She has a boyfriend- What do I do?

LegacyUser

Hi all.
Long time listener, 1st time poster...

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I really don't want to be left wondering ''What if?''.

Put yourself in the same situation. I consider us having enough chemistry to have a future tpgether, beyond a few months. What would you do?

cheers for all your thoughts.

Faith

Get over it and find someone else. You want to ruin a relationship just because you have a crush on a girl?

If you'd said 5.5 months, I might say differently. But 5 years is a very long time and to make a move would be incredibly selfish.

Ruu_Old

You don't have any right to interfere in their relationship, leave them alone and move on. 5.5 years is a long time to be with someone, I don't think you want to be the one to ruin it for them (unless your friend has constantly complained to you about how bad the relationship is, even then its not a wise move).

Ickle Magoo

Why don't you ask her if she likes you & let her make the decision whether to leave her boyfriend for you or not? You don't have to be so furtive as to "make a move on her" - just be upfront & if she feels as you do then she'll want to be with you too.

chump

ah begorra.

Girls in long relationships are notoriously more flirty than girls just into one, or single ones (who are weighing up their market)!

Take a step out of your dreams and into the real world, you can be sure if she's up for a 'bit' she'll come a knocking.

secret_squirrel

Unless she makes a move on you - forget it. She's just flirting.

LegacyUser

I'm in a relationship around 5.5years and I hate to think somebody else knowing she has a boyfriend would 'make a move' on my girlfriend. Even if she said she wasnt interested and the boyfriend found out you will have managed to get rejected and also destablise their relationship. Its a no win situation, don't do it!

axer

...and if I was the boyfriend, you could be sure I would come looking for you if I ever found out!

humbert

troublemaker wrote:

Hi all.
Long time listener, 1st time poster...

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I really don't want to be left wondering ''What if?''.

Put yourself in the same situation. I consider us having enough chemistry to have a future tpgether, beyond a few months. What would you do?

cheers for all your thoughts.

Well I'd say if she loves the boyfriend you're outta luck and if she doesn't then why shouldn't you. So basically if you feel there's "a moment" go for it but don't be the eejit diving in and realising you were seeing something that wasn't there:(

Sony

yeah leave it out-making a move is bang out of order

Talliesin

You can take it that they're off-limits until you get a good indication otherwise (something like "oh, had a great time at the swinging party last weekend" or "ooh, I know it was me that left him, but I'm still upset about the whole thing" would be good indications, her flirting with you would not).

GAA widow

two things which may be going on here:

1.I don't want to sound harsh here, but it sounds like she's being "mentally" unfaithful?! She knows you like her, is flirting a bit, kinda flattered by it, but still hasn't left the boyf regardless.

2. Because she's with her boyf 5.5 years she feels comfortable in chatting to you and being in your company because of the fact that the world knows (and you know) she's so in love with xxxx and everyone know she would never dream of doing the dirt on xxxx and isn't it great that both of you are just SUCH good friends.

Neither of these "theories" may be right on my part but may be worth considering.

LegacyUser

OP

I can't see this ending up any other way then you making an ass of yourself when you try it on.

IMO the girl in question probably feels comfortable with you (and flirts has banter etc with you) and your in the friend category.
Feeling comfortable his completely different to fancying you (your line of thinking)
IMO the reason the flirting goes on in comfort situations is that its safe boundries etc

5.5 years is a long time and I dont fancy your chances, I'd wager you are confusing her feeling comfortable with you and her fancying you.
She might be nice and say I like you too, but I have a BF (which is a nice NO) or it wreaks this friendship totally when you try it on.

I'd steer clear.

LegacyUser

Cheers for your replies.
I have been thinking about these situatioins for a while(it's pretty common) and while I can see the benefits of 'not interfering', I also see the benefits of succeeding.

If I see a girl I like(hwo has a boyfriend), I think she would be happy with me then I reckon that I should go for it. Why should her boyfriend's happiness supercede mine?

What I don't understand is that some posters here seem to assume just because someone came onto someone's gf, that it would jepardise the relationship? that logic assumes an inherent instability in the relationship.
Doesn't it also imply that the gf is not to be trusted. I like to think that any gf I had, or will have would be trustworthy enough for me worry about having to ''come looking for'' any guy who hit on my gf.

