abortion or not?

infinita

I am 26 years old and married. As someone said here,to be pregnant is not the end of world.But it could bitter the difficulties.
This is my first pregnancy and everyone seems happy for it,especially my mum.However,I am planning to go back school for post-graduate study next year and to have a baby may prolong this project for up to 3 years.I don't know if i could possibly realise my own dreams when I am still young enough. I want to educate my child very well on my own,which requires a great deal of time to do so.Actually I have many dreams...and a bit ambitious in my career as well.
Besides,i have never been interested in having children.
but to do abortion will break my mum's heart. and i will feel extremely guilty for that.
what can i do???

Miss Fluff

What about your husband?

SoupyNorman

To be honest you dont seem to have any credible ground to base the abortion on.

Ickle Magoo

Just what I was thinking Miss Fluff...

OP, you want to continue your studies & not upset your Mum but no mention of how aborting his child would affect your husband or marriage? Talk it through & discuss all your worries with your husband first.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

what about adoption?

but really, it's your foetus.. do what you want with it. what if you end up resenting the baby for ruining your chance of an education ... could happen. I'm sure I've seen it happen on television.

tbh

I think there are certain circumstances which justify a woman having an abortion if she wants one, but not these circumstances. It's up to you, and it's no-one elses business, really, except for your husband, but you know sometimes life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.


whoah.

it's like John Lennon was thinking of you when he wrote that.

Beruthiel

infinita wrote:

I am 26 years old and married. As someone said here,to be pregnant is not the end of world.But it could bitter the difficulties.
This is my first pregnancy and everyone seems happy for it,especially my mum.However,I am planning to go back school for post-graduate study next year and to have a baby may prolong this project for up to 3 years.I don't know if i could possibly realise my own dreams when I am still young enough. I want to educate my child very well on my own,which requires a great deal of time to do so.Actually I have many dreams...and a bit ambitious in my career as well.
Besides,i have never been interested in having children.
but to do abortion will break my mum's heart. and i will feel extremely guilty for that.
what can i do???

I'm a tad confused.
Can you answer a few questions:

Why would you tell your mother that you were pregnant if you were thinking of abortion?
How does your husband feel about this?
How do you feel about getting an abortion?

There is never a right time to have a child, once you have one, you can work around it and still continue to do all the things you want to. It may take a bit longer and require effort, but it can be done.
You do not seem to have made up your mind either way, so I suggest you think long and hard about it and your husband must be 100% involved in this decision.

Darragh29

infinita wrote:

I am 26 years old and married. As someone said here,to be pregnant is not the end of world.But it could bitter the difficulties.
This is my first pregnancy and everyone seems happy for it,especially my mum.However,I am planning to go back school for post-graduate study next year and to have a baby may prolong this project for up to 3 years.I don't know if i could possibly realise my own dreams when I am still young enough. I want to educate my child very well on my own,which requires a great deal of time to do so.Actually I have many dreams...and a bit ambitious in my career as well.
Besides,i have never been interested in having children.
but to do abortion will break my mum's heart. and i will feel extremely guilty for that.
what can i do???

To be honest, I find your post so incredibly selfish that I am actually having difficulty responding to it. All I can say is that I hope you do have your child and maybe give it up for adoption and I'm only making that comment in the interests of your child, so that he or she might actually survive your career plans and your "many dreams". I don't want to get into an abortion -v- anti-abortion debate with you or anyone else on here, but your OP has a particularly self-centered flavour to it, that I've so rarely seen before, that I'm literally stuck for words in replying...

Owen

If you don't want the baby, have your abortion. And I think others calling you selfish is ridiculous. What do they expect? That you put your life on hold, forget about any dreams you've promised yourself, never have disposable income again, and spend the next 20 years attending to your baby's every whim and cry for help?

It's dependent on how long you're pregnant, but if it's only a few weeks and at the early stage, don't feel guilty for wanting your life to be just that. YOUR LIFE. No one elses to judge, or criticise.

LadyJ

Sometimes,even though we might not feel ready for what life throws our way,it turns out that we wouldn't have it any other way when we look back.

Having this baby could be the best thing that's ever happened to you. However,not having it could be even better. Who knows?

Either way,life will fall into place around your decision.

Talk to your husband about it. It's between the two of you,no one else. Personally,I don't think a couple should ever have to justify wanting to have an abortion,whether they're married and earning or not. It's a very personal thing so don't worry if people aren't supportive or if they think you're making a bad move. It's no one's choice but your's and your husband's.

Some people can cope with aborting a child and with others it can really have a bad effect on them afterwards. You won't know until you do it. So if you have the abortion just make sure you get councelling afterwards,even if you feel fine. Better to deal with it head on.

ned78 wrote:

If you don't want the baby, have your abortion. And I think others calling you selfish is ridiculous. What do they expect? That you put your life on hold, forget about any dreams you've promised yourself, never have disposable income again, and spend the next 20 years attending to your baby's every whim and cry for help?

