Caught red handed

miamee

Sangre wrote:

Ok, let me get this straight.

You told your sister's boyfriend of 4 years that your sister was cheating on him....what the FÚCk?
Regardless of what a slag you sister is how could you do such a thing to her, I can't believe you would put this Ben ahead of your sister and to do it in such a cowardly way, blurting it out for full effect and embarrassment. Not to mention the fact its none of your business, whatsoever.

Its one thing to tell your sister you know what she did (and guilt her to stopping/fessing up) its another to sabotage a long-term relationship.

Pfft, chicks before dicks.

It's all well & good saying this from a calm & objective point of view but can you imagine how shocked, disgusted, hurt you would be to see your own big sister casually strolling out of a toilet cubicle after shagging some random bloke while her boyfriend is waiting outside?
The OPs emotions were probably all over the place plus there was drink taken, I don't think you can condemn her for voicing her feelings over that.

OP I would take the advice of leaving the pair of them to it, if Ben wants to know more at a later stage let him come to you. Don't make a big deal of everything or keep trying to tell him that you are right & she is wrong, just leave them to it. Hopefully you & your sis can still get along after this blows over, aside from this it sounds like you were close

kryan1

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

This situation plays like a sad soap opera. I would put space between me and them during Christmas, and generally associate with other family members. Can't see a solution where no one is hurt.

Totally agree here. Give them space. But it prob was expected that ur sis was going to talk her way out of it. If u could turn back time, yea, try and not say anything till the next morning but hey, its happened and now everyone knows. He will prob blame u, as ur sis prob filled his head with nonesence about you haveing feeling for him and wanted to break them up.
Guys tend to think like that sadly, believe what sounds like a reasonable explanation. cause the truth sound so unreal, that if your sis could convence him that you are trying to break them up, well, then ur sis gets off and ur the villain. give them time, and have ur camera phone ready next time. pictures speak louder than words
best of luck

mickoneill30

You've done your bit. You've warned Ben and told your sister how you felt. Thats all you can do. Leave it at that. If either of them approach you just stay calm and tell the truth. There's no need to go chasing Ben to convince him. That's not your job. If he doesn't want to believe you then that's his decision. If you try and contact him it'll only look like you're being vindictive.
As for your sister. Leave her alone for a while. She'll either give you an apology or will figure it out in time. If she doesn't I wouldn't be too worried about it. If she wants to lose your friendship over something like that then she's not worth it.

LegacyUser

'If you really want to get Ben to find out the truth you could ring your sister apologising for getting her into trouble and get her to admit something like "it only happened once" or she is sorry it happened i.e. get her to say something showing that it is true. Record the call and let Ben listen to it.

Other than doing that, just back off and let it be. You may have not told the truth in the best way but you did NOTHING wrong.'

haunted-room

Sangre wrote:

Ok, let me get this straight.

You told your sister's boyfriend of 4 years that your sister was cheating on him....what the FÚCk?
Regardless of what a slag you sister is how could you do such a thing to her, I can't believe you would put this Ben ahead of your sister and to do it in such a cowardly way, blurting it out for full effect and embarrassment. Not to mention the fact its none of your business, whatsoever.

Its one thing to tell your sister you know what she did (and guilt her to stopping/fessing up) its another to sabotage a long-term relationship.

Pfft, chicks before dicks.

What!!? Of coarse she did the right thing, Ben is her friend of 4 years. If a friend of mine new that my girlfriend was cheating on me and didnt tell me, well, he/she wouldnt be a friend anymore. Friends are supposed to look out for each other. It makes no difference that it is her sister, blood is not thicker than water. And what do you mean "how could you do such a thing to her"!!? She did it to herself!! and Ben has a right to know! And if it involves a friend then it is her business, or at least it should be!
And "sabotage a long term relationship"!!? what is your problem? Im guessing you wouldnt make a very good friend at all!

Sangre

Of course I'd tell a close friend if I knew, I wouldn't do it if it screwed over my family or another friend.You don't sound like a very good relative. She only knows Ben because of her sister(I'm guessing).

