How to get the trust back?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, kinda long story I have here, but its basically been driving me crazy, and I dont feel confident going to my friends about it, so Im just gonna put it out there.
Theres no need for a big spiel on the background of it, so basically, from July 2005 to around the same time in 2006, I was with this girl (Jen). Now, it wasnt that I was with her, it was a long distance thing, I was in Galway, she was in Dublin. We talked like everyday, and eventually I completely fell in love with the girl, after she felt the same for me. I didnt see her much during the year, but we still had a really good relationship, even without the physical side. That doesnt really matter though. So last July, it was her 19th, and I went to Dublin to see her for it. It was really good, because I hadnt seen her for a while before I went there for her birthday, and it was nice just to be with her again.
We're in a pub in Temple Bar, and theres a rake of her friends there, mostly lads I didnt know, so while she was like talking to everyone around the place, I started chatting one of my friends from Dublin(Sorcha) at the bar. Sorcha was Jens friend aswell, like me and Sorcha met because of Jen I guess (same Gaeltacht). Anyway, we're gettin on amazingly like, drinking away, havin a laugh. I probably got a bit too drunk though, and well, on my way back from the bathroom I met her and I guess we both kinda messed up. It was just a kiss, and I was absolutely polluted, as was she. We more or less realised too late what had happened. Spent the rest of the night sh*tting it. Jens best friend found out, and I knew nothing good was going to come of it.
Told Jen the next day, and she seemed cool, but after a while she got more persistent about what happened. Dont blame her really. At this time, I thought I really liked Sorcha, so I ended up being a complete and utter bastard to the girl I loved, getting really irritant whenever the topic was brought up. It got so bad, that Jen told me that she couldnt be in a relationship with a guy who cant be honest. This was her best friend blowing things completely out of proportion, basically making the girl hate me.
One thing ye should know, is that what happened that night was the most "unlike me" thing Ive ever done. Never cheated on a girl before then, and I have no intention to make a mistake like that again. Ive always respected women, but for one mistake, it felt like I was given a death sentence.
At first, I didnt mind the whole Jen not talking to me thing, but by the end of August I was practically ripping my hair out because I was such an idiot. It wasnt until maybe 2 weeks ago that I summoned the courage to talk to her. After sending her an email explaining everything I did, and how it was pretty much destroying me, I talked to her on msn for a while. She told me that she really misses me, but what I did to her was the worst thing anyone has ever done, and I'm not actually surprised. We came to a conclusion, I guess, and she accepted my apology, but she made it clear that to fix up what we had, even as friends, would take time. I love the girl now as much as I did when I went to her birthday, before all this crap happened, and I so want her to know that it would never ever happen again, but Im actually afraid to bring it up again, to me its like opening an old wound, messy and painful. Im pretty sure she still has big feelings for me, even after what I did, but I really want to go back to what we had.
Do you guys think time is the best remedy here? Anybody ever have an experience kinda like this? Any help would be much appreciated, thanks!

Black Swan

Flowers? Make a special trip to hand deliver them to her in Dub? Maybe a long luncheon on a weekend to share your feelings with her? Be very polite and considerate of her feelings and expect nothing in return?

LegacyUser

'Trust is earned not given.

I don't think there is anything in particular you can do to earn her trust again - maybe try not being a$$hole again. Think about if you were in her shoes and she kissed some fella and told you it was just a drunken kiss - would you trust her again straight away?

Time is the only remedy here.

I'd say a bit of what Blue_Lagoon said could help also but be careful it might be too much too soon.

The only thing that you have going for you I suppose is that you told her the next day.'

cluborange86

well i was in a kind of similar situation. i didnt cheat but i got back with an ex after we broke up but then ended getting back with my gf but didnt tell her bout the ex and she found out. i tried everything to get the trust back, flowers, letter everything i could think of.

its prob the hardest thing to get back once youve lost it, especially when your not really talking to them or being around them. now me and my ex barely acknowledge each other around college its a real pity maybe we will be friends in the future i dunno. i've asked her to meet up a couple of times just so i could say things and move on but shes refused to which i guess is fair cause i hurt her so much

basically what im trying to say is that you've a really hard task ahead of you i hope you'll manage to get the trust back cause i know how easy it is to make a mistake, i believe in second chances so i hope it works out for ya buddy. if it does tell me your secret!

