Please help me, I'm running out of time

LegacyUser

If anyone has any advise I would be very grateful.

My girlfriend of 5 years has just told me she does not want to be with me any more. Furthermore, she has said she does not want to give me another try its over.

Her reasons are fair enough, she said I took her for granted and did not show her enough respect or attention. Instead spending all my time with my friends.

She would do the nicest things for me, including looking after me while I was in hospital, and what did I do when I got out?? I went away for a weekend with my friends instead of inviting her to go somewhere.

I went away last year for 1 month and this broke her heart. We were just getting things back on track this year and we were due to go on a holiday to Poland. She fell a bit ill and was advised by doctor not to go the day before we were due to fly out. What did I do??? I went with my friend instead.

The thing that makes this harder is that she has started to confide in a guy she knew from work over the phone and I believe this is the reason she will not give me another try. I accept she does not want to try for obvious reasons but I also believe he is making her hesitant.

I sent her a bunch of roses to her job today but now I am afraid this will tick her off even more.

I really would like if she would give me one more try but I feel I am running out of time and soon she will be past me and it will be too late.

Please help, is there anything nice I can do to prove I can be better for her and make her happy, anything at all???

humanji

Sorry, but you fùcked up and now you lost her. Don't bother trying to get her back, she's made her choice.

Next time try and think about your other half.

Lust4Life

I wish I could be more positive for you, but it sounds to me like she gave you 5 years worth of chances and has reached her end.

Give the girl some space.

You can't change over night. You know that.
Five years is a long time. People grow up in that time span. Needs change. Things that were important 5 years ago may be completely irrelevant today. Give her space to continue growing and you do the same.

I wish I could give you a magic solution, But it looks like things have played out, my friend. Accept it and move forward.

anon1001

There has gotta be something I can. 5 years is a long time

dr.bollocko

I dont think you can phone in a 5 year relationship and then come in in injury time and fix everything. It would take something momentously ingeniously brilliant to get her back. I mean read what you wrote up there, and bare it in mind when you start your next relationship.
Time to finally do the right thing, and just let her be happy.

anon1001

I understand all of that but the thing is we have grown up together, we have been through a huge amount together and I am not willing to just give it all up.
I spoke to her on the phone last night and went out in the car with her for the last 2 nights and I cant help but get the impression she is unsure. She is trying to be as cold as possible towards me to help her get over it. At least thats what I think.
There has got to be something I can do to get one more chance and then at least if it doesnt work out I can say I tried

LegacyUser

'

anon1001 wrote:

but I also believe he is making her hesitant.

He is probably right to do this.

Let her be happy by letting her go without a fight. Remember the lesson you have learned and don't make the same mistake again.'

Red Hand

Let her get on with her life.

anon1001

Jeremiah 16:1 wrote:

Let her get on with her life.

Do people realy just forget about this kind of thing??
Does no one else care about 5 years of your life with the person you love

mickoneill30

In all your description you don't mention the word love once. You seem to be more worried about losing the 5 year investment than losing someone you love. If that's the case I'd say you'd both be better off with a split.

Edit: Ah crap. Now you type that you love her just as I submitted this post

StormWarrior

you don't deserve her back. I had a boyfriend just like you. He would have holidays without me, hang out with his friends every day and just spare one or 2 days a week for me. He didn't care when I complained about it, until I dumped him. Suddenly, it's like "oh I'll change, give me another try!" No way mate. You had your chance and you blew it. I am MUCH happier without him and I'm sure your ex is much happier without you too.

miju

anon1001 wrote:

She is trying to be as cold as possible towards me to help her get over it. At least thats what I think.

dude , she's being cold towards you so you CLEARLY get the message , feel for you and all that but it sounds like after 5 years of chances she's had enough

as other posters have said bear that in mind for your next relationship

miamee

anon1001 wrote:

I understand all of that but the thing is we have grown up together, we have been through a huge amount together and I am not willing to just give it all up.
I spoke to her on the phone last night and went out in the car with her for the last 2 nights and I cant help but get the impression she is unsure. She is trying to be as cold as possible towards me to help her get over it. At least thats what I think.
There has got to be something I can do to get one more chance and then at least if it doesnt work out I can say I tried

