Ex Girlfriend - Friendship

craichoe

I guess this is more about my problems than her

About 3 years ago i met this girl at a party through a friend, basically long story short we ended up going out for two years. Over the course of the relationship it became clear that we were different people, me being her social crutch and her controlling when i could go out and who i could see. I hardly ever saw my friends anymore, there was always something like she was tired, or she wasnt feeling well, wanted to go home.

She used to get really annoyed when i'd come home from work tired, i'd just want to sit down and relax for a while and she'd want me to go cleaning the house and doing the dishes and making dinner etc, i had a really horrible job at the time and she was going to college and not working, had a alot more free time i think. She's ended up doing the job now that i was doing back then! She told me the other day that she understands now why i was so wrecked after work.

My dad gave her a summer job the first year we were going out and the second year. She had this "friend" in work that she told me about, i never thought anything of it and even gave her advice when they had a fight.

So her mum and sister came over on holidays (they and she are from another country) i ended up driving them half the way up the country. i noticed she was a bit strange. Anyways when we got home, she said she wanted to break up, she was heading away for her erasmus year abroad. The two of us went back to her house, i was ok with it at the time, but really she waited until after i'd been her mum and sisters personal taxi around ireland. I went upstairs and got my stuff was gonna stay in my parents place for the night. and she was after leaving the house, i drove down the hill and around the corner and i couldnt believe my eyes, there she was with that guy from work kissing him, i nearly crashed the car!

I never felt so heartbroken and angry at the same time, i've never felt like that, i went back looking for them wanting to confront the two of them. She disappeared for 2 days and i didnt know what was after happening, she showed up anyway after the 2 days and wouldn't tell me where she was. She wanted me to leave the house (which i was paying for). I was ok up to the day before she was supposed to leave, she told me she slept with the guy that night and i told her to get the f*ck out of the house, i couldn't even look at her. She sais she couldnt stay in his house because he lives with his parents.

She left for the year away, i went over to visit (dunno why) stuff happened and we ended up getting back together. After about 2 months of the long distance thing i realised the same thing was happening again, i was ending up sitting home on my own so she could talk to me and if i didnt she'd get all upset. So around this time i met a girl one night a random stranger, nothing ever happened but i realised this was what it was supposed to be like with another person, it was more 2 way than 1 way if that makes any sense. I broke up with her over the phone, i felt she had to know before she came back how i felt, it was basically i was feeling trapped and isolated from my friends who though i was a total idiot for taking her back.

I met that random girl again and we went on a few dates, which were absolutely amazing, i think it didnt go very far as we were both out of long term relationships with various baggage

So she came back a month ago, I was fine with it as i'm not attracted to her anymore (for a long time i think, there were sexual issues on her side) I've been doing the single guy thing for a while and its great ! no ties and you can go out with whoever you want whenever you want.

The ex has always been using me imho, i found the apartment for her when she got back from the year abroad and let her and her friend stay in my apartment the first night they got back because they couldnt get the keys to move in. I invited her over for dinner to my place and said we could go for a few drinks afterwards. She was sitting on the couch, well basically she went to kiss me, it didnt register "this is your ex, wtf are you doing" We ended up doing stuff but not sex (again due to issues). I wasnt wierd about it, i think its because im a bit older and basically sh*t happens. She said it to me one night and said we could never be together again, I didn't know what she meant as i would never get into that situation again!

So myself and some friends were out in a bar, i saw her with a guy and was fine with it (i didn't recognise him) it was the guy she was working with and had been with (i think) while we were going out. I was talking to this guy for around 10 minutes, he told me his name was a different name. It didnt register at the time but he was being really agressive and cheeky with me. The guy is a total scumbag !

So last night i was going to stay in and install Linux on my laptop for work Totally nerdy i know, but a buddy ended up calling over to go for a beer. I got a txt off her saying "sorry, just had dinner, was starving do you wanna go for a couple of drinks?"

I was confused as i had told her i'd be busy working .. So i txt'd back saying , yeh me and *friend* are going out for a beer and she could come along. She txt'd back saying "Sorry, though you were doing your nerdy stuff tonight" I told her the story and said *friend* called over. she then said

"sorry that txt msg wasnt meant for you, im already going out, i look like a right bitch now"

So i rang her and told her it was grand and to go enjoy herself.

I don't even feel attracted to my ex one little bit anymore, but i'm slightly pissed off she's still back seeing this guy and is she playing games with me ? I'm pretty honest and straight up with people and hate it when people arent the same with me.

I mean i'm pretty much seeing someone else anyway and its great!

I heard through the people where she worked that his guy ended up trying to get the bosses son's girlfriend as a bet.

What should i do?

Apologies this grew so long!

Owen

This girl deserves no amount of your time. Absolutely none. She's not trust worthy, she's a cheater, a liar, and a controller. She's in a situation where she did have feelings for you some time ago, has lost those feelings and is having fun with other people. But the odd time she's feeling lonely, she texts you to get a little power trip by having you text back.

You probably still have a little place in your heart for her. And that's allowed. You were betrayed, and hurt, and had your stomach churned by her. And in the back of your subconscious mind, you'd still like to go to a time when everything was okay, and you had great fun with her.

