorry for how terribly this post was written,

    m
    I'm sorry to hear about your break up and I do feel for you but give it time. It's a great healer, I know it's probably not what you want to hear right now but it's the truth. If it's over, you will get over him, move on and be happy again. :) Just stay strong.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 279 ✭✭Aoife-FM104


    Having sex with someone else definitely takes your mind off things! In my opinion, and experience, it does work. The key is not to develop a relationship with the other person, but to use the sex as a kind of ego boost/distraction.

    I would only do it if you are finding it difficult to cope. Otherwise, it's probably healthier to spend the few weeks grieving.

    PM me if you want more intimate details!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 400 ✭✭Guess_Who


    In my own very recent experience it didn't work.

    I'm not really into 1 night stands but a couple of months after the break up I had a bit of a rebound fling. Sex with my ex was as much about having fun and a laugh together as it was about the actual sex. So when I slept with my fling it just reminded me of what I miss about my ex. Even though I fancied the guy the friendship part just wasn't there.

    Before I slept with him I loved the few weeks where we were flirting, kissing and texting etc. and it really gave me a boost. So go out and have a bit of a flirt etc but I personally wouldn't reccomend jumping into bed with someone just for the sake of it.

    I know how you feel at the moment and I wouldn'twish it on anyone but it does get better.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 546 ✭✭✭Froot


    In my experience it does work.

    Each to their own. You see the whole world does not move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some.


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  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,769 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?
    No. It's called on the rebound. People often do a lot of foolish things in their attempt to get over someone when on the rebound. Sometimes ends up in another trashed relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

    As others have said, it depends on your frame of mind. You may well feel used even if you are using the encounter for pure gratification as some girls do in these circumstances. Dont pressure yourself into something that doesnt feel 100% right though.
    its constant tears and moodiness and confusion at the moment,

    A breakup is like any grieving. Its a process. You are in step one of five which is the shock stage. Then you'll move into denial which is usually short lived when you are dumped turning quickly to anger. Its usually at the anger stage that its relatively ok to shag someone without fear of doing any emotional damage to yourself. Cant remember the step after denial, then its acceptance when its time to consider relationships again.

    Its a shítter of a time to be in your situation. If your going to consider shagging someone make sure there are no emotional complications. They're the least thing you need at the moment.

    Hugs.

    K-


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 403 ✭✭dvega


    I did it only recently after my gf and i split, ifelt real sleezy and guilty(even though the relationship was over).I have not done it since,i want to give myself time to get over it.It might even take 5-6 months.If you feel it takes more so be it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,389 ✭✭✭✭Saruman


    It works.. for that one night or however long you are with them.. maybe only an hour :D Anyway after that you will regret it.. though it probably will release your tension... as others have said.. do NOT get attached in any way and make it clear its a booty call :D

    Of course dont listen to me.. i have had 2 real relationships in my life and one of them is now (married :D) so im no expert. I did however do what you are thinking about to get over the last one.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,956 ✭✭✭layke


    No. It's called on the rebound. People often do a lot of foolish things in their attempt to get over someone when on the rebound. Sometimes ends up in another trashed relationship.

    Worn that t-shirt, and I only ended up breaking another girls heart while making myself feel worse.

    Avoid it.

    On the other hand i'm a sucker for a story full of filth.
    /me PM's Aoife.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 385 ✭✭MonkeyWrench


    Kell wrote:
    A breakup is like any grieving. Its a process. You are in step one of five which is the shock stage. Then you'll move into denial which is usually short lived when you are dumped turning quickly to anger. Its usually at the anger stage that its relatively ok to shag someone without fear of doing any emotional damage to yourself. Cant remember the step after denial, then its acceptance when its time to consider relationships again.

    I think the stages of loss are defined a bit differently by some but in general they are
    1) Denial
    2) Anger
    3) Bargaining
    4) Depression
    5) Acceptance

    From my experience any short term fix (like having a fling etc) is only going to take you out of one of these stages temporarily and then the loop will begin again, maybe not in that particular order. So i'd say just give yourself time to get over it. its really the only safe road you can take...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,187 ✭✭✭Mrs_Doyle


    When I split with my first boyfriend, even though I wanted to split with him, I found it hard, and I quickly focused my attention on other boys. In the few months that followed the split I had 3 mini relationships, as in I dated 3 boys, for about 3 or 4 weeks a piece, and I was mad about each one, right up until I met the next one. It was all incredibly fickle.
    Bit weird, I know, I was obviously just looking for something to occupy the part of my life that he used to occupy.
    It worked for me though.
    When I broke up with my 2nd boyfriend I decided to throw myself into my studies, and career, and on the very day that we split I rang one of my tutors and asked him to meet with me. He did, and we discussed all of my options, and he put me forward for several career opportunities, which benefited me greatly.
    I decided to get pro-active with my time the second time around, and focus my energies on something more positive then obsessing about random boys.

