Don't want to go home this Christmas

LegacyUser

I don't really like being around my parents. When I was growing up, my father was very violent. I could take the beatings, but the fear of him hitting me over "spilt milk" was horrible. From a young age I knew what he was doing was wrong. My mother did very little to stop him.

He used to do quite a lot of psychological torture too, things like leaving newspaper clippings about rape on my bed. (Really weird, I know.)

Never once did my parents go to a teacher/parent meeting, never once did they really show any interest in my life.

My bedroom was so cold my hands got damaged.

I could go on.

I am definitely a little bit damaged because of my upbringing, but my awareness of their behavior being wrong (from a very young age) has saved me from being too bad. I'm able to have normal healthy relationships with people and I'm not violent.

I once confronted my father about his abuse, and he told me I was making it up. This was extremely upsetting for me, as it took a huge amount of courage and effort to attempt forgiveness. Because I know he has blocked all his nastiness out, I will never be able to forgive him for this stuff. Without forgiveness, it is too hard to be around him.

My mother is a good person, but she's weak.

I visit my parents maybe once or twice a year, but that's only out of guilt. They get very upset by this, sending me angry texts like "why don't you visit us more?" but because they have blanked everything out it's like I am the problem. They don't realise they have made me like this.

My two brothers are very damaged. I am by far the least screwed up. I accept the pain of what went on, even though it upsets me greatly (actually makes me cry sometimes.) My brothers are living in denial. They are angry people. One of them has a child and is repeating my fathers violent behavior.

For the past few years I've gone abroad for Christmas (to avoid being around them) but this year I'll be in Ireland. I really don't want to spend Christmas with my parents.

I know it would upset them if I don't "go home" this year, but I don't think I will. It would be fake. And I feel they've pushed me away. Their terrible parenting and inability to accept responsibility means I cannot be around them.

I guess my question is, do any of you understand how I feel?

Do I have a right to not spend Christmas with my parents?

Am I being a bad person by staying away?

I know long term I need to forgive them. I don't want to carry this pain. But without them accepting what they did, I don't know what I can do.

Thanks for reading.

Victor

I guess my question is, do any of you understand how I feel?

I think many people will, for their own reasons. You have no obligation to partake in, facilitate or condone abuse, past or present.

Do I have a right to not spend Christmas with my parents?

Yes, its OK, don't go. For quite different reasons (bereavement and its consequences) I've spent about 3 of the last 6 Christmas days alone, and another 2 at my sister's house.

Am I being a bad person by staying away?

No, you are not being a bad person by staying away.

I know long term I need to forgive them.

That needn't happen between now and Christmas.

I visit my parents maybe once or twice a year, but that's only out of guilt. They get very upset by this, sending me angry texts like "why don't you visit us more?" but because they have blanked everything out it's like I am the problem.

How often do they visit you?

Do you have someone else that you could spend Christmas with? If not, just grab a bunch of DVDs and games, stock up the fridge and have the best duvet day ever.

pbsuxok1znja4r

TBH it sounds like you'd be well within your right to never speak to your parents again, or your father at least. That's really incredible, even from just the few brief mentions of what went on during your childhood. I also hope you wouldn't stand idley by if you know the same thing is happening to your nephew/niece, btw.

Like I said, I personally think you're well within your rights to disown any parents that would do that and then refuse to acknowledge or apologise for any of it. Try not to worry yourself about it.

Black Swan

Spend the holidays with people you enjoy. Don't feel obligated to go home if that's uncomfortable.

carryboy

Your reasons are valid. Do it the most comfortable way and set aside the thoughts that bother you so you could enjoy. Have fun without worries!:cool:

Hagar

Don't go home for Christmas. Do try to help your brothers particularly the one with the kids.

Lust4Life

I think the best way you could spend your Christmas would be by doing something positive. Maybe helping others. Maybe help out A Soup kitchen at a shelter or something like that maybe?

It will help you minimise your own troubles and feel good about helping others.