The phrase the OP confesses shows it was clearly an attack on her sister, rather telling Ben the truth. She was disgusted at her sister and wanted to hurt her, she wasn't confessing due to loyalties to her friend Ben.

Ickle Magoo

That's grim. Yeuk!:eek:

Have to say I wouldn't be pushed at loosing a "friend" or sister's "friendship" when that someone shags openly in the public toilets when we are on a night out, especially when I know & am in the company of her & her BF at the time...

OP, I'd say they're welcome to each other. Stay clear of them & say nothing until they approach you in a calm & appologetic manner. I don't see why you should have to carry around your sisters sordid little secrets or why you should be put in the position of having to lie to or pretend you didn't see something to Ben...loyalty, friendship, etc goes both ways & I don't see anyone bending over back-wards to be a good friend to you. Best of luck.

Gran Hermano

Blokes like Ben may come and go..

But you only have one family-ever hear that blood
is thicker than water? If you had a problem with your
sister there was a time and place to discuss her behaviour.
In front of her boyfriend was not the time nor place.
Ben wil be long dumped and forgotten whilst your feud
with your sister remains.

I reckon Christmas dinner will be interesting chez vous.
You best stay off the gargle on Christmas day, with your
track record of spilling the beans after a couple of scoops
me thinks it will not be long before you're filling your gran in
on the sordid details!

Kebab

Agree with most posters that it was right for Ben to find out your sister cheated on him - the way it happened was unfortunate though.

I would never dump any of my sisters in it (no matter how pissed I got) - there's always been an unwritten rule between us. Having said that, none of my sisters (to my knowledge) have ever shagged anyone in a toilet thus cheating on a boyfriend... it is horrendous behaviour. I do believe blood is thicker than water if you have good relationships with your siblings, which, luckily I do. Do you normally get on with your sister? I know you were out on the piss together but do you spend time with her apart from that? Or has she always been a bit of a user and gotten away with all sorts?? If the latter is the case, I can understand your outburst.

It's a pity that it's Christmas - "the time for family". I suppose all you can do is make the time you have to spend with her as short as possible and say nothing more about what happened. It'll be up to her to cop herself on.

Crea

We can all harp on about the rights and wrongs of letting Ben know but the fact of the matter is it's done.
OP your sister sounds like she is well able to manipulate people so don't pursue this. You'll just look vindictive. Ben knows, the ball is now in his court. If your sister lies to him and he wants to believe that then that's their problem. If anyone tackles you about it just say "I told you what I saw, i've nothing more to say".
Don't get dragged into trying to make people sorry or believe, you'll come out the worst.

Belle_Morte

Gran Hermano wrote:

ever hear that blood is thicker than water?

Ever hear that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives? It's hardly the OP's fault that she's the sister of a spoilt little trollop.

LegacyUser

'Aplogise to them both.

Then stay out of it. Apologise to her for blurting it out. And him to. Don't get into a discussion on the truth/subject matter.

Just say sorry for opening your mouth. "Sorry for saying what I said.. I was drunk and I shouldn't have said anything" and leave it at that. She will take it from her angle and he ..his. It is ambigious enough.

The truth will out eventually. He'll dump her. She will get over it and be your sister.


Anything else is a sh1tstrom you don't need in your life.'

dame

Your sister is a complete user and a trollop. You've done her a huge favour by bringing her behaviour to her attention (maybe could have been done a bit more diplomatically, but anyway). Just be glad it was you who caught her and not one of her work-mates or a bitchy girl who knows her but doesn't like her for whatever reason. Anyone else could be only too delighted to spread the story maliciously. Her reputation could be ruined. She's clearly never thought of that before but perhaps now she'll cop herself on, grow up a little and stop being a disgusting slut.

dame

Oh, and I meant to say that if she gives you any more grief you should point that fact out to her and then leave it at that until she apologises to you for the way she has treated you since.

Bicky

Blood is thicker than water.
Apologise to your sister for the way you went about saying it, then tell her how disappointed you are in her.
She will be around long after he is gone.

spurious

You should have stayed out of it imo.

