Just don't know how exactly to deal with...

TerrorFirmer

I've been going out with my girlfriend a few years. When we met, she was totally inexperienced and a virgin. I wasn't, but not overly experienced either, but this point has some bearing on the predictament. Everything was, or so I though, perfect with our relationship. She was a very honest person, the kind of person that would tell or confide anything in me, and vice versa. She always tells me how much I mean to her, and not a day goes by when we don't talk regularly and tell each other how much we love each other. Which is why, what occured lately affects me so much.

She went out awhile back with a new group of friends, to a house party. I trusted her, so much in fact, that even though I never intended to ever, should I be told 'one of you will cheat', I would have bet my lifes savings it would have been me. The though of unfaithless on her part simply never crossed my mind - and thats not total naivity on my part, I have have other relationships that weren't quite this way, it just serves to show exactly how I felt about this girl. I wished her a good night, told her to have a good one, and went to sleep. I woke up to 'Sorry, I love you so much, I'm so sorry but I kissed someone else last night.'

At this point, I was mildly upset but nothing serious. I mean, anything can happen when you're drunk, right? Everyone makes mistakes. I told her it was ok, that I forgave her and we would forget about it, because I was willing to. She still spent an awful long time crying about it, begging me to forgive her, promising never to do it again, etc, even after I forgave her. In time however, we just stopped mentioning it and things were fine.

She went out again a week later with the same friends. I trusted her. Next morning, I got - I woke up to actually - a message - again. 'I gave somebody else a blowjob - I love you so so much, I'm so so sorry etc please don't dump me.'

This kills me. I consider oral sex, something so incredibly intimate and more so then actual sex. She's never been with anyone but me and now all of a sudden she's preformed oral sex on a total stranger. Words quite frankly cannot describe the hurt - not even close. I did something on instinct, I dumped her.

She cried. And cried, and cried and cried. She begged me to reconsider. She could not even go to work in her despair. She kept telling me how much she loved me and couldn't bear to be without me, day after day. Sadly, despite whats happened I felt the same. A week later, I took her back.

Now we are back together. And I am honestly being nice to her. But it kills me, every single day. Thinking about it, and why. Twice in a week? You'd automatically deduce that 'hey, this person clearly does not care'. But she cried for so long after each time, and after I dumped her, she was pretty much hysterical, and I know after a few years this relationship is definately not a 'lie' or a false one to any extent. She's spent the last few weeks apologising non stop. But regardless, the damage is obviously done. I don't know what to think. Everyday I think about what happened, and it gets to me in way that again, words cannot describe, I guess unless you actually experience it, the words are worthless?

I don't even know what I'm looking for, is it advice? Or just somebody with a similar experience to share some views? I can envision this as something I will never quite get over, and the relationship is certainly a shadow of its former self at best. But I still love this girl, an awful lot, too much to be able to let her go.

Oriel

I'm afriad you've just taught her that she can do what she did and get away with it. That's not right.

c - 13

I've been in similar situation before buddy and at the end of the day it really boils down to this -

• Do you feel you can still trust her ?
• Do you really believe that it was an "accident" ? It did happen twice after all
• If you were in her position would she forgive you ?
• Is the realtionship salvagable ?

Depending on your answers to those questions you should be able to decide if its worth staying or not. On thing to keep in mind is that if you do make up your mind to go that no amount of crying or pleading should be enough to make you change your mind. Remember that some woment use tears everytime something goes wrong, it make guys feel bad seeing a woman cry.

Either way i sympathise with you man, it really is a horrible situation to be in. Hope it all works out.

Beruthiel

HavoK wrote:

She went out again a week later with the same friends. I trusted her. Next morning, I got - I woke up to actually - a message - again. 'I gave somebody else a blowjob - I love you so so much, I'm so so sorry etc please don't dump me.

So one week she goes out and kisses someone, you're upset, she's sorry, it's sorted.
One week later she's giving someone a b.j.

