Boyfriend Baggage

LegacyUser

I have been seen this guy for the last year and a bit and 99% of the time everything was perfect. We get on so well together and I care about him so much. The 1% is because he has a child and the mother of his child makes things difficult, I feel, whenever she can. Anyhow I know this girl ever before I got with Martin and when I started seeing Martin she rang me saying how glad she was that he had met someone as nice as me etc etc. I thought it very nice of her at the time because she made references to me being apart of their son's life also. To cut a very very long story short, this girl obviously thought we were going to break up long ago. I don't think she has ever got over Martin and probably hoped that they would end up together eventually even though I know he absolutely does not care for her in that sense at all. She became very controlling i.e. warned Martin that if he ever brought me near the son that she would not let him see him (the son is five and Martin minds him 2/3 nights a week). A year and a bit down the line, I have seen his son once for about 10 seconds. So a few weeks ago I basically said to Martin that he has rights too - he is the father, that I'm his girlfriend etc so put his foot down and tell the mother to f off basically and allow me to see his son when ever he wants. Like i don't want to be spending the day with him or anything, just to see him for 10mins to see who he looks like, what he is like, just basically get to see what my boyfriends son is like. I feel that I have been very patient etc., I'm not one to cause anybit of hassel but just felt what is the point, if she is being like this already, like do we have to be engaged or something...
Anyhow me and Martin had a big row 3 weeks ago about different things but mainly about his situation i.e. his son and her. Basically he finished things that week as he felt things are too complicated and she is just impossible. I feel deep down it is the last thing he wants, because we were very happy together. It is the last thing I want but my head tells me I'm better off as it is kindof messy. My heart on the other hand tells me something totally different and I know that she has got exactly what she wants....so why do I have to suffer so he can have an easier life with her??

Ruu_Old

Martin was probably thinking of his son at the end of the day but he should have put his foot down and confronted the mother about her threats to take away his access to their son.

free2fly

His son will always be his main priority and he probably didn't appreciate receiving ultimatums from both his girlfriend and his child's mother.

AngryBadger

free2fly wrote:

His son will always be his main priority and he probably didn't appreciate receiving ultimatums from both his girlfriend and his child's mother.

Yep.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Sound he is getting harsh treatment from his ex.

It's another example of the discrimation and attitude shown to fathers in our society. If he takes care of the child 2-3 nights a week, obviously he is a caring father that wants input in his sons upbringing.

He should have more say in who his childs meets. After all, it's not a case of him bringing home a different woman every week to show his child, ye were seeing each other for over a year.

milod

Mary Louise wrote:

She became very controlling i.e. warned Martin that if he ever brought me near the son that she would not let him see him (the son is five and Martin minds him 2/3 nights a week). A year and a bit down the line, I have seen his son once for about 10 seconds. So a few weeks ago I basically said to Martin that he has rights too - he is the father, that I'm his girlfriend etc so put his foot down and tell the mother to f off basically and allow me to see his son when ever he wants.

Stick to your guns! I was in this situation a few years ago, my ex was dictating whether or not my new partner could see the kids. I was an a55h0le to let her do this and put up with the situation for a year before I sorted it out. Finally I grew a spine and stood up to her - and your b/f needs to do the same. If he doesn't sort it out, your relationship will be dictated by some bitter ex with nothing better to do than ruin your happiness.

Right now he's afraid of her and he's afraid of what she might do - he needs to realise that she is just bitter.

BTW, it was a friend of my ex who persuaded me to stand up to her - if I were you I'd get one of his male friends to tell him to cop on... If he doesn't... well then frankly you're better off out of it, sorry.

mountainyman

milod wrote:

I was in this situation a few years ago, my ex was dictating whether or not my new partner could see the kids...

In 4 years none of my girlfriends has met my kids (one on one thay have met at parties) , None of the relationships has lasted a year and a bit but I don't see the problem. you have no right to meet his kids.

I've been given ultimatums and they have ended the relationships.

milod

mountainyman wrote:

In 4 years none of my girlfriends has met my kids (one on one thay have met at parties) , None of the relationships has lasted a year and a bit but I don't see the problem. you have no right to meet his kids.

I've been given ultimatums and they have ended the relationships.

Don't you think that's a little strange? I mean leaving aside an ultimatum, why wouldn't you want a new partner to meet your kids?

Can you have a serious relationship conditional on your compartmentalising your life? It's like saying "hey you can have the 50% of me that's a single guy, but not the bit that's a father..."

Nuttzz

i dont think she wants to meet his kids but it would appear that she cant spend 2/3 nights of the week with him as he is minding the kid, what would happen if they wanted to live together or get married.

The mother of his child still wants him or at least still wants to control him, she is doing a wonderful job at controlling his life and his happiness, as much as it is tempting to tell him to put his foot down you cant, if you do you are no better than the childs mother as you are attempting to control is life too.

I dont know how long you are going out with this chap for and if you see it as a long term relationship, nor do i know how he feels about the relationship too. if this is going to be a long term thing you need to ask him how he feels he will resolve this situation with the mother of his child, if it is not going to be a long term thing you need to ask yourself a completely different set of questions

Ickle Magoo

I'd say poor Martin only put up with the ultimatum from him ex to secure access to his son, he doesn't need to put up with ultimatums from you. I'd say he's probably had his fill of women puting demands on him at this stage.

On the other hand, if you expected your relationship to get more serious & evolve then becoming a team with your partner is an absolute must - if your ex wasn't prepared to stand up to his ex & proclaim you a unit then you are prob best finding someone who can make that commitment. Best of luck

LegacyUser

....he doesn't need to put up with ultimatums from you..... if your ex wasn't prepared to stand up to his ex & proclaim you a unit then you are prob best finding someone who can make that commitment.

Lifes not that simple.
Marys dilema is very difficult for her.
You cant just tell someone in her situation she might just leave it all behind and "find someone who can make that commitment" ("proclaim you a unit")

Mary didnt give Martin an ultimatum, she gave him a bit of a well needed kick in the bum, and told him to wise up.
Mary you obviously love Martin and it sounds like he loves you, and obviously his son.
This is a difficult and complicated situation involving 3 adults with very strong feelings, aswell as an innocent child, whos well being is priority, so Id take any advice with a pinch of salt.

Is there a legal agreement with regards to martin seeing the child?

The mother of the child obviously feels threatened by you, that you might take away Martin, and possibly even her son, which is obviously ridiculous.

Why do you want to see the child?
Have the 3 of you discussed the situation together?

I hope you can patch things up with Martin, even if it means reluctantly agreeing not to see his child. It seems like a real shame how things have gone.

I Shot J.R.

As long as Martins name is on the birth cert as father, he has a right to see his kid. His excuse for the break sounds a bit lame, he'll probably get back with her, have a huge blazing row in 3 months and come crawling back to you, if you'll take him back by then. Just go out with the girls and have a laugh, don't live in the I Would live in the I Am. Every minute you spend sad is a smiling minute wasted......Jebus I sound like a fooking scientologist:(

the_syco

milod wrote:

why wouldn't you want a new partner to meet your kids?

Proberly because he doesn't want every new gf to see his kids, as it'd proberly confuse the kids why "daddy" is going with a number of different girls, and not with "mommy".