Someone state the bleedin' obvious please?

Mdriscoll

Hey all,

Thought I;d drop this online to get independant, intelligent advice?

OK, so I met a girl online a little while back, got chatting, exchanged pics etc. Turned out she was really pretty which helped as she ticked all the other boxes too. for me. So we went out, had a mad laugh, snogged her at the end of the night, sent a drunken txt from taxi saying I had a good time and would love to do it again, she replied instantly ''yea, I did too and would like to as well.'' Now, thing is, she travels a lot as in for 2/3 days and is on holiers at the mo til next week. Now, asked her out last week before she took off for the week would she like to go out again and she said that would be nice and could we go out when she got back? Cool yea? Now, I have asked all my mates both male and female and they all seem to think I am a bit thick. As one female friend said ''women just say thanks but no thanks, men say yes and then just vanish.....'' so basically if she said yes then she means it? Now the thing is, she has to be contacted all the time and the mates ae all agreed that she wants to be chased - cool with me as she is worth it. See the thing is, out of a long relationship a good few months and been on a couple of dates, had a few snogs etc but no one really lit a fire in me - probably coz I was thinking of or comparing them to ex - there was one girl who I liked but I knew in my heart I was still rebounding and hard as it was I didn’t go for it - she was really nice but it wasn’t fair so that was that.
So left off the dating thing for about 8/10 weeks or so and got some things sorted in my life including how I felt about ex and after all this self realization I went off on a few more dates, nothing special until this lady (and she is a lady all right!). From the minute I met her I felt relaxed and comfortable with her although truth be told she also had my chest hammering. Had a blast with her and would love to see if it would go anywhere as I haven’t felt like this in god knows how long.

Now all my mates are telling me that of course she is interested, why would she say so? She too is a couple of months out of a relationship and said she feels more than ready to move on, but is she being cautious d’yas think?

I have to admit, I feel like a bloody teenager again (I’m in my thirties), butterflys in stomach etc. So why am I so nervous and anxious? I think it is because I have to initiate every communication with her although she is gamey and good craic when we do get chatting. My best mate asked if I remembered the alst girl he went on a date with - he spent nearly a year chasing her and is now married to her!

So anyway, does she like me and is she playing hard to get (I don’t mind if she is, nothing worthwhile ever came easy) and lastly, is she being cautious?

Sorry if I sound thick here, but I have difficulty thinking straight about this…..bad sign I know after only meeting her the once, but I did get to know her quite well in the preceding 2 weeks up to meeting her (well, as well as you could online/phone talking anyway?)

MD

Faith

How exactly is she playing hard to get? You went out together, kissed, she agreed that she'd like to do it again and provisionally accepted a date for when she's back from her holidays.

I'm not seeing a problem.

Chinafoot

Faith wrote:

How exactly is she playing hard to get? You went out together, kissed, she agreed that she'd like to do it again and provisionally accepted a date for when she's back from her holidays.

I'm not seeing a problem.

Yup, have to agree with Faith here.

You're over-analysing the situation. Just wait til she comes back from her holidays and give her a call and arrange a date. Don't get all paranoid about it or you might scare her off.

As for the communication side of things, you mentioned that she travels a lot. Do you mean that she travels a lot with work and is gone "2/3 days" or that she takes mini-breaks and goes down the country or abroad with friends?
She might just have a very busy life at the moment. As you said yourself, she's always up for the conversation when you do get in touch.

Just take your time and see what happens.

Mdriscoll

Faith wrote:

How exactly is she playing hard to get? You went out together, kissed, she agreed that she'd like to do it again and provisionally accepted a date for when she's back from her holidays.

I'm not seeing a problem.

Well not playing hard to get so much as being cool which I think is a result of being cautious.

To be honest and its to my detriment, but I am not used to chasing, not saying I am a super stud who has women falling at my feet but usually I know pretty quickly where I stand, be it good, bad or indifferent, but she is playing it cool and has me off balance! And you know what? Its working! I am doing all the running and to be honest I am kind of glad of it as she makes me feel alive for the first time in god knows how long (including the last year of former relationship) and if its an old fashioned courtship then bring it on I say! I can be pretty romantic at times and its taking all my willpower not to do something as its waaaay to early for dramatic gestures, yet why do I have this urge to do so? It was only one date yet I am acting all like a sallow youth (to mates, I try to be don juan dela nooch when talking to her.....)

She has already complimented me physically and stuff so I know the physical is sorted, but, as ever, its the heart and head I am at a loss to guage!

So Faith, and forgive the idiocy, you think that its looking OK for now?