Fair play to you for giving her a third chance, I'd have dumped her ass. That may sound a bit OT, but I know myself pretty well when it comes to this and I don't believe I could ever forget. I know it would eventually ruin the relationship anyway, so I'd just be saving us both further grief.

You say you love the girl too much to let her go, I wonder is she taking advantage of that fact?

BobTheBeat

Its an awful situation you find yourself in. Most people would probably advise you to end it with her and save yourself the heart ache in the long term. But you feel you've invested too much in the relationship to just let it go.

But I guarantee you,the events will never be forgotten. No matter how much she apologises and grovels in front of you and you feel you can forgive her,you never truly will. Thats the thing about deep rooted feelings, like love,hate etc..., the are treacherous betraying bastids. Even when you feel like you've managed to lighten the heartache,it always has a way of clawing its way back.

Granted, you might continue on happily for the next few years and maybe even further,but it will remain as a dark little cloud at the back of your mind.

IMO, you should end it with her. Seeing as you appear to not enjoy the grovelling (as it sounds pretty pathetic tbh), and the real deep seated emotion that brought you two together may have somewhat disspated, you should save yourself (and her), the unpleasantries that will exist in the future. Cheating with a kiss the first time, perhaps, you could learn to forgive. Cheating with a sexual act the second time, is very difficult and requires a certain amount of 'emotional abandon' on the part of the victim.

The best of luck to you in the future,nobody deserves this kind of ****e in their lives

Sleepy

Dump her tbh. She deserves to feel like **** about what she did to you.

Cheating on you twice in a week? Maybe she does love you but she's clearly not ready to be in a commited relationship. She's getting drunk and giving in to the voice in her head that's telling her she should have played the field more before getting tied down.

If you stay in this relationship, what's going to happen next is either:

a) she's going to keep cheating on you. (and maybe not telling you in future)
b) she's going to stop cheating on you but grow to resent you for the fact she never got this out of her system when she was younger.
c) you'll never get the image of her sucking some randomer off out of your head and you'll grow to hate her

The girl needs to be single for a while. You need someone who'll treat you with more respect. End it.

LegacyUser

HavoK wrote:

She went out again a week later with the same friends. I trusted her. Next morning, I got - I woke up to actually - a message - again. 'I gave somebody else a blowjob - I love you so so much, I'm so so sorry etc please don't dump me.'

I have to say my jaw dropped when I came to this part of your post. Like you I would consider oral even more intimate than sex.

I know if it was me, I would never be able to forgive this, especially since it seems to have been such a random act (which would suggest it might happen again), and also since she had just finished crying over kissing some guy. How can you ever trust her again?

Kintarō Hattori

Wow Man,
I really feel for you, that's truely heart breaking stuff. To be honest a kiss can be something dismissable but to give someone oral sex and within a week of having betrayed your trust the first time is pretty inexcuseable.

She did something she shouldn't have done, apologised and cried and you forgave her. She did something wholly inexcuseable within a week of the first incident and cried and apologised and you took her back. Honestly what is to stop her doing something again and do you feel you could cope with another incident? I'm a patient understanding guy and I could let a kiss go, but to give someone else oral sex is not something minor and is a very intimate act as you pointed out. What must have been going through her mind, how did she excuse herself?
The real thing here is trust. In performing oral sex on someone else she has betrayed your trust. Not just once, but twice. There's always a possibility she'll do something again. Could you live with the pain of that?

I really do feel for you Havok. Hope you get over this!
Fair play to you for staying regged!

Nalz

Beruthiel wrote:

So one week she goes out and kisses someone, you're upset, she's sorry, it's sorted.
One week later she's giving someone a b.j.

Fair play to you for giving her a third chance, I'd have dumped her ass. That may sound a bit OT, but I know myself pretty well when it comes to this and I don't believe I could ever forget. I know it would eventually ruin the relationship anyway, so I'd just be saving us both further grief.

