How do you know when you are finished..

newwifey

How do you know when you are finished having children?

Do you make a plan to have X amount and stick to that?

Or do you finish when you have a particularly cranky or troublesome one?

We have two children and are currently trying for our third. I have always wanted a big family but himself isn't so sure and keeps insisting this one will be the last. Obviously this does not bother me yet as we are still only working on this one and I may well agree with him after this one arrives.

How did ye decide on the magic number?

Nevyn

I was told by my dr for my own mental health due to post natal depression I should not have any more.

Thankfully I was ok with that as I had alread had a son and a daughter.

You have to look at how long you want to be a mother of small children for what the finacnes are and how that will change as you move forward.

Is your hubby considering getting the snip after child number 3 ?

Kashkai

"Getting the snip" - ouch, what a way to make any man's eyes water!!!:D

When it comes to deciding how many kids you want, the primary decision is that both of you should want another child. If you pressure the hubby into having another, he might give in (well most men like the process of making babies), the problems may arise later when he resents having another screaming baby keeping him awake at night or having to pay another lump of his wages on childcare.

Family finances are (unfortunately) an important factor when it comes to deciding on whether to have another child. In this day and age of huge mortgages, childcare costs, long working hours etc, trying to manage a new baby can lead to a lot of stress on a marriage.

We've had twins in the past year who are terrible sleepers. I doubt if my wife or I have had more than four hours of continuous sleep a night in the ten months since the twins were born. However, we both wanted them, are delighted with them, and know that we will survive the sleepless nights until one day the two little monsters, sorry I mean darlings, decide to let mam and dad get some rest. In fact, we are trying for another baby ourselves at the moment as we are both in our late thirties and we feel we don't have the time to wait a couple of years before trying again.

In my opinion, kids make life worthwhile. They can open your eyes to how great simple things in life can be. Crawling around on the floor with your babies, colouring in pictures, kicking leaves into the air - all these things amuse my kids and I love to see them laugh and smile. It makes you put the rest of your life into perspective. Childcare costs won't last forever, the mortgage will be paid eventually but hopefully your kids will be with you for the rest of your life (although some people would think thats not such a good thing:D )

scrattletrap

Like Thaedydal after my second I was told on medical grounds not to have another, but I was and still am quite happy with that, two is plenty for me and their old enough now 9 & 7 so I think there is now too large a gap for another one too.

littlebug

This is something that's on my mind a lot these days too.

I always said i'd be finished having babies by 35. i'm now 36.
My 2 were terrible sleepers, the first one didn't settle til she was nearly 2 although the second one settled by 6 months. Returning to that state of sleeplessness fills me with dread.
We survived for a year on 1 salary after the second one but it was a struggle. Now I work freelance part-time from home and only have childcare for 3 hours in the morning. perfect arrangement. My husband definitely does not want another child.

YET... despite all of the above there is some little hormone in there screaming at me..."have another one while you still can!"

I know we won't because of all of the above.... but there is that little niggling instinct thing going on.

magnumlady

Myself and my hubby never really decided, we have two lovely kids and have always felt that it we had another one then so be it.
Although I kind of think two is perfect, no having to get big people carriers etc. Also now that the children are 13 and 11 the gap would be too big.

coralcathy

Interesting topic, have one child and will have no more.

Reason is the birth was horrific.

People are always asking when the next one will be, and cant understand I dont want to give birth again.

Even to see a pregnant woman gives me shivers.

Nevyn

Actually I could go through pregnancy again and giving birth ( it was two of THE most intense physical experiences I have ever had) but I could not go through the first few months with a new born.

I am sorry that you had such a horriffic time of it coralcathy.

magnumlady

I totally agree with you Thaedyda, I also found the pregnancy and births no problem, it was just the shock of the first few months.
Also sorry that you had such a tough time coralcathy, my first birth was fairly bad. The second one though only took an hour!!

daiixi

I don't think there's any such thing as too much of an age gap between children, it just comes down to whether you want another child or not. My sister and I were 7 & 9 when my brother was born and mam had an inbuilt babysitter. My brother has always gotten along better with my sister and I than she and I ever got along with each other.