Thirdly, the girl deserves the choice. I do not know the bf(i have never met him, however I like myself better than him). Is it not up to the gf to consider both of us and decide which 1 she would be happier with.

Granted 5.5years is a long time(really long), but it is not strange if they got together very young. Assuming he is her first boyfriend, she may not have any previous relationships to compare it to. I want her to see that there is more outside the glass sphere containing her and her boyfriend. Outside that sphere is someone who she could be estatic with.......me.

Seraphina

troublemaker wrote:

Hi all.
Long time listener, 1st time poster...

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I really don't want to be left wondering ''What if?''.

Put yourself in the same situation. I consider us having enough chemistry to have a future tpgether, beyond a few months. What would you do?

cheers for all your thoughts.

i would personally find that rude and disrespectful.
you know she's in a relationship, but you dont care.
just forget about it unless she gives some WAAAYYY more obvious signs

Kell

Seraphina wrote:

just forget about it unless she gives some WAAAYYY more obvious signs

Applause- like sticking her tongue down your throat (while sober).

Seraphina- will you stick your tongue down my throat? :eek: Please?

K-

padser

troublemaker wrote:

Hi all.
Long time listener, 1st time poster...

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I really don't want to be left wondering ''What if?''.

Put yourself in the same situation. I consider us having enough chemistry to have a future tpgether, beyond a few months. What would you do?

cheers for all your thoughts.

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel that you shouldnt go for it. You dont know the guy, you dont have any responsibility for that relationship. You dont owe him anything.

That said, I dont think you really have a chance in hell, so you would prob be better off waiting to see if anything happens in the old 5.5 yr relationship, and if anything does.....step in with a bottle of wine and a shoulder to cry on! The classic 4-4-2 formation!

koneko

"Make a move" applies to girls that are single and possibly interested. This girl is in a relationship for 5.5 years. Leave well alone. If she breaks up with him, "make your move", but until then stay away, she's not available.

tbh

troublemaker wrote:

If I see a girl I like(hwo has a boyfriend), I think she would be happy with me then I reckon that I should go for it. Why should her boyfriend's happiness supercede mine?
.

because she's with him, not you. If she's not happy with him, she would have left him (you don't give her much credit, do you?)

What you and her have isn't a relationship. You're flirting and chatting but it's not the same as going out with someone. What if you just end up confusing her? maybe the excitement will get to her and she'll do something she regrets.

don't be that guy. Seriously, everybody hates that guy.

aidan24326

padser wrote:

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel that you shouldnt go for it. You dont know the guy, you dont have any responsibility for that relationship. You dont owe him anything.

Padser that's very clever. Would you still be saying that if it was your girlfriend? No, I didn't think so. Think before saying something so stupid. Interfering in someone else's long-term relationship is a sh*tty thing to do.

OP unless the girl gives you some clear indication that her relationship with the bf is nearing the end (and that's she's interested in you) then you should back off. If she breaks up with the bf then it's fair game. If she doesn't/has no intention, then I don't see what you stand to achieve.

Your unreg name 'troublemaker' sums you up nicely.

LegacyUser

troublemaker wrote:

What I don't understand is that some posters here seem to assume just because someone came onto someone's gf, that it would jepardise the relationship? that logic assumes an inherent instability in the relationship.
Doesn't it also imply that the gf is not to be trusted. I like to think that any gf I had, or will have would be trustworthy enough for me worry about having to ''come looking for'' any guy who hit on my gf.

Well if the girl gets it on with you behind her current boyfriend's back then I would be of the opinion that the girl is not fully trustworthy i.e. if she can do it once...

I think people who cheat or actively engage in cheating deserve to be cheated on.

Talliesin

troublemaker wrote:

Thirdly, the girl deserves the choice. I do not know the bf(i have never met him, however I like myself better than him). Is it not up to the gf to consider both of us and decide which 1 she would be happier with.

She has that choice, right now.

troublemaker wrote:

I want her to see that there is more outside the glass sphere containing her and her boyfriend.

Yeah, there's guys getting pretty darn cocky for someone that's getting so excited about one person fancying them a little. What a catch!

