trusting issues?

LegacyUser

Hi there. I am in a Long distance relationship with a number of years. I adore this guy for reasons unknown to me. He has cheated on me numerous times and lied so damn often. Last time he said "he'd changed for good". He has never told me about these flings but has always been found out by other mates who told me as they dislike this guy very much.
Thing is recently he said he was saying at his boss's as they were going away the next day and it would be easier to go from boss house. Thing is I found out from a friend that his boss was away for a week on holidays and this boyfriend of mine was actually stayin with his Boss daughter who is 20 to "look after her" for the week . Apparently she was afraid. Anyway when I confronted him he denied it but eventually told me the truth ...that yes he was staying with her. He initally told me that the Boss had asked him to stay with her but eventually owed up to the fact that the boss didn't even know that he was staying and that she (the bloody daughter) asked him to stay. I begged him not to stay but he did assuring me they were only friends. Anyway to cut along story short they are constantly in touch texting each other at 1am and 2am and right throughout the day. He doesn't hide this fact but I'm beginning to ask does a Leopard ever change his spots? Is this guy having his cake and eating it? Is it possible to just be friends? He is 30 and I really find this secret relationship with a 19 year old unusual. Indeed when my parents used to go away I'd be delighted with the opportunity of a free house!

I know I'm a fool ...staying with him after all the crap and torment. But to be honest i'd be so damn upset without him in my life.

Any thoughts anyone?

bug

I had lots of thoughts when I read that.
Most of them would get me banned.

You're begging him not to stay over with a 20 year old.
You've found out he has had lots of flings.

I could go into the litany of stuff you've said about this loser but it doesn't matter.
Re-read your own post for gods sake and wake up.

Cant live without him eh?
I'd say six to seven months and you'll be wondering what the hell you were with him for in the first place.

secret_squirrel

Run - run fast - far far away from this blood sucker.

You already know you should, and every day you don't is delaying you meeting the person you deserve.

Cop on to yourself before you waste your life with this scumbag.

Ruu_Old

You are only tormenting yourself with this leech of a guy, wondering all the time where he is, it is going wrecking your head. Get as far away as possible from him, you are just setting yourself up for a world of hurt. You deserve far better, drop him fast.

Blisterman

Breaking up with someone can be scary, but it's something you really should do.
Even if he's not cheating on you with this girl, he's cheated on you before, and not just once.
He obviously has no respect for you.

magick

Hi there. I am in a Long distance relationship with a number of years. I adore this guy for reasons unknown to me. He has cheated on me numerous times and lied so damn often.

think of the plague , at first it starts with scratches and the common flu(nothing to worry about right?) , but over time it gets much worse, run run as fast as u can!!!!

does a Leopard ever change his spots?

no, cos then it wouldnt be a leopard

LegacyUser

If I was reading my post and offering advice I'd be saying the same as you guys. I am overcome with panic at the thought of loosing him. Indeed Im a fool as I have always begged him to be with me when he has been bad. I have hidden the most of this from my closest friends. I have turned in to some fragile tormented woman because of him. I hate the way I act after he treats me bad.
I used to never be smitten by a man and now 4 years later with this guy I am a different girl. I am absolutely demented from him and his behaviour and the way he makes me apologise for his behaiour. Its always my fault. I could go on and on ....it would make you cringe ...it's eating me up,

WHY THE HELL AM I ADDICTED TO THIS GUY. I'd give anything for it 2 be 2 years time and I was over him. I just cant handle the pain and however corny that sounds its from my heart.
Thanks for listening to this crazy rant x

LegacyUser

Its pretty obvious that you would be better off without this guy. Do you have issues with self esteem? He is taking the piss and youre allowing him to walk all over you by the sounds of things.

I think you should dump him, but more than that, I think you should take a look at yourself, your confidence, your esteem, your self respect. Sounds like you need to respect yourself more.