You say you love the girl too much to let her go, I wonder is she taking advantage of that fact?

Agreed 100%. Read your own post again OP. This will eat you up regardless of how considerate and loving guy you are. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to get rid pronto for good. The fact you came on here is a step in the right direction I think. Take a step back, realize what situation your in. What would you tell a good mate in your situation? Its tough when she was so faithful in previous years...but the baby was let out of her cage and didnt grow up!! The term sheep and shepards spring to mind man.

TerrorFirmer

Thanks guys, I really appreicate the replies. I had meant to post this unregistered but no big deal, I've nothing to be ashamed of I suppose. It's strange how you always read about these problems day in day out whilst at the same time you never think its something that will ever truly happen to you.

I know I have to re-evaluate things and regarding taking her back, it wasn't so much for her because of the tears, it was for me - myself, because of how I feel about her and didn't want to be without her. Even after this, while I obviously resent her for whats she's done, I still feel pretty damn strongly about her - it's hard to make the clear cut 'dump her' and be done with it. Again, it's one of those things that is never quite as easy as it sounds when you're in the circumstance yourself.

Anyway - thanks again.

jdivision

I hate to bring this up OP but what are the chances it was the same guy both times?
I can only sympathise, horrible situation to be in.

aidan_walsh

jdivision wrote:

I hate to bring this up OP but what are the chances it was the same guy both times?
I can only sympathise, horrible situation to be in.

That crossed my mind as well.

Havok, if it was me I wouldn't be so fast to forgive in these circumstances. A drunken kiss you can put down to "one of those things", but I can't see how she can possibly say that performing oral sex on someone else within a week was just another mistake.

it's hard to make the clear cut 'dump her' and be done with it.

Obviously, but it can be done. You just have to decide if thats what you want to do.

Beruthiel

HavoK wrote:

it's hard to make the clear cut 'dump her' and be done with it. Again, it's one of those things that is never quite as easy as it sounds when you're in the circumstance yourself.

I can assure you, from experience, it's never easy to finish a relationship with someone. It's a very painful process that will take months to get over.

You basically have to make the decision, forgive and forget or finish it. Neither decision will be easy.

super_furry

I think I could forgive a drunken snog if it was a one off, but after what she did, there would be no going back for me. You'll never be able to trust her again, she'll think she's able to emotionally manipulate you and I'd imagine that it would just be a matter of time before she does something else. For your own sake, get away from her.

seamus

Beruthiel wrote:

That may sound a bit OT, but I know myself pretty well when it comes to this and I don't believe I could ever forget. I know it would eventually ruin the relationship anyway, so I'd just be saving us both further grief.

That's pretty much how I feel. Even a drunken kiss I couldn't forgive. It would just sit there like a thorn in my side and eventually break the whole relationship down, no matter how much I wished to forgive the other party.

To be honest, it sounds like maybe she is crazy about you but there's this early-twenties, sexually awakened little girl who gets released when she opens herself up. This kind of thing will continue. How low will she have to go before you get rid of her? STDs? Pregnancy?

bugler

Havok might have settled on his approach for now, and I rarely post here at all, but I want to post on this one.

I think you're going to get more text messages after this. I know what it's like to feel sick when someone says something to you that hurts more than anything physical could. In fact, it becomes physical.

Break this down logically (I know..). She cheated on you one night (effectively), it was tame (provided she told the truth). People do have a drunken kiss...the majority of relationships will suffer this I'd say, whether it comes to light or not is another matter.

She was apparently very upset. Very, very upset for a kiss it seems, especially considering you'd forgiven her. So upset that she'd never do something like that again. Except she went and did worse. Far worse, not only because of the act performed, but because it was a WEEK later.

Havok, this situation reeks badly. It's just not right...not just in the obvious sense - but the vibe from this whole situation is meesed up. She does these things and then seems to tell you immediately...and without hesitation.

Does she drink much?