If home is such a bad place, then by all means do not go. And do not feel guilty.

You say your mother is a good person. However, she did close her eyes to the abuse. Most mothers would choose the child's safety and well-being over having a man around.


I wish you the best!

Killaqueen!!!

Wow - I'm sorry to hear about that upringing but I admire how tough you were to come out the other end unscathed (well, you must have emotional scars but you seem to have dealt with it well).

You do not have to spend Christmas with your parents - or visit them in any way. You owe them nothing whatsoever. If you have a girl to spend Christmas with, I suggest you do that. Or go to a party, or to a friends house..

What I do think you should do (which you proabably have done) is try to get your family together and talk to them. Talk to your mother; ask her why didn't she stop this. I know it is your father in the wrong here, and that you could spend Christmas with your mother, but she is also to blame for not stopping your father (though I know that would be very hard to do in her position). Talk to your brothers about it. You say one of them is repeating your fathers violence. Is he beating his son? In this case (though it may not be your place) I would definitely try and stop this. That young boy is in the same place as you were a few years ago. He may come out even worse than your brothers. Lastly, talk to your father. If he refuses to accept (and repent) for what he is done, leave him. You deserve better than to spend Christmas with a man like this.

That is my advice, you can take it or leave it.

Sangre

Obviously you really need your father to admit his abusive past and you need him to apologise so you can't put it behind you. This is clearly eating you up.

Tell them maybe you won't be coming home again until you father admits what he did you to and apologises?

There is no way you should be guilted into going home only to relive past horrors and nightmares. People are supposed to be happy at xmas, so take at least this year out and go to your friends.

K_P

As you said yourself, you all need to face up to what happened when you were a child. It sounds like you're willing to do that, but how can they expect you to come home and play happy families while they go on denying everything.

Spend Christmas exactly the way you want to. Obviously where families are concerned, that's easier said than done but they're the ones in the wrong here. Good luck with it.

Victor

Killaqueen!!! wrote:

You say one of them is repeating your fathers violence. Is he beating his son? In this case (though it may not be your place) I would definitely try and stop this. That young boy is in the same place as you were a few years ago.

Child abuse is not acceptable. It is everyone's responsibility to deal with it.

Ickle Magoo

TheSantaClause wrote:

I guess my question is, do any of you understand how I feel?

I think a lot of people to a lesser or greater extent will understand exactly how you feel.

TheSantaClause wrote:

Do I have a right to not spend Christmas with my parents?

Of course you have the right not to. When you were a small child you had no option but to learn to live with the abuse, the bullying & the fear. This is no longer the case. If you think you are in anyway at risk of emotional or physical harm then I would urge you to stay away infact.

TheSantaClause wrote:

Am I being a bad person by staying away?

Instead of looking at your own behaviour now & judging yourself so harshly, why not look at things a slightly different way. Would you want to go home if you had never been beaten? Would you look forward to seeing your parents if they had been loving and supportive & protected you from fear & violence? Would you want to spend more time with them if they had gotten the help the so obviously need instead of brushing the abuse & violence under the carpet? If the answer is yes to these questions then I would suggest there is a very good reason why you don't want to spend time with your parents - and it was entirely their own doing. Instead of blaming yourself (I suspect you have been trained to think that way), lay the blame at the feet of those who deserve to carry it.

TheSantaClause wrote:

I know long term I need to forgive them. I don't want to carry this pain. But without them accepting what they did, I don't know what I can do.

You cannot change how they treat you or if they choose to acknowledge your past. I would strongly recommend you get professional help for yourself, regardless. You sound very well balanced & that's wonderful bearing in mind the horrific domestic situation you have had to live with. Talking things over with a professional will help you come to terms with your own feelings, as well as helping you come to terms with your parents denial & your siblings behaviour. It may give you a better insight of how to deal with your family in the future - if, indeed, you want to deal with them at all.

Best of luck xxxx

Bottle_of_Smoke

Agree with the responses you've got.