BUT, and here's the tough part. It won't happen. She can't be trusted with your heart, and you have to be selfish. To control what's happening, you have to regulate your contact with her. When she texts, don't text back until the next day no matter how hard it is. She'll soon realise just how quick your life is progressing without her and stop toying with you. And you'll find each time you delay texting her back, just how easy it is to put her in the back of your mind.

In case you hadn't guessed, I've been there, and done that!

gerTheGreat

Why are you still talking to her? You clearly were not right together, and it sounds like that you aren't exactly friends material. Move on, don't let her control your life anymore. If the new guy in her life is like that, then that's her problem. My advice, don't answer her texts, don't call her, move on. You clearly can never have a proper relationship with you.

Dinxminx

She's screwing with your head. Just stop talking to her, she's not worth it. You sound much happier without her tbh.

craichoe

gerTheGreat wrote:

Why are you still talking to her? You clearly were not right together, and it sounds like that you aren't exactly friends material. Move on, don't let her control your life anymore. If the new guy in her life is like that, then that's her problem. My advice, don't answer her texts, don't call her, move on. You clearly can never have a proper relationship with you.

I'm pretty easy going, the only time in my entire life i've done that was with a guy who ripped me out of 300 euro

She did make me feel like that at some stage, but believe me i know it can never work, but im not even attracted to her anymore... hmmm ....

I know she's those thing that the second poster said, i guess i have friends who made mistakes and i've made my own share but I take the opinion that people can forgive and forget.

I'll be perfectly fine with this if she stops with the wierd conversations and mixed messages. I think the guy who posted second has the right idea, i asked her to go shopping with me today (if there wasnt a girl there i'd come back wearing bin bags) Maybe i should tell her i'm giving it a miss and ask someone else to go with me.

faceman

OP, i mean this in the nicest possible way but you need to grow some backbone. That ex of urs is a drain on your life. Turn a new leaf, ignore her. Go out and enjoy ur life. If you're out and you see her, you make even more effort (even if its put on) so that she can see how happy you are.

That drives girls mad and she will get in touch and you ignore her. If you want to get on with your life ignore her. You have proven to yourself you can get on without her so what you worrying about?

monkey tennis

Sounds like you're prepared to let her walk all over you yet again. Maybe sit down and work out logically whether you have anything to gain from having her in your life.

LegacyUser

Man, you are being TOO NICE about someone obviously playing twisted games with your head!!
Seriously man WAKE UP!!
She has zero respect for you. That is very clear from her actions.
My advice would be to look after yourself & stand up for yourself, completeley shut her out of your life, you don't need someone like this in your life.
It sounds to me like your relationship with this girl may have had adverse affects on your own self esteem.

Bottom Line:

Stand Up be the Man that you are, shut her off, forget about her & get out there & meet a proper female!!

craichoe

monkey tennis wrote:

Sounds like you're prepared to let her walk all over you yet again. Maybe sit down and work out logically whether you have anything to gain from having her in your life.

I don't think i've ever tried to work out what i have to gain by including or excluding people in my life. Is this wrong ?

The_Conductor

Errr- being friends with an ex never, ever, ever works.
She has treated you like a doormat- a compliant doormat, and will do the exact same again and again.
You are happy enough without her- why would you even consider getting back with her.

Move on.....

CathyMoran

smccarrick wrote:

Errr- being friends with an ex never, ever, ever works.
She has treated you like a doormat- a compliant doormat, and will do the exact same again and again.
You are happy enough without her- why would you even consider getting back with her.

Move on.....

Agree with Shane on this one - unless she is treating you well and both of you want to get back there is no point in staying friends with her.

afatbollix

i know a person in your case also... she dosent like him anymore. and has told him so.. he dosent believe her mainly because she answers his txtes and visits him all the time.. this just sends out the wrong signals... so ill tell her to just leave him alone and he will get the message..

mate if i was you i would delete her phone number and forget about her... as i said.. my friend could get this guy to do anything for her and to be honest its not really funny watch her do it... id say your in the same posittion... dont txt back. say your busy on the phone etc.. and mate it looks like you just cant say them things.. it can be really hard but its just got to be done..

craichoe

anto-t wrote:

i know a person in your case also... she dosent like him anymore. and has told him so.. he dosent believe her mainly because she answers his txtes and visits him all the time.. this just sends out the wrong signals... so ill tell her to just leave him alone and he will get the message..

mate if i was you i would delete her phone number and forget about her... as i said.. my friend could get this guy to do anything for her and to be honest its not really funny watch her do it... id say your in the same posittion... dont txt back. say your busy on the phone etc.. and mate it looks like you just cant say them things.. it can be really hard but its just got to be done..

Ugh .. but your not getting it ... i "don't" like her anymore ..

I think part of this is that shes friends with my friends, not talking anymore might things more awkward. I'm seeing someone else

secret_squirrel

I think you're a bit confused and in denial OP.

This girl is confusing you enough to start a PI thread on it, then when everyone says the obvious thing (cut off contact with the witch) you come up with all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't.