It's dependent on how long you're pregnant, but if it's only a few weeks and at the early stage, don't feel guilty for wanting your life to be just that. YOUR LIFE. No one elses to judge, or criticise.

Agreed. To succeed in life,sometimes we have to make "selfish" decisions. Doesn't make us bad people. Life is not so black and white.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

Jumpy

Wow, 7 whole posts before the right to lifers invade.

Why do you guys always start by insulting people, that sort of crap wont work.

Now before you post again, how about you rewrite your post into something that questions why the OP would go down what sounds like the eaiest route, but in fact may cause her to regret her decision for the rest of her life.
That lends more creedence to an argument than getting the OP's back up.

Beruthiel

infinita
Am I correct in thinking you are Chinese (your comment on another thread made me think this)
Am I also correct in thinking that in China, abortion is no big deal over there, so much so that government sometimes steps in to help keep the population down?
As this is an irish web site, abortion in Ireland is an emotive subject and you will not get the same answers here that you would from your home country. (Apologies if I'm wrong about you being chinese)

Jumpy
Leave the moderating to the moderators please.

Khannie

ned78 wrote:

others calling you selfish is ridiculous. What do they expect? That you put your life on hold, forget about any dreams you've promised yourself, never have disposable income again, and spend the next 20 years attending to your baby's every whim and cry for help?

You obviously haven't a clue what's involved when a child comes along.

As a parent, I can assure you of the following:

Life does not go on hold (except maybe for the first few weeks).
Dreams are still achievable.
Disposable income may decline, but saying that you'll never have disposable income again is absolutely ridiculous.
Spending 20 years attending to whims and cry's is also absolutely ridiculous as a suggestion.

What about watching your child grow?
Feeding its imagination?
Sharing a laugh together over breakfast?
Having him / her tell you that you're the best mum in the world?


Edit: Have you considered having the child, and putting it up for adoption? There are a lot of people out there who would be delighted to have a baby in their lives.

Darragh29

ned78 wrote:

If you don't want the baby, have your abortion. And I think others calling you selfish is ridiculous. What do they expect? That you put your life on hold, forget about any dreams you've promised yourself, never have disposable income again, and spend the next 20 years attending to your baby's every whim and cry for help?

It's dependent on how long you're pregnant, but if it's only a few weeks and at the early stage, don't feel guilty for wanting your life to be just that. YOUR LIFE. No one elses to judge, or criticise.

Just want to point out that this is the year 2006 and not 1906. If you have a child and you want to return to education or further your education, the support is there for you in abundance, actually there is more support there for you than if you were childless and wanted to return to education, so this whole, "I have a career, I have dreams" nonsense is just a cop-out. Just for your information, my best friend had her first child last December having just finished her degree, she is a single mother, her child is turning one this December and she is starting her post-grad this week, no problem to her, no need to push out her studies by 3-4 years and her baby is by far the best thing that has ever happened her. In your case you have the support of a husband, but you sound like you just couldn't be arsed with the hassle of a baby. I'm sorry if I sound over judgemental but I simply cannot get over how you are considering having an abortion on the basis of what you have stated in your OP...

Khannie

Darragh29 wrote:

I'm sorry if I sound over judgemental but I simply cannot get over how you are considering having an abortion on the basis of what you have stated in your OP...

In fairness, as Beruthiel pointed out, it may be a cultural difference.

Darragh29

Jumpy wrote:

Wow, 7 whole posts before the right to lifers invade.

Why do you guys always start by insulting people, that sort of crap wont work.

Now before you post again, how about you rewrite your post into something that questions why the OP would go down what sounds like the eaiest route, but in fact may cause her to regret her decision for the rest of her life.
That lends more creedence to an argument than getting the OP's back up.

I'm not coming at this from what you might call a classical "pro-life" angle. If the OP came on here and said she was 18 and single and had a one night stand with a guy she doesn't know and just couldn't cope with having a child, I wouldn't say she is selfish coming on here and talk about having an abortion. I wouldn't even disagree with her wish to have an abortion. However this is the not the case with the OP or anywhere near it. The OP sounds like she just couldn't be arsed having a baby.

Darragh29

Khannie wrote:

In fairness, as Beruthiel pointed out, it may be a cultural difference.

Yeah I accept that although the jury is still out on that possibility, but if he is correct, it's a very good piece of detective work on Beruthiel's part. I have to point out all the same that the OP is in Ireland and not China and she should acquaint herself with the support that is available to her should she wish to have her child. I actually hope that it is a cultural difference that is at work here, because it is the only excuse or saving grace that I can come up with for the OP having the attitude that she has on the subject.

ferdi

well you can go back to school AND have the child but if you dont want to put yourself out...

