Anyone have a brother problem?

Elphaba

HI,
Was just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same as me? I have a brother who is 2 years older than me and we always got on great growing up, even as teenagers. He got married 3 years ago and since then he's gradually but very surely stopped talkin to me. At the moment he doesnt even acknowledge if I walk into the room. His wife is like this too. Although she does send me sarcastic texts from his phone when she's had a few.

I can't think of any reason at all for this, there was never a big fight or anything. I've tried talking to him but he acts like there's nothing wrong and like Im makin a big deal out of nothing. My parents are like that too. They dont want to rock the boat as they now have 2 grandsons who they love to see all the time and if they had a ruck with my brother & wife over whats goin on the kids would probably visit a lot less.

I'm losing my reason with the whole situation and was wondering if anyone else has been here or has any advice?
Thanks

ntlbell

This might sound like a strange question.

Does his wife have large breasts?

Also what sorts of texts? can you give an example of shomething she has said?

Trinity

Not personally but my friend would be in a similar position.

And he and the rest of the family blames the wife. Having met her i tend to agree. Some guys tend to go for controlling women, she has the last say in everything. She is constantly in his ear about his family and they spend all their time with hers. (have seen this with my uncles as well where their wives were domineering)

You would assume that blood would be thicker than water when it comes to her sending you sarcastic texts from his phone. But i have also seen people side with their partner as opposed to family whether they were right or wrong.

I could be wrong but these women are complete bitches and things have a way of coming full circle.

Beruthiel

Elphaba wrote:

I'm losing my reason with the whole situation and was wondering if anyone else has been here or has any advice?

I would suggest that you call him up and ask him if it's possible that the two of you go for a quite drink. Trash it out with him and just get to the bottom of it.


ntlbell
I presume you are asking that question because his eyes maybe wandering without him realising it?

I have a friend who hardly see's his brother anymore. Why? Because he married a nutjob who took a total dislike to my friend and the brother doesn't have the balls to put the loolaa in her place.

ntlbell

Beruthiel wrote:

ntlbell
I presume you are asking that question because his eyes maybe wandering without him realising it?

You're very warm.

Elphaba

Well I guess it's somethin that I'm not alone. I've done the whole get him on his own and talk about stuff. Obviously it was talk to him in the house cos he wasn't let go the pub with me. BUt he just pretends nothin is goin on.

An example of a text from her is around Christmas time and she text real late one night sayin thanks for the presents. I had given them some stoopid candle thing. So me bein the thick I was just text back You're welcome and then she said somethin about it being the best gift they ever got and she didnt know how she coped without it.

Miss Fluff

Elphaba wrote:

An example of a text from her is around Christmas time and she text real late one night sayin thanks for the presents. I had given them some stoopid candle thing. So me bein the thick I was just text back You're welcome and then she said somethin about it being the best gift they ever got and she didnt know how she coped without it.

What a beeeeee-atch!!:eek:

Are you a boy or girl?

Nevyn

Beruthiel wrote:

I have a friend who hardly see's his brother anymore. Why? Because he married a nutjob who took a total dislike to my friend and the brother doesn't have the balls to put the loolaa in her place.

This is a lot more common then people think and they don't have to marry them to have them rampage through families and isolate "thier man" from all thier family and friends causing a lot of hurt, division and breaking of bonds that may never be fixed.

Elphaba

I'm a girl. I'm 27 and they're a couple of years older so we should all be able to act like adults but it's obviously not gonna happen. My parents know everythings not great but for the kids sakes they just chug along. And it's not that I want them to get involved, I dont actually know what i want anymore. I have no kids myself but I've even decided that if I have any, there'll have to be 3 just in case one of them turns out to be an a*sehole so the other one still has someone.

Kell

Elphaba wrote:

I'm losing my reason with the whole situation and was wondering if anyone else has been here or has any advice?
Thanks

Having recently addressed family issues, the advice is simple. Go and talk to your brother about it. Tell him you should go for a pint as there are a few things you want to discuss with him. If he wont go to the pub, land on their door step.