Beruthiel

Why not calm down and stop thinking so much.
When she gets back, ask her out again.
Does it bother you that it's you doing all the calling up? I don't see why it should if she's up for going out when you do. If she wasn't interested, she'd just say no, so for now, you can take it that she is.

Mdriscoll

peachypants wrote:

Yup, have to agree with Faith here.

You're over-analyzing the situation. Just wait til she comes back from her holidays and give her a call and arrange a date. Don't get all paranoid about it or you might scare her off.

As for the communication side of things, you mentioned that she travels a lot. Do you mean that she travels a lot with work and is gone "2/3 days" or that she takes mini-breaks and goes down the country or abraod with friends?
She might just have a very busy life at the moment. As you said yourself, she's always up for the conversation when you do get in touch.

Just take your time and see what happens.

I see what your saying Peachy and yes I am trying not to be all paranoid about this, the problem is, she has really gotten to me and I am not usually 'gotten to' like this - half the reason me and the old flame split up is because she reckoned (rightly so) that my heart wasnt in it anymore - I have been dumped for disinterest several times and never bothered me as it was true. But now I am all aflutter! But usually I am 'cool' as in detached or unemotional, not John Travolta in Grease 'Cool' so I am not used to feeling like this?

As I said in the title, someone state the bleedin' obvious with me! Am I that thick?

Chinafoot

Just enjoy the feeling. It's not a bad thing!

If you over-analyse she'll be able to tell and it can be a very big turn off. Take it slowly and see how things go. And most of all, have fun.

Mdriscoll

Beruthiel wrote:

Why not calm down and stop thinking so much.
When she gets back, ask her out again.
Does it bother you that it's you doing all the calling up? I don't see why it should if she's up for going out when you do. If she wasn't interested, she'd just say no, so for now, you can take it that she is.

Thanks Beruthiel - I know your right and it doesnt bother me that I do all the calling - its actually making me even keener as I admit to having the male 'challenge gene' so I am more fired up than I might be?

I know I am overstressing and analysing this and should be careful I dont set myself up for a fall, but I cant help it and I am not used to feeling like this about someone, even if its the nicest feeling I have had in a long,long time?

I suppose its the loss of control that is getting to me - I am a bit of a control person, not a freak but I do like to know whats coming down the line and prepare for it, pretty pragmatic person sometimes although when the time is right I do have my romantic moments that always went down a storm....

So then its agreed, I should shut the f*** up, go for a run or a swim/watch some TV/have a pint - i.e. all the things I normally do, sit back and relax?

Gordon

Mdriscoll wrote:

As I said in the title, someone state the bleedin' obvious with me! Am I that thick?

Yes you are.

You are having fun and your heart goes funny so enjoy it while you are still alive.

Talliesin

Here's a whacky idea. I know it's a bit freaky, but bear with me.

Maybe you've met someone that doesn't play games and therefore when she says "I'd like to do that again" she means that she'd like to do that again, and the fact that she isn't bombarding you with interflora deliveries and discussing colours for bridesmaids dresses means that she's not exactly in love with you (yet anyway) either.

Faith

Mdriscoll wrote:

So Faith, and forgive the idiocy, you think that its looking OK for now?

Yes, yes I do. Just go with it! Stop thinking about it so much. Even if it doesn't work out, at least you're enjoying yourself now.

Mdriscoll

Gordon wrote:

Yes you are.

You are having fun and your heart goes funny so enjoy it while you are still alive.

Thanks Gordon - I need a metaphorical kick in the head I think......But yeah, the heart does go a little funny all right....

Talliesin wrote:

Here's a whacky idea. I know it's a bit freaky, but bear with me.

Maybe you've met someone that doesn't play games and therefore when she says "I'd like to do that again" she means that she'd like to do that again,

Jesus - thats the exact answer I was looking for! Thanks Talliesin! God I feel so thick!

Talliesin wrote:

and the fact that she isn't bombarding you with interflora deliveries and discussing colours for bridesmaids dresses means that she's not exactly in love with you (yet anyway) either.

And isnt the funny thing that if she was I wouldnt be as keen? I wonder who wired us up like this, bet they are pissing themselves laughing wherever they are the cruel feckers.......

Now I am going to bang my head off a table several times whilst telling myself I am an idiot....sorry for wasting peoples time on seems such a trivial matter, rest assured it wasnt trivial for me......

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Why not calm down and stop thinking so much.
When she gets back, ask her out again.
Does it bother you that it's you doing all the calling up? I don't see why it should if she's up for going out when you do. If she wasn't interested, she'd just say no, so for now, you can take it that she is.

What she said.
OP
It is natural that you feel like a teenager. That is what happens when you fancy someone new.
Just don't plane the wedding yet and play the field a little.