You do not know for sure what was going on in the cubicle.
If everything was OK with her and Ben in the first place nothing would have been happening.

It is THEIR relationship, not yours.

Whatever about saying something to your sister when you had all sobered up, blurting it out in front of everyone was very much the wrong thing to do I think.

It is not your life.

ferdi

you probably should have stayed out of it, but either way, your view of your sister as a person was forever altered.

forget about lie detector tests, forget about the two of them aswell.

your sister is a slag and ben is an idiot.

lads like ben will come and go as mentioned above. if your sister stays angry at you (she really has no grounds to do so since she obviously does not give a sh!te about her relationship with ben) to hell with her, tell her to get over it go ride a stranger in a public toilet.

Marksie

spurious wrote:

You should have stayed out of it imo.

You do not know for sure what was going on in the cubicle.

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck.... or in this case if it sounds like a F**k.
Then it probably was.

Done is done and hands up who hasn't said something with drink taken which perhaps would have best been left to a quiet word later.

OP, dont get embroiled further. definitely do not flirt with ben etc. that just lends some measure of conviction to wjhat excuses the sister is coming up with.
DO NOT aplogise, you have nothing to feel guilty about, again it would lend conviction to any excuses.

Bring up no mention, neither should you approach the pair of them. Do not get involved.
Let them approach you, with an apology.
Remain aloof, dignified and dont get dragged into anything.. if necessary "talk to the hand" is all you need. or simply.."its your decisions" and walk away.

Give them nothing and by not getting involved in slanging matches your position will be made very very clear. Oh and look at them right in the eye, dont look away .

remeber this when investigators question people , one technique is to say nothing when an initial question is answered... invariably the person will then talk more to explain what they said. Quite simply by saying nothing, you will just be providing the rope for which they will hang themselves.

ferdi

spurious wrote:

You do not know for sure what was going on in the cubicle.

what a rediculous comment, whatever was happening in that cubicle, it wasnt knitting.

faceman

Awful story OP and i really sympathise with you. If you hadnt said anything and later Ben found out and then found out you knew and hadnt told him, he would have been just as mad with you anyway. You're damned if you do and damned if you dont.

Anyway whats done is done. You need to leave them sort it out themselves. As hard as it may be, you dont have to prove anything to anyone. You and your sister know the truth no matter what Ben thinks and she has to live with it.

If it was me i probably would ignore them both from now on. You dont have to tell anyone why but if your parents badger you, then tell them.

I suspect that your sister in her stupidness may have forget protection et al, so with a bit of luck she will learn her lesson the hard way.

Infidelty is so commonplace nowadays and the demon drink has so much to answer for. You have a clear conscience my friend and despite your sisters and Bens feelings toward you, its not actually your problem. Hold your chin up, its not up to you to resolve anything.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Stabshauptmann

Bicky wrote:

Blood is thicker than water.
Apologise to your sister for the way you went about saying it, then tell her how disappointed you are in her.
She will be around long after he is gone.

Thats right, blood IS thicker than water.

Ben doesnt deservev that type of treatment but the best thing to do would have been to get your sister to realise that.

When you said what you said there could have been a lot of facts you didnt know.

Ben said he was gonna screw a girl from work he know hasa the hots for him. Classy.

You dont want or need a family feud. Talk to your sister (without alcohol) over xmas and try and mend ye're relationship.
Then stay out of hers and Bens

faceman

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

Ben said he was gonna screw a girl from work he know hasa the hots for him. Classy.

You dont want or need a family feud. Talk to your sister (without alcohol) over xmas and try and mend ye're relationship.
Then stay out of hers and Bens

Ben said he was gonna screw some girl yes, but the guy was very angry and most of us would probably say the same. Doesnt mean he was going to do it.

Lets not brand him a bad guy yet.

Aoife-FM104

n OP, you shouldn't have said what you said. It's none of your business, and it's inappropriate. However, it does seem like you had the right intentions (i.e. you weren't trying to be a prick or whatever.)

We don't know for certain that she was having sex. This might be her "get out of jail" card.