Ba_barbaraAnne

CrackingUP123 wrote:

If I was reading my post and offering advice I'd be saying the same as you guys. I am overcome with panic at the thought of loosing him. Indeed Im a fool as I have always begged him to be with me when he has been bad. I have hidden the most of this from my closest friends. I have turned in to some fragile tormented woman because of him. I hate the way I act after he treats me bad.
I used to never be smitten by a man and now 4 years later with this guy I am a different girl. I am absolutely demented from him and his behaviour and the way he makes me apologise for his behaiour. Its always my fault. I could go on and on ....it would make you cringe ...it's eating me up,

WHY THE HELL AM I ADDICTED TO THIS GUY. I'd give anything for it 2 be 2 years time and I was over him. I just cant handle the pain and however corny that sounds its from my heart.
Thanks for listening to this crazy rant x

I can fully sypmpathise with you. Had a similar situation when I was unable to let go a bad relationship, even though the guy was a sleeze-ball. The fear of being alone is awful, and is all down to lack of self-esteem. After 4 years with someone who obviously treats you with no respect at all, you must feel that you just aren't worth any better. Took me a few months to get over our final break-up, but with the help and support of my friends I was able to move on and become the person I should have been all along. Of course it isn't easy when you have all your happiness wrapped up in a person who is abusive (and that's what he is), but the initial pain is nothing compared to the freedom you will feel once you have decided to end the relationship.

My advice is to end the relationship, tell your friends what's happened and ask for their support. You'll be amazed how positively they will react. If 'letting go' is such a problem, counselling might help you, but caring and supportive friends who are glad to get the 'real you' back should do it.

Good Luck

MonkeyWrench

It sounds like you have major low self esteem which has gradually go to this point over the 4 years you have been with him. He is not going to change his ways with you, he does not love or respect you, he just has you as a fallback if his life isn't going too well. You have lost respect for yourself too by the sounds of it and your friends and family have probably lost this respect too if they know even half of the stories you mentioned above. The only way you can possibly turn this around is to dump him and get on with your life, change your phone number and don't get in touch with him anymore. It will be a bit like taking off a bandaid, a sharp pain at first for a bit but then as time passes it will be fine. I kinda get the impression from your last post though that you won't take heed of this or anyone elses opinions on boards. Talk to friends and family about it or even a councellor...

twanda

You've gotten used to having him and that's why the thought of losing him terrifies you.

But do it - get rid of him - you'll look back and realise you didn't need him.

Break contact with him as soon as you can. Don't waste anymore of your life on him. You will regret it in time.

LegacyUser

Listen now and listen good.

Yes, there are some people out there who never change. Will this guy ever change his ways? Do you know, does he know, do we know? Of course not.

If you are looking for reassurance that he will change or how to handle him, Im afraid there is nothing anyone here can do for you.

The only way, and you say you are terrified, is to break up with him.

Ask yourself this, what have you got to loose? You seem to be looking at this from a different angle, an angle where he seems to be the whole sun, moon and earth for you. If we are happy with partners, they can become indeed so important to us, but you need to understand that you cant stay with him and feel so miserable all the time.

You really need to think a little outside the box here. Yes it will be an awful time the first few months, but it does get easier. Believe me - ive been in a situation like yours. You will meet someone nice. But you have to give yourself a chance, not him. Stop giving him chances, stop giving him excuses.

You cant see yourself happy in the future without him right now, but give yourself that chance, and I promise you, you will discover things like how strong you are, how you can cope. Dont back down, give yourself a chance.

Black Swan

He's a player. No future.

Beruthiel

Cracking wrote:

UP123I just cant handle the pain and however corny that sounds its from my heart.

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to snap out of this self pity and grow a pair!
Are you having fun with someone who cheats and lies on you? Do you go to sleep every night with a smile on your face cos it's so nice to be with a lovely man like this? I don't think so
You have two choices:
6 months of sadness at the end of the relationship, followed by a full and happy life.
Or
A life time of misery because you stayed with a loser who treats you like a door mat and will not change because you are quite happy to stay with him no matter what he does to you.

