what to do - baby worries.

LegacyUser

I think I might be pregnant and I'm very worried about how my boyfriend is taking it.

I told him last night that I was worried and we're going to do the test this evening. I'm 24 and he's only 19, the age difference never seemed a problem until now.

It wouldn't be ideal for me to have a baby now, but I feel at my age I could cope well enough and it's something I wanted to do before I turned 30 anyway. I just feel like he'd be missing out on a lot having a baby so young. On the other hand, we both have good jobs and supporting loving familes that I'm sure would give help and support.

He was completely shocked and his first response was to ask how I feel about abortion. I could never have an abortion, it's just not something I could do, but I don't condemn women who take this option either. Adoption would be an option for me, but I know it would break my heart to give away any baby of mine, and not something I really want at all, and not something I could ever get over I think.

I don't think he would want to keep the baby, he says he's crazy about me but he's just not ready. I'm afraid if I decide to keep it then he'll walk and I'll be left on my own with the baby. I love him very much and I don't want to lose him either. I don't think he would just walk away, he's not like that, I know he'd try to support me but ultimately if he didn't want the baby I'm scared he'll feel trapped and hard done by which would lead to him resenting me and/or our baby.

Do you think maybe it could be that he's just shocked and when he calms down he might feel differently?

Oryx

Of course hes shocked. I dont know what his feelings are going to be once this sinks in. (If of course you are pregnant). This is a huge deal for both of you. BUT you have lots of time to talk and get used to the idea. Talk to him, discuss your worries, hopes and fears together so you both know how the other feels. You said yourself you cant contemplate abortion, so if you are pregnant, you are having this baby. The choice from there would seem to be whether you give the child up or not, and from what Im reading, you dont want to do that either.

I would say even though as the father, your bf has rights, this baby is inside you, and you need to make decisions that YOU can live with.

genfoley

Hmmm its a difficult situation - you don't want to have an abortion and that is your own decision. As Katie K said correctly, make a decision you can live with. The fact that your boyfriend mentioned abortion though is not good, he obviously is thinking about that as an option. To be honest I think if you have the baby he might not stay with you long term, he's too young and inexperienced in life and love - most young fellah's like to have a mix in life, out drinking with the boys, out with you as his girlfriend, late nights dancin' etc - that will all stop if a baby comes into it ! Good luck whatever you do though and remember there's always people out there to help you whatever you decide, you are not alone.

Ruu_Old

Give him a bit of time. My brother was the same, very sketchy about the idea when his wife became pregnant and then not long after they found out, he was overjoyed and very excited. Have a chat about it and realise that you have lots of people that will be tripping over each other to help you out.

Carrigart Exile

Babyboi wrote:

I think I might be pregnant and I'm very worried about how my boyfriend is taking it.

I told him last night that I was worried and we're going to do the test this evening. I'm 24 and he's only 19, the age difference never seemed a problem until now.

It wouldn't be ideal for me to have a baby now, but I feel at my age I could cope well enough and it's something I wanted to do before I turned 30 anyway. I just feel like he'd be missing out on a lot having a baby so young. On the other hand, we both have good jobs and supporting loving familes that I'm sure would give help and support.

He was completely shocked and his first response was to ask how I feel about abortion. I could never have an abortion, it's just not something I could do, but I don't condemn women who take this option either. Adoption would be an option for me, but I know it would break my heart to give away any baby of mine, and not something I really want at all, and not something I could ever get over I think.

I don't think he would want to keep the baby, he says he's crazy about me but he's just not ready. I'm afraid if I decide to keep it then he'll walk and I'll be left on my own with the baby. I love him very much and I don't want to lose him either. I don't think he would just walk away, he's not like that, I know he'd try to support me but ultimately if he didn't want the baby I'm scared he'll feel trapped and hard done by which would lead to him resenting me and/or our baby.

Do you think maybe it could be that he's just shocked and when he calms down he might feel differently?