Sister: "Ben, I promise you, I swear to God, I wasn't having sex. There is no way I would do that. I am not a slut, and I love you."
Ben: "Then what were you doing in there?"
Sister: "I was so drunk I can hardly remember, all I know is I would never do that to you. I love you too much and you know I'm not a slut."
Ben: "Then why would he say that?"
Sister: "My whole life he has said **** like this to me. He is so manipulative, etc etc."

It's very easy for your sister to get out of this one.

As others have said, never ever get involved in other peoples relationships. They're too complicated for an outsiders opinion.

Anyway, just like Sister and Ben are looking after themselves, you should do the same. Especially with Christmas coming up. It would totally be in your interest to try to sort something out WITH YOUR SISTER beforehand. Forget about Ben, he's not family. Boyfriends come and go... You can't solve everyones problems.

I suggest you e-mail your sister, a fairly non-emotional e-mail (or at least, focus on positive emotions) explaining what you saw, you are sorry you said what you said, and what can the two of you do to move forward.

It is absolutely not worth losing your sister over a drunken shag (which by the way, may not be slutty behaviour for her, and really, you need to stop enforcing your moral code onto her.)

But try to sort it out for Christmas. At least try. Christmas will be horrendous if you don't.

pbsuxok1znja4r

Haha, knitting.

And to all the "blood is thicker than water" crowd, get a clue. She's been with Ben four years, FFS, that counts for something and the sister was in the wrong. By that I mean being a complete bitch to her boyfriend. Assuming Ben hasn't ever cheated on her, of course.

If family is so important then the sister should know she'll have to forgive the OP. Not the other way 'round, with the OP swallowing dirty secrets for her sister.

Dave!

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

Thats right, blood IS thicker than water.

Ben doesnt deservev that type of treatment but the best thing to do would have been to get your sister to realise that.

When you said what you said there could have been a lot of facts you didnt know.

Ben said he was gonna screw a girl from work he know hasa the hots for him. Classy.

You dont want or need a family feud. Talk to your sister (without alcohol) over xmas and try and mend ye're relationship.
Then stay out of hers and Bens

I'll agree there.

Your sister doesn't sound very nice. She shouldn't have done what she did, and she was in the wrong. If she has any class she'll end it with Ben, or come clean about the cheating and see what he wants to do.

But you shouldn't have interfered. You should have said it to your sister in private and told her your opinion -- but said that you're not gonna tell him cos it's none of your business. It's up to your sister then.

If she continued doing it then it's bad for Ben. But it's not really your place to interfere it someone else's relationship. The truth will come out eventually.

Blood is thicker than water though, so I'd say get together with your sister. Tell her you saw what you saw, and Ben deserves to know the truth so he can decide if he wants to continue in this relationship or move on with his life. Say you're not going to interfere anymore and it wasn't your place to tell Ben (drink is a curse though).

The most important thing now is to prevent it damaging your family. She can't come clean about it now, cos she's after making up that story so she's stuck with it. So it's up to you to make up with her, if you want to.

Ideally your sister would realise the error of her ways, break up with Ben, apolise to you, and never do the bad deed again. But that's not likely to happen.

So from a practical point of view--

Is it worth saving Ben a bit of heartache, to losing your sister and creating a rift in your family?

Sleepy

Blood is thicker than water but a manipulative, unfaitthful bitch is always a manipulative, unfaitthful bitch regardless of familial relationships. Just because social niceties say family should always be forgiven anything doesn't mean they have to be or indeed should be.

OP, I'd wash my hands of her entirely. Ignore her over Christmas and until she apologises to you.

Dave!

Sleepy wrote:

Blood is thicker than water but a manipulative, unfaitthful bitch is always a manipulative, unfaitthful bitch regardless of familial relationships. Just because social niceties say family should always be forgiven anything doesn't mean they have to be or indeed should be.

OP, I'd wash my hands of her entirely. Ignore her over Christmas and until she apologises to you.

So you think that because she's a b*tch that it's a good idea to create trouble in their family? Have the sisters fight for the other siblings to get them on their side? Have a hostile Christmas dinner? Have the parents only able to invite 1 of you out at a time? Seperate tables at any family weddings? Not inviting 1 to the other's wedding?