Sam Vimes

i wish abortion had never been invented. at what point does it stop being ok to kill your baby because its inconvenient? can we try it out for six months and send it back to the manufacturer if we don't like it?


fair enough, you don't want to raise a child at the moment. you don't have to. my mother and father were both in college and weren't together. they couldn't look after a child so they gave me up for adoption. my parents (the people who raised me are my parents) couldn't have children but desperately wanted them.

because of my natural parents and another woman, my sister and i were raised by parents who are approved by the state. no one else can say the state made their parents pass rigourous tests before they were allowed to take them home.

you can take nine months out of your life, give a childless couple the greatest gift its possible to give and then get on with your plans for your life. the choices aren't raise the child or kill it

LundiMardi

infinita wrote:

I am 26 years old and married. As someone said here,to be pregnant is not the end of world.But it could bitter the difficulties.
This is my first pregnancy and everyone seems happy for it,especially my mum.However,I am planning to go back school for post-graduate study next year and to have a baby may prolong this project for up to 3 years.I don't know if i could possibly realise my own dreams when I am still young enough. I want to educate my child very well on my own,which requires a great deal of time to do so.Actually I have many dreams...and a bit ambitious in my career as well.
Besides,i have never been interested in having children.
but to do abortion will break my mum's heart. and i will feel extremely guilty for that.
what can i do???

Do you mind me asking....

What contraception were you using when you became pregnant? I ask this because in my own opinion, if you were having sex with your partner, with no contraception then it is rather unreasonable to have an abortion as you put yourself in this situation. I personally, can understand if a person wants an abortion had they taken EVERY other precaution available and still fallen pregnant. My issue is with people using abortion as a contraception, which it is not.

So yeah, that's my question:)

As others have said, why not give this child up for adoption, you can give a person life and give another couple the chance of having their own child and raising it as their own. Why kill something when really there is no need...

Both have their cons...

Abortion - You will feel guilty for your mother, and you will more than likely feel guilty for the abortion itself... so pain either way
Adoption - You will have to give up your child

Which pain would you rather feel?

Also, if your mother is so excited for you, why not explain to her your concerns, i am sure she would rather help you succeed with your education and help take care of the child, rather than just have her grand child destroyed just because it's not the 'right time'.

Sam Vimes

LundiMardi wrote:

Abortion - You will feel guilty for your mother, and you will more than likely feel guilty for the abortion itself... so pain either way
Adoption - You will have to give up your child

here's a slightly more accurate list:

Abortion - You will feel guilty for your mother, and you will more than likely feel guilty for the abortion itself. also you will have to give up your child

Adoption - You will have to give up your child to a state approved stable couple

both options result in you giving up your child but only one results in killing a baby.

LadyJ

Commander Vimes wrote:

both options result in you giving up your child but only one results in killing a baby.

Actually,neither results in killing a baby. Killing a foetus,yeah.

Btw OP,if you do have an abortion then there is no need to feel guilty about disappointing your mother,it is not her life or her choice. And maybe you will feel guilty in general,but then again,you may not.

Sam Vimes

LadyJ wrote:

Actually,neither results in killing a baby. Killing a foetus,yeah.

if i broke into the ford plant and destroyed a car that was still on the assembly line, i'm fairly sure they'd still say "you wrecked one of our cars", even though it wasn't technically a car at that point


there are certain cases where abortion is acceptable to me:

the mother's life is in danger: yes

the foetus is severely deformed and would spent its life hooked up to tubes: yes

the shame of the neighbours and the family finding out: no

the inconvenience of having a baby: no

the bizarre idea that its better to put your baby down than to give it to a family that desperately want it: absolutely not

Strokesfan

daveirl wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Exactly

LadyJ

Commander Vimes wrote:

if i broke into the ford plant and destroyed a car that was still on the assembly line, i'm fairly sure they'd still say "you wrecked one of our cars", even though it wasn't technically a car at that point


there are certain cases where abortion is acceptable to me:

the mother's life is in danger: yes

the foetus is severely deformed and would spent its life hooked up to tubes: yes

the shame of the neighbours and the family finding out: no

the inconvenience of having a baby: no

the bizarre idea that its better to put your baby down than to give it to a family that desperately want it: absolutely not

Well,I disagree and I won't argue with you because,with this debate,I'm not foolish enough to think I can change your mind.

Personally,I don't think anyone has the right to decide when abortion is "acceptable" or not. It's a personal thing and I have no problem with it whatsoever,regardless of whether it's a 15 year old,single girl,or a 30 year old married woman.

Altheus

Treads softly.... Abortion is a route that is often fraught with problems far beyond perhaps the difficulty of going back to college with a child. It can lead to depression, suicide, latent guilt, as well as some medical risk.

