Extremely clingy friend

LegacyUser

Since moving back to college 10 days ago, one of my friends there has been extremely clingy. I've seen her EVERY day since I've been back. She's very nice and has been a real help, but I really need some time apart from her. We're on the same course, so she calls to my flat before lectures so we can walk out together. She sits next to me during every lecture. We walk home together. She comes into my flat for "a cup of tea" and stays for three hours. She keeps talking about how we're going to live together next year. (she's planning on moving in to my flat, even though I've never indicated that she's welcome to). She constantly texts me and asks me to go for coffee/ go shopping/ call over for dinner/ go out.

I'm the kind of person who really needs time to myself. I'm very happy with my own company, and need to spend at least a couple of hours on my own. I can't even sign in to MSN anymore because she immediately starts talking to me, even though we've just spent the day together. She won't even let me make excuses. For example, she invited me over for dinner the other day and said she was making chilli. I declined, because I hate spicy food. She immediately texted back, offering to make me a special, non spicy portion. I declined again. After her dinner, she texted me again, asking me to call over, despite the fact that there was a full blown storm outside. I should add, it's not like she was on her own and lonely. Her flatmate and friend was there, as was another of her friends who was staying there for the night. She also joined every society as me, so I can't even get away then.

She has plenty of her own friends, but at this stage, I'm spending more time with them than she is. I'm feeling completely smothered and hunted, to be honest. She's also trying to get me to get a job with her, ignoring all my excuses. I feel like I'm just going to explode soon, but she's been such a help that I don't want to hurt her. How can I get her to back off?

jimmycrackcorm

Single white Female!!! :eek:

Lust4Life

My advice would be to just be honest with her.
Tell her you need some "ME TIME" because you haven't been alone since starting school and it is precious to you in order to survive a hectic schedule.

And if that doesn't work, then just take your sweet time answering her texts. For example the dinner invite. Maybe if you'd waited an hour you could have gotten out of it? Say you had phoned home or something.

I love the "Ignore" Button on my phone. I have a clingy friend too, and if I didn't hit ignore, she'd be over every day and talk about the same things because nothing is ever new when you see someone every day! It'll make you crazy!

athena 2000

So none of this behaviour she's displaying now was happening before your break from college? Does she treat anyone else like this? I'd drop at least one of these societies you've joined and get into another. You've been patient, but now you've got to draw some boundary lines and get some space. Don't wait until your head is about to explode. It's your life, go get some of it back. Good luck!

Black Swan

Have you shared this feelings with her?

Frustrated

Frustrated wrote:

Since moving back to college 10 days ago, one of my friends there has been extremely clingy. I've seen her EVERY day since I've been back. She's very nice and has been a real help, but I really need some time apart from her. We're on the same course, so she calls to my flat before lectures so we can walk out together. She sits next to me during every lecture. We walk home together. She comes into my flat for "a cup of tea" and stays for three hours. She keeps talking about how we're going to live together next year. (she's planning on moving in to my flat, even though I've never indicated that she's welcome to). She constantly texts me and asks me to go for coffee/ go shopping/ call over for dinner/ go out.

Thats very understandably annoying and overwhelming and sufficating.It happens more often than you would think.I've had it when Iwas in college.I think on the one hand you have to be carefull as to how you wean her off this.Without knowing her circumstances,like does she have any other "close" friends and what sort of form is she in? You need to think of ways of separation but carefully.
The first thing I did was move tutorials.That was done by going to the department.Immediately I was separated at least for a few hours a week and had a new excuse to go somewhere without my friend and many more opportunities to put up some distance.I told them about it and they helped me in this.

I'm the kind of person who really needs time to myself. I'm very happy with my own company, and need to spend at least a couple of hours on my own.

Thats very understandable.Another thing you have to do,I'd even say it to her in msn-something like,I am having some "me" time now and tomorrow.

I can't even sign in to MSN anymore because she immediately starts talking to me, even though we've just spent the day together. She won't even let me make excuses. For example, she invited me over for dinner the other day and said she was making chilli. I declined, because I hate spicy food. She immediately texted back, offering to make me a special, non spicy portion. I declined again. After her dinner, she texted me again, asking me to call over, despite the fact that there was a full blown storm outside. I should add, it's not like she was on her own and lonely. Her flatmate and friend was there, as was another of her friends who was staying there for the night.

