Darkness

LegacyUser

I'm a male in my 30's. I just feel a darkness has come over me since I split with my ex. I can actually physically feel the weight in my head.

Am I going insane or is this normal? Its been 7 months now. She has a new relationship but I cant seem to move on.

LegacyUser

'Are you asking if its normal to feel like this 7 months after a relationship ends? In my opinion it is (we are all different). Depends how you are coping and what you are doing to help yourself. What are you doing to cope? Do you talk to someone? Do you get out and about? Have you met anyone since?'

Rb

Have a read of this thread regarding getting over/moving on/ etc.

Otherwise, your post is very, very vague. The physical weight you say you feel on your head is most likely in your head, if you haven't already done it, try talking to someone about everything, your feelings etc. Could be a friend/loved one, failing that then you could get professional help but I reckon thats best saved for those who really need it.

turbot

I was really gutted when Justin Hawkins left the Darkness.

More seriously; you can deal with what you describe through:

Energy Healing

Hypnosis (read Paul McKenna's book "Change your life in 7 days")

Doing stuff that fulfills you or is worthwhile

Walking in nature

Ruu_Old

OP, its going to take some more time and even longer if you keep thinking about it. Try to keep yourself busy, try something new or a change of scenery. Talk to some of your friends about the pain you are feeling, I am sure they will be willing to listen and help you. Best of luck.

tbh

it's like this OP - this is a situation that can be seen from two perspectives. One is your perspective - you are caught up in the middle of a tar pit - can't motivate yourself to do anything, can't think of anything else but her, can't see any way past this.

Then you have the other perspective, of those of us who've been through this and come out the other side. I was exactly like you for about three years, it was the end of my first long-term relationship, and it was a messy, protracted break-up. I used to torture myself with the thoughts of this girl and her new boyfriend, and compare every girl I met to her.

I'm with a girl now that i really love, and I'm much happier than I ever was with the first girlfriend. Looking back on it now, the things that caused me pain was the fact that, when I was going out with my girlfriend, I used to daydream about how our life would be, blah blah, and when we broke up, I panicked that everything I ever wanted would never happen because I didn't have her. I see now - of course - that the desires were fine, it was just the girl was wrong. There are other girls, and when you look back at your situation in a few years, you will understand the reasons it happened, you just don't have the distance to do that yet. I'm no different to you - it worked out for me, it'll work out for you - and grimes. In the end, everything works out ok, and if it's not ok, it's not the end.

My advice to you would be this: This is something that takes a long time to get over, but you can do things to speed it up. The most important thing you can do is DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO WALLOW IN THIS.

Thinking about what could have been is akin to slowly ripping a band-aid off, or taking one more fix of heroin to get you over a rough-patch. You are feeling bad, and remembering some of the good times brings a temporary relief - which is paid for by snapping back to reality and getting upset. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction So, don't pay by not taking the relief - it's only temporary anyway. When you find yourself thinking of your partner or getting depressed - I want you to physically make the effort to think of something - anything else - and concentrate on that new subject for a while. It's hard at first but it does get easier and it speeds up the heeling process. Don't look to replace your partner, have to goal of being perfectly happy and fulfilled as your own person - ie the type of person someone else would aspire to be with/like.

When you look back at your life - you'll understand. I had to lose my first girlfriend so I would meet - and appreciate - the girl I'm with now. Maybe she's the one - maybe not. If it's meant to be, it'll be, I understand that now. Remember what I said about opposite reactions? it turns out all the pain I went through for my failed relationships was the price I had to pay to get my current relationship - well worth it.

good luck.

Elessar

tbh wrote:

If it's meant to be, it'll be, I understand that now.

Interesting beliefs you have there, but could you please clarify this statement?

Honestly I hear it all the time and I don't understand it, is it a religious thing?

Surely if I sit on my ass I probably wont get a relationship, but then is that also meant to be?

I'm just looking for clarification.

tbh

Elessar wrote:

Interesting beliefs you have there, but could you please clarify this statement?