I spent a period of time in an up and down relationship..and I learned in a very hard way that some people can be just as cruel and inconsiderate as they can be loving and compassionate. Some people are bad for you.

You might need to ask her to tell you why she did these things rather than how sorry she is. She might be having regrets because she does love you but because she's inexperienced the opportunities out there for a woman are just too good to refuse. Twice in a week? This relationship is not healthy, and all the sorries and forgiveness in the world won't change that.

tbh

Havok, I feel for ya mate. What I would be thinking is - You don't just suddenly find yourself giving someone a blow job - There's the flirting stage, the kissing stage, the "petting" stage and then the oral sex stage. At any point she should have copped on, but she didn't. This despite the fact that she had recently cheated on you, which would normally have the effect of making her super-faithful, at least for a couple of months. The fact is, either she can't, or she doesn't want, to be faithful.

I won't say that you should break up with her - thats down to you - but I know I could certainly never trust her again, and without trust, whats the point?

at the end of the day, you're a good guy, and you deserve better.

kaimera

Deserve betta indeed sonny.

On first reading your OP, I got the feeling that when she said she kissed him, it was a lie and she has actually gone down on him but hadn't the courage to tell you then, trying to gauge yer reaction Just me perhaps.

Clearly it's messing your head or else you wouldn't have posted. Only real closure is probably to dump her and move on.

Marksie

Hi Havok,

I have to admit my jaw dropped initially as well when i read the last part. At the beginning i thought yeah it may have been a drunken kiss.

I have been in the position you were in the past and as it was meant to be a closed relationship it did break the trust completely.

It was very similar, the guilt after and the never happen again etc.

for you it did, and within one week and with increasing "severity".


I wonder if it is a yearning to be free but then wanting to hold onto what she has.

But Havok, you will have to consider whether to end it, continue as is or move to a more open style of relationship.
I am not going to recommend a, b or c as in the end it is what is going to be the best for you... and i have to say that it is yourself you should put first now as the situation as is seems to be absolutely killing you

But i can fully sympathise with you.

mad m

Have to say I nearly chocked when I read part about BJ....I dont know Havok,can only imagine what is going through your head.If it was me I'd be thinking,did she swallow,what did he do to her etc....

Im sorry but the trust is long gone and probably never to return. If you stay with her,this situation will keep coming up over and over if you argue about something and it will probably eat away at you day in day out. You will probably end up hating each other as time goes on(who knows)....

Goodluck...

Talliesin

Okay, you've two main options - to break up or not to break up.

Ultimately nobody can really help you with that because what's acceptable is between a couple and what's forgivable is for the individual to decide.

You seem to want to not break up, which is fair enough given all the other things between the two of you (i.e if it wasn't for this incident you'd still be happy).

If you do decide not to break up, you're going to have to get to the bottom of what was going on so that it doesn't keep happening with the result that you end up breaking up anyway, or become increasingly miserable in a relationship where she is continually doing things that aren't acceptable.

After all its not like anyone trips on an undone shoelace and accidentally gives someone a blowjob.

That said, people do sometimes act well beyond the boundaries that they would normally place on their behaviour with a single indescretion and never do it again. If you decide not to break up with her I sincerely hope this is the case here.

Much more likely though, especially given the escalation from a snog to oral sex in the space of a week, is that there's something she's not happy about.

It could just be a matter of you being her only lover and a degree of curiousity about what things would have been like if she'd had a wider variety of experiences. It's natural enough to be curious about this, though of course that doesn't justify acting on such curiousity in such a manner, and if this is the case then she could very well have come to the opinion that she's better off being in a long-term relationship with you than having further encounters like the one she mentioned.

It could be that there's something else in the relationship, possibly sexual, possibly not, that she's unhappy about.

Its even possible that in part she hoped that you would dump her or perhaps return the slight by doing something with another woman and in so doing leave her feeling justified in dumping you.

