Invitation Protocol?

smileygal

Hi,

I know it's acceptable to invite young single people to weddings on their own in order to save numbers and invite more of them (have experienced it myself and understand the need to keep numbers under control).

Am wondering what is the normal protocol for inviting more elderly singles (never married/separated/divorced and no partner for decades/widows)?

Would love to be able to invite everyone to bring a guest but not realistic, but would also love to invite as many people from my side as possible!

Wondering would that generation be insulted if invited on their own, and if travelling from abroad, would it be better to invite a guest with them anyway?

Padraig Mor

Some people will take extreme offence at being asked on their own. Invite them plus guest. If they're happy/used to going on their own, they won't bring anyone.

iguana

Judge it on an individual basis. One of my nanas won't go a wedding if she can't bring her youngest sister, even if lots of her family will be there. My other nana is pefectly happy to head off on her own even if she doesn't really know anyone - she's a big flirt.

Just go through the list and if there is anyone who won't really know anyone else let them bring someone or if you know that someone normally has a wedding "partner" like my nana and her sister let them bring that person. Other than that just issue single invites.

is_that_so

"And guest" is the way to do it. It covers all bases. But I would be inclined to add RSVP to all of them and check them.

Ickle Magoo

Depends on the guest...

If it's a person who I know will know lots of people there & has no permanent partner then no, I wouldn't add "And guest"...I would just seat them next to another single person that I think they may get on with

If it was someone travelling distance that I didn't know personally, then it would always be a day & evening invite "with guest"...

The majority of our guests either had long term partners or were given single invitations & told anyone who wanted to come along could do so at night...with only a few exceptions. If someone has no long term partner then I don't think they would expect you to pay for someone you don't know to have a jaunt out for the day but on the other hand, you want the majority of your guests to accept the invitation.

I would also emphasise the RSVP to encourage guests to check with you...even tho that didn't stop a few people from turning up to our wedding with people who hadn't been invited. All's well that ends well, eh?!

smileygal

Would check all RSVPs - no way would I want gatecrashers, although elderly ones from abroad not likely!!

2 of the elderly singles are brother and sister so they can be together, the others I think will have to be X + guest, and if they don't bring one fine and if they do they are welcome.

Now... family invitation protocol!!!:rolleyes:

Ickle Magoo

Yeah, I think we had 5 extras who were uninvited...one of my Mum's friends who lived locally brought their son & his gf to the meal - neither of whom had been invited at all! :eek:

Lol, it's just one thing after another, eh? Here's to fab day!

smileygal

I really don't get how peoplethink they can stroll into the meal uninvited!! I would never do that.

hunnymonster

oh, this is one of my pet peeves. I think it is extremely rude to invite anyone to a wedding on their own: young or old. There is nothing more miserable than getting all dressed up, spending a small fortune on a gift & then getting shafted into the corner with the grooms great auntie Maureen for the night because you don't know anyone except the bride and groom. I was single right through my 20s when most of my friends were getting hitched and in the end I refused all invites that came without the "plus guest".

iguana

Hunnymonster, that's fair enough if you know no-one else. But if a crowd of your friends are going why would you need a guest. Most of the people I know who have gotten married have been part of a group of friends, so if my husband wasn't available to go I wouldn't bring someone else as I'd know lots of people there anyway.

yellowellie

Is it totally rude for somebody to invite a guy to the full day on his own even though the guy has been going out with a girl (me!) for over a year? I never heard of this and think it's not only insulting to me but also extremely insulting to my boyfriend that he cannot bring his partner along with him.

Background: The groom is a good friend of my boyfriend, although they don't keep in very regular contact. I've never met the bride and groom but the groom does know about me from talking to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is 29 and I'm 26 (don't think that should matter really though).

I must state that I may be jumping the gun as my boyf has only been invited over the phone and the wedding isn't until July. I would expect that when the invitations are issued I will be included. BUT.. if not, is it really bad form or am I over-reacting? I understand that they prob don't care if I'm there as they've never met me but in my opinion out of manners and wedding protocol partners should be invited.

Opinions please?!

daiixi

It would be nice for you to be invited but tbh they've never met you so, if they're having troubles keeping numbers down, why should they invite you? Please remember that this day is about *them* not your boyfriend and definitely not about you.

Same goes to hunnymonsters' pet peeve. I think it's horribly rude to turn down an invite because you weren't given the option of +1.

