The Marts Springer Show

The Bollox

hello and welcome to this, the first episode of the Marts Springer show. This is where disgruntled people come to iron out their differences. For legal reasons it should be noted this show has no basis, or affiliation with the Gerry Springer show... anyway, on with the show applause

Sofaspud

Marts, my mom says I'm the coolest kid in school, but nobody else believes me.

How should I kill them all?

Kojak

What's the title of today's show, Marts?

Is it "Sizzling Lesbian Sex Scandals" or "Springer saves 70 million tonne man"

The Bollox

well, Sofaspud, firstly you need to talk it over with them all. AND HERE THEY ARE! COME IN EVERYBODY! *takes safe seat and grabs box of popcorn*

do the audience have any questions?

Sofaspud

Firstly, I'd like to ask an open question to the audience.

Why do you all taunt me so?

Lust4Life

Ooh! I have a question! I have a question!
How can a saucy show like this have such a sexy host?:D

The Bollox

good question, I like her [calls rep] yeah Dave, it's Marts, we need this chick as our co-host... yeah get back to me asap on that[/call rep]

[to Sofaspud] just throw a damn chair at someone! [/to Sofaspud]

Lust4Life

Oh, wait! I have another question. Sofaspud, is that an accordion case beside your chair? Are you trying to tell this audience you are cool while in fact you may be the Ameature Accordion Contest winner of 2003, 2005 and 2006 at St. Alphonzo's Church Charity Bake-Off Jamboree?


[Audience Ghasps in Horror!]

Sofaspud

Lust4Life wrote:

Oh, wait! I have another question. Sofaspud, is that an accordion case beside your chair? Are you trying to tell this audience you are cool while in fact you may be the Ameature Accordion Contest winner of 2003, 2005 and 2006 at St. Alphonzo's Church Charity Bake-Off Jamboree?


[Audience Ghasps in Horror!]

Hey! Accordian is the coolest instrument in the world. It requires a lot of stamina, with all of the button pushing and heaving!

I mean, can you honestly tell me you wouldn't like to sex this guy right up?

*throws chair at lusty*

The Bollox

*ratings go up from 0 to 2* noooow we're getting somewhere. (to Sofa) Lusty said you have no penis btw. (to Lusty) Sofa said your face looks like someone tried put out a forest fire with a screw driver

Sofaspud

Marts wrote:

Lusty said you have no penis btw.

Hey! That's a medical condition, and it's not having the penis that counts, it's how you use it.

Ruu_Old

*throws*

The Bollox

hey hey, leave Cousin It out of it!

The Bollox

I'd just like to inform you that our rating have sky-rocketed to 5!

applause

Sofaspud

Marts wrote:

hey hey, leave Cousin It out of it!

Man's got no penis, he's gotta improvise.

The Bollox

what baffles me is how you fit him between your legs, you must take lessons from Lusty HAI-OO!

oh and I hired a bouncer for when it gets too rough, and here he is:

Sofaspud

Marts wrote:

oh and I hired a bouncer for when it gets too rough, and here he is:

Well it's about time for me to get ROWDAY!

Lust4Life

/Hanging head in shame....


Okay, Sofa Spud. You caught me. I'll admit it! I too own an accordion!
And I'll go even further and admit I am the Love Child of Judy Tenuta and Brad Pitt.


You see, long before Angelina..... Long before Jennifer... there was Judy. Oh it was horrible. Brad was young and hawt. Judy was... about my age.... oh, she had her way with him... in the restroom of a filthy Petrol Station. Oh, how can I ever rise above such humble beginnings?

/sobs and runs off stage.

The Bollox

oh I am SO in there *runs after Lusty*

I'm going to leave Optimus Primus in charge

Lust4Life

Oh, and one more thing. Accordion Tape is awesome in the boudoir! Hee hee!

/Tapes Up Marts in his dressing room.

The Bollox

niceeee

Sparky

<

---

My Mother sucked my brothers cellphone while I made some ice cream

---

>


Yo' muthaf*uckar....I sawh yo doin' it.