Why now? Why haven't you tried over the past year or 5 years??
Of course she is unsure, 5 years is a lot to give up on but it sounds like she has been with you through thick & thin & didn't get much back from you for her efforts (from what you posted, that's how it sounds)
Leave her be, let her stick to this difficult decision she has made. I know its scary to be suddenly single again but to all intents & purposes you've been putting yourself first for a while anyway, it shouldn't be too difficult a transition for you.

anon1001

StormWarrior wrote:

you don't deserve her back. I had a boyfriend just like you. He would have holidays without me, hang out with his friends every day and just spare one or 2 days a week for me. He didn't care when I complained about it, until I dumped him. Suddenly, it's like "oh I'll change, give me another try!" No way mate. You had your chance and you blew it. I am MUCH happier without him and I'm sure your ex is much happier without you too.

I really do appreciate what you just said there but I would really disagree.
I will quote something she said to me the other day: "I used to absolutely adore you, you were my whole world but you just wasted it all"

Does that sound like someone who is absolutely sure about their decision.
I know why she is angry with me ruight now and would rather not say but I also appreciate she is sick of the way I carried on.
I know if she gives me the one more try I would make it the best decision of her life.
I owe here more than just laying down and giving it all up, I will fight for this.
She has done so much for me and I really have realised I owe her so much more:(

b3t4

Right, stop being so selfish.

This girl gives you 5yrs, upteen chances and when she gets up the courage to finally break up with you, you appear more concerned about yourself than her. I believe that this girl deserves a lot better.

If you love her so much respect her decision and let her move on with her life.

You made your mistakes, learn from them and move on with your life.

A.

LegacyUser

'Exact same thing happened to me about 7 years ago. after a long term relationship .. I just took her for granted and out of the blue (to me) she pull pin and left me high and dry. I did all the usual .. flowers promises etc .. but that drove her futher away (to austrailia to be exact).

After three years apart (not even as much as a phone call) .. we bumped into each other, both that little more mature and I began to understand I much I needed to show how I worshipped the ground she walked on ... became friends and 4 years down the line we are due to get married in the summer.

I guess the message is simple ... after 5 years of a relationship you have messed up (nothing can change that) she now needs to feel appriciated a little bit of 'me time'.

Putting her under pressure will drive her further away, give her the space she wants and deserves'

StormWarrior

anon1001 wrote:

I will quote something she said to me the other day: "I used to absolutely adore you, you were my whole world but you just wasted it all"

Does that sound like someone who is absolutely sure about their decision.

Yes, totally. I used to adore my boyf, he was my whole world. Now I am so glad I dumped him, I feel more happy, free and have more self respect. I'm sure your ex feels just the same. Leave her in peace! She doesn't want you back and if you keep trying to win her back you will only make yourself appear annoying and pathetic.

Miss Fluff

anon1001 wrote:

I really do appreciate what you just said there but I would really disagree.
I will quote something she said to me the other day: "I used to absolutely adore you, you were my whole world but you just wasted it all"

Does that sound like someone who is absolutely sure about their decision.
(

Yes it does quite frankly. Sounds like it may be a case of too little too late sweetheart. If you DO love her, why don't you give her some time and space to make sure it is what she really wants. Suffocating her with grandiose tardy gestures is not going to repair the damage. Leave her be.

Kebab

Totally agree with the other posters - leave her alone, let her get on with her life and stop contacting her. She needs you to stay away from her so she can get on with things without you. You had 5 years. You blew it. People don't change and you're not what she needs. Of course she's upset about finishing something that lasted 5 years - it's a long enough time and you get very used to things being a certain way. But she will get over you (sounds like she's starting to already).

If you care about her at all, let her go.

missmatty

God you're such a tosser, she's well rid. Leave her alone. Five years and not once in that time did you appear to decide to start treating her right. Only now your ego kicks in esp as she's in touch with another guy. If you really loved her it wouldn't have taken you 5 years to cop on and see what a gem you had. She deserves better.

