Fight wit Bf

d-redser

Hi,

This probably wont make much sense but the waiting is killing me.

Me and the bf had a fight on friday night and I havent seen or heard from him since. Its a long story but basically he was in a weird humor all day and kept snapping over little things. We were due to head out that night and just as we were leaving he lost it at me over a complete misunderstanding (I said something and he didnt hear me probably and heared something completely different). I tried to set him straight on what I said but he was so angry and that made me angry too. I packed my things and headed home to my own place.

We have been together for a long time and with previous fall outs I have been the one to try and make things better but this time I am leaving it up to him.

Its the longest we've ever gone without texting/speaking to each other and its killing me that he cant own up to what happened and apologise.

Earlier on that day we were checking out estate agents and planning on buying a house together and we are going on hols at the end of oct which I am really looking forward to.

The waiting is getting to me, all I want to do is try and sort things out but I know I have to keep at it and not be the one always trying to make things better.

My heart feels like its breaking every time the phone rings/texts and its not him, and I have no idea what he is thinking - break up or make up?

Any advice?

Noelie

What did you say and what did he think you said?
Some guys are very stuburn and you may need to make the first move, are you willing the let the relationship end if he doesn't get back in touch? as the first few days are the hardest not to speak, the longer it goes on the easier he may become with not being in contact with you.

Trinity

Talk to him.

If you really want to have a future with him all ego has to go out the window.

I am not saying have no pride, i am saying someone is going to have to make the first move and it looks like it will have to be you.

Even if you both decide to have a bit of space etc, you still need to talk first, leaving it like this is not the way to go.

Particularly if you plan on buying a house together, dont force a big wedge between you now, silence can lead to bitterness and the longer you wait the harder it is.

seamus

If you've been together a long time, I find it strange that you wouldn't talk to each other pretty much the next day to sort it out. Chances are, he's waiting for you to return and sort it (because you're the one who left). There's not much point in maintaining the silence simply because you want him to intiate talks.

It's very possible to be the one who opens negotiations, without being the one who's "crawling back". If you feel the relationship is worth keeping, then call up to him and ask him what his problem is (nicely).

Nalz

show him this thread...easy as that IMO

d-redser

Noelie wrote:

What did you say and what did he think you said?
Some guys are very stuburn and you may need to make the first move, are you willing the let the relationship end if he doesn't get back in touch? as the first few days are the hardest not to speak, the longer it goes on the easier he may become with not being in contact with you.

I have no problem with making the first move, the problem is it seems to be always me that makes the move to sort anything out.

He is really is stubborn but for once I thought that I would let him make the first move and apologise.

Do you think thats wrong? I am really confused.

OrangeOranges

Dat sounds like a pair of tennage angst ridden kids fighting over a hairbrush !!!
I mean WTF!!!! Surely conversation is better than this crap of seeing who blinks first?

Its a fairly straight-forward situation in my book. Chat about the row. If ye feel like ye cant resolve yer differences then so be it. But to throw away a relationship it would want to be significant.

Might be the opportunity to address the fact that he might think its ok to be a moody f*cker snapping and over-reacting?

Maybe you can improve and learn to handle him when he stressed out. I dunno but sounds like ye both need to be adult about things.

Buying a house when yer relationship goes through "not talking" phases is madness

fallout_girl

op, i think you are right to think that for once he has to make the first step. if you really are the one who usually always makes the first move to get everything back on track after a row it surely is very comfy for him.
of course people need to talk after a row and of course conversation is important. but if it is always the same person to start the conversation the relationship in my eyes is a bit unbalanced...

d-redser

fallout_girl wrote:

op, i think you are right to think that for once he has to make the first step. if you really are the one who usually always makes the first move to get everything back on track after a row it surely is very comfy for him.
of course people need to talk after a row and of course conversation is important. but if it is always the same person to start the conversation the relationship in my eyes is a bit unbalanced...

Thats what I was thinking. I would of loved to have met up with him the next day and tried to sort everything out but I knew that it would of been a waste of time. He really does not like to hear that he was in the wrong, for whatever reason.

It does sound like teenagers fighting but we are both in our late 20's. I am the type of person who likes to sort things out as soon as they happen. He tends to brush things under the carpet and not deal with them and avoids confrontation at all costs.

Maybe I do need to find a better way of talking to him. We really get on very well apart from all this and we dont row that often, but when we do, he doesnt want to talk about it.

tbh

I take trinitys point about not letting this drive a wedge between you BUT:

if he was in the wrong, he should apologise. If you just say sorry to get over this, you'll lose some self-respect. are you going to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't think you are worth apologising to?

/devils advocate.

stipey

During all relationships there are bound to be arguments. What makes them so bad is that both parties always want to have the last word. Well, a sure fire way to have the last word is to say "Sorry".

My Dad made that point during his speech at my sisters wedding a few weeks back.

Ok so maybe this doesn't apply exactly to your situation, maybe you don't need to apologise... but for your relationship to carry on somebody needs to make the first move.

I think you need to decide if you want to swallow your pride or take a chance that something will change and your partner will make the first move.

(Either way - it all seems slightly unbalanced and that may be worth thinking long and hard about either way)

The Sweeper

Normally I'd be in the "cop on" camp, but this reminds me of a fight I had in a relationship a long time ago. Basically, like you, I was the one who always did the reconciliation trip. After a while, I realised that the fact that I was reconciliation woman meant that himself wouldn't ever hold back from acting the complete cock. You know the way, when you fight, there's stuff you just don't do? Oh himself had none of those issues, because somewhere at the end of it I'd come trotting up and try and make things right.

After one row, I put myself in the OP's position.

What happened?

He didn't call me. Or text. Or bother his arse. For days. And when he finally did, it was the most patronising approach ever - sort of like "well you've had your silly little tantrum, now are you going to grow up and speak to me?"