Really, at most leave it at something like "darn, it's a pity you've a boyfriend" so she might look you up if she decides to split with the guy, otherwise you're just going to irritate her.

Faith

troublemaker wrote:

Why should her boyfriend's happiness supercede mine?

Oh my. That is by far the most selfish thing I've heard in a long time!

craichoe

If you did get into a relationship with this girl, she will only realise what she had when it is gone. If shes been going out with this guy for 5 years then there must be love involved, its possible she could be after getting used to it and could be flirting with the idea of cheating on her him.

Inevitably your relationship would be doomed to fail as she would never truely be over the guy whos she had this longterm relationship.

Just my two cents, speaking from previous experience

chump

troublemaker wrote:

Cheers for your replies.
I have been thinking about these situatioins for a while(it's pretty common) and while I can see the benefits of 'not interfering', I also see the benefits of succeeding.

If I see a girl I like(hwo has a boyfriend), I think she would be happy with me then I reckon that I should go for it. Why should her boyfriend's happiness supercede mine?

What I don't understand is that some posters here seem to assume just because someone came onto someone's gf, that it would jepardise the relationship? that logic assumes an inherent instability in the relationship.
Doesn't it also imply that the gf is not to be trusted. I like to think that any gf I had, or will have would be trustworthy enough for me worry about having to ''come looking for'' any guy who hit on my gf.

Thirdly, the girl deserves the choice. I do not know the bf(i have never met him, however I like myself better than him). Is it not up to the gf to consider both of us and decide which 1 she would be happier with.

Granted 5.5years is a long time(really long), but it is not strange if they got together very young. Assuming he is her first boyfriend, she may not have any previous relationships to compare it to. I want her to see that there is more outside the glass sphere containing her and her boyfriend. Outside that sphere is someone who she could be estatic with.......me.

You sound like a chump to me, and trust me I know a chump when I see one.

From the above it seems to me you haven't the considered the very real scenario that this girl knows you like her, and she gets a kick when flirting with you. She may also just enjoy your company (less likely)
If she wanted you instead of her boyfriend - you'd know. She's get rid of the bf and try it on with you.

Women know, I tend to believe, when a bloke fancies them, or at the very least is up for a quick one.

Provided you've made it clear you're single, which I've NO DOUBT you have - the ball's in her park. Leave it go.

Black Swan

troublemaker wrote:

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her.

You plan to break up a long term relationship, and you want us to say it's OK? Be a gentleman and go after someone single. There's plenty of fish in the sea, so you don't have to steal from another guy's boat to get one do you?



On second thought, this really looks like a troll...

Lorax

Personally I would kick the face off you if you did that to my girlfriend.. it would be different if she lied and told you she had no boyfriend, then the blame would be on her.

LegacyUser

Sign me up 4 dat too !

Dave!

Walk away.....

She's with him 5.5 years for a reason.

o1s1n

Faith wrote:

Oh my. That is by far the most selfish thing I've heard in a long time!

my thought exactly. i couldnt believe the selfishness of that comment. i'm saddened that people out there with that kind of an attitude actually exist

arbeitsscheuer

This has gotta be a troll.

If it's not - I weep for humanity.

I mean, honestly OP, what are ya like?

Stench Blossoms

Stay away.

If she cheats on her boyfriend with you whats stopping her from doing it to you in the future?

Playboy

I think you should go for it ... if she loves her bf she will reject you. If she doesnt reject you then you will be doing him a favour. I have lived with my gf for 6 years .. I couldnt care less if a guy made a move on her .. its her responsiblity to say no, not other peoples responsiblity to respect my relationship.

LegacyUser

Playboy wrote:

I think you should go for it ... if she loves her bf she will reject you. If she doesnt reject you then you will be doing him a favour. I have lived with my gf for 6 years .. I couldnt care less if a guy made a move on her .. its her responsiblity to say no, not other peoples responsiblity to respect my relationship.

I was waiting for someone to realise this! If I make a make a move on her and she rejects me should not harm her relationship with her boyfriend. It is her rsponsibility. I don't know him; he is not my concern, what is my concern is that we don't see how far we can go together just because she is going out with someone. Isn't it true that the prittiest girls are never single: i.e. if she likes me then she can break up with her boyfriend for me. If she doesn't then THAT'S HER CHOICE!