Red Hand

anon1001 wrote:

Do people realy just forget about this kind of thing??
Does no one else care about 5 years of your life with the person you love

Of course not. 5 years together is a long time to be with someone.

But if it isn't working out, why prolong it? If she doesn't want to remain with you, why try and badger her? It may be best to let her move on and find happiness.

You can both still play important parts in each other's lives. But later, after a time, and only as friends.

anon1001

Ok I agree with what you are saying, to leave it be. What I dont appreciate is how I am being called a tosser and pathetic.
I love her so much and it is going to be so difficult for me. I am not sure I did myself justice with the original post. I am by no means a bad person. We had plenty of good times together and helped each other alot. Sure, she helped me out more. She has done so much for me over the years and has always been there, I just feel so shi**y that the whole thing is going to end with such a bad taste in the mouth. I wish I had done more for her but it is starting to look like she may go now. It would be far too difficult for us to be friends as I would definitely say something at some stage and this would prob piss her off.
Is everyone agreed I should stop now and leave it be??

dr.bollocko

Dude if you absolutely and totally are not willing to lie down and just let it be over, there is only one person that can help you figure out a way of getting her back.

Guess what? It's you.

You and only you must know after 5 years with her what it might take to get her back. You can tell her that it will change and that you will change until the cows come home. That sort of talk may well be too little too late, depending on how much she feels for you.
But you owe it to her to either treat her like you are the luckiest guy alive to be with her, or just leave her be to find happiness with someone who will make her happy.
Plenty of relationships are like yours was, and both parties are happy to concentrate on their friends and not spend a lot of time with each other, and these relationships are often long and work very well, but its down to both parties in the rel'nship wanting just that.
Your girl doesnt want this kind of relationship anymore. It doesn't make you a bad person just because you do. Remember, its ok for you to state what you want too.

It sounds to me like you are more afraid of ending the relationship and stepping into the unknown than losing the girl. I know its weird being single again after 5 years, and I know how heart breaking it is when a relationship ends, but there more than likely is someone out there who will be more suited to you both, and just because your relationship is over does not mean that your life is over.
If there is something / anything you CAN do to win her back, you are the only person to know what to do.
But think about it man. You arent a bad person. You just had a relationship that suited your life, and didnt want to sacrifice a lot of time for it. You know that doesnt sound like a "love of your life" type situation.

Now the relationship is over, or might be.... and you have learned many lessons from it. You have had 5 good years with her and thats a lot. But just because it might be over with her doesnt mean its over for you at all. Don't torment yourself with this. If you need to fight on, do so.
But know when its time to walk away.

Beetlebum

It sounds like a classis case of 'don't know what you've got till it's gone'.
I know right now you're full of good intentions and are trying your hardest to win her back but it seems to me that you've lost any credibility. How is your ex supposed to believe you when you say you've changed and you won't take her for granted anymore when it's all you did for 5 fives?!
It's gonna take alot more than an arbitrary gesture like sending flowers to her office to win her back. Best option is to give her space so she has time to figure out if she misses you or wants you back. If she doesn't then tough luck kiddo, better treat the next girl right. Lesson learnt, move on.

Just read Dr. Bollockos advice and he's summed it up nicely....in the words of John Lennon 'There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're supposed to be...'

anon1001

I really dont want to let everything go. I loved every single thing about her, from the simple things like coming home and shes there saying hello. The way all my friends got on great with her to the stupid things like how we used to laugh at stupid things all the time.
I am beginning to think it may be better to just say to her "I will always be here if you need any help or support with anything and I will always be your friend. I respect what you want and if it will make you happy then im ok with that. It will be very hard for me but I understand how hard it has been for you over the years"

But I cant get rid of this feeling that there is one more chance there. I feel so strongly about it I cant shake it.

LegacyUser

'

anon1001 wrote:

But I cant get rid of this feeling that there is one more chance there. I feel so strongly about it I cant shake it.