He is a young man of 19, you have just given him news of pending ultimate responsibility; he is scared witless. First things first, check your condition, if you are pregnant don't make any decision on the child and on your relationship for a wee while, give everyone time.

Dors1976

Once you have determined if you are pregnant or not then you can talk about any decisions you need to make. There is no point talking ifs ands or buts until you know for sure.

Like the others say you never know how he will react once the baby arrives but there is no shame in being a single mom. I'm very proud of the fact that I am.

If you are pregnant you need to decide which is more important to you, him or the baby?

Do the test and then you will know one way or the other what to talk about with him.

Best of luck.

Carrigart Exile

Can I be really selfish and ask that you come back and let us know

padser

Babyboi wrote:

Do you think maybe it could be that he's just shocked and when he calms down he might feel differently?

Doubt it. If the first question he asked you was how you feel about abortion I would take that as a pretty strong that he is not particular enthusiastic about the idea of a baby.

He is 19, and while he may be crazy about you, he might not be quite as crazy about the package of you + baby. Women are meant to be hell to be with through pregnency as well, so that could be another issue on his mind.

To be honest if I was you I'd start considering what you want to do if he doesnt want to stay with you. (I mean he may pull through and be there for you - but you need to consider your worst case senario). Maybe talk to a solicitor about getting an order for child maintance etc [since you said he has a good job].

I know most people will probably tell you 'oh he will come around and it will be great etc' but the stats would prob say if he is 19 and his GF is pregnent, chances are he isnt going to stick around for the nappy changing.

LegacyUser

Test was positive, i really dont know where to go from here.

wtf123

padser wrote:

Doubt it. If the first question he asked you was how you feel about abortion I would take that as a pretty strong that he is not particular enthusiastic about the idea of a baby.

i have to fully agree with this point. if his first reaction was abortion then its not looking too good.

padser wrote:

He is 19, and while he may be crazy about you, he might not be quite as crazy about the package of you + baby. Women are meant to be hell to be with through pregnency as well, so that could be another issue on his mind.

again i have to agree with this. while things maybe good now, he's probably thinking what has he gotten himself into. he is still very young and has his whole life ahead of him and doesnt want to be held down by a ball and chain.

padser wrote:

To be honest if I was you I'd start considering what you want to do if he doesnt want to stay with you. (I mean he may pull through and be there for you - but you need to consider your worst case senario). Maybe talk to a solicitor about getting an order for child maintance etc [since you said he has a good job].

this on the other hand i think is a typical respons e from a woman( from this reply i am assuming you are a woman but apologies if you are not). the reason i am saying this is because of a few points;

1. yes it takes two to make a baby and for that yes he should pay some kind of child support

2. if he decides he wouldnt like to have the baby and has asked her to have/consider an abortion and she decides to go ahead and have the baby anyway, then he shouldnt have to have any connection to the child as in poay anything. yes he had sex and she got pregnant but it was she who wanted to keep the baby so she should provide for it.


to the OP, i have to ask... did you use protection when you had sex. do you usually use protection. are you on the pill??

you might ask why i am asking this... well if neither of you used protection then it is essentially both of you who should take responibility. if you are on the pill and thats why no condom was used then essentially he would be none the wiser and it would essentially be your responsibility if you didnt take your pill as prescribed. if he used a condom and it broke or whatever and he told you, you should have used the morning after., if he didnt tell you then you should take it up with him.

whatever the outcome i just hope you both agree on a decision and everything works out for the best. if you are pregnant the next year is going to be difficult,. more or less difficult depending on the two of you and the choices you make

Nevyn

Babyboi wrote:

Test was positive, i really dont know where to go from here.

Well first of congratulations.
Secondly you are 24 and that is certainly not too young to be having a baby.
I suggest that you make sure tat you start taking folic acid right away

On the site http://www.positiveoptions.ie/ you will be able to get in touch with agencies that will be able to help and support you in the time to come.
Their help can range from someone for you to talk to about your fears and what may happen which will help sort your head and heart out and they would have people for your bf to talk to as well if he wishes.

http://www.life.ie/ has both an email service and a help line you can call.