Some of the posters here seem to underestimate what they consider 'girlfriends', they appear to believe that the girls are incapable of free choice.

MojoMaker

Over two dozen posts on the subject and you seize on the one selfish reply which falls into line with your own skewed viewpoint on the matter? :rolleyes:

You've a tough year coming up OP, distractions like this are the last thing you'll need with the notoriously demanding Leaving cert syllabus.

chump

MojoMaker wrote:

Over two dozen posts on the subject and you seize on the one selfish reply which falls into line with your own skewed viewpoint on the matter? :rolleyes:

You've a tough year coming up OP, distractions like this are the last thing you'll need with the notoriously demanding Leaving cert syllabus.

hah

OP you mention 'free choice' - exactly, she has chosen to be with the same bloke for 5.5years. Stick your oar in all you want, but it will only cause more trouble than it's worth. I think you're deluded to be honest.

Chinafoot

troublemaker wrote:

they appear to believe that the girls are incapable of free choice.

It's already been pointed out to you in this thread that this girl already has free choice. Her choice, it would seem, is to be with her boyfriend. If she is unhappy in the relationship she can leave it. If she's not, which seems to be the case, then she will continue to stay with him.

Your ego is astounding. Do you actually want a lasting relationship with this girl or do you just want to prove that you can have her? If it's a lasting relationship you want then would you trust a girl who would cheat on her long-term boyfriend to be with you? What's to stop some other guy coming along a few years down the line and making a move and her responding? Also, what makes you so sure that you wouldn't be the "rebound guy"? 5 and a half years is a long time.

If you don't want anything serious (which seems ot be the case given your attitude) then you are unbelievably selfish to want to damage a 5 and a half year relationship just so you can get a leg over and an ego stroke.

Talliesin

troublemaker wrote:

I was waiting for someone to realise this! If I make a make a move on her and she rejects me should not harm her relationship with her boyfriend.

Personally I wasn't speaking from any moral position at all. If she dumps her boyfriend, or has an affair with you behind his back, or does anything along those lines, none of it is any skin off my nose and apparantly none of yours so moralising isn't really worth it (I would think it wrong, but you obviously don't care about whether anyone thinks its wrong, so why bother saying that).

I was just thinking about what a twat you're going to look like to her, and that you probably won't enjoy that.

Marksie

Talliesin wrote:

I was just thinking about what a twat you're going to look like to her, and that you probably won't enjoy that.

Actually i don't think that would bother the OP at all.

It appears for some reason that this "free choice" that the girl has has already been predetermined in that the OP has already decided she would be happier with him.. until of course his ego sends him after the next one.

I am not surprised that you like yourself more than her current Bfriend..It would probably take a lot for someone to make you fall out of love with yourself.

Your posts are self centred and based not on any genuine feelings on anyone elses part but your own self gratification... they are coming across as self centred, arrogant and totally devoid of any real feelings for others.

Why ruin a relationship, if your that much of a s*x symbol..shouldnt all the single girls be dropping like stones at your feet?

agentkarl06

you know guys like you really make my blood boil, you cant seem to get a girl and you meet females who are attached and then get a fantasy into your head she is into you , or wants to start a relationship with you.

if she is with him that long she probably loves him, just move on lots of single girls out there , or her boyfriend might punch your light outs mate ?

Playboy

Talliesin wrote:

I was just thinking about what a twat you're going to look like to her, and that you probably won't enjoy that.

lol and why would the guy look lke a twat? People cheat on people all the time and people leave long term relationships all the time to jump straight into a new one that they began while they were still with someone else. This guy is obviously getting signals from this girl otherwise he wouldnt be posting here. Maybe its flirting but maybe its not .. in my experience if people are giving you signals then they want to be with you. There isnt any army of prickteasers roaming the country flirting with guys that they have no interest in. In fact most girls who are accused if being flirts or prickteasers are not at all ... they usually are just nice people whom some idiots get deluded ideas about (oh my god she is talking to me therefore she must want to **** me and if she doesnt **** me then she is a pricktease)

