Just don't know how exactly to deal with...

LegacyUser

HavoK wrote:

Thank you for all the advice, it is very much appreciated. Where I go from here, it's hard to say. Obviously it's easy to read the general consensus here but at the same time I'd be lying if I said it was as easy as taking that advice.

Its never easy to break up with someone you love. Those two actions i.e. kiss & BJ indicate she wants to break free also but doesn't want to do the breaking up part.

HavoK wrote:

she simply had too much to drink and ended up in these situations.

Impossible. No amount of drink can make someone do that unless they were drugged as said earlier or unless they wanted to do it in the first place.

HavoK wrote:

She was not normally a big drinker prior to these nights out. Not that I believe it's any form of an excuse of course, but still.

But you are trying to use it as part of an excuse.

HavoK wrote:

She did not try and make up any feeble excuses and to her credit, at least she had enough respect to tell me. What I hate to think was that she easily could not have mentioned anything and to this day I would not know what went on.

Still doesn't make up for the action.

Look at the possibility that she wants to break up also but doesn't want to say it or doesn't want to do it i.e. half of her wants to but the other half is scared to do so just like you are. Nobody does that to their partner without good reason. It was not a mistake!

ferdi

orla wrote:

Crying is emotional blackmail in my opinion.

agreed, once the waterworks start, i loose all respect.
if she gives another lad head, thats it, shes gone.
your relationship is over, you can never really trust her after this, its either now or a few months down the road - it will end.

you sound like you're desperate not to let go....its up to you man but i think you know what has to be done.

brillo

HavoK wrote:

. She did not try and make up any feeble excuses and to her credit, at least she had enough respect to tell me.

She told you by text message - she didn't even have the guts to tell you in person either time - I'm sorry but I could not get over this. Also what time did she send you the text messages - was it after the party both nights when she was so drunk that she didn't know what she was doing or was it early the following morning when she woke up??

To be honest with you only for the fact that you are such a frequent poster, I would not believe you. The whole thing is quite simply one of the most bizarre things I have ever heard. Basically I cannot understand how somebody does something they feel so sorry and guilty for and goes and does something infinitely worse within the space of a week. There can be no plausible excuse for this. And as I said before to tell you by text!!!!!!!!

parliament

cystic5roses wrote:

OK fair do's to your gf for admitting she cheated twice, a kiss you can forgive your gf for but I think oral sex with a guy she met while out with friends while drunk is just a step too far...Your going to always be worrying if you stay with her....For your own sake go and find a girl who'll love you and not walk all over you

People usually admit to make themselves feel better they do it out of guilt, I wouldn't really say fair dues to her as she did something terrible, felt terrible about it the next day and then passed on this terrible feeling to someone else in order to clear her conscience and thus make herself feel better. If the girlfriend had any respect for the OP she would have taken a few days to think about her actions and decide what the best course to take was. If she expected to be with him for life and couldn't keep the secret from him, fair enough tell him and hope for forgiveness, and don't blow a guy a week later. If she wants out she should should have maybe sat down at had a talk and broken it off, leaving him broken hearted, but at least is better than being betrayed and broken hearted.

LegacyUser

Right this may sound harsh but it’s the truth whether you like it or not.
She kissed some one else ,you took her back ,no bigy.
She gives some one else a BJ and now still take her back..
Now based on your own words and comments “I cant imagine being with out her” and “I took her back for me not her” .this seems like you need her for what ever reason .your prob to use to her and the idea of letting her ago is to hard to deal with .
The bottom line is you have taken her back FOR YOU and not her. you are not given her another shot but are giving your self another shot to see if you can deal with it.
If you do take her back then you cant blame her for anything she does ie if she goes off shagging some other dude.
If you are doing something to satisfy your own needs (in this case taking her back to satisfy you needing her) then you have to live with the consequences. If you don’t like them then don’t take her back.
Its not like you don’t have a choice in the matter.
A lot of people here have said to dump her and let her go blah blah.
For those people the need to be able to trust their partner and pride has a higher priority than the need of holding on to something that they are use to.
For you its obviously the other way around .im not judging and not saying which is right or which is wrong.
Each to their own but IMO if you do take her back because as you said “you can imagine being with out her” then you cant possibly be given out to her should this happen again.
You are doing something for your self and not her so she doesn’t really owe you anything for taking her back.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Havok,
I'd agree with the general view, that her actions are not forgiveable.
IMO she should be dumped, and I'd text her to that effect.

While it will hurt to dump her, IMO the pain caused now, will save you alot more pain in the future.

I wish you luck with your choice, and nobody is judging you so you shouldnt feel the need to defend her awful actions with the old drink chesnut.