Honestly I hear it all the time and I don't understand it, is it a religious thing?

Surely if I sit on my ass I probably wont get a relationship, but then is that also meant to be?

I'm just looking for clarification.

no it's not really religious - but I do believe that life is a series of lessons to be learned. I'm just not sure what you do with the information - apart from maybe pass it along on boards.ie

I just mean that sometimes when things happen to you, they don't make any sense, but when you give it a bit of time, you see the effects that these events had on your life, and you understand the lesson each taught you. I've been in relationships where I got hurt, but now I'm glad I did, because I learned something out of them, which made me the person I am today, and I like me If I hadn't been embarrased, I could be arrogant, If I hadn't been hurt, I might be thoughtless - that kind of thing. Sometimes, things are just out of our hands, and the best thing we can do is just enjoy what we have rather than worrying about what we might lose because, if it's meant to be, it'll be, and if not, there's nothing I can really do about it. It's different to being passive, it's more about being ...ehm.... I dunno really. trusting, maybe.

LegacyUser

I have read all your advice and know that I should heed it. But whoever described the tarpit has hit the nail on the head. I have been to the GP but her answer to everything is Prozac... I'm not into that.

I might try counselling.

Thanks a lot people.

fifly

I think hypnosis is worth a try. Paul McKenna's also has a booked called "How to ment you broken heart". Haven't read it but its worth a try. If that doesn't work go to a counseller.

How long were you going out? It might be normal after along term relationship but why suffer any more than you have to?

Black Swan

Try something new. Get really involved. Perhaps something with a good mix of single men and women?

Miss Fluff

Sometimes rebounders can be great! You may not feel ready but I think a wild, passionate fling could do you good!:p

There is no template for grief. Allow yourself to grieve but don't put your life on hold either. You have to let go in order to get on with your life.

As other posters have said, involve yourself and try and keep busy.

Ghost Rider

You sound like you might be suffering from depression. If I was in your position, I would share your reluctance to go down the medication route. However, despite what a lot of people think, the consensus among healthcare professionals about how to treat depression has changed, to the extent that few doctors now believe drugs are the only solution (if, indeed, they are any kind of solution).

In particular, a type of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioural therapy (or CBT) has come to prominence in recent years, and many mental healthcare professionals believe it can be very effective in the treatment of depression (as well as some other disorders).

I'm not an expert but, as far as I can gather, CBT is based around the insight that our feelings, and our behaviour, are caused by our thoughts. Therefore, if we want to change our feelings or our behaviour, we need to change our thoughts first. (There are no drugs whatsoever involved in CBT itself.)

By the way, rest assured that I'm not involved in the healthcare industry, so I have no vested interest in the promotion of CBT. It's just that I've heard a lot of good things about it, so it might be worth your while checking it out.

Sad wrote:

I'm a male in my 30's. I just feel a darkness has come over me since I split with my ex. I can actually physically feel the weight in my head.

Am I going insane or is this normal? Its been 7 months now. She has a new relationship but I cant seem to move on.

craichoe

Go bang someone and clear your head

MojoMaker

That's pretty much what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy boils down to.

Ghost Rider

Not so. You must be thinking of something else...

MojoMaker wrote:

That's pretty much what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy boils down to.

killeoin

I know it sounds silly but something that has always helped me is going to the gym. I don't mean to under-simplify your situation but get into a routine of going every day. Hop on that treadmill and run your heart out for a half hour and you really will feel great after it.

Also, do you work/Whats your social life like/hobbies etc...? The post was rather vague. Maybe you're actually depressed about your life in general or was this girl your life and thats the real problem? If so, whatever about drugs/CBT there really is only one solution...Take a deep breath, be brave and go out and change it! You have the power to do it!

Also..this comes from someone who has been through it so its not just just random stupidity, least I hope not anyway:)

oh btw...great post tbh.

magick

I know it sounds silly but something that has always helped me is going to the gym

ya this is v true helped me a lot in the last break up