Relationship is in a mess

LegacyUser · 27-09-2006 10:28am #1

My relationship is in such a shoddy mess I don't know what to do with it. Basically, I've been going out with my girlfriend a few years. She's great, in fact, she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and thats in fact where the problem stems from.

I'm just not attracted to her sexually anymore. She's not ugly, to be honest, but just not my kind of woman. Right, well, so far that seems rather simple and straightforward - let her go, would be the obvious answer.

But I genuinely love this woman like no-one I've ever loved before. She is my everything. She's like a best friend, and I know that should this relationship end, I would loose her forever, as both a partner and a friend - trust me, this is a given. I want to be with her, I truly do, but it's so hard fooling myself these past few years that everything is totally hunky dory when I don't find myself physically attracted to her and I've known this for so long, and kept it solely to myself and tried to push it away.

That said, our intimate life is great. For years I've kept up the pretence simply because, as I said, this woman is the best thing to ever happen to me without doubt. Everything I do, I do it for her. But what an earth do I do about this lack of attracton. It's killing me. Not only am I in someways living a lie, but I know it's so unfair on her as well.

I don't know what to do. In a word: help.

Dragan · 27-09-2006 10:45am

This is a pretty basic question, but is there an reason why you are no longer attracted to her physically?

jubi lee · 27-09-2006 10:46am

er, you love her as a best mate. you're not IN LOVE with her. you don't fancy her, haven't for years so it's not going to happen now.

do you not think she deserves to be with someone who fancies the ass off her as well as being best mates etc???

you'll need to sit down and speak to her. the relationship is a farce and in 20 yrs time do you think you'll still be able to keep up the pretence???

what happens if someone you actually really fancy comes along in a few years after ur married etc?? will you be 100% faithful etc??

get out now. she deserves more

dr.bollocko · 27-09-2006 10:48am

Its a hard thing to come to terms with mate, but I think it is time to move on. She sounds like a great girl, and it will be hard to move on, take time for the scars of a relationship like that to heal. But in all fairness, you yourself can see that it just isnt working for you.
If you keep putting off the break up and deciding to stay with her despite your misgivings, eventually, the very fact that you have refused to leave the relationship so many times will trap you.
"Well, why should I leave her now just because of physical attraction, if I decided to stay with her those other thousand times when I had the same decision in front of me."
It comes to a point where you resent the girl for making it difficult for you, and you start treating her badly, or else you wake up in the morning kicking yourself that you're still with her, or else you will be tempted to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. I mean there is no way that you can mask your physical attraction to another, and no real way of changing your mind, if you arent attracted to her, you just aren't.
For your own sake, its time for you to move on and try someone else.
OK the breakup will kill her possibly, and thats a lot of very imediate hurt to cope with. Its hard to know that a partner you broke up with is suffering really badly, and with one word from you, everything would be ok. But you really know that once you are at the stage of posting on a PI forum, there is a problem there that cant be solved easily.
I think you know what to do, but it might take a few months for you to steel your stomach to do it.
I hope that you find another way around it and stay with this girl, and start to become more attracted to her, but I just dont see how that could possibly happen.

Ickle Magoo · 27-09-2006 10:59am

We can't choose who we fall in (or out) of love with. There is no point pretending you love this woman & living a lie is very unfair to you both.

Of course you can keep plodding on telling yourself that she's a great gal & you would be mad to chuck that away but ultimately you are just trying to avoid the inevitable.

How much you hurt her if you go is a terrible reason to stay. Imagine how you feel now, times it by 1000 & add anger & resentment into the equation & you will have a rough idea of how you will feel if you don't sort this out now. If she is as amazing & lovely as you say, then surely she deserves a man that loves her & lusts after her? Best of luck

Black Swan · 27-09-2006 11:08am

As others have said, it would seem that you may love this person to some degree, but you are not in love with her. You both deserve more.

Kell · 27-09-2006 4:07pm

amishallow wrote:

For years I've kept up the pretence simply because

I dont give a monkeys what the "because" is. You would rather lie to your partner of several years than come clean and make a split? Jeebus. How you would feel in a relationship if you found your partner had been lying to you for a few years?

