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walk away or help him

  • 09-12-2006 03:19PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    was hoping ye could shed some light on my issue.. with my bf 3 years, have our normal fights etc.. but always get through them.. my bf owns a pub so time together is very rare. However for the last 6 weeks my bf has been doing all the shifts at the pub ( 80 hours a week!) as he cant get staff to work for him. He's gone so touchy its unbearable. I understand how exhausted he must be with working non stop but he doesnt ring or text me anymore and when i do ring him he only snaps down the phone at me and gives me the feeling that im only annoying him.. we dont live together so sometimes a phone call to each other is our only means of contact. When we do meet lately, he shows no sign of affectionate, its like im a complete stranger to him.. ive tried talking to him about this and told him that im only trying to help him and be there for him if he needs me.. but he only cuts me off saying there is nothing wrong with him and me always asking him is annoying him.. i dont know what to do coz it feels like ive done all i can, im even afraid to ring him these days coz i dont know what kind of reaction im gona get and as i said earlier he doesnt ring me anymore... How can i help him or should i just leave him alone to deal with what he has to deal with...


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,976 ✭✭✭✭humanji


    atwitsend wrote:
    was hoping ye could shed some light on my issue.. with my bf 3 years, have our normal fights etc.. but always get through them.. my bf owns a pub so time together is very rare. However for the last 6 weeks my bf has been doing all the shifts at the pub ( 80 hours a week!) as he cant get staff to work for him. He's gone so touchy its unbearable. I understand how exhausted he must be with working non stop but he doesnt ring or text me anymore and when i do ring him he only snaps down the phone at me and gives me the feeling that im only annoying him.. we dont live together so sometimes a phone call to each other is our only means of contact. When we do meet lately, he shows no sign of affectionate, its like im a complete stranger to him.. ive tried talking to him about this and told him that im only trying to help him and be there for him if he needs me.. but he only cuts me off saying there is nothing wrong with him and me always asking him is annoying him.. i dont know what to do coz it feels like ive done all i can, im even afraid to ring him these days coz i dont know what kind of reaction im gona get and as i said earlier he doesnt ring me anymore... How can i help him or should i just leave him alone to deal with what he has to deal with...

    Sit him down and talk to him. If he refuses to talk to you then walk away, there's nothing you can do for him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,442 ✭✭✭✭jesus_thats_gre


    Or....

    Appreciate the fact that he is completely up to his eyeballs, can't cope with the pressure and that the last thing he needs is the girl he loves heeping on more pressure over something pretty trivial in the grand scale of things and in the context of your relationship.

    You have been with him 3 years. Only you know what is normal for him and only you know what you consider as ok. If he treats you like this all the time then move on. If this sort of behaviour (behaviour = not giving you the attention you want/need) only occurs when he is up to his eyeballs, just give him a chance to get new staff. If things return back to normal between ye, then happy days, if things continue, the relationship may have gone flat and you should consider moving on then.

    If things do return back to normal, he will appreciate that you understood that he was under pressure and that you didn't make things worse by doing the "woman thing" that you seem intent on doing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 234 ✭✭myjugsarehuge


    Why can't he get staff ? Is it because he is snappy and irritable with them too. He sounds quite stressed and possibly depressed but only he can change his current situation, not you.

    My partner works abroad, works 80 hr weeks regularly and gets stressed but he would never speak to me like that.

    My advice would be that you shouldn't contact him for few days, leave him be, don't ring or text at all however hard it seems. Do something for yourself, take your mind off him and his problems, treat yourself. If after a week he hasn't contacted you, to see if you are OK, I would ring him and ask if he still values your relationship. You can then base your decisions around his reply.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 36,634 ✭✭✭✭Ruu_Old


    There is only so much you can do, its up to him to find a solution or make an effort.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    If things do return back to normal, he will appreciate that you understood that he was under pressure and that you didn't make things worse by doing the "woman thing" that you seem intent on doing.[/QUOTE]

    Whats the "woman thing" your referring to? Trying to help him?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i texted him last night saying i understand the pressure he's under and how tired he must be and taht i didnt want to be the one that pushes him too far, and that i was going to give him time on he's own to deal with whatever he's needs to deal with and we just see what happens then... he never texted back and have still not heard from him today...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,375 ✭✭✭padser


    atwitsend wrote:
    i texted him last night saying i understand the pressure he's under and how tired he must be and taht i didnt want to be the one that pushes him too far, and that i was going to give him time on he's own to deal with whatever he's needs to deal with and we just see what happens then... he never texted back and have still not heard from him today...