If this was the case it wouldn't necessarily even be a matter of her being unhappy per se, but perhaps just scared as the degree of commitment the two of you have for each other means that you are increasingly investing in each others lives and there can be natural concerns as to whether she's made the right choice - concerns that could be perhaps be easily assuaged if only she were to vocalise them.

If you talk to her about what is going on and if she has any fears or unhappiness it could lead to a situation where she is complaining about something about you or your behaviour while you are still stinging from the infidelity, which will obviously be hard to deal with. Relationship counselling may be a better approach than the two of you trying to just deal on your own.

It could also happen that she doesn't want to talk about it, or can't put her finger on anything then that could be more difficult still.

And if it really was just a moment of crazy behaviour, that may make it more difficult to come to a position of trust than if there was something you could identify as the source of the problems and deal with.

However, if you don't break up but also don't examine what happened you've no reason to think it won't happen again, and even if it doesn't you know you've no reason to think it won't happen again, which will make coming to a renewed position of trust very difficult indeed.

Faith

Sleepy wrote:

Cheating on you twice in a week? Maybe she does love you but she's clearly not ready to be in a commited relationship. She's getting drunk and giving in to the voice in her head that's telling her she should have played the field more before getting tied down.

I agree with this completely. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, HavoK, it sounds appalling. I've never been in your exact situation, but I've been in a somewhat similar one and it just hurts like a bítch. To this day, I haven't forgetten the pain, and it happened a long time ago. I took the person back, probably to my detriment.

You need to look to the future. If you stay with her, part of you will always be angry and resentful, and this will eat away at you. I don't want to advise you to break up with her, or stay with her, because that's your decision.

jellie

marksuttonie wrote:

I wonder if it is a yearning to be free but then wanting to hold onto what she

Thats exactly what i thought. As the phrase goes "wanting her cake & eating it too". Shes wants to go out & have her fun, but then gets scared at the thought of losing her relationship & so cries & begs to keep it, then as soon as she felt safe again went off & cheated again.

Personally, id have a hard time forgiving the kiss, but i suppose when youve years invested in a relationship you might not want to ruin it over a drunken mistake. But to have even just kissed someone within a week of it would be reason enough for dumping, nevermind a bj.

As others have said, it comes down to trust. Can you ever trust her again? Or will this eat away inside you? If the trust is gone the relationship is already over, & will end eventually, its just up to you whether its now or in a few months/years.

The Sweeper

As others have said, Havok, you need to get to the bottom of WHY your girlfriend is kissing and blowing other men. It would be incorrect to decide that your girlfriend is cheating on you just because she's an evil bitch.

If she's so willing to be honest about what she's doing, then she should be amenable to talking to you about why she's doing it. And if you're going to have that conversation with her, you need to be prepared for what comes out of it. It may well be that your girlfriend is having a rocky patch regarding how in love with you she is. Chances are she loves you very much, which would explain the brutal honesty, the fact that she's so distraught when you split with her that she literally begins grieving. But she may not be in love with you any more.

If someone cheats, there is something wrong in the relationship. The cheating party can be extremely penitent afterwards, and be truly sorry for what happened. However, if what was originally wrong is still wrong, then nothing has changed. There's no point trusting your partner if whatever prompted them to cheat the first time hasn't gone away - it's a road to nowhere for you and pointless for them.

People often say 'once a cheater always a cheater' - I don't believe that - or at least I think it's vastly over simplified. Yes if someone cheats because of X, and six months later X still applies, then yes they may well cheat again.

The upshot is if you can't figure out why your girlfriend is doing this, there's no point taking her back because it will just happen again.

justsomebloke

hey havok really sorry to hear about this dude.

The one thing I would ask though is she still going out with this new set of friends that she has. If she is it could be peer pressure that may have caused her do to it ( I know she is old enough to know better but sometimes people just try their hardest to fit in with new friends and what they would "normally" do on a night out)

but as suggest by other I would ask her why she flet it ok to go with some else after only cheating on you the week before and saying she was sorry then

connundrum

Well like others, my jaw dropped.. wow.