./edit.. My ex boyfriend, who is still a good friend of mine (and was my best mate before we dated) is engaged and getting married. His fiance does not want me there so I'm not invited. Am I annoyed? Hell yes. But meh, he's got to live with her for the rest of his life so I am respecting his choice to not invite me.

yellowellie

Thanks for the reply daiixi, but I'm still not convinced.. I totally understand that they couldn't care less about me (as I already stated) having never met me but I find it very stingy not to invite partners.

If it's so important for my boyfriend to be there, the least they could do is make sure he won't be on his own because the wedding isn't local and my boyfriend and the groom don't share the same cirlcle of friends. So on top of travelling and finding accommodation on his own, he'll be pretty much trying to socialise amongst people he doesn't know.

Maybe it's just me but I've never heard of asking a person in a relationship to come on their own. In fact, where I'm from, it would be seen as mean not to invite a '+ guest' with a single person. You're either inviting somebody properly or you're not. I know it's the bride and grooms day but for goodness sake do they not want their guests to feel comfortable and enjoy themselves?

Regarding hunnymonsters opinion, I'm inclined to agree with him. I don't think he's rude by declining a single invitation, rather I see the bride and groom as being more rude to invite somebody on their own in the first place. If they're so stuck for numbers they will probably be glad he refuses!!

Ha, I dread if and when my time comes!

hunnymonster

Of course the day is about the bride and groom but what kind of a host and hostess would they be deliberately making their guests sad and/or uncomfortable? If a couple are keeping the numbers small I have no problem not being invited. I still think it is horribly rude to invite a single person.

yellowellie

Hunnymonster, sorry for referring to you as a guy.. I have since realised that you are in fact, a lovely lady!

hunnymonster

no problem. Loads of people have made the same assumption. Maybe I should tie a pink bow to the top of my blus skull :-)

daiixi

tbh I'm a foreigner and at home you really are only invited if you mean something to the bride and groom. yellowellie - you don't know for sure that you haven't been invited and if your boyfriend is invited and won't know anyone at the wedding then yes, I think it would be strange for him to be invited on his own, but you didn't say that he wouldn't know anyone in your original post. But not rude per say agaisnt you.

in reply to hunnymonster, if you know others at the wedding then no, it's not rude to invite a single person. It's hardly their fault that you're single - and please don't take that the wrong way I know that sometimes people are just single (hell I am!).

I was invited to my cousins wedding a few years back and was then seated with friends of the groom (my cousin). I knew noone at the table (in fact as I lived out of state I only knew his/our family) but after a few wines everyone was best mates.

I suppose if you can't make the best out of a potentially "bad" situation then a refusal to go to a wedding probably is the best thing you can do.

/edit p.s. I also think it's perfectly acceptable to not invite children to a wedding

Kinetic^

I'm in the same position as yellowellie, going out with my SO 6 years and no guest invite, meh tbh, would've been nice to go as I've not been to a wedding yet....I'd luck good in a tux too

Ha, I dread if and when my time comes!

I hear ya, we'll see how many invites get sent out then.

I've to socialise with the couple in question soon too so here's hoping the subject comes up........for a laugh of course!!!

dame

If the partner isn't invited to the full wedding, surely nobody would mind if they turned up afterwards for the evening? I'm just presuming that would be OK and a solution for yellowellie et al. Couldn't you book yourselves into the hotel and the uninvited one could go out the town and feed themselves (or get room service if they're too afraid to go to a restaurant on their own), visit the hotel pool/leisure centre, get ready in comfort and then join the wedding party. That way nobody's travelling alone or missing their partner during the dancing. What ever you do don't go making a big fuss about not being invited. There'll be a good reason (like cost and numbers) so you making a fuss and making them feel bad about their big day is not a good idea.

yellowellie

I won't go making a fuss and I hardly can if I'm not even there! I certainly won't go inviting myself to the evening part any more so than I would unexpectedly and uninvitedly show up to the day reception.

Evening celebrations are also invitation only so I don't see how gatecrashing the evening 'do' would be acceptable. If they wanted me there they could invite me. The haven't invited me so far so I'm not going. If they invite me to the 'bone-pickers party' in the evening I'll consider it!

Anyhow, it's no big deal, I don't know them, they don't know me, the wedding will go off without my presence and I'll get on just fine without being there. My original post was to find out what people's opinions are about inviting/not inviting partners and to see if I was justified in thinking it's rude not to invite partners. Seems like there's a mixed consensus and I accept that.