Life is too short .. if you like this girl then go for it. You never made any promises to her bf or anyone else. She made promises to her bf so its her responsibility to deal with that side of things. People on here who tell you not to interfere are more than likely insecure people. They are probably the type of people who will attack the person their partner cheated on them with instead of realising that the only person they should have a problem with is their own partner. If this relationship this girl has is secure then she will just say no ... it is impossible for anybody to interfere in a relationship if the realtionship is strong and secure enough. It is only possible to upset a relationship that is already well on the way to being over. As i said b4, I have been in a 6 year relationship . I have had plenty of oppurtunities to cheat but I have no interest in cheating so women can try it on but nothings gonna happen .. I just say no. I'm sure guys come on to my gf all the time .. who cares if they do .. I expect her to say no and if she doesnt then its over and I move on .. no point wrecking my head worrying about it. People need to take a step outside of their bubbles and into reality.

LegacyUser

OP, There is some truth in what Playboy said about you making a move and it being her responsibility to refuse and for her to turn you down. However if i was her boyfriend and even if she was to turn u down cold and reject you I would still take pleasure in kicking the face off you simply because i hate desperate little pricks like you who make my blood boil! To a 5.5 yr relationship you are an insignificant piece of crap so a bit less of the cockyness/selfishness yeah

LegacyUser

Some people stay in relationships so they aren't alone. On the other she may be happy and content.
But as the OP said, 'what if', plays a major part and I'm one of those people who never miss an opportunity. Sure, sometimes it doesn't pay off and I end up like a fool but when it does pay off and you made the right decision, you don't get that sence of regret.
A friend of mine has recently married and his wife was with someone for 3 years when they first went out (with whom she broke up with after going out with my friend for several weeks)

I say ask her openly and if she isn't interested at least you can stop daydreaming :P

Playboy

unreg111 wrote:

OP, There is some truth in what Playboy said about you making a move and it being her responsibility to refuse and for her to turn you down. However if i was her boyfriend and even if she was to turn u down cold and reject you I would still take pleasure in kicking the face off you simply because i hate desperate little pricks like you who make my blood boil! To a 5.5 yr relationship you are an insignificant piece of crap so a bit less of the cockyness/selfishness yeah

How insecure are u dude? Attacking somone becuase they like ur gf is about as childish, unattractive and insecure as someone can possibly get. Grow up, this isnt Kindergarten

TallGirl

unreg43256 wrote:

I say ask her openly and if she isn't interested at least you can stop daydreaming :P

I'm just gonna stick in my tuppence worth here....

I'm going out with someone for the past 4 years and its going great. I understand why some of the other posters said that girls in long term relationships are more comfortable chatting with guys. Thats certainly the case for me anyway and hope its not mistaken for flirting.... I love male company. The fact that I'm secure in my relationship means that I can be open with other guys, voice my opinions and not put on an act..... cause I don't need them to like me. (if that makes sense).

Anyway, there was a guy that was contracting in my company a while ago and the pair of us got on really well. I thought he was very good looking and we had great craic together. I'd often find myself going into the kitchen when he was in there just for a bit of a chat or to have the craic. Now, I don't think this is in any way disrespectful towards my boyfriend as I'm very much in love with him but just really enjoyed the other guys company. The fact that he was very good looking was an added bonus. I suppose in a way I kinda did fancy him (the work guy) but would never have done anything about it cause myself and my boyfriend have a great thing going. If I was single, things may have been different. Now, saying that, if he did make a move on me I would have defo knocked him back and we wouldn't have been as friendly as before.

Soooo, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there is no way you should make a move on that girl. From my own personal experiences, the guy / girl will always choose their boy/girlfriend of x no. years before they choose you..... then you are only left looking and feeling stupid. Plus, I really think that you are mistaking friendship and harmless flirting with something more.
5 years is a long time for a couple to be together and unless you get some positive feedback that their relationship is about to go tits up.... stay away. Either way, even if you do get together with her, she's gonna be thinking about him for a long time to come.

I do like the advise above about asking her straight out, but WHEN she says she doesn't fancy you, ye're relationship will change.... do u want that.