Oh you have to be stern about that.Change your number if necessary or block hers.Tell her to ease down on the texts because you have a new policy of deleting them when you have answered the same invite already.At this stage it will be starting to make you feel as if you are mean but you have to.

She also joined every society as me, so I can't even get away then.

I wouldnt worry about that part.If you are creating and can create the distance then the relief of that will extend to the societies.Make a point of going to them on your own or with another friend.

She has plenty of her own friends, but at this stage, I'm spending more time with them than she is. I'm feeling completely smothered and hunted, to be honest. She's also trying to get me to get a job with her, ignoring all my excuses.

Well now in fairness,if you take that job,I've lost all sympathy for you

I feel like I'm just going to explode soon, but she's been such a help that I don't want to hurt her. How can I get her to back off?

Now theres the kicker,you dont want to offend her and she has been so helpfull that you feel you can't.
You simply have to be blunt, theres no other way.You dont have to be ultra mean,you just have to make no mean no.
No to the invites to her appartment,no to her coming over to yours.No to the walks home from lectures (as you have to give grinds to someone else you know etc...) and various other distancing measures.

One of the other things you could do of course but it is somewhat of a nuclear option (in that it might go horribly wrong) is ask one of her flatmates out or one of her girl friends.Or alternatively confide in one of your girlfriends from home and maybe let on to your friend that ye are an item.
Combine any or all of those things plus some other distancing measures and you should come up with results.

Do let us know here how you get on and do put your foot down!

Hope that helps.

ShiverinEskimo

What happened to the standard issue excuses - one of the few glories of texts is being able to excuse yourself for not replying:

No credit,
Didn't hear me phone go (music, tv, movie etc)
Battery kept dying everytime you tried to reply
Was in the shower
On the jacks
Asleep
Phone was charging in my bedroom
Was still on silent from class, cinema, library, church etc.

They will buy you "me time" from time to time but in the long run you'll need to help her understand that you just aren't that needy in terms of company and that you'd prefer quite a bit of time alone.

Whatever you do - don't blow your top and get angry with her - that would crush her - she doesn't know the effect she has on you and probably thinks you enjoy her company as much as she enjoys yours.

Beruthiel

Frustrated wrote:

She comes into my flat for "a cup of tea" and stays for three hours.

I could suggest that this is as much your fault as it it hers at this stage. Next time you walk home, a simple "sorry, I don't have time for tea today" should do it.

She keeps talking about how we're going to live together next year

I can't plan next week, I'm hardly going to decide what I'm doing next year.

She constantly texts me and asks me to go for coffee/ go shopping/ call over for dinner/ go out.

Send one message only, "can't tonight, am busy"

She won't even let me make excuses. For example, she invited me over for dinner the other day and said she was making chilli. I declined, because I hate spicy food. She immediately texted back, offering to make me a special, non spicy portion. I declined again. After her dinner, she texted me again, asking me to call over, despite the fact that there was a full blown storm outside.

Your replies to her requests are probably too polite, blunt replies are better - I'm busy.

Be blunt, but at the same time, pick some times when you wish to hang out with her. After a period of time she should get used to the new routine.

Miss Fluff

Beruthiel wrote:

Your replies to her requests are probably too polite, blunt replies are better - I'm busy.

I'm being stalked at the moment too, by a work colleague. It has become so unbearable that he has gone and found himself an apartment in the floor directly below me in my apartment block!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek:

After repeated texts last weekend I decided to ignore his texts which I am doing. Every time you reply, even if it is with an excuse, you are still engaging that person. I'd advise ignoring most texts. Although really sociable etc I'm a really private person and it infuriates me that some people have NO understanding whatsoever of personal space and boundaries.

layke

Dude, ever think she may want to get into your pantaloons?

Fluff right direction, although in your case that's just scary. Scary as in restraining order. Been down this road, both of you tell them straight up before you have to get people to lie about where you are and your terrified to answer the phone.

Although I have had the unfortunate experience of being stalked by another male... and this guy had some problems.

LegacyUser

athena 2000 wrote:

So none of this behaviour she's displaying now was happening before your break from college? Does she treat anyone else like this?

Looking back, she was showing signs of this last year too. We only became friends in February, so by the time I really noticed it, I went home for summer. She also lived further away last year, so I didn't walk to college with her, and as a result, rarely sat with her.

Tristrame wrote:

does she have any other "close" friends and what sort of form is she in?