G'luck.

K-

Beruthiel

Elphaba wrote:

she said somethin about it being the best gift they ever got and she didnt know how she coped without it.

Well this says it all imo.
Seems to me your brother has allowed her to manipulate him for an easy life.
I wouldn't even bother to try and get into the mindset of someone that petty and sad. She has issues and until your brother comes to that realisation by himself, I'm not sure there's much you can do.
As I said, try and get him alone and talk to him.

Elphaba

Oh there's no doubt about that. She was renting in a dive of a place when they met and now they live in "their" own house that "they" bought with "their" cars parked outside. Nah, I've gone past the point of thinking I can sort everything out. Maybe I just wanted to have a bit of a rant. Thanks for the feedback anyway. Means my friend wont get an earful when I get home tonight. I'm sure she'd thank you too! I do feel a bit better just to know that other people can see it from my side and that this kind of crap does go on. Hopefully what goes around comes around. If it does then she's in serious trouble

Kell

Elphaba wrote:

Nah, I've gone past the point of thinking I can sort everything out.

Tis family and blood is thicker than whatever water his wife appears to have tried to drown him in. Address the problem- it'll continue to eat you if you dont.

K-

Nevyn

Really have a choices:

You can go and try get him on his own and have it out with him and tell him what you think of his wife and his choices and how disappointed and hurt and angry you are and you will be left with the fall out.

or

You can still be his sister and send christmas cards and birthday cards and keep a distance but still keep the lines of communitations open so that you can be there for him when he needs you and some day he will.

The second option is really hard, you end up sad when you think of him and miss him even more so when you see him standing infront of you and he is like a stranger to you.

I have gone through this with my own brother who went from letting himself into my house with his own key to buying a house in a different county and moving in and had done so for weeks with out my parents even knowing where it was. It has been 7 months from when I saw him last and that was when he was in my parent shouse for a very strained hour on mother's day.


None of us have ever said, don't ring us, don't call to the door, don't contact us, don't be in our lives.
My children don't miss him any more which is heartbreaking.

It is his bed, his choices and he has to lie in it with the person he has chosen, who made him choose her time and again over everyone in his life.

If and when your brother wants to sort out his relationship with you Elphaba
be there for him, until then you have to not let yourself be swallowed by greif and anger.

As for the wonderful lady your brother has married, I would have little contact with her as possible, be poltie, be civil give her no excuse to have a go ( not that people like that need a reason sure they make them up anyway) and don't answer back any messages esp when you know it is late and she may have been drinking.

I think of my brother most days and light candle and pray that he is ok,
that he is happy in his life and that someday he will stop hurting his family
and things can be resolved.

It can be hard esp when it is like they are dead but not gone.

Elphaba

I have addressed it. Several times and it's got me nowhere and only caused me more heart ache. My family were like the perfect family when i was younger and I'm so thankful for that but it probably made this whole situation more of a shock when it happened. It is eating away at me but not as much as it used to. I guess I'm just accepting it now. It sucks but it's like the more I tried, the more it hurt when I didnt get anywhere so it kinda drained me. I;m sorry but I can't agree that blood is thicker than water in this case. It should be but it's not

Elphaba

Thaedydal - I hope to God he does need me one day and I'll be there. What makes it so hard is the fact that i do still care. Sometimes I wish I could turn it off. Actually most the time I wish I could.

I dont have any contact with his wife any more. I dont reply to texts. If she walks into my parents house when I'm there she doesnt say anything and i dont look at her. I only go to my parent's so I can see the kids at the weekend cos I can't call up to their own house to see them. It sounds ridiculous I know but I can imagine you understand this.

Miss Fluff

Thaedydal wrote:

You can still be his sister and send christmas cards and birthday cards and keep a distance but still keep the lines of communitations open so that you can be there for him when he needs you and some day he will.