Khannie

Great question OP. We're waiting on our second (my first baby). Finances wouldn't bother me tbh. You'll always get by. That's a lifestyle choice really. I suppose I'd like as many children as possible. I like the idea of all that love. My perspective may have changed slightly by this time next year though.

magnumlady wrote:

The second one though only took an hour!!

:eek: Nice!

daiixi wrote:

I don't think there's any such thing as too much of an age gap between children

Totally agree with this. My older sister is 14 years older than me! :eek: My mother still swears that I was planned.

Dreamer 7

I have a boy and a girl with only 14 mths between them. We never planned them but love them to pieces.
Usually after a few drinks I would tease him saying you'd love another and we do agree that it wouldnt be the end of the world if another came along.
But I do think if I had another I would need to have one more to even things up!!

After my first I had crippling depression which took over my life until my daughter popped into the world, I believe due to the fact I was sectioned the first time around that my body didnt complete its "mission" and it took my daughter to complete the cycle.

The threat of depression would put me off and the kids are 3 and 4 now so we are just about getting on our feet, but at 25 I'm too young to say never.....

coralcathy

Interesting post Dreamer, I had a natural birth and had PND I always thought it was the fact that the birth was so traumatic that triggered my depression

deisemum

Oh no more. Perish the thought. My baby is 9 today, the older lad is 11. I'm 42 so I'm at a dangerous age (in my opinion) and a lot of women are getting caught out with unplanned pregnancies in their 40's.

I had dreadful pregnancies and there's no way on earth I'd willingly try and get pregnant again. Labour was a relief. The youngest didn't sleep more than 2 hours straight until he was 15 months. My sleep pattern hasn't been right since.

If I want any small babies around there's no shortage as I'm a childminder and have taken young babies even as young as 7 weeks.

My 2 boys are at a lovely stage, past the young demanding stage and before the teens.

fobs

I have 2 so far a girl aged 4 and a boy aged 2. Not sure if I have finished with kids as swing between wanting one more and thinking we a re finished. i will be 36 soon so recking time isn't on my side to be making a decision. At the moment i am on the no side of wanting another

newwifey

Thanks for all the replies. I do appreciate it. It seems that some of you are definite for one reason or another against having more. Some of you are still undecided.

I read once that if a husband and wife differ as to whether they have should have more kids or not they should always go with more as you never regret having kids when they come along whereas you may regred NOT having them.

Dont know if this argument will swing the hubby!
And Thaedaeyl he would never get the snip. Well actually I don't know that for a fact but I would assume not.

There is a ten year age gap between our two children and one dotes on the other. However even though we have two kids there is still only one baby in the house. The older one is 11 and as deisemum says he is at a lovely age and will always accommodate his baby sister but I may feel completely different when (and if) there are two babies in the house.

Hubby comes from a big family and I just love his house at Christmas when all his siblings are there with their own children. His parents are never short of visitors or grandchildren. This is what I would love for myself as I come form a small family where mine are the only grandchildren.

Money would never be a deciding factor either as our parents made do with a lot less and still got by.

So I guess I will get on with making baby no. 3 and take it from there.:D

Nevyn

newwifey wrote:

I read once that if a husband and wife differ as to whether they have should have more kids or not they should always go with more as you never regret having kids when they come along whereas you may regred NOT having them.

Honestly I disagree with that, if both adults can not decide togheter then I would think it wrong to spring another child on the other parent.
I know marriages/relationships that soured/ended over such things.

newwifey wrote:

And Thaedaeyl he would never get the snip. Well actually I don't know that for a fact but I would assume not.

Well why have you not talked to him about it ?
Contraception is something that every couple in a long term relationship should talk about and esp when it comes to planning your family and as you both get older.

There is an upper age limit when it comes to taking the pill and there is the wonders of menapause and serverl people can get 'caught' out when they tought they were no longer fertile due to the length of time the menapause can be.

Do some research on what the options are for both of you and what they including the snip would entail and talk about it.

newwifey wrote:

There is a ten year age gap between our two children and one dotes on the other. However even though we have two kids there is still only one baby in the house. The older one is 11 and as deisemum says he is at a lovely age and will always accommodate his baby sister but I may feel completely different when (and if) there are two babies in the house.