After all of this trauma (and it is trauma), I would suggest that you need to take time to consider things. You've been with the girl for ages and now she has dealt two body blows in a very short space of time. You need to be able to step back and take stock.

I would suggest a long enough period of 3-4 months. In this time you can live your life, and decide if you need/want her in it. That time will help you to get closure about what happened (if closure is what you're seeking). It will give her time to reflect on what she's done, why she has actually done it, and whether or not she actually wants you (or it its a case that she's simply afraid to be alone).

It is so hard to think of these issues when you see your partner every day. You don't want to be mentally trying to get over her actions while she's sitting next to you watching a DVD.

Without a break, there will be many unresolved issue floating around..
- You'll be wondering if she even does love you, as will she.
- You'll be trying your best to trust her, but will probably find it impossible to do.
- She may/may not cheat on you for a 3rd time, which will hurt you more.

I wouldn't suggesting completely breaking contact altogether, as communication may be the healing tool. I'm sure you want to ask her a lot of questions - ie. why she would even cheat on you in the first place etc? Why didn't she just break up with you if she wanted to see other lads? If she was so sorry after the first cheat, why did she do it not a wet week later? etc..

If after the 3-4 months you still want her, and she still wants you, then you should go for it. And give it a good go.

If ye decide that the relationship is over then it is over. At least no one was hurt further, and you won't have to go through a messy breakup as you've been apart for a coupla months already.

Either way, best of luck with it. You have to look after number one!

Black Swan

Hi HavoK! The drunken kiss would not have been a big deal for me, although I would have made a scene (but then promptly forgotten about it). The other thing is something else. I would have exploded for sure, and it would have been hard to forget. Separation would have happened too, just like you did. Not sure after that... If I truly loved the other person, and I believed they loved me too, I would struggle with it. I guess if I took them back, I would have to sit down with them and draw a line in the sand. "Cross it again, and it's over forever!" Mean it, and follow through if it happens again.

Both times it occurred when she was drunk? If so, one of my conditions would be that they could never get drunk again unless I was with them. Enforce the one drink rule when she is out without you. Sounds rough, but necessary if she tends to lose control with more.

Oh, if you need a laugh after all of this, make sure to come over to TCN and join in. Your contributions to our silly madness are always welcome!

Ickle Magoo

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Both times it occurred when she was drunk? If so, one of my conditions would be that they could never get drunk again unless I was with them. Enforce the one drink rule when she is out without you. Sounds rough, but necessary if she tends to lose control with more.

I think trust is the glue that holds relationships together...if I ever have to follow my partner around as I can't trust what they will do in my absence then the relationship is already over...

Havok, I can imagine how hurt you are but you need to get to the bottom of your gf's behaviour. Kissing someone else while in a relationship, coming clean with buckets of remorse & then puting another mans cock in her mouth a week later sounds like very odd behaviour to me. Not sure what her motivation is but I don't think it's the actions of a loving, caring gf who sees you in her future. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hey Havok really sorry to hear about the situation you have found yourself in, I know personally something like that would destroy me and there’s no way I would have taken her back not even with the kissing some other guy part something like that would deeply affect me and even reading your post I feel the pain you must be going through.

I think in some way because you were comfortable in the relationship you are still hanging on to it and it’s a comfort thing. Personally I think you need to make a clean break give yourself time to get over this because you will never forget what she has done and id say the image will always be there in your mind too. I think over time this will turn to hatred of her for what she has done and honestly I can see no way that your relationship can continue.

As you say a BJ is such an intimate thing and really I would have told her where to go. Move on and time will heal, she doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve what she did. She now thinks that she can walk all over you and that’s wrong. Have a deep think about it and you will know yourself. Either way -whatever you choose I wish you the best of luck nobody deserves that. Take care.