Re-read all your previous posts and cop on to yourself ffs.

Face it you still have some kind of soft spot for her. Until you deal with that she is always going to confuse you.

You dont have to make a big deal of ignoring her - you dont even have to tell her. Just act completely indifferent to her. Dont call, dont text and if you see her with your mates just make polite conversation with her before moving on to chat with someone else.

This girl is poison and still manipulating you.

craichoe

I haven't been making an effort to see her and i'm seeing someone else anyways, but i don't think im in denial. If i make it a point of not talking to her anymore is that any different and wouldnt that make it wierd when im around her with friends and whatever. Or X cannot go out because Y will be there. I've seen that before and it sucks... Whoever can't go because whoever else will be there.

secret_squirrel

craichoe wrote:

If i make it a point of not talking to her anymore is that any different and wouldnt that make it wierd when im around her with friends and whatever. Or X cannot go out because Y will be there. I've seen that before and it sucks... Whoever can't go because whoever else will be there.

Did you miss this bit of my post?

me wrote:

You dont have to make a big deal of ignoring her - you dont even have to tell her. Just act completely indifferent to her. Dont call, dont text and if you see her with your mates just make polite conversation with her before moving on to chat with someone else.

You dont have to completely ignore her - just dont encourage her.

Remember you are the one who has a problem with her. If you aren't prepared to take action why did you waste time posting on PI??

im_invisible

craichoe wrote:

I don't even feel attracted to my ex one little bit anymore, but i'm slightly pissed off she's still back seeing this guy and is she playing games with me ? I'm pretty honest and straight up with people and hate it when people arent the same with me.

I mean i'm pretty much seeing someone else anyway and its great!

I heard through the people where she worked that his guy ended up trying to get the bosses son's girlfriend as a bet.

What should i do?

hey, im just the same as everyone else here, i suppose. just giving my opinion, from my point of veiw, and in my opinion i think i can see where your comming from.

so, your not attracted to her, but you dont want to see her get hurt, which she will if she stays with this guy, two options, talk to her as a friend, blah, blah, things will very probably get messy, or just leave her to make her own mistakes. if it happens that she needs a place to stay, or whatever, dont be too accomadating [/pun]

the other thing about her playing games, id say the text was just sent to the wrong fone, it happens.

Remember you are the one who has a problem with her. If you aren't prepared to take action why did you waste time posting on PI??

but sure isnt that what most of us on here do?

Talliesin

I don't agree with the people who say that being friends with an ex- never works.

However, it's certainly not something that always works either.

She doesn't sound like she's being much of a friend.

Dinxminx

Listen to Secret Squirrel; words of wisdom.

Chinafoot

craichoe wrote:

I don't think i've ever tried to work out what i have to gain by including or excluding people in my life. Is this wrong ?

No it's not wrong, however there are times when you need to recognise when people are quite simply bad for you.

If anyone treated me the way that this girl treated you (repeatedly it would seem) then I wouldn not give them a second of my time. By your own admission you feel like she is using you. Why would you want to put yourself in the position which enables her to do that? Do you think she's going to change, or that deep down she's a nice person who you want to have as a friend?

Saying that it would cause tension or awkwardness amongst your mutual friends is a pretty crappy excuse tbh. That is no reason to allow somebody to walk all over you and treat you the way she has treated you. You need to know when to cut your losses in situations like this.

She will only treat you the way you allow her to treat you.

As for her relationship with this guy, it's not really any of your business. Maybe he is a scumbag and maybe he will cheat on her. Karma's a bítch, eh?

My advice would be to acknowledge how she makes you feel, realise that there is very little hope of any decent sort of friendship on her part judging from your posts and don't let her take up any more of your time.

NeMiSiS

Walk awa. Far , far away.

craichoe

Maybe ye're right ... arra i dont really give a toss at this stage anyways .. bloody wrecked tired

oulu

Hello Mr Doormat, what is wrong with you sorry to be blunt but you need a kick up the backside. She is no longer your problem so let it go give up the ghost. She knows you will always be there like the faithful puppy dog when she needs to feel wanted and needed, do yourself a favor and her change your number and have no more to do with her, dont drink where you know she will be drinking if you do then you are looking for drama and all that goes with it,

craichoe

Yes .. ye were right ...

Told her its better if we dont talk anymor, she asked why, i said its better if we didnt get into it. It was taking its toll on me. Changed all passwords and asked for my stuff that she has. She can sort out her own sh*t from now on.

Thanks lads

Magic Pips

she could totally be a "special" friend. As long as you remain in control of the situation - which you sound like u are! good luck

dr.bollocko

Fair ****s man, that was a hard step to take. But there is no point having her in your life after all that.
Chance now for you to stop worrying about her **** and get on with your life.

craichoe

Gah ! I feel guilty ..
Its for the best though i think .. Never done this to anyone before, kinda new to me

dr.bollocko

Man she is emotionally blackmailing you. just remember that that is what it is, and that you are justified in taking a course of action to avoid it, and her.

Owen

Well stay tough mate. You've taken the right step forward, and it is a difficult one to take, but it's going to be much much easier in the long term.