However just wondering have you ever confronted your mother alone about what happend. Perhaps your father actually has blocked everything out because he feels guilty, your mum probably hasn't & if confronted might apologise to you. She's more than likely gone through much worse than you(Not at all trying to diminish the horrendousness of what happened to you but if she's covering for him she must be petrified herself)

Ask her if she thinks your father's behaviour was what screwed up your brothers? unless she's oblivious to that of course.

People put too much value into the family. You don't need to feel guilty after being treated so badly.

StandnDeliver

its your life do what makes you happy.
i have cut my family out of life that cause me pain,anguish and all the guilt that goes along with doing so fades.
You can choose your mates but not your family. that phrase is untrue to a point as i choose the family members i wanted out of a bad lot, if a friend is abusive you go seperate ways,why not your family???
No point in prolonging the torment!
I feel so much better with my decision,Why cant you?

The people you called parents OP arent proper parents because no one would subject there kids to the heartache that you and your brothers have been through.
I say choose life,choose your life and live it how you deserve and want!!!

LegacyUser

'Yeah, I can understand your feelings OP. I don't even have any particularly traumatic experiences to justify not wanting to go home for Christmas. I just don't like my family...'

Beruthiel

TheSantaClause wrote:

One of them has a child and is repeating my fathers violent behavior.

That needs to be nipped in the bud. Can you talk to him at all and see if he can get professional help.

I know it would upset them if I don't "go home" this year

Too bad in fairness. In this life you reap what you sow. If they cannot understand your reasons that is not your problem at all.
I get on ok with my parents, these days they are not the worst, but I still wouldn't spend christmas with them and haven't done so for a long, long time. They are difficult to spend more than a few hours with, so I will go down on the 27th and stay the night. This way I can actually enjoy my christmas and still see them.
You could do something like that, or if you didn't want to spend the night, go in the morning and leave in the evening. If they whinge, point out to them this is exactly the reason why you are put off going down. They need to learn to be grateful that you show your face at all.
Considering what you put up with as a kid, there are many of us reading your thread who wouldn't bother their arse going anywhere near them, I'm one of them.

I guess my question is, do any of you understand how I feel?

absolutely

Do I have a right to not spend Christmas with my parents?

They say you can choose your friends but never your family. You maybe tied to them by blood, but you have every right to spend your Christmas in a happy environment, it's their problem that they did not and cannot provide that for you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Am I being a bad person by staying away?

No
You are a person who is putting yourself first, and why shouldn't you, you deserve it.

I know long term I need to forgive them. I don't want to carry this pain. But without them accepting what they did, I don't know what I can do.

Not a lot, but you could get yourself some professional help and talk it through in the hope some acceptance comes from it.

Best of luck.
And Happy Christmas!

StupidLikeAFox

Sangre wrote:

Obviously you really need your father to admit his abusive past and you need him to apologise so you can't put it behind you. This is clearly eating you up.

Tell them maybe you won't be coming home again until you father admits what he did you to and apologises?

There is no way you should be guilted into going home only to relive past horrors and nightmares. People are supposed to be happy at xmas, so take at least this year out and go to your friends.

Id put this in a really long, calm and detailed letter to them, it will give them time to digest it and would have more of an effect

Beruthiel

ColHol wrote:

Id put this in a really long, calm and detailed letter to them, it will give them time to digest it and would have more of an effect

Totally agree with this idea.

deisemum

ColHol wrote:

Id put this in a really long, calm and detailed letter to them, it will give them time to digest it and would have more of an effect

I was going to suggest writing a letter. I've done this in the past. The good thing about writing a letter is that you can take your time organising your thoughts and rewrite it until you are satisfied with the contents. Rules out saying something in the heat of the moment.

Also it's harder for your parents to ignore a letter, at the very least curiosity will get the better of them and they'll read it. By writing a letter what you say is there in black and white so they cannot try twisting what is written in the same was as if you had a conversation.