Catari Jaguar

Oh god. Classy girl there... same guy? I don't understand how she could do that to you. Seems like it came out of nowhere. And to tell you BY TEXT message!!? That's bad too. I wouldn't even be able to look at her never mind kiss that mouth *shudder* I don't think you should have taken her back cos she felt bad. Obv not bad enough cos b1tch did it again. She might have been looking for a reaction from you. Or as someone else said, want to try new stuff but know you'll be there for her too. Having her cake and eating it. I think she deserves to feel like sh1t. No way in hell I would forgive that. Maybe the kiss, but I still would have trust issues. That's my opinion anyways.

Also, what kind of friends is she going out with that aren't going "Eh... yea, had a bit much there? Blowjob? No, not a good idea, you know with the relationship n all..."

Black Swan

Ickle Magoo wrote:

I think trust is the glue that holds relationships together...if I ever have to follow my partner around as I can't trust what they will do in my absence then the relationship is already over...

While I agree with Ickle Magoo that trust is key to meaningful relationships, at the same time, she already admits to her breach of trust afterwards, which suggests perhaps a deeper problem? Drinking to excess can be a signal of a deeper problem, but then again, drinking could also be the problem. Alcohol is a drug, and drugs can take hold of a person once addiction starts to take over. From your post, I cannot tell if drinking is a chronic problem, or a recent one...

Ickle Magoo

Many millions of girls manage to go out & get plastered without finding another mans penis in their mouth at any stage in the proceedings...I agree her behaviour certainly points to deeper seated issues but alcohol is a lame & immature excuse for doing anything other than getting drunk.

rs

Wow.

I can't even believe you are even considering taking her back.

A kiss, to me is a betrayal and one I would have a hard time forgiving. Sure it's only just a kiss, but that's not the point. The betrayal is much more important than the act itself. It's all about trust.

A bj within a week. That's just madness. How could you ever even comtemplate trusting her again? If there is no trust, there is no relationship. It's always just a matter of time. Every single time she goes out, you'll be wondering if she has some random stranger in her mouth. That's no way to live. It will eat you up.

Try to put your feelings for this girl aside for just a minute and show yourself a little respect. No-one deserves to be treated the way you have. Please don't give her the chance to do it again.

Raskolnikov

I would try and find out why she ended up with another fella before making any judgements. Maybe it's something that's not right with your relationship? Maybe it's a problem either you or her has?

Elessar

She is only going to do it again. I guarantee you. By taking her back, twice, you have made it acceptable ("Well, its only sex, and my boyfriend took me back last time, besides I'm drunk LOL")

You will only hurt yourself more if you do not break up with her for good. I realise that is difficult, but you're only in for more pain.

Seriously, take a step back and look what has happened to you.

Raskolnikov

Elessar wrote:

She is only going to do it again. I guarantee you.

You can't guarantee that.

I think the girl deserves to be heard out. If you want to dump her after that, fair enough.

LegacyUser

'

You can't guarantee that.

no but there is a huge possibility!

shes already 'done it again'

she cheated he forgave

she cheated again he forgave


pattern? ? ?'

Marksie

I know its slightly off tpopic..but what about her friends..they were the same ones who she went out with last time. if she was rip roaring drunk didn't they know and weren't they there to stop it?

Havok, i really do hope you come through this

Saint_Mel

Jebus thats harsh!

My two cents ...

I'd personally have a zero tolerance approach to something like that.

Even if it was only the drunken kiss I'd have a hard time dealing with
that and might have made a separation for a while to see if I could
get over it, but after seeing the 2nd text !!!!

Ring her up ... "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

As for the tears ... its not as if cry me a river will makes things all
rosy in the garden again, and obviously she didn't think much of her
own apology to go out and do something like that!

sweet-rasmus

be careful - being in a relationship is a comfortable way to be. it may sway you, though your heart definetly seems heavy on the matter. good luck with dealing with whichever choice you make.

onemanband

Havok, I feel very sorry for you on this. I think you have lots of people on boards who care for you are you should listen carefully to their advice.