You need to go find your self respect, when you do, have some pride and dump his ass. Never look back and get yourself signed up to the nearest night course on self confidence.
Yes, you will be sad for a while, but life is not a total bed of roses and you have to take the sh!te times in order to know what a good time is.

Mojito

Show yourself some respect and dump him now!

greenkittie

Get rid of him and break off all contact for at least a few months in order that you dont go back in a moment of weakness. Good luck.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Do you really think the feeling of being alone can possibly be any worse than knowing you have a boyfriend who treats you like $hit? I don't see what makes him so fabulous that you can't drop him like a hot potato tbh

The truth is; if he cared even a tiny bit he wouldn't cheat or lie - so in essence you are saying you would rather be in a loveless relationship than be on your own...if that is the case then I think you need professional help. Your relationship is a negative spiral of him making you feel so worthless that you fear never finding anyone else and the self-loathing you get from not leaving making you feel even lower - this will only get worse.

It's all in your own hands - there is no point complaining your bf lies & cheats if your inaction has taught him that he can do it & there will be no repercussions. Only way to do it is to make the break & keep telling yourself everything he has ever done to make you feel bad or make you cry whenever you question why you left him. Best of luck

LegacyUser

if he cared even a tiny bit he wouldn't cheat or lie

Absolute nonsence.
Many people, for different reasons, lie and cheat and do all sorts of crappy things to those they love.
It is quite possible that the guy cares about you a lot, or even loves you, but that you both have problems, yours being your appearant self esteem problems.
Does your boyfriend have problems with substance abuse or any other social problems?

Im not saying I think you should stay with him, or forgive him, I think you should leave him ASAP for your own good.
But for Ickle Magoo to say

if he cared even a tiny bit he wouldn't cheat or lie

is completely simplifying an obviously complex and troubled relationship.
We dont all live in Little House On The Prairie.

It might be good for you to go out on some "girly" nights out with your friends. Have some fun, chat to some guys. Allow yourself to be reminded that there are plenty of guys out there that would be happy to fill his shoes, and would likely do a better job than him.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for all your help. I actually woke up this morning positive about my life without him. Maybe I do have self esteem issues. I should analyze myself better ....I have a bloody PhD in Psychology. Alot of good that is! He is an addiction true and true. It's just that when he dumped before (he dumped me 3 times) I felt so crap. Couldn't concentrate...was crying all the time ..etc.... Hew can be the nicest in the world...and then the ****tiest.

I guess this is my first time I have ever been treated and indeed allowed myself to be treated badly by a man before. I am now at the point where I am beginning to cringe at his behaviour though.

He always tells me everything is my fault and he is right ...Its MY BLOODY FAULT FOR ALLOWING HIM TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS!

Seriously sincere thanks to all for taking the time to give me some advice.
Consider him dumped!

Beruthiel

good girl!
Whatever you do, stick to it this time and in 6 months your life will be so much better. Cut off all contact whatsoever in order to get over him as quickly as possible. Staying in contact only prolongs the healing process.
Keep yourself busy and go out with your friends.
This will make you a stronger person.
best of luck with your new life!

Motley Crue

crackingUP123 wrote:

I know I'm a fool ...staying with him after all the crap and torment. But to be honest i'd be so damn upset without him in my life.

Any thoughts anyone?

Your an idiot. Dump him. Sorry to be so blunt but this guys obviously messing you about and you deserve better, you deserve to be treated properly, and I can think of a million guys out there who'd die for a chance to meet a girl like yourself...theres no need to waste ur time on this complete and utter loser.

Ba_barbaraAnne

crackingUP123 wrote:

He always tells me everything is my fault and he is right ...Its MY BLOODY FAULT FOR ALLOWING HIM TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS!

Seriously sincere thanks to all for taking the time to give me some advice.
Consider him dumped!

Well done girl!..... his behaviour is not your responsibility, but you have the power to walk away and not allow his behaviour to affect you.

Best of luck

neuro-praxis

Glad to hear you've made your decision.

Now DON'T BACK OUT!

Get yourself round to a sympathetic counsellor and work through your self-esteem issues... and the grief at the loss of him. With the right counsellor, it will do wonders for you.