There is a 2 and 1/2 year gap between my two and if I knew then what I know now I would have left it at least 3 maybe 4 years.

newwifey wrote:

Hubby comes from a big family and I just love his house at Christmas when all his siblings are there with their own children. His parents are never short of visitors or grandchildren. This is what I would love for myself as I come form a small family where mine are the only grandchildren.

Familys are getting smaller, I am the eldest of 5 but as of yet my two are the only grand children and thier dad is only 1 of 2 and they are the only grandchildren on his side of the family. Such is life.

newwifey wrote:

So I guess I will get on with making baby no. 3 and take it from there.:D

Well just make sure you are both on the same page and if it is what you both want then I wish you well, good luck in getting pregnant and an easy time of it an a healthy addition to your family.

simu

I don't think I'll know how many til the menopause! It seems like the sort of thing you'd keep changing your mind over as circumstances change. Atm, I'm pretty pro-baby because my experience of pregnancy was trouble-free and my baby son is luckily very well-behaved so far. But who knows what the future has in store...

myjugsarehuge

My kids are 13 and 12, just 16 mths between them. I had problem births with both of them, a caesarian and then a ventouse for the second. When the youngest was about 2 I got very broody again, I loved breastfeeding and missed the way little babies are completely dependant on you (the broody feelings were more intense if I had a couple of glasses of wine too many lol)

We decided to give it 6 mths and not rush anything. After 6 months I had gone off the idea completely. My kids were both great, no tantrums, fed well and slept well at night, my body had just changed and the maternal desire had gone. It went for good, I don't get maternal at all now.

I'm 39 and my husband and I split up 7 years ago after 13 years together. He loved the booze more than me and the kids which was sad. He threw it in my face that it was me that wanted the kids not him, I never heard him complain while we were making them.

My fella now has 2 grown up boys in their 20s from his previous marriage and our family is complete. He had the snip of his own volition many years ago so I don't have to use contraceptions which is great, my body belongs to me without the need for pills and hormones. Vasectomy should definitely be encouraged when you are sure your family is complete.

up for anything

I have four and stopped when I realised that I wouldn't be able to cope with another one. If there isn't a physical reason stopping you I think you eventually come to a realisation that you've finished.... that and the thoughts of college fees.:(

newtons68

coralcathy wrote: »

Interesting topic, have one child and will have no more.

Reason is the birth was horrific.

People are always asking when the next one will be, and cant understand I dont want to give birth again.

Even to see a pregnant woman gives me shivers.

Hi,
I have two sons, but I almost didn't - what happened when you delivered that was so awful???

Shelli

very interesting discussion, esp considering its the conversation me and my oh had last night. I got quite emotional, he said he doesnt want another for at least 10yrs, but that he does want more. I hadnt planned waiting that long (i'm 5 yrs older than him)

I always said I wanted 4 kids, but with one baby now i dont know. But we'll take it as it comes and talk about it again later on, I think 4yrs is a nice gap, so we said we'll discuss trying again when the little one is 3......see how we cope with this one first and how our finances (and mental health ) is then!

I think you'll just know yourself when your finished, I really dont think it's something you can plan until you've reached that stage.

loyatemu

we have 3, fairly close together - all under 5. this makes life pretty hectic and we wouldn't contemplate having a fourth anytime soon, but that could change once things have settled down a bit.

Kids are very expensive though - I used to think "hey, once they're out of nappies, or off the formula, we'll be saving some money" but as they get older, they eat more, their clothes cost more and they grow out of them quicker, there's school expenses and a whole rake of other stuff that you don't see coming. In an ideal world you wouldn't have to make such decisions based on finances, but such is life...

Lizzykins

Funnily enough we never discussed how many kids we wanted before we got married. I came from a family of 5 and would have settled for 3 kids. Hubby comes from a family of 7 and would have settled for 2 kids so we could have a life! We had 3 and were happy with that. Fast forward 10 years and we had another! Defintely no more! 4 kids is pushing it a bit. You need a good income and plenty of patience plus don't be houseproud!

High&Low

We have an 18 month old and another due in 4 months time.