I think you are unfortunately between a rock and a hard place. You obviously love this girl and that is the reason you have taken her back. You have now found yourself in a no win situation.

Fo me if you stick with this girl you will never regain the happiness you once had. It will get better than it is now but never back to the way it was.

On the other hard if you dump her you will create a huge void in your life and major pain and heartache. The difference here is that you will have given youself the chance of regaining that feeling you had before with someone new who is more worthy of your love.

By staying with this girl you also run the risk of her hurting you again.

It was a blowjob for God's sake. As intimate a thing for a woman to do as there is. For your own self respect and to not allow yourself to compromise on your happiness, you must let her go!!!

Seraphina

a kiss i could forgive, oral sex? a week later? she clearly wasnt as sorry as she claimed.

fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

seriously, you've now given her the green light to do whatever the **** she wants, cause as long as she cries enough, you'll take her back.
dump her and dont take her back for at least six months.
that'll give you both time to think and get some perspective on this.

daiixi

Havok, from what I've seen of you around this place you seem like a good bloke. I'd love your girlfriend to tell her side of the story though.

TerrorFirmer

Thank you for all the advice, it is very much appreciated. Where I go from here, it's hard to say. Obviously it's easy to read the general consensus here but at the same time I'd be lying if I said it was as easy as taking that advice.

Again, as with even myself and reading other peoples threads, it's harder to judge the situation without being in it - this girl, apart from this mess, is a lovely girl by all accounts. Not that that has any bearing on the decision I hate to make, but she's far from the cold hearted player you might envision reading the initial post. Which serves to only make it worse I suppose.

Thanks again. I'll have to see where I go from here.

Daiixi - she simply had too much to drink and ended up in these situations. Again, the kiss is not something I'd be too hung up on as we're all human and with these new circumstances things often happen outside of our intentions. It's obviously more so the second time, in fact entirely, that is the problem, as well taking into account the first time in light of the second act. She was not normally a big drinker prior to these nights out. Not that I believe it's any form of an excuse of course, but still. She did not try and make up any feeble excuses and to her credit, at least she had enough respect to tell me. What I hate to think was that she easily could not have mentioned anything and to this day I would not know what went on.

Talliesin

If drink makes someone act so far against your own ethics, they shouldn't drink.

Kobie

HavoK wrote:

- she simply had too much to drink and ended up in these situations.

Well it sounds like you're making her excuses for her and have made up your mind what to do. You're most likely too scared of life without her to think about dumping her, but I'd bet good money that it'll be a long long time before you can ever kiss her without thinking about where those lips have been.

Without knowing either of you I'd say you're both young and inexperienced and (she at least) want experiences with other people. It's probably only a matter of time before it falls apart.

I feel for you, but sometimes you just need to know when to throw in the towel and leave with some dignity before it gets really messy.

the_syco

Dude, kick her to the kerb. I'd have a problem with the kiss, but going down on some dude: no. You said you trusted her before? Now you'll be waiting for the next text. Not worth it.

Seraphina

something else to add.
with the amount of women who dont like giving blowjobs, even to their long term partners and husbands, how can you not be disgusted that she did it to a random stranger?
i wouldn't do that even if i was single!

me and the biz

Bro, seriously for your own good get rid of her. It might seem like a really hard thing to do- just end it like that but years down the line you'll be thinking 'Why did I even wait a few days?'

daiixi

Havok: Ta.
To be honest I give her credit because she told you. This is a bad situation with no easy solution for either of you. Perhaps she should make a break from these new friends of hers and lay off the drink.
Whatever you both decide, good luck.

Stench Blossoms

Was in a similar situation myself. I was never able to get it out of my head. They said they were sorry and cried and cried and i felt so sorry for him because i thought that because he was so upset about it that he would never do it again. Little did I know.

Crying is emotional blackmail in my opinion.