Treat yourself, spend lots of time with friends, have your hair done, buy yourself new clothes and watch all the movies you love and re-read your favourite books. It will take ages but all the pain will fade away and your love of life will return. You will learn to respect yourself in a way that prevents any man from treating you this way again.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

Ickle Magoo

Well done OP! Always demand the best & don't put up with anyone treating you badly, lying to you, or cheating on you & you will be a much, much happier & contented person with higher self-esteem and self-worth. Much healthier than having your self-worth constantly damaged by someone that professes to care about you. That's not idiolistic, that's simple common sense. Proud of you for realising you are worth more.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone...its almost my 4th day now with no contact. Had a fantastic weekend(did the whole hair do, new clothes ...party thingy!) but must admit I am feeling pretty lonely but I won't contact him. That is one thing I will not do. I am beating this bloody addiction for good!

I know that this ****ty feeling will eventually go away but holy hell does it hurt. Why can't I hate him? I mean I can't hate him after all the pain he has caused me ?

Will post back in a week! I

Thanks a million guys for everything. I wish I could meet you all to buy u a drink!

secret_squirrel

crackingUP123 wrote:

Thanks a million guys for everything. I wish I could meet you all to buy u a drink!

You can - just come to the next boards beers and we'll toast your newfound freedom with you

There's also the Boards fancy dress on the 21st - what better way to meet a bunch of new people?

If you're not in/near Dublin Im sure there will be a regional beers soon.

Good luck again.

Beruthiel

crackingUP123 wrote:

I know that this ****ty feeling will eventually go away but holy hell does it hurt. Why can't I hate him? I mean I can't hate him after all the pain he has caused me ?

You don't have to hate him, hate is a dead emotion that does no one any favours. You just have to know in your heart that he is very bad for you and your happiness and that you are much better off without him.
Most importantly, keep reminding yourself that you deserve better.
Yes it will be painful for a while, it can take over six months to totally move on from someone. Continue to hang out with your mates and filling your time, you'll get there, the hardest part is over!
Stay strong.

LegacyUser

Have you actually broke up with him? Or are you seeing if he will contact you and then all is forgiven because you think he cares?

I hope its the first option. Then fair play to you. When you feel sad and lonely (and we all do sometimes, even if we have partners) remember it wont last and also when you start thinking of him with "rose tinted glasses", just remember all the annoying, terrible things that he done. Dont get mad but just make sure you learn something from it.

LegacyUser

No I dumped ...we are no longer...I think I was the only one in this relationship anyway.
Anyway just so you know I feel like crap. I'm not eating (heartbreak diet), not sleeping and am crap at work.

The thing is I really cant get the creep out of my head. Im wondering where he is, what he is doing etc..

I really cant see any light at the end of the tunnel. I know that sounds pathetic and some of you will say "get a grip". But i'm serious. I'm absolutely heartbroken but yet I was so confident last friday when I woke and decided that this HAD to be over. To be prefectly honest Im sure you all know that I didn't want it to be over. I wanted him to change and obviously that will never happen.

I know that this is the best thing for me ...that it is over and that I will eventually get over him and hopefully realise that I have wasted 4 years on him. Just that...I can't see that happening anytime soon and I feel so damn upset without him.
I know Im a pain in the ass and I should just get on with it but bloody hell its like my worst nitemare. I actually feel ill.

I know I sound absolutely pathetic and I presume that this is normal!

Anyway sorry again for going on and on and ON.....

Beruthiel

crackingUP123 wrote:

No I dumped ...we are no longer...I think I was the only one in this relationship anyway.
Anyway just so you know I feel like crap. I'm not eating (heartbreak diet), not sleeping and am crap at work.

I hardly ate for 3 months after leaving an ex - lost a stone - it was still the best thing I ever did and have a much happier life because of that decision.

The thing is I really cant get the creep out of my head. Im wondering where he is, what he is doing etc..

When this starts to happen, notice it and change your thought process. Push him out of your mind.