Best of luck Havok, Keep the Chin UP high.

Talliesin

Seraphina wrote:

the amount of women who dont like giving blowjobs

...probably don't include her.

Really, this has no relevance to the OP except perhaps to try to find a way to frame what happened in even worse terms so as to rub it in.

Whatever decision is made looking for worse possible ways to frame things isn't going to help (though a period of bitching like crazy about an ex can be cathartic, as long as you get over that eventually).

dellas1979

Woah woah woah Havok.

Hang on a flippin second here. I read that first post of yours and like most posters here my jaw dropped and I felt so bad for you.

After reading your last post there, Havok, I dont feel bad for you, I feel sorry for you.

You need to wake up big time.

You are sitting there at home or where ever justifying all of what she has done in your head.

You are using sentences such as:

"she's far from the cold hearted player you might envision"
"this girl.....is a lovely girl by all accounts"
"she simply had too much to drink "
"and to her credit"
"she had enough respect"

This is not good.

Havock, she is manipulating you. Darling, she is going to laugh at you all the way to the bank. If you respect yourself, you will at least have a break with her to sort your head.

Honey, she is not all those things that you have listed above. Shes not. And you need to realise that. She WAS your girl. She is NOT anymore. It will take time to get over it, and it will be very painful, but its better than she fooling you, and you fooling yourself.

Why are you scared of being on your own, at least to have a break? You need to take control of the situation Havock and you need to take control of it immediately.

DilbertPartII

Originally Posted by rs

Your relationship is doomed. As I said before, it's only a matter of time. Counselling may help, but personally I believe that once the trust is broken it can never be 100% repaired.

The longer you leave yourself in this situation, the more you will be hurt.

i agree! pretentions that everything's alright won't work. sooner or later you'd find out you aren't comfortable with the way things are. wake up soon.:)

EKRIUQ

My heart goes out to you Havok and I hope you get over her quickly

But!!!

I think we should take the situation into perspective the first night she said she snogged someone, maybe that was a damage limitation exercise to judge your reaction like what was the point in telling, was she afraid of getting found out because she was so public about??. She got away with that one but if she felt so bad about that it must have been on her mind the next night she went out.

Next night she went out she didn't just grab the first fellow she saw back straight back to the back of his car or apartment for a blowjob, Now this is where it's mind wrecking but I'm sure its after going through your head. There was chatting up, then snogging again, then heavy groping I'm sure on both sides and the story you get is she gave someone a blowjob.

This what possibly what happen (not nice to read) but personally I think it further but if she told you that she gave a blow job because she thought you would break up with her if she said she had a quickie with some random bloke because when she was giving this bloke head the next step wasn't far away and I'm sure he was looking for it.

Next point, who was this fella she gave head to if she seems such a nice girl maybe it was one of both your friends and she's always fancied him and saw her chance. The reason I writing this is because some fella is bragging to his mates about this one he pulled last week with details and friend of a friend it could get back to you.

At the end of the day it’s your decision and you’re neither the first nor the last to have to make this decision but do you really want to go through this again???

Best of luck

coffee_cake

If the first time was to be blamed on drink, then suggest that if she can't control herself when drunk she should stop drinking so much
however a second time? no. dump her.
she doesn't sound genuinely sorry at all
and by text message?! i wouldn't even be impressed if it was via phone call, never mind text

LegacyUser

I'm male. Just want to say I was in a relationship which ended many years ago. The relationship lasted for 13 years during which we were married. Like any relationship it had its ups and downs but I would NEVER have contemplated cheating on my wife and I took as gospel the fact that it would never be something she would do... We were married right???? People just wouldnt do that to another person they supposedly loved...

Anyway 4 years into the marraige a mutual friend took a huge chance and took me aside to tell me my wife had started to hang around with this really dodgy group ( as in pissheads and known local tramps ) and that I should watch more closely as it was only inevitable what the consequences would be. Without mentioning the tip off I spoke to my wife about her new found friends, she laughed at the ridiculous suggestion that friends could influence her behaviour and told me that I was being childish.

Long story short she didnt come home from a girly night out one evening because "they were all too drunk to drive" . Few weeks later same thing happened. Then she comes home one evening and tells me the next morning that she had bumped into a relation of mine in a nightclub where the girls had gone as a once off for a laugh...My instinct said she was telling me before he would.

I asked her straight out if anything was going one. She denied it.

Next night out on her own I followed her, late in the night/early morning I catch her in a car giving some guy a blow job. They drove off in panic.

She came home a few hours later, cried and begged for forgivness blah blah blah...No divorce then so had to put up with it and put it down to a mistake.