Now it could be that he is panicing and while you feel that at 24 you can handle this he is 19 and most men do panic.
You may have to show him that you are not going to be dependant on him and as worried and as scared as you may be you are going to have to be
strong for your sake and your child.

You may have to face the fact that you will have to do most of it with out him; but you won't be alone I am sure you family and firends will rally round.
Babies are good news.

I could be that you have to have a talk with the bf and explain you are going to do this and if he wants to be invovled, great but if he is not then you need to know so you are not expecting support from him even emotionally if he can't do that for you.

I know several guys who could not get their heads around there going to be a baby until they felt the baby move and that brought it home to them and they were suddenly over joyed.

Look after yourself babyboi for soon enough you will have a little one too look after as well and again congratulations.

Nevyn

wtf123 wrote:

to the OP, i have to ask... did you use protection when you had sex. do you usually use protection. are you on the pill??

The op certainly does not have to answer.

padser

Babyboi wrote:

Test was positive, i really dont know where to go from here.

I would suggest going to doctor

wtf123

Thaedydal wrote:

The op certainly does not have to answer.

of course she doesnt. thats why it was a question, it can be answered or not.

it would however put some things into perspective. unfortunately, alot of people think that because 2 people are in this situation that both are liable. i may sound a bit vein or even like an asshole but you have to remember that it may not have been the OP's fault that she is in this situation and it may have been only her fault.

alot of people feel that both parties should have to be involved in this because the other was not careful enough.

in some cases the man might want a baby but the woman not, and in that the woman feels that she should have the last say as it is her body. this, in my opinion is not fair. yes it is her body but it was both that got themselves into this situation. at the same time it might be the woman who wants to keep the child but the man doesnt want his offspring coming into this world yet and the woman shouldnt be allowed to just bring it into the world becauyse she feels she wants to. this swings in many ways both for and against both genders.

again at the same time i am totally against abortion unless its rape, incest or anything along those lines. and yes adoption whould be a choice but it is a very hard thing to give up a child once you have given birth to him/her.

i could argue in several different ways and in several different aspects but at the end of the day we can only give advice and thats based on what information she gives us.

so yes she doesnt have to answer it but it could give us a wider scope based on what unravels ahead.

all in all... congratulations OP. again i hope everything works out and you are happy with what ever choices you and your BF make.

Nevyn

wtf123 if you want a discussion or debate on contraception and a sliding scale of responsiblity I suggest you start a thread in the humanities forum.

That topic is off topic for this thread and it only clouds the matter is there fore unhelpful.

Off topic and unhelpful postings will get you banned from this forum.
Please take the time to read the rules as laid out in the forum charter
and abide by them while posting.
Have a nice day
Thaedydal.

LegacyUser

wtf123 wrote:

in some cases the man might want a baby but the woman not, and in that the woman feels that she should have the last say as it is her body. this, in my opinion is not fair. yes it is her body but it was both that got themselves into this situation. at the same time it might be the woman who wants to keep the child but the man doesnt want his offspring coming into this world yet and the woman shouldnt be allowed to just bring it into the world becauyse she feels she wants to. this swings in many ways both for and against both genders.

In your previous post you tell the OP that if her boyfriend wants her to have an abortion, she should have one or pay for the child alone. Now you're telling us that if the man wants a baby and the woman doesn't, it's "not fair". According to that logic, the guy is the only one who should have any say. Fairness my foot!

OP, this is a tough decision, but ultimately, it is your body, whatever you do, you will have to be happy with the final decision. If you go through with having the baby, you might well end up on your own with the baby. If you opt for abortion, it will be you lying on that table, and it will be you who might feel really bad afterwards.

Does the man come into it? Certainly. But NOT by just telling you what to do. You two really need to sit down and discuss pros and cons of each option for the three of you. There simply is no easy way out, and the sooner your boyfriend realises that, the better for all involved.