Kinetic^

As I said, I've got a social event this saturday with the people in question, we'll see how mush convincing they need

yellowellie

Kenny, let us know how you get on! See do they seem uncomfortable about not having invited you or is it no big deal to them. Your situation is more interesting than mine and you've more of a right to feel wronged (if that makes sense!) than me considering that you have in the past/will socialise with them.. No trouble-making now!!!

Kinetic^

TBH, I couldn't give a flying flute if I go or not, I just want to see how they react Evil aren't I??!!

cee_jay

My cousin is getting married this summer, and the bride and groom told everyone before they sent out their invitations, that if someone was single, or they didn't know their partner too well they would not be invitated.
They are getting married in Spain though, and they want a family event (with close friendsO, where they know everybody. We are all staying on in Spain for the week after, so I think that is very understandable.
They also said though they will have a party when they get home, where everyone will be invited.
As they had discussed this with people before they sent the invitations, nobody was too put out about it.
I also understand it from their point of view too.

A friend got married last year, and instead of sending me and my best friend an invitation to each of us + guest, she sent one to both of us with both our names, so we were each others guests! I thought it was a nice idea, and it showed she knew both of us so well (we would have gone together anyway!)

Kinetic^

Hmmm, never ever brought it up, think I may be getting an invite though.

yellowellie

Kenny 5, I was expecting something more juicy!

The update on my story is..The groom (who invited my boyf over the phone) is foreign and maybe doesn't understand the way invitations are issued in Ireland. He's marrying an Irish girl so I'm figuring that when they are sorting out the written invitations I may be included. We'll see..

Kinetic^

Sorry but was too pallatic (sp) after the match last saturday to remember my own name never mind be crafty.

The only thing juicy I could offer is ther jersey I was wearing at the time as it was covered in Bulmers!!!!

Calluna

To add my tuppence worth - I have a neighbour who is in her 40s, unmarried. She told my mother previously that she was highly insulted if she ever got an invitation that was not 'and guest'. She wouldn't be the type to bring a friend for the sake of it, just doesn't like people to assume she hasn't a 'guest' to bring and takes it very personally. Luckily, when we were getting married, I knew this in advance and she received an 'and guest' invitation...as did every other single person.

Another scenario was my DH's uncle who is a widdower. We sent his invitation including his daughers name. She wouldn't have been invited to the whole thing otherwise but felt it would be nice for him to have someone to come with....even though all his brothers and sisters, etc would be there. Thought nothing of it, but his daughter specifically came up to us after the wedding and thanked us. Said that her father was really touched that he was asked with her and was very thankful. I nearly cried when she told me and have thought about it a lot since. It was only one extra dinner.

I suppose the moral is people DO care most of the time. I have a friend who was invited to a cousin's wedding without her partner...she was not impressed and has mentioned it a number of times since (she would be a bit of a complainer, but it bothered her). I know it's the bride and groom's day, but if you want people to be happy then don't assume that they won't care if their friend/partner isn't invited. I haven't ever heard of people telling me that they weren't bothered that they couldn't bring a guest, but have a number of stories where people were put out by not bringing a guest.....

worksucks

Very tricky situation the whole invites thing I know a widow who is always asked by herself and she says that she loved to get a plus one to invite a daughter or friend.
Also all of you giving out about not being invited with your partners I see where you are coming from I have had the same boyfriend for 8 years and because we started going out when we were 16 I never got asked to any cousins weddings with a plus one until last year and all my "older" cousins who had been going out with people for a wet week got asked with a plus one.
I am getting married in a couple of months and I would love to invite them all by themselves!!!
Moral of the story don't be ageist!!!!

daiixi

Calluna wrote:

Another scenario was my DH's uncle who is a widdower. We sent his invitation including his daughers name. She wouldn't have been invited to the whole thing otherwise but felt it would be nice for him to have someone to come with....even though all his brothers and sisters, etc would be there. Thought nothing of it, but his daughter specifically came up to us after the wedding and thanked us. Said that her father was really touched that he was asked with her and was very thankful. I nearly cried when she told me and have thought about it a lot since. It was only one extra dinner.

What if it's not "one" extra dinner though? What if someone has four cousins, three friends an aunt and an uncle who don't have partners or have only been seeing their partner for two weeks? Then it's "nine" extra meals and nine extra people that the happy couple don't know at their wedding. What if they can only afford to invite 50 people to their wedding as it is? Should they exclude nine friends etc just so that people can have their partners invited?

yellowellie

Well folks, just to update things here.. I have been invited to the wedding and I'm really looking forward to it now!:D