She has lots of other close friends, most of whom she's been friends with longer than she has been with me. She's generally a happy enough person, but she seems to have targeted me as her "counsellor". Whenever something is wrong, I'm the one who gets called. I don't mind this at all, I'm happy to listen, but it does get a bit tiring, especially when she keeps repeating the same things over and over again.

Well now in fairness,if you take that job,I've lost all sympathy for you

I didn't take the job! I had a genuine reason for not going to the interview (I had a workshop for a class) but she tried to convince me to change to her workshop slot so I could still go to the interview. I refused, saying I had things to do. She then told me later on that she'd bring me down specially the next day to have a seperate interview! I refused again...

ShiverinEskino wrote:

What happened to the standard issue excuses - one of the few glories of texts is being able to excuse yourself for not replying:

No credit,
Didn't hear me phone go (music, tv, movie etc)
Battery kept dying everytime you tried to reply
Was in the shower
On the jacks
Asleep
Phone was charging in my bedroom
Was still on silent from class, cinema, library, church etc.

I do that all the time, but then she just repeats the invitations.

Beruthiel wrote:

Next time you walk home, a simple "sorry, I don't have time for tea today" should do it.

She'd demand to know what I was doing, and then offer to join me/help me.

I can't plan next week, I'm hardly going to decide what I'm doing next year.

That's pretty much what I'm saying to her, but she's not listening. When she initially informed me that she will move in with me next year (uninvited), I tried to put her off by saying it depended on my current flatmate and if she wanted to stay on another year. M, as i'll call her, replied with "Yeah, but I'm asking you now to not give them more than a year-long lease."

Miss Fluff - your situation sounds worse! My sympathies!

Finally, to those who seem to think I'm a guy, I'm not. I'm female, so it's nothing to do with romantic interest. She has a boyfriend in a different uni, too.

Thanks for all the help so far!

GAA widow

Frustrated wrote:

Since moving back to college 10 days ago, one of my friends there has been extremely clingy. I've seen her EVERY day since I've been back.

Are you male or female?

If you're a guy, chances are she has a bit of a thing for you.

If you're a girl, make it your mission to get her to hook up with someone. will take the pressure off you and you'll probably never see her.

neuro-praxis

Sit her down. Explain to her that although you really appreciate her friendship, you are an introvert, and you need time alone to recharge your batteries, as being with others all the time exhausts you. let her know that you love to have a quiet walk alone to college in the mornings. Perhaps you can compromise in the afternoons and walk with her after classes - but only have tea with her when you want to. Otherwise, simply say you need time alone.

Ask her to respect your boundaries in the future. As an extrovert, she may have no concept of personal space or the possibility of enjoying time alone.

The alternatives are ignoring her and falling out, or putting up with it forever. It's a tough one, I've been there! But although she will be offended at first, she will develop a healthy respect for you eventually. Good luck!

Fanny Cradock

Miss Fluff wrote:

I'm being stalked at the moment too, by a work colleague. It has become so unbearable that he has gone and found himself an apartment in the floor directly below me in my apartment block!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek:

After repeated texts last weekend I decided to ignore his texts which I am doing. Every time you reply, even if it is with an excuse, you are still engaging that person. I'd advise ignoring most texts. Although really sociable etc I'm a really private person and it infuriates me that some people have NO understanding whatsoever of personal space and boundaries.

It's got to be that Nortside guy.

ShiverinEskimo

Ah - you're not a Dude. Wow - that changes things - considerably.

I thought she was just a chick who was well into a guy. Hmm.

When you said that you tried what I suggested with the excuses etc. how do you mean you tried that but she just reiterates the invitation. I mean - if, for example, she invites you to dinner at 6 can't you wait til like 9 or 10 and say "Sorry, I fell asleep" or something.

I mean do you feel guilty and reply straight away with an excuse rather than just leaving it for a few hours until you can't attend whatever it was and in process getting that me time you wanted?

Chinafoot

neuro-praxis wrote:

Sit her down. Explain to her that although you really appreciate her friendship, you are an introvert, and you need time alone to recharge your batteries, as being with others all the time exhausts you. let her know that you love to have a quiet walk alone to college in the mornings. Perhaps you can compromise in the afternoons and walk with her after classes - but only have tea with her when you want to. Otherwise, simply say you need time alone.

Ask her to respect your boundaries in the future. As an extrovert, she may have no concept of personal space or the possibility of enjoying time alone.

The alternatives are ignoring her and falling out, or putting up with it forever. It's a tough one, I've been there! But although she will be offended at first, she will develop a healthy respect for you eventually. Good luck!