I think it'd be a better idea to quell the fire before it gets out of control. It affects more than the 2 sisters if the conflict escalates.

Zirconia

Sleepy wrote:

Blood is thicker than water but a manipulative, unfaitthful bitch is always a manipulative, unfaitthful bitch regardless of familial relationships. Just because social niceties say family should always be forgiven anything doesn't mean they have to be or indeed should be.

OP, I'd wash my hands of her entirely. Ignore her over Christmas and until she apologises to you.

I agree completely. I think the OP did the right thing, at the right time and in the right manner, and shouldn't have any contact with her sister unless her sister comes to her and offers profound apologies. The OP doesn't and shouldn't be on the defensive; her sister did the offence, and then on top of this, cast her own sister as a liar.

Nobody, family or otherwise, should stand by and support someone like this until they acknowledge what they have done and seek forgiveness themselves at least.

All this talk about family loyalty and keeping out of it is total crap. The OP is the witness to the events, this makes it her business and makes it essential that she makes what happened known to both her partner and her boyfriend. I have siblings, and I have children, and if I found any of them doing what the OP's sister did, I would do exactly the same thing as she did. If I was in the position of the boyfriend, and someone knew about this, I would be furious and disgusted if someone I knew was aware of the situation and did not tell me immediately, relative or not of the offender. If there is going to be turmoil and tension in the family, place the blame where it lies, with the OP's sister, not with her; blaming her is total crap. She comes across as a person of integrity and courage, and I admire her action in this case.

What is it with the Irish, between the family loyalty thing, where you are expected to support your relatives no matter how disgusting their behaviour towards others, and the "Carefull now; we wouldn't want any trouble" attitude.

It was not the OP's place to stay out of it, she was the one who saw what happened, and it was her duty to let the situation be known. Anyone else should stay out of it. She should stay away from her sister and drop the subject, she's said all she needs to now.

Loomis

I consider cheating to be one of the most horrible things you can do to a partner. Doing it to a partner of 4 years takes someone who is really stupid, selfish or just cruel. To do it in the manner she did is beyond comprehension. How could anyone do that to another person? It gets me so angry.
You were totally in the right by telling him. As others have said you didn't do it in the best way but he needed to know. And she needed to know that despite thinking she has the world at her feet that some people will stand up to her and point out when she is acting the complete c*nt. That word is like the word hate to me; used way to often and out of context. But it trully describes your sister.
If she is willing to turn things back on you it just highlights what kind of a horrible human being she is. It confirms her selfishness and displays sickening self-preservation on her part where not even family gets in her way.
He needed to know and you told him. Deciding what to do with that information is up to him so don't concern yourself with it anymore. I can't imagine how difficult things are for you since after all she is your sister. But how she treats her boyfriend, how she's treated you and how you say she manipulates everyone around her you really do describe a horrible person, sister or not. If you ever patch things up with her,and to be honest I would completely understand if you didn't forgive her,please don't ever forget what she's done to you.
A person like your sister will eventually get what's coming to her. It's only a matter of time. You catching her doing what she did just shows that eventually everyone gets found out. Maybe next time,and there will be a next time,she won't worm her way out of it and it will have true consequences (if you don't consider putting your relationship with a sibling on the line - which may never be mended as it is).
You sound like a lovely person and have displayed great character in how you've handled yourself so far; don't ever let her think she's gotten away with it on any level.

spaceman1

In My opinion you have done nothing wrong. Your sister and Ben have to work this out between them, If he wants to forgive her, he will, if not its best he finds someone who really loves him. The same goes for your sster, If she loved Ben she would not have done what she did, drink has nothing to do with it. YOur sister will forgive you if she has any sense and losing a boyfriend of 4 years may allow her to realise what she has lost and act differently in the future. You have to forgive yourself, you did nothing wrong. If you had said nothing, Ben would continue being a fool, Your sister would have continued cheating and you would be disgusted with them and yourself. I would actually commend you on your courage to confront the situation.

Best of Luck,