MM

Talliesin

Mdriscoll wrote:

I wonder who wired us up like this, bet they are pissing themselves laughing wherever they are the cruel feckers.......

Other people who over-think and assume everyone is playing games. Stop listening to them and you can break the cycle.

Not to say that there aren't plenty of people who do play silly mind-games all the time, but act as if they aren't and they'll generally either stop, reveal themselves as a game-player and you can dump them, or bugger off of their own accord.

Mdriscoll

Talliesin wrote:

Other people who over-think and assume everyone is playing games. Stop listening to them and you can break the cycle.

Not to say that there aren't plenty of people who do play silly mind-games all the time, but act as if they aren't and they'll generally either stop, reveal themselves as a game-player and you can dump them, or bugger off of their own accord.

I dont like games at all although I have 'played' them without even realising it - now I try to say what I mean and mean what I say. Most of my friends are pretty straight talkers and do the same, but yeah, your right, there are plenty of game players out there and you never know one until you get to know them a little better. I'm too long in the tooth to dance around such an important issue, but at the same time I dont wanna be over eager......its tough, but not as tough as daily existence in say Baghdad....all a matter of perspective really? Look at me getting all philosophical.....

Black Swan

Chill out or your excitement might look a little desparate. Take it easy and ask her out when she returns. Good luck!

Kell

Mdriscoll wrote:

See the thing is, out of a long relationship

The bleedin obvious is you dont need anyone in your life right now, you need to take time out, look at yourself and decide if you are mature enough to venture into another relationship.

From your post, it is abundantly obvious that you are not if you take such stupid misleading advice from your friends and are this hung up over a woman after one date.

Stop trying to fill the gap left by your ex. I assume that you are mid twenties, so use this time to get young girls to do things with no commitment that you'll have to pay for in a few years.

FFS :mad:

K-

Before anyone asks, Kell is having a bad day.

Mdriscoll

Kell wrote:

The bleedin obvious is you dont need anyone in your life right now, you need to take time out, look at yourself and decide if you are mature enough to venture into another relationship.

From your post, it is abundantly obvious that you are not if you take such stupid misleading advice from your friends and are this hung up over a woman after one date.

Stop trying to fill the gap left by your ex. I assume that you are mid twenties, so use this time to get young girls to do things with no commitment that you'll have to pay for in a few years.

FFS :mad:

K-

Before anyone asks, Kell is having a bad day.

Jesus Kell, your in a foul mood! Anyone, the whole point of my original thread is that I have done those things that 'I would have to pay for when I am older' and they were pretty meaningless. I also did the serious thing a for a few weeks and still zip, nadda!

So I took a couple of weeks out, went on holidays on my todd to see where I was going in life. Fast forward a few weeks and I am back on dates again, still zip so I leave it again for a few more weeks and then got chatting to this girl online for a while, got to know a bit about her, then got to know some more.

Met up and for the first time in god knows how long I actually feel something 'romantic' for another human being! There was me thinking I was emotionally dead or something, but no, I wasnt? As to the ex, sure I met her and her new fella out a couple of weeks ago and instead of being cut up I ended sitting down with them for a pint and wishing them all the best because it didnt bother me even though I had imagined that it would? So not on rebound either and I am early thirties here not some young fella either. Acting like this is completely out of my nature, I feel like a fool at times! But that was the whole point of my post - I am not thinking straight here?

As to mates advice, they have said similar things to what has been said on this thread so whats bad about that? I just wanted impartial advice? I agree its an odd one being so excited after one date and its annoying me that I am as fazed as I am but isnt that what happens when you like someone? I keep my emotions pretty tight at times, but f**k it, sometimes you have to let the heart have a free rein irrespective of what it does, no highs without lows, no gain without a little risk.....probably end up getting shot down in flames but to be shot down you have to be flying at the time, dont you?

So go easy on me, my lunch is still repeating on me......

Kell

Mdriscoll wrote:

I keep my emotions pretty tight at times, but f**k it, sometimes you have to let the heart have a free rein irrespective of what it does, no highs without lows, no gain without a little risk.....probably end up getting shot down in flames but to be shot down you have to be flying at the time, dont you?

Qualify for me exactly when you parted ways with your ex.

I was simply pointing out that a persons perspective on a new relationship is likely to be skewed by the remnants of an old one without sufficient time in between relationships.

I am all for relationships, but with huge rafts of time in between so you can properly decide that you are in the relastionship for the right reason. It could be for sex, it could be for cuddles, it could be to fill a gap in your life, or, it could be because you WANT the relationship. Far too many people "wake up" in a relationship and wonder how the hell they got there and realise they dont actually want to be in a relationship. By then its too late and everyone gets hurt.

Just make sure you're reasons are right is all.

K-