I think that's the best advice really. It's terribly sad but oftentimes when a guy gets married, his wife's family becomes his new family and there is a natural drift away from his own. His wife sounds like a complete bitch who, had she any wherewithal at all, would encourage him to maintain his bond with blood relatives. She hasn't though. My advice would avoid being antagonistic and I wouldn't try to broach the subject again (you can be guaranteed he is regurgitating every conversation back to his vile spouse which won't help matters at all). Continue to mark milestones in his and his children's lives and be there for him should it all go pear-shaped. Nothing else you can do unfortunately.

Lynfo

whatever way you end up sorting it out - sooner rather than later is best. My brother and sister fell out over something that neither of them can remember, and they haven't spoken in 11 years. He lives in Oz & she lives in USA, she has 3 kids now and he hasn't acknowledged any of them. Neither of them will listen to reason, even though I've told them both that my parents (both in their late 60s) are absolutely heartbroken over the situation.
Seriously, the longer it goes on the harder it will be to sort out.
Lots of luck, hope it goes well.

jammie

OP Iknow exactly how you feel, my brother got married a few months ago and we have spoken since they got married she has turned into a complete bitch, I was totaly left out of their wedding & I'm the only sibling he has left. Every1 assumed I would be bridesmaid but didnt happen & she didnt even acknowlege my existence prior to the wedding & now they are saying its all my fault etc, feck them is what I say...If your brother like mine is going to let a complete bitch walk all over him, leave them be..

Elphaba

hey snap, I;m his only sibling and had no part in the wedding. nor did they make me godnother. That was the one that really p!ssed me off. Like 99% of people pick their brother or sister to be godparent but it was never even mentioned. Her sisters are the 2 godmothers

Black Swan

Stay in touch and be there for your brother.

daiixi

Elphaba wrote:

hey snap, I;m his only sibling and had no part in the wedding. nor did they make me godnother. That was the one that really p!ssed me off. Like 99% of people pick their brother or sister to be godparent but it was never even mentioned. Her sisters are the 2 godmothers

It's sad that this has happened to you. My aunt is the same, she controls what my uncle does although as their kids have become teenagers/young adults her control has waned. We see my uncle's loss as his loss although it hurts my dad and my grandma. Unfortunately there's not much that can be done. I did suggest a "game" to my family when I was about 15 which I called "Bags Grandma". This game involved "bagsing" gran for all family occasions such as Christmas, birthdays, mothers day and Easter before my uncle would think to. This way if he wanted his mum at any occasion he had to convince his wife to spend the day at our place. Worked pretty well after the second year!

That said though I do not understand what role you expected to have in their wedding or why you would expect to be their childs godmother. My sister and brother will play no part in my wedding (if I ever marry and assuming that my fiance doesn't want my brother/sister to be his best man) other than guests nor with they be the godparents of any children. Same goes with his siblings unless he wants them involved on his side or they're my best friend. I would be furious if either of my siblings expected such things and were pissed off because it didn't go the way they expected.

Elphaba

I don't think it's selfish to think maybe my own brother might ask me to be godmother to his child. We were inseperable for years so some stupid part of me thought that might mean something to him.

As for the wedding thing, there's not many weddings where siblings aren't involved. Of course you an choose to do it your own way but I think it's nice to involve the people you love most in your special day

Elphaba

Daiixi, why would you be furious if your brother/sister thoguht you might ask them to be godparent?? It's hardly a crime

Nevyn

Could be worse you could be the only sibling that wasn't included and wasn't a memeber of the bridal party even when your kids are.

DaDa

If it looks like there's no solution for you and your brother to reconcile, and you've pretty much made all the efforts you can with him to understand what's the problem... then can you meet up with the wife and as politely and as calmly ask her what the issue is. Although I understand that this might be impossible and turn into a disaster. But nothing more to lose?

Also, if it's any consellation to you, there is no way that someone like her is happy, no matter how much outwardly she might try.