I haven't had any contact with my cruel mother since my Dad died 3.5 years ago. I never really had a good relationship with her. I don't even miss her and that's the god honest truth. I've my own family now and I'm a completely different type of mum to my mother. My children know they are loved to bits and they have a very happy home.

Don't be thinking every other family have a great family christmas. Last week a study revealed that a third of home have rows over christmas. A lot of the rest possibly grit their teeth and are glad when it's over. Some of my best christmas's were with my friends. Much better than playing happy families

LegacyUser

TheSantaClause wrote: »

I don't really like being around my parents. When I was growing up, my father was very violent. I could take the beatings, but the fear of him hitting me over "spilt milk" was horrible. From a young age I knew what he was doing was wrong. My mother did very little to stop him.

He used to do quite a lot of psychological torture too, things like leaving newspaper clippings about rape on my bed. (Really weird, I know.)

Never once did my parents go to a teacher/parent meeting, never once did they really show any interest in my life.

My bedroom was so cold my hands got damaged.

I could go on.

I am definitely a little bit damaged because of my upbringing, but my awareness of their behavior being wrong (from a very young age) has saved me from being too bad. I'm able to have normal healthy relationships with people and I'm not violent.

I once confronted my father about his abuse, and he told me I was making it up. This was extremely upsetting for me, as it took a huge amount of courage and effort to attempt forgiveness. Because I know he has blocked all his nastiness out, I will never be able to forgive him for this stuff. Without forgiveness, it is too hard to be around him.

My mother is a good person, but she's weak.

I visit my parents maybe once or twice a year, but that's only out of guilt. They get very upset by this, sending me angry texts like "why don't you visit us more?" but because they have blanked everything out it's like I am the problem. They don't realise they have made me like this.

My two brothers are very damaged. I am by far the least screwed up. I accept the pain of what went on, even though it upsets me greatly (actually makes me cry sometimes.) My brothers are living in denial. They are angry people. One of them has a child and is repeating my fathers violent behavior.

For the past few years I've gone abroad for Christmas (to avoid being around them) but this year I'll be in Ireland. I really don't want to spend Christmas with my parents.

I know it would upset them if I don't "go home" this year, but I don't think I will. It would be fake. And I feel they've pushed me away. Their terrible parenting and inability to accept responsibility means I cannot be around them.

I guess my question is, do any of you understand how I feel?

Do I have a right to not spend Christmas with my parents?

Am I being a bad person by staying away?

I know long term I need to forgive them. I don't want to carry this pain. But without them accepting what they did, I don't know what I can do.

Thanks for reading.

wow. I'm exactly the same way, except my dad isn't physically abusive. my dad gets angry a lot and my mom is also weak and doesn't do anything, unless of course she's yelling too. i FEAR going home for a month straight. i don't live near my friends and i don't have a car, so i'm stuck.

during the summers I go abroad just to get away because there is no way on earth i can stay for 4 months around them without going insane. it's a really awful feeling, and i'm sorry you have to experience it too.

Beruthiel

TheSantaClause wrote: »

Do I have a right to not spend Christmas with my parents?

I'm a parent. If I treated my daughter even half as badly as yours have, I would not be at all surprised if I never saw her again.
No parent who treats their child that badly deserves any kind of consideration.
So, ya, damn right you deserve to spend Christmas any way you want to.

Am I being a bad person by staying away?

Not at all. In fact, I do wonder how you can still hold on to such guilt considering how they have treated you. Let that guilt go. Consider yourself first.
Remember this, a good parent is someone you are happy to spend time with. If they had treated you right, you'd be happy to spend time in their company.
As it is, you reap what you sew in this life.

You have a great Christmas, doing what ever you feel like, and not for one second must you have a twinge of regret.
That's an order!

Ickle Magoo

I'm hoping that in the four years since the OP posted this thread that they will have over-come their issues - and so I'm locking the thread.

regalitofatal, feel free to post a new thread outlining your own issues if you wish.