If there is one more chance there then she will decide it is there - not you. She needs space to make such a decision and not you trying to convince her to take you back. Just remember there may not be one more chance there. For her sake, leave her be.'

dr.bollocko

Only you can feel the heat of your own convictions my man.
To action then!

anon1001

I think the wisest course of action may be to have a brief chat with her tonight on the phone and explain I understand where I stand and that would she at least think about it and let me know over the coming week

anon1001

One of the really hard things to get over is the fact that while this has been going on for about a week now, she has been getting support from some guy.
She seems to talk to him freely about what is going on.
Something that worries me is that she started to confide in him while I was out of the country with my friend and of course I begin to think he may have helped her make this decision. That would be really heartbreaking if it were true.

dr.bollocko

Well if you mention something like that to her its quite likely to make things much worse than they already are. I mean I can understand that you are jealous, and you dont know what is going on with this guy, but she has been straight and honest with you, and she is allowed to have friends council her. What he might be saying and his motivations are something else, but its up to her to make that choice. Just put that **** out of your mind man, there is nothing you can do to change it, and any time spent lingering on it will just make you feel resentful, pissed off, and generally like ****. Because whatever is happening with that guy and your girl is, from her point of view, none of your business.

Santa Claus

anon1001 wrote:

I sent her a bunch of roses to her job today

Right,
A bunch of roses ain't gonna cut it. Try booking a weekend away in a luxury hotel somewhere in Ireland ASAP.
While you're away take the chance to spend time with her and talk and if necessary beg to see if you can get a month or two to convince her by your ACTIONS that you will change...words and promises ain't gonna cut it.

Of course all this depends on whether you actually can be arsed to change and start appreciating her...If not then save her time and yours and don't bother !

Santa Claus

anon1001 wrote:

I think the wisest course of action may be to have a brief chat with her tonight on the phone and explain I understand where I stand and that would she at least think about it and let me know over the coming week

A brief chat ????

I take back what I said in my previous post.....using language like that you obviously can't be too bothered about making an effort to save the relationship, If you were you'd be round where she lives pleading for a second chance !!!!

anon1001

You are giving me mixed messages. Some are saying leave her alone and not be desperate. Some are saying you need to go round and beg her for another chance. The roses by the way were not meant to cut it, they were a gesture to appologise for al the **** shes been through because I fear she may not speak to me again.

I worry if I booked a weekend away that she would say to me, "Do you not get it, im not going anywhere, why are you making this hard on your self"

HelterSkelter

Write a letter to her explaining how you feel and how much you love her. Tell her you now realise how selfish you have been. Tell her you would really like one more chance but it is her decision and you are not going to pressure her. She knows where to find you if she decides to give it another go. A letter is best because spoken words are easily misunderstood and forgotten about.

BTW, forget about the weekend away idea. That is bound to piss her off even more as it is very presumptious of you that she wants to go away with you.

grahamfitness

I beleive each relationship is different in a lot of ways and the way we interact with each person is unique. Don't be put off by what you have read. Some people have been treated badly by their partners and their response is the pain they feel from what their partners have done to their relationship.I know you love her and what she means to you. She does love you still and you only realise now how lucky you were. She is angry now but you have to do what she wants and leave her alone for a while and do all the special things she wants and wanted you to do for her. You have to sacrifice for her. I hope you get your chance and that you take it.

anon1001

grahamfitness wrote:

I beleive each relationship is different in a lot of ways and the way we interact with each person is unique. Don't be put off by what you have read. Some people have been treated badly by their partners and their response is the pain they feel from what their partners have done to their relationship.I know you love her and what she means to you. She does love you still and you only realise now how lucky you were. She is angry now but you have to do what she wants and leave her alone for a while and do all the special things she wants and wanted you to do for her. You have to sacrifice for her. I hope you get your chance and that you take it.

Thanks man and I hope she does give me the chance.
I think helterskelter is right about the whole letter thing. I might even put a photograph into it or would that be too much?