    The poor guy is working 80 hours a week, I doubt he has time to deal with needyness or insecurity. Would you not just leave him alone for a while, when/if he has the time, HE will text/ring you.

    Is it also possible that by you saying 'Ill give you time on your own' that he decided to take it literaly in that you had realised how much pressure he was udner and had decided to stop hounding him!

    I really feel so sorry for this poor guy, he is working 80 hours a week!!! 80!!! and instead of his long term gf being supportive she is constantly on the phone looking for attention!

    Anyway to answer your question of how you can help him......by leaving him alone so he has one less thing to worry about over this difficult period!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,433 ✭✭✭kittenkiller


    Have you thought about offering to give him a few hours off in the pub so he can get a bit of rest and time to recharge?

    If my bf was acting like that I'd be feeling hurt and a little bit rejected to be honest, even if I *knew* he was super busy. But in a while, when everything's moved on and he's much less stressed, I'd end up feeling silly for taking it so personally.

    It's a busy time of year. Take the time to yourself as a blessing and keep your mind busy.

    He'll be glad you stuck by him and you'll come through this stronger.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,518 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    Am I right in thinking that you've posted at least twice here before, on the same topic?

    If indeed you are the same person, then it's clear to me that you've been very patient with him. Maybe now, you need to consider a change.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    padser wrote:
    The poor guy is working 80 hours a week, I doubt he has time to deal with needyness or insecurity. Would you not just leave him alone for a while, when/if he has the time, HE will text/ring you.

    Is it also possible that by you saying 'Ill give you time on your own' that he decided to take it literaly in that you had realised how much pressure he was udner and had decided to stop hounding him!

    I really feel so sorry for this poor guy, he is working 80 hours a week!!! 80!!! and instead of his long term gf being supportive she is constantly on the phone looking for attention!

    Anyway to answer your question of how you can help him......by leaving him alone so he has one less thing to worry about over this difficult period!


    im not constantly on the phone to him, i ring him once during the day when i know he's not working and then i leave him alone for the rest of the day knowing that he is working and leave it up to him to ring me then if he has the time...my whole point of posting this post was to help figure out whats the best way to be supportive of him, i didnt ring him one day and then he was giving out that i didnt bother ringing him to see how he was, so im damned if i do and im damned if i dont...


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    dudara wrote:
    Am I right in thinking that you've posted at least twice here before, on the same topic?

    If indeed you are the same person, then it's clear to me that you've been very patient with him. Maybe now, you need to consider a change.


    Good memory durdura!! Everybody tells me esp. he's family that to go out with my bf requires the patience of a saint!


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,769 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    atwitsend wrote:
    my whole point of posting this post was to help figure out whats the best way to be supportive of him, i didnt ring him one day and then he was giving out that i didnt bother ringing him to see how he was, so im damned if i do and im damned if i dont...
    Be patient. Ring him once a day, and let him have a little space while he tries to sort things out?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 994 ✭✭✭Carrigart Exile


    atwitsend wrote:
    was hoping ye could shed some light on my issue.. with my bf 3 years, have our normal fights etc.. but always get through them.. my bf owns a pub so time together is very rare. However for the last 6 weeks my bf has been doing all the shifts at the pub ( 80 hours a week!) as he cant get staff to work for him. He's gone so touchy its unbearable. I understand how exhausted he must be with working non stop but he doesnt ring or text me anymore and when i do ring him he only snaps down the phone at me and gives me the feeling that im only annoying him.. we dont live together so sometimes a phone call to each other is our only means of contact. When we do meet lately, he shows no sign of affectionate, its like im a complete stranger to him.. ive tried talking to him about this and told him that im only trying to help him and be there for him if he needs me.. but he only cuts me off saying there is nothing wrong with him and me always asking him is annoying him.. i dont know what to do coz it feels like ive done all i can, im even afraid to ring him these days coz i dont know what kind of reaction im gona get and as i said earlier he doesnt ring me anymore... How can i help him or should i just leave him alone to deal with what he has to deal with...

    Could you offer to help out in the pub???


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Offer to do what you can to help but let him know that you understand if he needs space at this time - sometimes when I am stressed out I need some space, sometimes I need help, sometimes I need a hug. I would not give up on him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,333 ✭✭✭Cake Fiend


    Tell him that you're sick of being the one to have to call, and having him giving out when you do, so if he wants to talk to you the onus is on him now.