    Whatever route you decide to take, I do understand, and believe that some sort of time consuming distraction can be hugely beneficial in the months that follow a break up, but maybe try to spend your time wisely by doing something that could benefit your life.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    PM me if you want more intimate details!!

    Aoife, at the age of 23 and having had at least two relationships i imagine the girl knows how to get laid.

    OP, generally speaking the desire to sleep with someone else after a breakup is just a nice little buffer to real feelings.

    You got dumped so you feel bad, you feel like maybe you were not good enough, some people can ever feel ugly and unattractive so sleeping with someone else can temporarily calm those feelings.

    All in all though, it's not really worth it. Better to just make the adjustment, the fact that he broke up with you does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means it didn't work out.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    The truth is those feelings aren't going to disappear because you have ex with someone else. one of the reasons we go for the rebound-**** is because sex (whether we want to believe it or not) is about emotional connection. For different people the connection is moe or less emotional, and generally it's FAR MORE emotional for women than guys. Point it have sex with a randomer isn't going to make your pain go away, you'll probably feel elated for a little bit and in all likelihood you'll feel like utter garbage after a while.

    My advice is not constructive but totally honest. if you want to chance getting under someone else then go for it, don't be worrying about whether it's the best course or not or what will people say or that, just go for it, but be prepared to feel like garbage for a while longer.

    Sorry, that's just how it is. It takes yonks to get over someone you've been that close to, and all you can really do is keep your shoulder into it, and in time all the anger and bitterness will fade.

    P.S. YOU could be the exception that proves the rule here, so I'm not saing to avoid the rebound sex, just pointing out the downside.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 146 ✭✭TheminxIRL


    No this is a terrible idea, your heart and soul are not in it and all you are doing is using another person to try avoid the emotions you have to go through anyways.

    Stop and think about the hurt you could inflict on an innocent third party if they were to find out you were using them purely to get over somebody else.

    It is hard to deal with, been through it myself over the past five months but whilst my initial reaction was to find someone else, now im glad I didnt, I had some "me" time and I have not hurt anyone else.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    Yeah, it's definitely only a short term solution, albeit a highly attractive one in times of weakness and/or drunkeness but I don't think it shows you or indeed your former relationship the respect it obviously deserves if there was that level of emotion involved.

    Break-ups when they happen without external influences feel, somewhat perversely, as bad at your lowest times as your relationship was good at it's best times and i totally understand the urge to stamp out those confusing feelings by masking them with something else, be it physical or otherwise but unfortunately we can't fool ourselves as well as we can others and those feelings will still be there beneath the surface.

    Just take your time.

    Aura.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 130 ✭✭akw_old


    yes. pm me! ha.

    seriously, i broke up with someone in the summer. had a fling a while after, it did help, got my confidence back and felt better after. but i'm a bloke, dont know how a girl would feel about it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 574 ✭✭✭Silent Grape


    thanks so much for all the replies, a surprising amount of them, i really appreciate it.

    we had a terrible texting argument last night about me getting my books back. i tried calling him as i hate texting but he couldnt answer.

    he was asking me what the huge rush was on getting the books back. you see i had assumed he had dropped them up to my mums house already and when they wernt there when i came home a couple of nights ago i asked for them again. i told him i wanted them back asap as i want a clean break and dont want him having anything of mine that means a lot to me. he hasnt so much as asked me how i am since we broke up, but expects me to listen to him moan about his ****ty job to me as an excuse for not giving me back my things.

    after i texted him saying i needed a clean break, instead of trying to understand, as i have done for him so many times, he rubbed in my face the fact that a few weeks ago he lent me 50 quid to buy food in tesco. he knows about my incredibly difficult financial siuation, the fact im in a 9am -9pm college and have to work on top of it. it was a really sweet tender gesture and its not like i went off and bought clothes or anything. he even came with me to tesco to buy my shopping.

    he said if i really wanted a clean break i could keep the money i owed him (i didnt think i owed it to him in the first place, i thought it was a one off gift) and buy new books with it.

    he was so harsh. so, today i am dropping the 50 quid through his letterbox. more than anything i dont want to be blamed for not being fair.

    a few weeks ago we were having such a loving, fun filled time, and now on christmas day i can already imagine myself tormenting myself with images of what it was supposed to be like.

    gutted. argh. sorry for all the ranting again, and thankyou all so much for your help, especially the people who spoke of it like a grieving process, it really is like that, and i never knew it till now


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    like a grieving process, it really is like that, and i never knew it till now

    Not a lot of people do. It does help to lend some perspective to how you are feeling at particular times so you know why you are feeling certain things and that its ok to feel that way.