LegacyUser

'Cheers for the suggestions Blue_Lagoon, but shes one of those girls that doesnt really go for the whole flowers thing. Im headin to Dublin next week sometime, so Im gonna try and meet up with her, like on her own so we can, I dont know, flatten things out.
hmmmm, to be 100% honest with ya, if she was with some guy the night of her birthday, I really wouldnt have stressed too much about it. Thats something Ive thought about alot since it happened, and not just because I wanted to point out that she was overreacting. I mean, I knew that she loved me, so if something like that happened, under the same circumstances, ie. drunk, I wouldnt think too much of it. Its just that once I told her she started thinking that everything I told her, how much I loved her, how much I wanted to stay with her, was all ****e basically.
cluborange86, was your gf angry because you moved on, or was it that she thought your relationship wasnt fully over? At least Ive found someone else who believes in second chances anyway! Its just so weird, yknow, for a 5 second mistake, I'm paying for it for months. I mean, I understand how I hurt her so much, but when I told her it meant nothing, I just went straight through her. Cant believe Ive managed to screw it up so bad!'

Chinafoot

issueoftrust wrote:

At this time, I thought I really liked Sorcha, so I ended up being a complete and utter bastard to the girl I loved, getting really irritant whenever the topic was brought up. It got so bad, that Jen told me that she couldnt be in a relationship with a guy who cant be honest. This was her best friend blowing things completely out of proportion, basically making the girl hate me.

Okay, no offence, but this all sounds incredibly immature. You snogged your girlfriend's mate, then acted like a bastard to your girlfriend when she brought it up because you were more interested in her friend and the girlfriend then dumped you for this behaviour but now you're saying that it was all her best mate's fault for blowing it out of proportion?!

Not exactly very loving behaviour. You should consider the possibility that it wasn't so much what you did the night of her birthday, but rather your behaviour afterwards that made her finish things.

issueoftrust wrote:

At first, I didnt mind the whole Jen not talking to me thing

Yeah, sounds like you were really in love with her. :rolleyes:

issueoftrust wrote:

hmmmm, to be 100% honest with ya, if she was with some guy the night of her birthday, I really wouldnt have stressed too much about it. Thats something Ive thought about alot since it happened, and not just because I wanted to point out that she was overreacting.

How was she overreacting? Her boyfriend snogged her mate at her birthday party. Personally I know I'd be pretty pissed off. Also, it's incredibly easy to say "oh if she did it to me I wouldn't care", however it can be a completely story when it actually happens.

issueoftrust wrote:

Its just so weird, yknow, for a 5 second mistake, I'm paying for it for months. I mean, I understand how I hurt her so much, but when I told her it meant nothing, I just went straight through her. Cant believe Ive managed to screw it up so bad!

If you have any chance of getting this girl back then you need to drop the "woe is me" attitude. You messed up. Stop focusing on the "5 second" kiss itself and remember how you were suddenly into her mate and, as you admitted yourself, treated your girlfriend badly as a result. Of course she's going to feel hurt and reluctant to trust you again - what self-respecting girl wouldn't?!

Look, you messed up. Yeah, we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect but it sounds like you treated her quite badly after it happened and you can't really expect her to just forget about it, especially when you consider the fact that you didn't seem to care when the two of you stopped talking after the break up.

If you are serious about wanting her back then you need to respect whatever decision she makes on this and you need to let her get there in her own time if she does decide to give you another chance.

Be patient with her and be 100% that she is what you want and that you aren't going to treat her like crap if someone else takes your fancy. You should also remember that it's very easy to say you love someone. You didn't show her that you love her and, to be perfectly honest, showed her quite the opposite with how you acted after the incident. Don't be so quick to throw such a serious word around as people will gethurt.