    Don't keep calling him, it'll push him away.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭dame


    I'm annoyed even reading your posts here. I'm even more annoyed to hear you've posted this topic twice before. Even the patience of saint's wears out and why does everyone, including his family indulge him? 80 hours a week or not, he can still be at least civil. I worked 80+ hours a week for four months seven years ago. My family and friends would not have put up with me behaving like a spoilt (tired) brat. I'd have got a good kick up the backside.

    Isn't it obvious to you??????? Why don't you do a few shifts in the pub? Just go in there, be totally professional, treat your boyfriend like any other boss you've ever had and get on with it! Don't ring him or text him otherwise, just leave well enough alone until he seeks you out.

    If he hasn't managed to sort himself out within two weeks, then leave him. Full Stop.
    Don't be a mug.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 720 ✭✭✭3greenrizla's


    have you considered giving him a hand in the pub?

    You would be able to spend more time together & He would be able to take more time off.

    I've never done it, but I would imagine owning your own bar & working 80 hours a week would be quite stressful.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,442 ✭✭✭✭jesus_thats_gre


    atwitsend wrote:
    If things do return back to normal, he will appreciate that you understood that he was under pressure and that you didn't make things worse by doing the "woman thing" that you seem intent on doing.

    Whats the "woman thing" your referring to? Trying to help him?[/quote]

    You know exactly what I am talking about.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'have no experience doing bar work, even though ive told him a few times id help him anyother way i could, collecting glasses, cleaning etc. i work my own job 5 days a week which includes one day over the weekend so i feel im no good to him in that respect'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    You have posted twice before? over what time period? do you have a link to those threads so we can get a better picture of what is going on?

    It could very well be someone with work/life balance issues. Is there a particluar reason he cannot get staff?

    I am very busy, but even if its just for 10 minutes i will take time out to talk to my partners. Or at the very least say i am busy and then phone back later and make sure i have time.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'have you considered that he might be working all those hours to avoid you ?

    He sounds exactly like I was with my ex girlfriend a few years ago when I just didnt want to be with her anymore but never had the cahoonas to dump her. Loved her but wasnt in love with her.

    I worked like a maniac to avoid seeing her cause of the guilt, late shifts 6 nights a week. Just ratty and cranky with her all the time. Eventually she walked, it was like I wanted her to dump me instead of me having to do it.

    Been with the new missus 2 years now. I do still have to do the odd crazy week of nights (12hr shifts) if work is mad busy...................... but all I know now is when I'm that stressed and that busy all I want is to be in the arms of the woman I love or hear her voice on the phone and it all goes away.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,138 ✭✭✭foxy06


    Even if he started being more affectionate with you while he was with you, do you really think it's worth dedicating your life to a man that has no time for you? As a daughter of a man who did 80 hour weeks as a bar manager I can tell you it is a job for a single man with no ties because it was no fun for me and my siblings and certainly not for my mother who was left holding the babies on her own. Move on from this relationship thats my advice.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    been there wrote:
    'have you considered that he might be working all those hours to avoid you ?

    i did wonder that myself, but wanted to know more information. The fact that he hasn't texted would tend to suggest that he is viewing her as an annoyance rather than a partner.

    has he contacted yuo at all since witsend?
    It may be best if you just leave all contact for a while.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,308 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    It may be best if you just leave all contact for a while.
    Agreed. It'll either be a kick up the arse to make him see that he's being acting the ar$ehole, or he'll assume that you've left him. Either way, you should get a response. Its better than staying in the postion of not knowing, that you're in now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 720 ✭✭✭3greenrizla's


    all you can do is offer i suppose, I know how bad doing a 35/40 hour week is, I couldnt imagine doing 80 hours & having any kind of life (social or personal)

    next suggestion would be a few days away when it is quiet during january, Hotel, spa, dinner, just a day or two to relax (could be a christmas prezzie)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,826 ✭✭✭StupidLikeAFox


    its ultimatum time i think...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7 alimel


    To be cruel to be kind, read back on what just wrote. If you were in the same position would u be treating him like this? It's all very well for people to tell you to be patient, understanding, stop annoying him but what about you? You're just missing him, feeling insecure and maybe paranoid and hurt that he's not making some effort. It does sound like he's not making an effort because he doesnt need to, you're doing everything!!
    Next time you see him just say you're sorry for nagging him and for giving him a hard time, it's just you feel a bit neglected and you just want to make sure he still wants you as a girlfriend. If he say he does, remember that and leave him be. Tell him the next time you call and if he's too busy to talk, to tell you nicely and not to snap and then you wont be hurt or paranoid that somethings wrong. ;)


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