Insisted she stopped seing this crowd though which she did...A year later I came home in the middle of the day to find her and a complete stranger in our bed...He basically pushed his way past me and ran off. Another mistake she pleaded...What was I to do??? Remember no divorce!! legally cant put her out of her own home and why should I leave my home? Trust gone now but stuck in the situation.Final chance I gave her....and she seemed to work at it doing everything just right to make up for the hurt she had caused me.

Less than 2 years later I caught her again in our bed with a stranger. This time I took a hurley to the 2 of them and did some serious damage to both...I paid the price and was jailed for 3 years.

Looking back I should have gone at the first sign of infidelity. Any other response simply "OK's" the other persons right to treat you as a doormat.
Once trust is gone its as close to impossible as it can be to regain it.

My advice is to have more respect for yourself and walk away now before you become a victim of your own anger which will grow and grow as time goes on. Left long enough ity will fester and YOU will carry the most pain and hurt from this.... Get out now!

Sarah W

I've read through this thread in disbelief. One question that doesn't seem to have been asked is why she did it? OK, the kiss was bad but not a sacking offence but has she explained how and why she ended up giving the BJ?

letterman

HavoK wrote:

She went out again a week later with the same friends. I trusted her. Next morning, I got - I woke up to actually - a message - again. 'I gave somebody else a blowjob - I love you so so much, I'm so so sorry etc please don't dump me.'


This is a relationship, right. And she texts you about sucking some one off, excuse the crudity.

My advise run like the blazes to the nearest STD Clinic, get checked out and don't stop running till you get away from this messed up slag!:mad:

Chinafoot

Mr right wrote:

Right this may sound harsh but it’s the truth whether you like it or not.
She kissed some one else ,you took her back ,no bigy.
She gives some one else a BJ and now still take her back..
Now based on your own words and comments “I cant imagine being with out her” and “I took her back for me not her” .this seems like you need her for what ever reason .your prob to use to her and the idea of letting her ago is to hard to deal with .

The bottom line is you have taken her back FOR YOU and not her. you are not given her another shot but are giving your self another shot to see if you can deal with it.

If you do take her back then you cant blame her for anything she does ie if she goes off shagging some other dude.
If you are doing something to satisfy your own needs (in this case taking her back to satisfy you needing her) then you have to live with the consequences. If you don’t like them then don’t take her back.
Its not like you don’t have a choice in the matter.

A lot of people here have said to dump her and let her go blah blah.
For those people the need to be able to trust their partner and pride has a higher priority than the need of holding on to something that they are use to.
For you its obviously the other way around .im not judging and not saying which is right or which is wrong.

Each to their own but IMO if you do take her back because as you said “you can imagine being with out her” then you cant possibly be given out to her should this happen again.
You are doing something for your self and not her so she doesn’t really owe you anything for taking her back.
Best of luck.

I have to say that I agree with this post. You seem to be so afraid of being without this girl that you're making excuses for her behaviour. However, the fact that you even posted here about it says a lot.

The world will not end if you break up. Yes, you're together a long time and it can be so easy to get so comfortable that you can't imagine your life without them. You can't even remember how things were before this person was in your life. That doesn't mean that you can't be without this person though.

Your happiness should never be dependent on other people. Besides, could you really be happy with this girl after such a betrayal of trust? Like Seraphina said, you have given her a green light now for this kind of behaviour. She can do it but once she tells you and begs forgiveness you'll take her back. What happens when she gets "so drunk" that she has sex with another man? Will you be so scared of being on your own that you'll take her back?

You've admitted that you're taking her back for you, because you can't imagine being without her. Do you really believe that a relationship with no trust, in which you will most likely be miserable and always wondering, is better than no relationship at all?!

You said a few times that it's hard when you're in the situation. I agree that it can be very easy for outsiders to pass comment and that when you're in the relationship it's a whole different ball game. However, I also believe that those on the outside can often see things a lot clearer and aren't as blinded by emotion and the fear of ending a long-term relationship. Often these outsiders can talk the most sense.

Your life will not end if this relationship does. There are girls out there who don't feel the need to cheat on their partners, no matter how drunk they get. You do deserve better than this and I hope you come to that realisation and end this relationship.

Best of luck

Catari Jaguar

letterman wrote:

This is a relationship, right. And she texts you about sucking some one off, excuse the crudity.

My advise run like the blazes to the nearest STD Clinic, get checked out and don't stop running till you get away from this messed up slag!:mad:

Definitely agree with that

Chucky the tree

I dont know if this has been mentioned already.