I really cant see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Trust me, it's there. Just give it time.

I wanted him to change and obviously that will never happen.

No
It will never happen.

I know that this is the best thing for me ...that it is over and that I will eventually get over him and hopefully realise that I have wasted 4 years on him.

Say that over and over until you actually start truly beliving it!

The Hill Billy

crackingUP123 wrote:

I have wasted 4 years on him

Think positive. You've spent the last 4 years growing into the person that you are today. I.e., someone who is strong enough to stand on their own two feet & not be taken advantage of anymore.

crackingUP123 wrote:

I know I sound absolutely pathetic and I presume that this is normal!

You don't sound pathetic - We've all been there at some stage. And yes, it is normal.

Fair dues to you for having the balls to dump him. I've been in your shoes & know how hard it is to break away from a partner who treats you like sh1t. It was hard, but I did it with the support of my family & friends. When I think about what my life would have been like had I stayed with her I near sh1t myself - It would have destroyed me. I couldn't be happier now with my beautiful wife & son (& another on the way). It gets way, way better - believe me. Hang in there!

LegacyUser

Im glad to hear that you are rid of him, but sad to hear that you are in alot of pain.

But as people have said here, you will get over it. You cant see the wood from the trees at the moment, but someday, when you least expect it, something will click. Things will get better.

Just remember you will get though it. I remember coming out of a relationship, being the exact same as you, distraught and lost.

First I was devastated, then started to get through it but this meant that somedays id be "ok", Id cope, somedays Id just cry and think of him. But it gets easier. Eventually you will think "What did I see in this guy". Remember what you are feeling is normal and part of the process.

You have been through ALOT of terrible crap with this guy.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone....
i'm still feeling pretty miserable. Consumed by thoughts of him. I have been out, i've been busy but still I can't get over the fact that he is gone from my life for good. There has been no contact which is do damn difficult.

Im feeling so crap but then again I was feeling pretty crap when I was in the relationship too. Also got an update from a mate that he was planning a holiday with another girl while he told me he couldnt go away for a weekend as he was too busy. What a waste of 4 years yet why do I still want him?
I'm so upset and cant focus on anything. I need help.

Beruthiel

crackingup123 wrote:

Also got an update from a mate that he was planning a holiday with another girl while he told me he couldnt go away for a weekend as he was too busy. What a waste of 4 years yet why do I still want him?
I'm so upset and cant focus on anything. I need help.

Why are you getting updates on him? This won't help your healing. If you think you need help, go see a professional and talk to them. Accept that this will take time, also accept that you will, without a shadow of doubt, get over him.

LegacyUser

I'm doing great!!! Im a happy person at the mo! I really now see that the pain of being with him was worse than being without him!!! Thanks guys for everything....I'm saying I'm totally over this creep but I'm on my way! Actually quite fun being single ..



really really thanks a mill x

Beruthiel

Excellent news, I'm thrilled for you!

The Hill Billy

It is nice to hear of a happy ending.

Well done to you for sorting yourself out!

LegacyUser

Just thought i'd update you....I'm free...I'm free! I rarely think of my ex now and when I do i ring a mate. Interestingly he rang me the other day, I didn't answer, he left a message and I actaully aven't listened to it. I can't believe i am at this stage. I really couldn't see how i would survive without him yet I am having loads of nice times without him treating me like crap. I really am hopefull for my future and know I have won here.

I will never speak to him again

Thanks a million guys for everything....you gave me the courage do finish it with this creep

PS I am in Dublin at the weekend...any single men fancy meeting up??? lol No baggage here ...I promise!!!

LegacyUser

Well done, crackingUP.

I had 'a lovely' (cough) Italian girl last year.
A bit of a nasty breakup ....
But - very shortly afterwards someone asked me :
'And how is Emma ?'
My answer : 'Emma who ? I don't know anyone called Emma'.

U are better off without this guy.
If U ask me, he sounds like he would get up 'on the crack of dawn' - and
you would be left just hangin around wondering what to do with
yourself next.