To soon after split ???

LegacyUser

Hi,

My marriage ended recently. It's amicable enough (although the lead up the the split wasn't) we just realised that we didn't love each other and had become very different people. we were together 5 years (married for 1)

Anyway went away with a mate of mine to the UK looking of lager, more lager and plenty of casual meaningless sex.

But as with all good plans.....I met this lovely dublin girl...she ticked many boxes indeed. so spend a lot of the weekend with her and I'd love to met her again.

But am I on the rebound??...answer is yes defo.

But I must add she is no compromise as I know I'd be interested anyway regardless of my situation.

so i'm mighty confused as if I didn't attempt anything now we are back she certainly would be "one that got away".

thoughts on the matter?

If I could pospone all this stuff for a few months till I got all the separation stuff sorted then that would be great.
But (ladies in particular) would you buy this line (it sounds really crap)

tbh

I think you know all the answers you are looking for already.

LegacyUser

tbh - i don't (hence the post).

I'd prefer to but off meeting this new girl till i got some stuff sorted but if I expain that to her...how lame does that excuse sound?

perhaps it is too soon but lets be honest - nothing meaningful has happen me since february (last social event and or sex with wife) been in separate bedrooms since may...so although i'll only moved out a short while...been pretty much single since may.

But thanks for taking the time to read post.

tbh

sorry, mate, didn't mean to be trite - it just sounds like most of the advice you'll probably get on this thread is already hinted at in your post.

I'd prefer to but off meeting this new girl till i got some stuff sorted but if I expain that to her...how lame does that excuse sound?

It doesn't sound lame at all - it's honest, and I'm sure she'll appreciate that. And it'll show her that you are not just after getting your leg over - but it's probably too much to expect that she'll wait till you get yourself sorted out - it really boils down to a choice of start seeing her and hope it works out, or forget it, and move on. Only you know how you feel about this girl, if you really like her, maybe it's no harm in getting to know her a bit better, but take your time, and accept it if it doesn't work out.

perhaps it is too soon but lets be honest - nothing meaningful has happen me since february (last social event and or sex with wife) been in separate bedrooms since may...so although i'll only moved out a short while...been pretty much single since may.

do you think you are ready for a new relationship? sounds like you may be ready to get back in the game, but just take things easy - the breakup may have affected you in ways you don't understand or realise yet - you may (or may not) have trust issues, etc, just take it slowly till you feel less headwrecked. I hope it works out for you mate, but remember - this girl is not the only one in the world - if it doesn't work out with her, there are plenty more monkeys in the zoo

LegacyUser

cheers mate - i didn't think you were being trite.

There are plenty more monkeys in the zoo..and I really fancied a while of singledom etc...but what gets me it that I was well impressed with this lady....

no doubt I'll find she is married and i was merely the "bit on the side" of her holiday.....lol..

also i am aware that it was holiday where we may not have been ourselves...

so perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself with all this and a few drinks some evening may not hurt at all..

Beruthiel

head is wrecked wrote:

been in separate bedrooms since may...so although i'll only moved out a short while...been pretty much single since may.

That's six months then since you knew it was defo over with the ex.
I would say, there is no problem with calling her up, but I suggest you take it slow and not at all seriously for the time being.
It can take quite a while to get over a long term relationship, as long as you realise that and keep it in the back of your mind, then you should know that getting into another serious relationship too soon can backfire on you.

tbh

head is wrecked wrote:

cheers mate - i didn't think you were being trite.

There are plenty more monkeys in the zoo..and I really fancied a while of singledom etc...but what gets me it that I was well impressed with this lady....

no doubt I'll find she is married and i was merely the "bit on the side" of her holiday.....lol..

also i am aware that it was holiday where we may not have been ourselves...

so perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself with all this and a few drinks some evening may not hurt at all..

tbh, it sounds like you've a good level head on you. Hope it works out - one way or another

Beruthiel

head is wrecked wrote:

(married for 1)

You come across as knowing what you are at. But the above makes me wonder.
How could you be married for less than a year and it fall apart so quickly?
I just wondered because it would appear you (ye) both changed your minds very quickly indeed.

Talliesin

Waiting for a while after a break-up before starting something new is generally good advice in general and works well in theory.

Unfortunately while in theory, theory and practice are the same thing, in practice they're different.

If what you are in the right space for right now is just some good times and she's okay with just some good times, then go ahead and have some good times together.

If it leads to something more, then it leads to something more, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

SmoothyG

you seem comfortable enough with seeing the new woman, so the question really is how she will react when you tell her you are going through a divorce.

I'd say take her on a few dates, get to know her better, then tell her about the whole situation, then you will have the answer.

After all, we can only guess at her reaction, you are the only one who can find out.

Drift

SmoothyG wrote:

I'd say take her on a few dates, get to know her better, then tell her about the whole situation, then you will have the answer.

How many dates before you think he should tell her? I've never been in this situation but I have to say if I was dating a girl (woman ) who was going through a divorce (technically still married) I'd be a bit miffed if she didn't tell me on the first or second date about it.

So I'd say tell her the whole story honestly and see how she reacts.

LegacyUser

'

Beruthiel wrote:

You come across as knowing what you are at. But the above makes me wonder. \r\n How could you be married for less than a year and it fall apart so quickly? \r\nI just wondered because it would appear you (ye) both changed your minds very quickly indeed.

\r\n\r\n\r\nfrom my side : my wife changed - started going out on the lash with a new crowd. i was never invited - or welcome when i suggested going.\r\nThen she started going out and not coming back and not ringing to say when,where etc..There was always somebody with a new house warming, birthday, crisis - that required a session and plenty of new gentlemen friends whom i was never allowed meet cos \"You wouldn\'t like them and will sit there all night with a scowl on your face\"\r\n\r\nNow there is 2 sides to every story - I\'m well aware i could have handled the situation a bit better and probably with more dignity and she also had a list of x,y and z that made me unbearable to live with. but in the end i said \"F*uck this\"\r\n\r\nthere is a bit more to the story than that but that\'s it in a nutshell.'

LegacyUser

'

SmoothyG wrote:

you seem comfortable enough with seeing the new woman, so the question really is how she will react when you tell her you are going through a divorce.\r\n\r\nI\'d say take her on a few dates, get to know her better, then tell her about the whole situation, then you will have the answer.\r\n\r\nAfter all, we can only guess at her reaction, you are the only one who can find out.

\r\n\r\nI\'m not gonna mess her about at all...the truth in all it\'s glory will be told on the first date - assuming I get one!\r\n\r\nI am comfortable enough...she is not the first encounter since the split\r\nmentally I feel like I\'ve been single since summer june/july'

The Sweeper

If I were you I'd take a bit more time. Time as a single person is really, really important when you're out of a long-term relationship. It's lonely, a bit rough sometimes and difficult to get used to, but it's far better than bringing the baggage from your last relationship straight into another one.

It doesn't have to mean you spend 12 months not talking to your ex before you speak to your next potential girlfriend, but just take a bit of a time out - ESPECIALLY if you have a separation/divorce to go through.

Black Swan

head is wrecked wrote:

But am I on the rebound??...

Probably. Long as you are aware of it (and you are honest with the new g/f), move slowly, and not jump off into the deep end. But if you both fancy each other, no harm in dating. Chill out and give it time.