I am 32 and my wife is 31. I don't want to have any kids after I am 36 as I don't really want to be an old Dad, my wife seems happy enough with this, but wants at least 3 kids. I see my parents and my wife's parents who are all in their late 50's early 60's really enjoying their grandkids and enjoying the fact that their own kids are grown up and left home while they (the parents) are still reasonably young.

I am not criticising older parents in any way, it is just how I feel.

Lizzykins

I was 41 having my last and hubby was 47! Good and bad sides to having kids at an older age. Next year we have one starting school and one for college! We'll never be finished!

themadchef

great discussion, we (lol almost said i) have 4 children, 3 years and under.....i know ...madness. planned the first one after miscarraige was delighted to have a child..didint worry about getting pregnant because we wanted to have 2 fairly close and be done with it...6 weeks later (blame fathers day;))...pregnant again...not exactly planned but not the end f the world either..10mts and a day between them. great, lot of work but job done. 2 sections found them to be ok.

So many reasons why i shouldint have got pregnant again, but i did, and cried when i consultant told me it was twins, but i did and thats life. so many ppl cant have kids and there i was weeping at the thought of 2 more! every time i feel its too much work i try to check myself and remind myself of how i felt when i thought i couldint have kids. i feel 4 is enough..lord i felt 2 was enough! but short of tubes tied or vasectomy.... you can never say never. i think its a joint decision obviously but i was sitting beside a woman that same day who had the marina coil in..and she was 23 weeks pregnant!
i love them all to bits, and its strange twins fits well as the other two are so close...and thank god, once we got the first 6 weeks over us not one sleepless night....it wasint my plan or my husbands plan..but it seems to have been a good plan all the same lol

kelle

I had two children, childbirth was pleasant because they were Caesareans! I found having 2 small children horrendous and vowed I'd never have another. Then, when my younger child was 3 I yearned for another, and went ahead and had no.3. Unfortunately, she's a very clingy, contrary child who has been evicted from a creche and is with a childminder at present who is giving her one more week to see will she settle! It looks like I may need to take unpaid leave from my job, my only consolation is my mortgage is low and we could live on one wage.
After this, there will definitely NOT be a no.4!

Ayla

I think this question is an extremely hard and personal decision to be made by both parents. There are no right answers, and (as we've seen in this thread) what is good for one time in life might not be for another.

I always thought I'd have four kids, and I always wanted a bigg-ish family. Now I have one child and I'm not sure I want another. Not for the hassle, or the stress or the money strain. No, I'm not sure I want another b/c I'm not sure I want to share the attention and love that I currently have for my daughter with another child. Also, I've noticed that my attention for my husband has taken a far second to what I heap on my daughter, so how much more would he suffer if there are two or more children?

I love the fact that when I come home from work at night I have a routine with my daughter and I can enjoy our playtime. I can give her all of my attention and don't have to be split between trying to give it all to two children.

You look at parents of multiple children and they always look so stressed and aggrevated. They have to be constantly on guard and have to juggle tantrums, arguments and tears. I can't think of once that I've seen a parent out with several kids when the parent's been happy and playful with all of the children. And that makes me sad.

Of course, I know my hubby wants at least one more, and perhaps with time I will as well. But it's a tough decision and not one to take lightly.

Kernel32

My wife and I have a 5 year old and a 19 month old and we know we are done. I am 32 and she is 34 and we want to be able to have more time for ourselves on and we want to be able to take the kids traveling. I can't imagine having another one and going right back to step 1 arghhhhh.

We struggled with having more than one even. But it was worth it. Our first is a boy and our second a girl. They are both very different to each other. Our son is a rule follower. He takes great pride in following the rules, sometimes to a point where we have to tell him he doesn't need to point out all the rules to the other kids. He loves science and gadgets and has a great attention span.

His sister is a firecracker. She laughs at me when I tell her off. She can't be allowed to have a crayon as she will try to write on everything. When I tell her off for doing that she tries to write on me. Her brother wrote on the floor just once, we told him off and he never did it again. But she has a smile and a laugh that would melt your heart.

The differences between the two and how they interact has been wonderful to watch, but I'm still not compelled to add a third in there!