100% bang on.

Your best bet is to be straight with her. There's no point in making excuses and dropping hints that she's clearly not picking up on. How is she going to know that you have a problem with her behaviour towards her?

I'm going to assume that you want to remain friends with her so I think you should definitely take neuro's advice and talk to her.

ShiverinEskimo

I have to agree with neuro-paxis and peachypants. My recommendation for excuses etc. are short term quick fixes - but at some stage you'll have to sit down with her and explain it all.

Caryatnid

Miss Fluff wrote:

I'm being stalked at the moment too, by a work colleague. It has become so unbearable that he has gone and found himself an apartment in the floor directly below me in my apartment block!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek:

After repeated texts last weekend I decided to ignore his texts which I am doing. Every time you reply, even if it is with an excuse, you are still engaging that person. I'd advise ignoring most texts. Although really sociable etc I'm a really private person and it infuriates me that some people have NO understanding whatsoever of personal space and boundaries.

Miss Fluff............this is a work colleague. I know this is not 'your' thread, but can I just ask if you think there is anything your boss/HR could do for you? Situations like this in work are the worst, imo.

Miss Fluff

Fanny Cradock wrote:

It's got to be that Nortside guy.

ROFL

Miss Fluff

Caryatnid wrote:

Miss Fluff............this is a work colleague. I know this is not 'your' thread, but can I just ask if you think there is anything your boss/HR could do for you? Situations like this in work are the worst, imo.

Well we work in the same department and I'm one of the managers there but don't manage him directly. A close friend in senior management knows what is going on. Thing is, there is very little I can do as it's a free country and it's not deemed a crime for someone to choose where they want to live. (even if it is in the frigging apartment directly below me:eek: )

Thankfully I suggested to the MD that he move to a sister company in the UK for a few weeks to undertake a project there and that's where he has been for the last fortnight (still texting me as soon as he got off the plane wanting to know can I meet him etc!:eek: ) and phoning me in work.

He's back in the office here in Dublin on Monday week and I'm dreading him being around. I've ignored his recent texts so I'm hoping he will get the message but he's very persistent! I'm ENRAGED that he has invaded my space like this. I live in a secure apartment block in Ballsbridge and the fact that he now shares the same lift and stairwell as me and can at any time just "pop in" to say hello and I can't screen visitors makes me really angry.

(Sorry to have hijacked your thread Frustrated - you have my utmost sympathies, some people seem to have no concept of personal space whatsoever!)

Faith

Jaysus, Miss Fluff, I'd recommend a restraining order!

BeansMeansHynes

It is so smothering when somebody is like that. I have a close friend who is the very same. She rings me constantly, mostly when I am just in the door from work. I am wrecked from a two hour commute and starving. I have often come home from work and she is sitting in my house drinking tea!!! I get so frustrated. My friend does not work and has not worked for 4 years so she has a lot of time on her hands. If I don’t answer my phone when she rings, she will keep ringing and ringing so I have to answer.

She calls around to the house without letting me know and thinks that I have nothing better to do than sit around drinking tea all day. It’s really started to annoy my boyfriend and sometimes we would hear her car outside and hide in the house. I shouldn’t have to hide in my house but I still find myself doing it. ARGH!!! She is not the type of person who I could sit down and say “listen I need some space”.

When it comes to the weekend she can’t really afford to go to the pub so she started using my house as a pub. Bringing up cans and vodka and leaving the place in a mess. I finally put a stop to that.

tbh

OP, I think part of the problem is because you are trying to be nice. I'm sure you just want to yell at the girl, but social convention is stopping you from doing that. I can totally understand that. The thing is, tho, that social convention only works when both sides understand it. So, for example, if I make a new friend, and I think they are deadly or whatever, but they are making excuses about not being able to hang out - all the time - I'd get the message and drop it. No confrontation needed, because we both knew the score. However, you're friend isn't sticking to the rules (probably she doesn't know them), and so you can't either. Like Beru said, you just have to be blunt. Don't feel bad about it, the only reason you are doing it is because she's forcing you to. "I'm busy" "what are you up to?" "ahh just some personal stuff. Gotta go!". Don't make excuses when she texts - if you can't go, reply once and then you owe her nothing. Just ignore the texts - or delete without reading them. If she asks you why you didn't reply - "I deleted a load of texts last night". No explanations, no qualifications. You really sound like a decent person, and fair play to you for seeking advice on the right thing to do.