/gets up out of chair

randylonghorn

Sparky-s wrote:

<

---

My Mother sucked my brothers **** while I made some **** cream

---

>


Yo' muthaf*uckar....I sawh yo doin' it.

/gets up out of chair

/shouts from audience

I know just where you're coming from, bud ... my mother always preferred my brother, too!

Lust4Life

Allright, Dammit! Why are my accordion keys all sticky?

Sofaspud! I know you borrowed it! Are you sure you know the correct way to PLAY the accordion?

The Bollox

yeah Sofaspud, why would you do a thing like that... :rolleyes:

aaaaanyway lets get on with the show, the topic today is "the damn toilet seat is meant to be up, not down, b*tch!" who is going to be our first speaker?

Sparky

his name is spider....

Star Lord

Hi Marts, I'd just like to say, big fan of the show.

Now what I've come here today to reveal, is that I've been seeing my mothers brothers illigitimate daughters friends aquaintance behind my hot tempered trailer trash daughter-of-incestious-parents girlfriends back.

But my problem is that I have a fetish none of them know about. I sneak out every night to go swim naked in a swimming pool full of porridge, and they just don't understand me.

Kojak

*Bouncer jumps in to stop fighting*

The Bollox

well, Damo, your fetish is very interesting. Infact here's my card, call me.
As for the whole affair behind your girlfriends back, don't worry about that, we've all done her

Star Lord

/me throws chair at sluttish girlfriends single remaining crooked tooth...

Woot! Go Marts! Go Marts!

/me dives into paddling pool full of porridge that the bouncers wheeled out

Hail 2 Da Chimp

//Me gives the audience a golden shower!

Ruu_Old

*enter Uncle Jimbob*:eek:

Sparky

OMG mah. Iem on teee veee

The Bollox

uh oh, Damo look out, here comes your gf's other lover:

Cousin Earl

Sofaspud

Lust4Life wrote:

Allright, Dammit! Why are my accordion keys all sticky?

Sofaspud! I know you borrowed it! Are you sure you know the correct way to PLAY the accordion?

It's a gimmick, damnit! A GIMMICK!

Sparky

Sleepin' with tino o_O

Star Lord

Damnit Cousin Earl, I thought I done told ya, ya gotta stay down in that there gimp cellar that I done built for ya!

Lust4Life

Oh, PLEASE tell me that Tino isn't a bed wetter from way back.

amp

/dna test

HA! I'M NOT THE FATHER! IN URE FACE!

Star Lord

Thats what we've come here to tell you Amp, your father is the father!!! :eek:

Hail 2 Da Chimp

wwwhhhooooooooo

//Looks shocked

:eek:

Lust4Life

Oh, do I feel a Dance-Off competition coming on?

Amp vs Tino? The prize being the rights to say "Who's Yer Daddy?"


/crowd goes wild with cheers.
Cue Lionel Richie's Brick House!!!!!!!!! chick-a-gow-chick-a-gow-now!

Sparky

<o/
\o>
\o/
/o\

The Bollox

*gasp* I'm back *pant* from Iron Maiden *phew* now on with the show, who are the slack-jaw'd jokels we are dealing with tonight, Lusty?

Lust4Life

Amp and some Tino guy are having a Dance-Off, Marts!
Should they be wearing Assless Pants or Crotchless Pants?

Where's your Wardrobe Coordinator for the show?

The Bollox

are you suggesting I don't have dress sense? *reaches for the firing stick* I suggest we get some cheerleaders in, after all, sex sells

Lust4Life

Cheerleaders.
Aren't most of your viewers bored housewives?

The Bollox

yeah... but most of them more than likely are deep in the closet and would like nothing more that to see a group of late teens in skimpy outfits dancing around, I know I would. So get me some cheerleaders

Lust4Life

Oh, all right! These ones just happened to be in the back lot here at Paramount:

The Bollox

but... they're women!

but... they're hot!

niceeee

however seeing as they is a surplus of them, I shall have to take individual interviews with them all... to see who fits the bill. So for now Lusty, take over

Sofaspud

Lusty, we still haven't progressed on my accordion related issues! ADMIT THAT THEY'RE COOL, DAMNIT!