Santa Claus

anon1001 wrote:

I worry if I booked a weekend away that she would say to me, "Do you not get it, im not going anywhere, why are you making this hard on your self"

At least it would show her that you were desperate to win her back.....the worst she can say is no she's not coming along with you, but she may decide to come along and hear what you say.
It sounds like you owe her a few holidays so maybe the gesture of being willing to take her away somewhere nice might touch her.

Remember she never decided not to go away with you, you decided to go away without her !!!!!t


BTW, what age are you if you don't midn me asking as you sound pretty immature ?

grahamfitness

Don't write her a letter show her this post and she will know how you really truly feel becasue you wrote all your messages from your feelings and fro th heart. This shows what you think of her.

C_Breeze

some posts have been the worst advise ever. fight for her goddamit. 5 yrs ??!!!.... dont give up, do whatever you can whatever you have in your power to keep her , show her you care and how much it would affect you if it was to be the end . DONT GIVE UP !!!!!!!!!!!!

grahamfitness

I agree with C Breeze but you cant pester her, you have to love her and show her that she is your world and she is one in around 7 billion. Tell her:

"when you depart from me sorrow abides, and happiness takes his leave"

anon1001

Cbreeze thanks for the support I am hoping somehting will happen tonight if I speak to her. Only thing is, as Graham knows, she has not turned the phone on all day. She is due to get the flowers right about now also and God help me if she freaks.
I would like to book somewhere nice for us to go and just chat but I am afraid she will ask me am I crazy and can I not get the bloody hint.
I know this isnt like her though so I cant understand it at all??
Btw we are both on the better side of 25

grahamfitness

Ask her. The worst she could say is no, but dont push her.

Ickle Magoo

*throws up*

Some good, some bad & some very twee advice there OP.

I think...just tell her you want to be with her & you'll do anything not to loose her, tell her you know you've been an idiot & ASK HER what she wants from you in order to give the relationship a second go. If she says leave her alone then do that, if she wants you to make more of an effort, then book the weekend away...best of luck.

fallout_girl

oh dear...

if she dumps you right before christmas i am pretty sure she absolutely means it.
if there had been any doubt in her mind, if she would be capable of being around you for a little longer she would have waited until a few days after new years.
the fact that the timing is the way it is possibly just shows even more that there is no chance left. also you say in your post:
I would like to book somewhere nice for us to go and just chat but I am afraid she will ask me am I crazy and can I not get the bloody hint.

You know already she will be doing this and that she will ask you did you not get the hint and STILL you think there is a chance?

foxtail

just read through your posts and can't help feeling that it's not that you want her back as much as it is that you don't want to be dumped. it's more about you, less about her.

clearly it's a prideful thing to say "if the other guy helped her with the decision then i'd be gutted" (or similar) because it's another MAN having influence on YOUR girl, and in general, your posts have been more concerned about the effect of all of this on you, your feelings, your prospects, your loss, 5 years of YOUR life etc. can you see why i think it's an issue of pride + shame at being dumped rather than a genuine change in how much value you place on her?

more evidence is your behaviour during the relationship. you're rightly repentant but there's been a pattern of placing greater value on yourself and your own needs above hers. way above. how you show value is in doing not just saying, and all your doing has shown clearly that she is secondary and peripheral. if i was her friend i'd be advising her the same thing. however extravagant your displays of penance mean nothing if you don't have a fundamental shift in your thinking.

my advice to you would be to take this as an opportunity to learn and grow. to prepare to be a better man and partner to your next girlfriend. hopefully for you this will be your current girlfriend but i don't think that should be your focus.

BobTheBeat

Chin up, f**k the naysayers!

But you have your work cut out for you - as You've pretty much burned most of your bridges. She will need to be really understanding to let this slide.

Dont be too persistant, as you'll come across as being pathetic. If she still says no after the chat, leave it lie, and chalk it down to experience. "You dont what you've got till its gone...."

anon1001

I am going to do as ickle magoo says as this seems to sum everything up. I am willing to anything to keep her and I realise what I have done. If she wants me to leave her alone than I can at this stage, do nothing less than that.
I really fear as Grahamfitness will know that the longer this goes on the closer she will get to Mr. Other man who by all accounts of what she has told me is a good friend.