Likewise I guess same can be said of having the child, post-natal depression etc.

Irish men tend to have a very conservative opinion on this subject in my experience, whereas women swing both ways.

As far as the baby or not debate goes, it's not yet a baby, but let's face it there's a big difference between a glint in someone's eye and the illegal practise of abortion. Perhaps a remnant of a bygone era, but not judging from posts here.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that the fertilised egg belongs to both partners, even if you are the one that is carrying it, so involve your partner. If you are in the position of physically being capable of having the baby, I think you should do it. Whatever happened contraceptive wise, sex is a responsibility as much as a pastime, for the purposes of having children.

Abortion for the purposes of quality of life (especially when it's nothing to with health or bringing a child up in a bad home) is quite selfish. Abortion for the purposes of potentially making life a little easier, for me, is enormously selfish, and would change my opinion of a human being quite strongly.

I'm glad to see you've made the effort to talk about it, and personally I hope you decide to have the child. My sister did when she was 16, and now she is college educated, happily married, and pregnant again!

I think perhaps you'll be best off going to a Rape Crisis Centre, or a Wellwoman clinic. The people there are well trained and considerate people, they will give you both sides, and not judge you for it. I'd also pop into a govt office, as a single mother, returning to education, you would be entitled to quite good benefits of the social welfare system. (Back to education, children's allowance, college grant aswell as tax-free allowances and/or dole money)

-- OT --

To everyone merely commenting on abortion, shut up, this is not a discussion on abortion, it's a discussion to perhaps help a girl considering it using your personal experience. It's OT. Say something useful or vent your policital and moral opinions elsewhere.

Though this comment:

To succeed in life,sometimes we have to make "selfish" decisions. Doesn't make us bad people. Life is not so black and white.

Spoken like a true machiavellian. I'm yet to personally find what is considered to be the general rule of "success" in life. Financially sure, selfishness is key. However to maintain a good conscience, and perhaps feel proud of oneself, I think as a general rule of thumb, selfishness for one's own gain is probably not the ideal.

iguana

Commander Vimes wrote:

here's a slightly more accurate list:

Abortion - You will feel guilty for your mother, and you will more than likely feel guilty for the abortion itself. also you will have to give up your child

Adoption - You will have to give up your child to a state approved stable couple

both options result in you giving up your child but only one results in killing a baby.

And do you think she won't feel guilty for her mother if she has the child and puts it up for adoption. Do you honestly believe that you can give your baby to someone else and without grieving and feel guilt and doubt? That every christmas and birthday and mother's day forever aren't going to fill you with doubt and regret?

I know women who have had abortions and women who have given children up for adoption and of those women the ones who have given the child up for adoption suffer more. They bring a child to term, go through labour and give birth, they often see and hold they baby, and then they give it away. That pain and loss often never, ever goes away because their child is in the world and they don't know them. Those I've known who've had abortions grieve and doubt but they get over it better.

spurious

This is not a decision anyone else can make or justify for you.
YOUR body, YOUR decision.

Darragh29

Altheus wrote:

To everyone merely commenting on abortion, shut up, this is not a discussion on abortion, it's a discussion to perhaps help a girl considering it using your personal experience. It's OT. Say something useful or vent your policital and moral opinions elsewhere.

Don't see the where "Political Opinions" come into the discussion tbh. The current subject, by virtue of what the act of abortion involves, has moral considerations. It's impossible to talk about the OP's circumstances without looking at the morality of each choice that is open to her in terms of what is right and what is wrong taking into account her current circumstances. It's interesting that some people on here say she has the right to do what she wants regardless of the ramifications. It could be argued that this attitude is completely reckless. Personally, as someone who I think has a reasonably centred moral compass, I think that her circumstances as she has presented them in her OP come nowhere near justifying an abortion. I personally don't believe that abortion is right, but I would very reluctantly (have to) respect the OP's decision to choose an abortion as an option for her, if her circumstances were significantly different, but I choose not to respect her right to make the decision to go for an abortion given that it appears to be nothing more than a career option for her.

Just because you have the "legal right" to do something, it doesn't necessarily follow that its the right thing to do...

Aoide

My first pregnancy was not planned. I was young, newly married and still in college. Life got sidetracked for a short while, then I went back to school, got a great career and have wonderful children who I can't imagine life without.
As another poster pointed out, your life does not "go on hold" once you have a baby. It changes, yes, but changes can end up being more wonderful than your original plans.
There are also loads of loving people who would love to adopt your baby if you really don't want to keep it.
I'm not going to get into an abortion debate, just pass on what I have learned from the couple of women I know that have had abortions. They have all said they later regreted it. It seems like a quick solution, but I'm afraid too many people gloss over it and fail to recognize the emotional consequences down the road.
Think it through and talk it over with your husband.