LundiMardi

OP - Congratulations on becoming pregnant, something tells me the only reason you feel down about it is because of your BF, well don't. Regardless of his age or willingness to commit, he's a big boy now and he made the decision to have sex, knowing the possibly reprocussions.

What you need to do now is think of the main priority in your life, and that it your child.

Your bf may want to be with you and support you, this would be great.. However, your bf may feel that it's all a little too much and although he might want to be a father to the child, he may not want to be your bf anymore, he may feel he's too young to play happy families. This is his decision and you must respect that, from the childs point of view it is unimportant whether or not the parents are together or not, as long as they are good parents.

Unfortunately, he may not want to be a father to the child at all.. This is his decision once again and as much as you may or may not like it, you can't force it upon him. However, as i stated, he is a big boy and made the decision to have sex, hence he has a financial responsabilty to the child, whether he likes it or not. I urge you to follow up on this, whatever his decision may be.

Lastly, stay positive!!!! You're having a baby!!

Lust4Life

OP, Congrats on the baby!


Keep in mind that your b/f will be 20 once baby arrives. That may make all the difference!

While some of you feel wtf123's comments are off topic, they do have merit in considering all of the options. However, I would also like to point out that if you feel you are old enough to be having sex, you ought to be prepared to accept the consequences that could follow.

That said, I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared for parenthood. Even if the child is planned! It is scarry stepping into territory you've never walked before!

BUT you are not the first person who has walked this road, and certainly not the last.

I hope you have a close friend you can confide in to help sort out your feelings and options as well.

Hugs,


L4L

sweet-rasmus

congratulations i'm sure your friends and family will be the best of support for you. i agree that your bf is young and will probably not be able to handle the situation very well, but with luck and time everything will seem clearer to him. i was just wondering how long you two have been going out? if your relationship has stood the test of some time, that's a start at least. good luck!

the_syco

TBH, f*ck the relationship for a second. Young man + baby have joined and seperated people. Two singles and a baby sometimes become a family, sometimes not, so IMO, its really the dude's state of mind, his friends, and family. Also what his plans are. You say good job? If you mean apprenticeship, you have to remember they can be placed anywhere. If its a "normal" job, it should be ok. If he ever talked abuot going to Oz for a year, he may be freaked out as he may think that due to baby, this will never happen. Also, does he know any lads with a baby? If yes, and they are with their missus, it stands a good chance that they'll tell him if its alright. On the other hand, if his mates are immature pr*ts, then they may slag him about the baby.

It all comes down to his state of mind, and his surroundings. Most importantly, don't pressurize him, or he may bolt and run, or do something more serious. If possible, see if you know any other young couple, so the lads can talk.

JC 2K3

Give it up for adoption or be prepared to raise it yourself. Don't ruin his life by forcing him into this. I don't agree he has financial responsibility if you decide to keep it, although the law probably differs in this respect.

kittenkiller

Congratulations Babyboi.
Try to sit back and be happy for a while before you strat worrying about any external factors.
This time next year is going to be so so different for you.
Be sure to give your boyfriend as much time as you can afford to give him to get his mind around the situation (without letting yourself go mad waiting for him to get himself together).

Adoption can be heartbreaking for all parties.
It is not a decision that can be made lightly.

Your boyfriend's reaction to you being pregnant will probably be quite different to his reaction when he sees his child for the first time, but alas you can't rely on this throughout your pregnancy if he's not supportive of you.

Both of you having supportive families will help things, at least you won't have to fight for approval or anything like that.

You can't afford to have anyone other than yourself as your main priority at the moment.
Relatioships change and progress with time. Don't make a decision based on a relationship you're in right now.
If you do something you're not 100% sure of now because you don't want to lose your boyfriend and a year later the two of you grow apart, you may be left wondering what things would've been like had you gone with your gut when you had the chance.

Best of luck.
Congratulations.

LundiMardi

No one is forcing it upon anyone, he has a choice regarding being a father or not.

People have to take responsibility for their own actions.