Ohhhhh, what have I done. I realy cant believe I allowed myself to push her this far.

Talliesin

anon1001 wrote:

Please help, is there anything nice I can do to prove I can be better for her and make her happy, anything at all???

Nice is as nice does, and nice don't prove ****.

There's nothing in what you've said to indicate you've had any problem being nice when it was time to be nice over the last 5 years. You've just consistently failed to be decent during that time. Treating her nice is great, but treating her decently is requisite.

anon1001 wrote:

There has gotta be something I can. 5 years is a long time

That's your problem. If it was 5 weeks you could say, "Sorry, I've had a bad 5 weeks and needed to kick out a bit and you suffered because of that and that wasn't fair". That's a pretty feeble excuse for being a prick of 5 weeks, but it would have a chance. For 5 years it isn't going to cut it.

anon1001 wrote:

One of the really hard things to get over is the fact that while this has been going on for about a week now, she has been getting support from some guy.
She seems to talk to him freely about what is going on.
Something that worries me is that she started to confide in him while I was out of the country with my friend and of course I begin to think he may have helped her make this decision. That would be really heartbreaking if it were true.

Good for her.

You really want to get things right between the two of you? You really care for her?

Then you better start being glad that she's had that friend because it's your fault that she's needed him so much.

And if you do manage to get into a healthy relationship with her then you will owe that guy big time.

And your thoughts that maybe he'll move in when you break-up? Forget it. If you don't break-up it'll be partly down to him that you managed to get things going right rather than her putting up with you for another year or so and dumping you then - she'd have copped on sooner or later. If you do break up he isn't necessarily become a romantic interest for her. And if you do break up and they do become an item, well tough, the better man won.

Certainly the last thing you need to do is to get narky about him. She'll see that as you being a prick for 5 years and then being narky about someone that's helping her deal with you being a prick for 5 years. This will not weigh in your favour.

Roses are great, nice meals are great, little gestures like brushing her hair while she's sitting relaxing or just making a cup of tea are great. But she needs to know more than that the good times with you will be nice. She needs to know that you'll be decent to her, supportive in the bad times, and that the bad times for her won't be because you've decided on a way to have a good time without her while she isn't even having a similar good time on her own (heading of on a holiday with your mates would be fine if she did the same thing on occasion, not how I'd choose to do things, but still fine, but I don't get the impression she was doing so from what you say).

You need to become more than a fair-weather boyfriend. Even if she does dump you, you need to do that should you ever get into a relationship again. What are you doing about that?

Just saying you're going to change? Sorry, people do change but most of the time they don't and when they do it takes effort.

What are you going to change about your lifestyle? What are you going to do to get on-going support and help in changing your behaviour.

Answer those questions, and let her know the answers, and you might have a chance.

Just a chance though. Five years is a lot of time and she's probably reached a point where she's looking back on those five years and on balance feeling pretty damn tired.

anon1001

I agree with you talliesen. Dont get me wrong, do you not think I have reflected on my actions. I appreciate that I have really annoyed alot of people here because I expect to be able to find some kind of redemption.
However, at the same time, none of us are dead and none of us cheated. Surely there is some hope for us. I just need a chance

Metacortex

You know what OP?

You sound just like my ex. Alot of the situations you described are very familiar to the way my ex bf treated me.
Everytime his friends were around, i was basically non existant. He treated me with very little respect and finally after 6 years, i realised, even though he claimed to love me, he behaved as if he couldn't care less if i was alive or dead.

That was about 7 months ago and now i feel better than i have for years not that hes gone. I have just started seeing a new man who treats me wonderfully and i would never go back if he turned up tomorrow and begged and pleaded and claimed he changed.

Just let her have her space.

StormWarrior

I agree with megacortex. This girl dumped you right before christmas, that means she could not wait to be rid of you. It means she couldn't bear to be stuck with you for another couple of weeks. You must understand that No means No. If you keep badgering her you are just going to look like a crazy stalker. Stop harrassing the poor girl, she doesn't want you!