At the end of the day, this friendship is filling a gap and providing a crutch to your emotional needs. You dont know whether you will find that elsewhere hence staying in the relationship going "will I, wont I".

Your needs will be met elsewhere. Your gap will be closed so to speak. Do the girl a favour and move on.

K-

geishagirl · 27-09-2006 6:08pm

I really feel for you because you obviously like this girl and dont want to hurt her but I was just wondering why after a few years of feeling like this why now? Is there a third party in the picture? there must be something to make u say at this point in time to make u say enough is enough! Just be honest with her, she will appreciate it, it'll be hard but these things always are.

free2fly · 27-09-2006 6:19pm

I was in the exact same position OP. I stayed with my ex for a very, very long time as best friends. And in truth, I was miserable for a very, very long time. I was missing out on a healthy relationship. I can understand why you are feeling what you are. Why don't you PM me and I can give you more detail about what I went through. Perhaps that will help you to decide what you need to do. Because in the end you are the only one who can that decision.

LegacyUser · 27-09-2006 7:06pm

geishagirl wrote:

I really feel for you because you obviously like this girl and dont want to hurt her but I was just wondering why after a few years of feeling like this why now? Is there a third party in the picture? there must be something to make u say at this point in time to make u say enough is enough! Just be honest with her, she will appreciate it, it'll be hard but these things always are.

Im in a similar situation to the OP, have been going out wht the OH for nearly 4 years, and things have started to deteriorate. I wouldnt hurt her for the world, but Im begining to question my feelings towards her. I still love her, but more as a friend that a lover. There is no third party, I feel that the relationship is just running its course. I have thought of ending it, but both of us have been under a huge amount of stress due to work, study, etc. I havent ended it yet because i want to give it time after the stress has passed to see if things return to normal when we have time to remember why we feel in love in the first place!
OP - has anything changed, extra pressure in work that has changed how much time you get to spend with your SO? Have you tried thinking back to what made you fall in love in the first place?

bug · 28-09-2006 10:19pm

when did this happen? were you ever attracted to her?

LegacyUser · 29-09-2006 2:00am

is it possible that your sexual attraction towards her will return?

Does your attraction to her, or your general libido ebb and flow?

I think its very easy for people to reply "leave her" without considering what a massive step it would be for you to take.

dudara · 29-09-2006 9:32am

If this is the case, you will probably eventually find yourself sexually attracted to someone else, and that will be detrimental for all involved.

I liked the previous posters comment about sexual attraction returning, do you think that might happen?

Hells_Belle · 29-09-2006 12:22pm

I'm confused. If you're "not attracted to her sexually anymore" how is it that your "intimate life is great"?

Ickle Magoo · 29-09-2006 12:24pm

Hells_Belle wrote:

I'm confused. If you're "not attracted to her sexually anymore" how is it that your "intimate life is great"?

I think he means he still enjoys using her for sex even tho he's not physically attracted to her anymore...:p

Mountjoy Mugger · 29-09-2006 12:30pm

Intimacy can involve more than "sexual attraction"

e.g. "the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar" is also a definition.

Ickle Magoo · 29-09-2006 12:34pm

Intimacy certainly can involve more than sexual attraction...what is your deffinition of an "intimate life" tho? I was assuming that was code for sex life - maybe I'm just too cynical & he meant cuddles...:)

LegacyUser · 29-09-2006 1:42pm

Are ya sure yer not just getting a bit cocky? No offense intended there, and I know you won't think you are, but consider it. Is there a part of you thinking I could do better?

You say you love her, she's your world, etc, but what do you want in a relationship? Just a pretty face, or the above? There's no such thing as both. All relationships lose that 'initial' sexual attraction. They survive on love and respect. It is not possible, surely, to be primitively sexually attracted to a very familiar person for an infinite length of time.

Sounds like the kind of thing you'll only realise when its gone and you've been knocked off your perch.

Relationship is in a mess

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