But maybe she wants you too dump her? Some people feel guilty about breaking up with someone, so they start doing things to make the other person do it for them.

Thats the only excuse i can think off. Either that or shes as thick as ****. she cheats on you one week, then gves some fella a bj a week later and tells you it straight away? Doesnt sound normal to me.

either way get rid of her before you catch an STD. You seems like a sound lad havok, you deserve alot better then this. Get rid of her.

Setun

Chucky the tree wrote:

I dont know if this has been mentioned already.


But maybe she wants you too dump her? Some people feel guilty about breaking up with someone, so they start doing things to make the other person do it for them.

Thats the only excuse i can think off. Either that or shes as thick as ****. she cheats on you one week, then gves some fella a bj a week later and tells you it straight away? Doesnt sound normal to me.

either way get rid of her before you catch an STD. You seems like a sound lad havok, you deserve alot better then this. Get rid of her.

Seconded.
Something similar happened to me - ex started acting like a prat with drink so I would break up with her.
I'd leave the money and run tbh.

Dave!

You shouldn't have taken her back buddy. She did it once, fair enough mistakes are made. I would have broken up with her after that, but I can understand why you didn't. A second time? Dump her and move on with your life. If she were totally satisfied with the relationship then she wouldn't need to be with anyone else. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Move on mate. She did this to herself, don't take pity because she turns on the waterworks.

Beruthiel wrote:

I understood that she texted him the news. I find that appalling.

If that's the case then text her with a "cheerio".

dr.bollocko

You know no matter how much you shrink away from the right thing to do, it will keep sneaking back up on you.
You know what you need to do in this situation, and it really ****ing sucks man, but you know that that has to be that.

LegacyUser

'

dr.bollocko wrote:

and it really ****ing sucks man,

So does she....

Havok. Get rid.

Lots of years ahead. More drink.

People do not go around handing out BJ's etc when in relationships. Some do and they get dumped.

Seriously. In that short space of time? Bad news buddy.'

elexes

makes me think what type of bad things you must of done to even think you should accept what she had done as a axident . i have to admit im no saint in previous relationships i totally ****ed up .

i rember one gf of mine told me she done somthn simular to what you have experienced . needless to say i didnt speak to that girl for well over a year after i found out . took me 9 months to get over her to .

stick with her if u feel its the best . i hope your relationship goes in strait lines from this point on. tho i feel she wants out

if i was u id go off on a trip for a few days on my own. get away see no one i know and just enjoy being with my own thoughts - this dose require no mobile phone

im sure u can get a 3 day mid week break in some majour eu city cheap.
feel sorry for ya man u must be going through hell

damnyanks

Reckon she was testing how far she could push her luck. I'd dump her, doing 2 things in the same week she obviously considers cheating isn't on.

People are creatures of attachment. Just because she gets upset and cries doesnt mean she really cares. Some people just dont want to adjust to a new stage in their life.

Lorax

Dump her for christ sake. Plenty of single irish girls out there.. :-D

skywalker

Havok Im so sorry to read this man, you come across as a really nice guy on here and you just dont deserve this.

For me honestly the worst part is that she did it a second time so close after having been forgiven the first. I really dont see how you could put it behind you and trust her again. I know its so easy to say what you should do when your removed from the situation but ultimately I think you know what you have to do.

CuLT

Think I'd echo most sentiments here with "drop that chick like a hot potato".

A kiss is just a kiss; forgivable once.

But a blowjob? a week later? Taking the mick.

<snip>

tensecyclist

Wake up HavoK. There are things/people you've to let go in order for us/them to grow.:cool:

Playboy

Imo its a bad idea to listen to any advice given on here (including mine ) You are in the realtionship .. every relationship, situation and person is unique. Dont try and apply other peoples standards or values to your life. You know what the right thing to do is .. be strong and do it whether that is splitting up or staying together. Good luck dude .. its not easy.

murrayeel

Playboy wrote:

Imo its a bad idea to listen to any advice given on here (including mine ) You are in the realtionship .. every relationship, situation and person is unique. Dont try and apply other peoples standards or values to your life. You know what the right thing to do is .. be strong and do it whether that is splitting up or staying together. Good luck dude .. its not easy.

the thing that he had shared his sentiments here does mean he's ready to listen no matter what the advises are.of course he does the decision-making but that is after weighing tons of advises here.

connundrum

Skiesonfire19 wrote:

Any girls here will admit, if your boyfriend of so long said that you would be pretty bummed and if the next guy kept telling you you were beautifull you'd like him and kiss him if he tried.

... and then give him a blow job?

If he was making her feel crap then she shoulda called it a day, cheating twice in a week makes her out to be an unsavoury character.