We lasted about eight weeks after that. I came to the realisation that a relationship shouldn't be reliant on me picking up the pieces, like some sort of dogged mechanic with a sh1tbox motor, trying to make it keep going at all costs.

I think the OP needs to take a step back and look outside the immediate issue of "should I call or shouldn't I" - what does it mean if he doesn't call?

Miguel_Sanchez

d-redser wrote:

Earlier on that day we were checking out estate agents and planning on buying a house together

Commitment and the fear thereof. We're not too keen on it sometimes us men. Maybe he's getting anxious about that and that's why he was in a weird mood.

Not saying that he doesn't want to do this stuff, just maybe getting a bit overwhelmed by the ties that a house brings with it.

d-redser

MinesBIGSLUT wrote:

Normally I'd be in the "cop on" camp, but this reminds me of a fight I had in a relationship a long time ago. Basically, like you, I was the one who always did the reconciliation trip. After a while, I realised that the fact that I was reconciliation woman meant that himself wouldn't ever hold back from acting the complete cock. You know the way, when you fight, there's stuff you just don't do? Oh himself had none of those issues, because somewhere at the end of it I'd come trotting up and try and make things right.

After one row, I put myself in the OP's position.

What happened?

He didn't call me. Or text. Or bother his arse. For days. And when he finally did, it was the most patronising approach ever - sort of like "well you've had your silly little tantrum, now are you going to grow up and speak to me?"

We lasted about eight weeks after that. I came to the realisation that a relationship shouldn't be reliant on me picking up the pieces, like some sort of dogged mechanic with a sh1tbox motor, trying to make it keep going at all costs.

I think the OP needs to take a step back and look outside the immediate issue of "should I call or shouldn't I" - what does it mean if he doesn't call?

Maybe you're right. We usually get on really well, its just when it comes to rows.

Talliesin

d-redser wrote:

We usually get on really well, its just when it comes to rows.

I could say that I usually look after my lungs really well, its just the 20 times a day when I smoke that go against the general pattern.

Rows how often?

And he's as bad as this at reconcilliation.

You could let it draw out. See how long it's going. Probably a good idea to make alternate plans as far as that property you were looking at in the meantime.

Or, call him, but this time get the two of you to sort this out long-term, rather than waiting for the next time.

Trinity

I'm backtracking here and saying she should only make contact if she really wants to save the relationship!!

Its obviously serious if you are planning on buying a house together. The relationship part and his shortcomings on the and moods department are something entirely different to think about.

This is your future. All i am saying is dont play games. Once you have made the initial contact you may then tell him how you always having to pick up the peices after a row hurt you.

These things need to be discussed like adults. He may just expect you to do it now, we pick up bad habits in relationships, one is usually the fixer - this is you in this case.

I may be shot for this but men are not as quick to pick up on the hints or tantrums we laydees throw, they are not like other women, they dont always just know whats wrong!! - ya gotta spell it out for em sometimes! Tell him his moods are upsetting and you do not like running back to him all the time to fix things.

My initial thoughts too were the pressure of buying a house together etc.

Black Swan

Trinity1 wrote:

I may be shot for this but men are not as quick to pick up on the hints or tantrums we laydees throw, they are not like other women, they dont always just know whats wrong!! - ya gotta spell it out for em sometimes! Tell him his moods are upsetting and you do not like running back to him all the time to fix things.

Whoa, what a useful observation. It's been said before in different ways, but men and women are different in the ways they see things and interact. Like the book with the silly title, Men are from Mars and Women from Venus?

d-redser

Thanks for all your advice. I took all of it in and called over to him last night to sort it out. I couldnt let it go on any longer and explained exactly how I felt. I told him that his attitude after a row was enough for me to end our relationship completly as this would be the way he would treat me in years to come and it shocked him.

We had a good talk (and a little shout) with each other and cleared the air and the problems we had.

As far as buying a house together, I am going to slow down in that department and see how we get on. If it happens again, well I will really have to rethink everything.

Thanks again guys for all your advice.

tbh

If you were my sister, and looking for advice - I'd probably advise you to do exactly what you've done. Fair play, and good luck.

Talliesin

Trinity1 wrote:

I may be shot for this but men are not as quick to pick up on the hints or tantrums we laydees throw

Tantrums are thrown by toddlers.

seamus

Trinity1 wrote:

I may be shot for this but men are not as quick to pick up on the hints or tantrums we laydees throw, they are not like other women, they dont always just know whats wrong!! - ya gotta spell it out for em sometimes!

Men don't pick up on hints or tantrums. Ever. If you pull a tantrum, there's two things that may happen:

1. He won't have a clue what's wrong, but will apologise anyway, and try make it up to you. Because the woman has made no attempt to communicate the issue, it won't go away.

2. He won't have a clue what's wrong and will let you sort it out yourself, like he would do. You will stew and stew and wonder why the hell he doesn't care, but he's completely oblivious because all he knows is that you're pissed off, but you haven't told him he's done anything wrong, so it's not his problem.

Always, always, always just say it straight out. He won't be able to read your mind ladies.

tbh

there is that aspect to it - there's also the aspect that he knows exactly what you are doing but is refusing to engage with you because he thinks throwing a tantrum is childish but I don't think that's what's happening with the OP in fairness. It comes back to something i was saying somewhere else, life is full of these unwritten social contracts that make life so much easier as long as everyone sticks to the rules.

it's hard to make a sincere apology, because you make yourself vunerable, but that's what makes the apology a worthwhile gesture - you are saying to the person you are apologising to that their feelings are worth more to you than your own, in this case. If the OP's boyfriend is not prepared to do that for - supposedly - the love of his life, even when it's his fault that the situation has arisen, then how much are his feelings really worth?