My advise.... stay away

LegacyUser

Playboy wrote:

How insecure are u dude? Attacking somone becuase they like ur gf is about as childish, unattractive and insecure as someone can possibly get.

Yes but attacking someone for trying to break up your relationship that you have put 5 years of effort into is understandable imo. Its all they understand because Its hard enough these days to maintain a stable relationship without desperate little ****s like the OP trying to break them up.

Calina

AgreeWithUnreg wrote:

Yes but attacking someone for trying to break up your relationship that you have put 5 years of effort into is understandable imo. Its all they understand because Its hard enough these days to maintain a stable relationship without desperate little ****s like the OP trying to break them up.

No it is not. From my point of view, if I was with someone who took it into his head to physically attack someone for daring to show an interest in me, that someone would be history. Whether I was interested in the third party or not would at that point be academic - I wouldn't want to be with someone who resorts to violence for any reason at all. I have no time for fools who think they can justify violence with obsessive jealousy or insecurity. If you're secure in the love of your girlfriend, five years or five months down the line, you won't be needing to sock it to someone for any reason. If you're not secure, then that's the fault of the two people in the relationship, not anyone else.

As for the OP - I have no advice to give you in this respect. I know neither you nor the girl concerned. I will only say this: we've all been there, and frankly, it's not the end of the world. Someone else always turns up. If you want my opinion - and I suspect you do not - move on and wait for the next girl. She's not going to be the only girl in the world. But I suspect you posted actively looking for someone to justify your wishes to you and that, I am afraid, not too many people are willing to do.

LegacyUser

Playboy wrote:

I just say no. I'm sure guys come on to my gf all the time .. who cares if they do .. I expect her to say no and if she doesnt then its over and I move on .. no point wrecking my head worrying about it. People need to take a step outside of their bubbles and into reality.

I hear what your saying and yes its the GF responsibilty to turn him down.

But OP already knows she has a BF. Now if she told OP this, its her way of saying dont try it buddy your wasting your time.
If OP continues pestering her, then yes his sneaky annoying git like features of his character deserve a good beating.

Now if OP found out she has BF from other sources and she hasnt told OP herself then she is leaving the door open for an approach by OP. But imo I reckon he'll crash and burn 5.5years and all that.

Its all about context. One approach is annoying her (which equals a head kicking) and the other approach is fine.

aidan24326

Playboy, much of what you say is right but you have to remember that not everyone can be as swaggeringly confident and secure about things as you claim to be.

Rebeller

Bite your tongue and take a few cold showers.

It seems to me that you enjoy the chase more than the "prize" itself and that "getting" this girl is simply an ego boosting exercise on your part.

She is in a long term relationship. She is off-limits. Why should she be made to feel excruciatingly uncomfortable at the moment that you decide to stomp in and declare your undying hard-on for her?

I get the distinct impression that you would not find this girl so irresistibly attractive if she was single and truly available.

Yes, she has free choice and the right to reject or accept your indecent proposals (:D ).

However, it is not your place to force her hand. Girls and guys in happy, stable long-term relationships often flirt with other men/women without any desire or intention of ever cheating. Many people need a little ego pick-me-up from time to time in the form of acknowledgement from non-partners that they are still attractive. Flirting does not always equate to "I want to end my relationship and jump into bed with you".

Grow up. Move on.

Catari Jaguar

After 5.5 years they prob aren't all lovey dovey like you're making out. More a comfort, friend zone, rut perhaps after so long? A lot of people stay together out of fear of being alone. Esp if they got together youngish. I know plenty of couples like that. My friend was with a guy for 4 years. That was such a sh1t relationship...

I agree with playboy I'm afraid. Guys always think they own girls or their some trophy, OP is trying to "steal her away". It's sick. She's flirting with some guy and that makes her a bit of a tease and bitch. But hey, if you like her why not ask? Better to be with you, than stay with a guy out of loyalty but want to be with someone else. If she says no she says no. If she says yes, then tough luck on the other guy. It's up to her.

Some girl kept hitting on my bloke n tried to get him to dump me. But he wasnt at all interested so whatever...

Now, other postsers, feel free to unleash the hounds...