Elphaba

Yeah Da da I know she cant be truly happy even if she thinks she is. She's so fake that even if I did ask her politely and calmly what the problem was she'd probably laugh and pretend she didnt know what i was talkin about. I on the other hand would probably end up in jail

daiixi

Elphaba wrote:

Daiixi, why would you be furious if your brother/sister thoguht you might ask them to be godparent?? It's hardly a crime

Did I say that? No I didn't. I said that I'd be furious if they were pissed because they weren't made godparent, which is something you said you were.

In all honestly if there's no problem between your parents and your brother and his wife then perhaps the problem is you?*




* Someone's got to play devils advocate this close to Halloween.

Blush_01

Daiixi, I can see her point about the godparent thing. She probably wouldn't have been so pissed off if her sister-in-law's sisters weren't made the two godmothers. It's like her family aren't good enough to stand for the child(ren). (Maybe I'm not even close, apologies if I'm not!).

LegacyUser

Guys

I really have to point out one thing here and thats when a man gets married his loyalty lies in one place and thats with his wife!!!

Im sorry but this loyalty transcends any previous loyalty to family,friends or anything else!!

im in a position where i got married 2 years ago and since then have distanced alot from my own family while at the same time growing closer to my inlaws. It was never intentional its just what happened.

This is the way I look at it...when your boyfriend and girlfriend you can live together and be what ever way you want....but when you decide to get married youve changed that...you have made a decision to create a life together as a unit...together,inseprable...something that cant be taken as seprate entheties....

I dontknow how many times my sis has spoken to me about my lack of association with my own family...I speak to my brothers and sisters asmuch as I can but when your married your own family takes priority in every respect.But the one thing I have never done is deny my families existance....for example my two brothers were in the wedding party and my sister has been asked to be godmother....

Nevyn

There is the old adage a daughter is a daugher for all of her life,
but a son is a son until he marrys his wife.

Yes peoples life piorities change and yes when you form a new family they come first but there is a difference between that natural spliting off and not seeing each other as often and freezing out siblings for no reason a reason that is never said.

Bob the Builder

kaiser1 wrote:

*Some rant/rave*

Yah, you should start getting closer to your in-laws/wife, etc. but that doesn't mean you throw your own family whom you spent your first 20/25 years of your life living with... Surely you can maintain some sort of relationship...

Ickle Magoo

I'm very close to my family & I am now also very close to my inlaws...there are enough hours in the day to call or visit both, I don't know why marriage would ever have to effect family ties unless you deliberately let it.

OP,

I would ask your brother to come out for a pint with you alone & try & get him to understand how upset you are that you have lost that closeness & also tell him how horrible it is to receive bitchy texts from his wife when she's drunk. I don't see why he can't re-adress the balance. Some people are controlled by their partners & gradually shut off from their friends & family without even realising they are being controlled...a bit of a nudge from you may be just what he needs to realise what is happening. Best of luck

Elphaba

daiixi wrote:

In all honestly if there's no problem between your parents and your brother and his wife then perhaps the problem is you?*




* Someone's got to play devils advocate this close to Halloween.

Em, thanks but as I said in an earlier post my parents know things aren't right so the problem is not me. I spent long enough wondering if it was

koneko

His wife sounds like a succubus. The only thing that'll kill a succubus is a mirror, they get trapped in their own reflection, just smash it then.

It's all fair enough to get married and be more dedicated to each other, but acting like a total ass to family or inlaws is not on.

MojoMaker

daiixi wrote:

I did suggest a "game" to my family when I was about 15 which I called "Bags Grandma". This game involved "bagsing" gran for all family occasions such as Christmas, birthdays, mothers day and Easter before my uncle would think to. This way if he wanted his mum at any occasion he had to convince his wife to spend the day at our place. Worked pretty well after the second year!

Excellent...!

and....

koneko wrote:

His wife sounds like a succubus. The only thing that'll kill a succubus is a mirror, they get trapped in their own reflection

Excellent....!