Carrigart Exile

Well at least you know the answer. As a man I was never consulted on when we should have children, I was told afterwards when she was pregnant. For men, their partner having a child can see them standing on the edge of a financial abyss (current divorce laws) so it is very scary, but once the little one is here the feelings of wonder and love make it a great thing to happen.

embee

OP,

I just wanted to tell you my story.

When I was 24, I found out I was pregnant. My bf was the same age, but he was JUST as freaked as yours is now. It took him a LONG time to get his head around becoming a Dad. I was like you - I wanted a baby before I was 30 (god willing) and, even though the conception wasn't planned, I was SURE as I could ever be that I was having the baby, and I was not putting her up for adoption.

My bf was supportive of this - I told him straight out that I was not having an abortion. On reflection, he probably had no real choice BUT to be supportive - he knew where I stood. He did warm to the idea though, and towards the end of my pregnancy he was so excited. Our daughter now is the apple of his eye - he thinks the sun rises and sets with her. It can be very difficult to be young and a first time parent, but you'll get through it. Financially, its a strain, but it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't be without my daughter now - I can't imagine life before her!

Congratulations on your pregnancy though - I hope your bf comes through for you (whether or not ye stay together, I hope that, at the very least, he will play some part in his childs life).

The_Conductor

OP congratulations. Sorry that you are in turmoil at the moment, things will work out. 24 is not too young to have a baby by any means- as suggested by another poster- do start to take folic acid immediately.

Best of good luck to you.

S.

Dors1976

I'm sure the OP is very confused right now and I hope that she can come to a decision that is best for her.

While it is scary at the prospect of either an abortion or raising the baby alone. The OP needs to talk to someone, I would advise her to talk to Cura or go to the Well woman Centre or her GP or even a family member. I know I did, I was 28 when I got pregnant and My ex left me 5 months pregnant and while in the early days I seriously considered ALL my options I am now a proud single mother of a 1 year old boy. Ex has no input at all except financially and while it does take some getting over being dumped when you are pregnant, I know that I'm lucky as I'd rather have no input then some idiot who would keep letting us down.

Anyway, whatever you decide I hope that you take time to make sure it is the right decision for you. I know it might seem crazy but I would talk to your mother or older sister if you have one about this, (even friends who have babies or who have had abortions). Talk through your fears or just get a pen and paper and start writing and a decision might be very obvious to you, it usually is. Definately speak to someone! Good luck!

Dors1976

JC 2K3 wrote:

Give it up for adoption or be prepared to raise it yourself. Don't ruin his life by forcing him into this. I don't agree he has financial responsibility if you decide to keep it, although the law probably differs in this respect.

If he was prepared to have sex he should be prepared to deal with any consequences! He is legally obliged to support the child if the op decides to have it.

JC 2K3

Dors1976 wrote:

If he was prepared to have sex he should be prepared to deal with any consequences! He is legally obliged to support the child if the op decides to have it.

I know he's legally obliged, but it doesn't mean it's right. I think if both partners do not agree to have a child then both do not have to support it. The mother has the extra right of keeping it, raising it as a single parent and excluding it from the father until it is 18 years old but with the options of abortion or adoption available I don't think there should be obligation on the father to support it. He should pay half the cost(at least, depending on the financial situation of the couple maybe more) of the abortion if the woman chooses to have one and that should be the only obligation.

Nevyn

JC 2K3 if you want that type of discussion take it to humanities it is offtopic here and unhelpful.

JC 2K3

^Didn't start it, but point taken.

LegacyUser

'Well he's calmed down. I explained to him that abortion is just not an option, and that I couldn't commit to adoption either. I also told him that I'd understand if he did walk away. I do love him, but this baby has to come first (I didn't tell him that of course). I told him that I'm not expecting anything from him, emotionally or financially, and I would not "ruin his life" or "trap him" as some of you suggested I would be doing.

Anyway, he's warmed to the idea, and while we're both still scared witless, we know we can do it together. He's told me he's going to support me, which is enough for me right now. We're off to the doctor together this evening, first step on this long scary road.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, you'll never know how much they meant to me.'