    K-


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,001 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    If he's being bitchy like this to you after he's gotten away from the relationship then he emotionally disconnected from you months ago, maybe longer. I hate to say it but if he isn't going away to February and he still decided to end it during the party season then he has his eye on at least one other person. It's a right pisser and I sympathise.

    Catch up with mates. Don't worry about boys for a while. If you get a random kiss or two over the next few weeks then great, but don't go looking for it, you're worth more than that going by your opening post.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 17,115 ✭✭✭✭Nalz


    gutted. argh. sorry for all the ranting again, and thankyou all so much for your help, especially the people who spoke of it like a grieving process, it really is like that, and i never knew it till now

    its worse then that at occasions, cas the person you are grievin is dead to only you in a way. If you know what I mean. Time is the only healer me thinks


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    MojoMaker wrote:
    If he's being bitchy like this to you after he's gotten away from the relationship then he emotionally disconnected from you months ago, maybe longer. I hate to say it but if he isn't going away to February and he still decided to end it during the party season then he has his eye on at least one other person. It's a right pisser and I sympathise.
    QUOTE]


    Jeez that's pretty harsh and I really hope not true!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 837 ✭✭✭Beetlebum


    Surround yourself with friends and people who love you. Drink your favourite wine, eat chocolate and be kind to yourself. When my bf broke up with me it was the first time anybody had ever broken up with me. I didn't know how to deal with all the conflicting emotinos...love, hate, desire for another guy, anger at all men...the list goes on. I found it so hard to accept the fact that it was over and I acted abit crazy. I sent him a few desperate emails and he wouldn't even respond. I had a few one night stands and felt empty and cheap afterwards. I drank almost every night and sent him upset and angry text messages. It's fair to say that it was rough!

    However, six months down the line and I'm brand new. I'm not sure how I got over it in the end, I think it was simply time that healed my wounds. It's a horrible thing to go through and you sound like such a lovely girl. Gather up all your strenght and keep your head high. I made a conscience decision to stop contacting my ex aswell. It was hard at times but I forced myself not to do it. On nights out I'd leave my phone at home in case I got tempted and in work if I wanted to email him I'd go down a nd make coffee instead or called one of my friends.

    It's so typical aswell, once I stopped all contact with him he's the one who then started calling me. He even asked me to get back with him a few weeks ago and I point blank refused. You will get over this Silent Grape but it's going to take time.

    Take good care of yourself


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 574 ✭✭✭Silent Grape


    thanks everyone.

    thanks beetlebum, now that is a lot of ****e to have to deal with :)
    i dropped the money through his letterbox this morning, and he can make of it what he wants. i might try lightening up when it comes to relationships. i tend to just have sex with someone just for the sex, or kind of get attached for a couple of weeks then get bored, or fall completely headlong in love in a long term relationship (which is what i'd been wanting for a long time)

    i take a long time to trust someone im seeing, i havent met anyone i wanted to go out with for over two years, until friendship turned to something else with my ex last april. he let me down and hurt me badly in the summer. he explained everything and its justifiable, but i took him back, and now i feel so stupid for trusting someone so seemingly surefooted and confident and strong who had previously let me down badly.

    anyway, i take relationships very seriously, as you should i think, if im in it, im in it with everything i have, and i think he was always going to hold back a little emotionally due to him leaving in feb.

    back in april/may, i made a promise to myself to stop sleeping with people too early, and wait till they proove their trust and worth. i had had a years worth of sex too early and then the boy in question would leave or lose interest or just completlely feck off. im no slut, but this weakness was getting me nowhere and i remained constantly hurting. so when things started to happen with my ex i was delighted, because he's a relationship kind of person, and a very solid person, or so i thought.

    anway, it wasnt a long relationship but i was in love for the first time in three years, i put all i had into it. he said it was nothing i did or said, nothing to do with me, but he had to break up because of all the life decisions he was making (whether or not to go to australia etc) and seemingly i was in the way of the decision making. fair enough. but why this cruel callousness now?

    this is what i cannot get over.

    argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 17,115 ✭✭✭✭Nalz


    argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!

    Its over ratted Silent Grape, I found the best thing that came out of my crappy situation is that I became a lads lad again. Got to see all the matches, went out for pints again and just enjoyed bein single. Still am, not too pushed on the whole lookin for women scene...jus havin a laugh!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!

    You dont. Trust me. I am sure you are pretty and lots of people probably want you too.

    K-

    Merry Christmas.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    If it happens, it happens and enjoy it but don't expect it to make everything else go away.


  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 18,973 Mod ✭✭✭✭Kimbot


    Clean break is best!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,395 ✭✭✭Drift


    argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!

    Be careful though because if its just some randomer you may feel used and slutty instead of pretty and wanted. That being said, if you find someone nice, then why not!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?
    Works for some people and not for others.


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