Miss Fluff - that's terrible, mate. I hop it works out for you. But what is the deal with that noirtside guy?

Miss Fluff

tbh wrote:

However, you're friend isn't sticking to the rules (probably she doesn't know them), and so you can't either.

That's so true, hit the nail on the head unfortuately. Some people seem to have a little chip missing somewhere and can't "sense" when they are being intrusive!

Thanks for kind words TBH. As for Nortsoide, have no idea who it is He is funny more than anything and at least it's only cyber (please don't move in downstairs Northsoide)

Frustrated

Frustrated wrote:

Looking back, she was showing signs of this last year too.

Based on what you've said,I'm confident that you'll sort this out.Just get blunter and blunter.

Miss Fluff - your situation sounds worse! My sympathies!

Yes I'm more concerned with miss Fluff at this point,I'll get on to that in a minute...

Finally, to those who seem to think I'm a guy, I'm not. I'm female, so it's nothing to do with romantic interest. She has a boyfriend in a different uni, too.

Thanks for all the help so far!

I did think you were a guy
Anyhow,you know what to do.Just substitute the GF for BF in my previous advice where appropriate.

Miss Fluff wrote:

I've ignored his recent texts so I'm hoping he will get the message but he's very persistent! I'm ENRAGED that he has invaded my space like this. I live in a secure apartment block in Ballsbridge and the fact that he now shares the same lift and stairwell as me and can at any time just "pop in" to say hello and I can't screen visitors makes me really angry.

I know this is awkward and not the advice you need to hear and that your appartment is beautifull etc but you have to move.
It's not like boards,theres no ignore functionality in real life thats good enough to ignore a stalker or downright wierdo whose ceiling is just below your floor.
If he moves to your new place,its an out an out case for a restraining order and lots of trouble for him.
You dont have to be invaded in the way that you feel you are.
Go through all your options on what you can do carefully and do them if possible.It may be costly,it may not be possible but look into it.

Miss Fluff

Tristrame wrote:

I know this is awkward and not the advice you need to hear and that your appartment is beautifull etc but you have to move.
It's not like boards,theres no ignore functionality in real life thats good enough to ignore a stalker or downright wierdo whose ceiling is just below your floor.
If he moves to your new place,its an out an out case for a restraining order and lots of trouble for him.
You dont have to be invaded in the way that you feel you are.
Go through all your options on what you can do carefully and do them if possible.It may be costly,it may not be possible but look into it.

That's just it though, I'm SO happy with my apartment and love living there! Why should I have to move? To be honest at this juncture I don't feel under any "threat" per se, I have been seriously stalked before (Miss Fluff has a habit of attracting freaks and weirdos unfortunately) and I don't feel frightened. Not yet anyway. More extremely irritated and feel that my privacy has been invaded. It's terrible really because if he weren't a work colleague and it was under normal social circumstances I would most likely tell him to
f8ck off out of my sight and make it clear in no uncertain terms to back off. I have to work with him every day though. He phoned one of my closest mates at work on Monday afternoon and told her that he had "one of the worst weekends of my entire life" because "Miss Fluff (sic) APPARENTLY went down the country and I had to sit in on my own, she really let me down....."

I didn't go down the country but I had to come up with some excuse!

sonners

Miss Fluff that sounds pretty bad, had a major stalker myself for a few years so been there done that!

You say you dont feel threatened so it kinda sounds like he just has a crush on you but does'nt mean any harm. I know its still annoying that he's around so much but I prefer to be pissed off than scared if you know what I mean.

Dunno if this'll work for you but I keep work and 'outside' completely seperate. If I pass a colleage in the street I'll say a polite hello and keep moving. Dont even slow down, if you slow down, they stop, you have to talk to them....just keep moving! Try taking this approach with him, the whole 'this is work'/'this is outside' thing.

Or actually you could pretend you have a new boyfriend and tell this wierdo that your boyfriend does'nt like you textin/talkin/meeting other guys. I know its a bit extreme and it'll make you look like your under the thumb but your real mates will know its bull****.

Miss Fluff

Miss Fluff wrote:

That's just it though, I'm SO happy with my apartment and love living there! Why should I have to move?

Ach I know,its just the nuclear option and I'd consider using it if it was a big enough problem.

He phoned one of my closest mates at work on Monday afternoon and told her that he had "one of the worst weekends of my entire life" because "Miss Fluff (sic) APPARENTLY went down the country and I had to sit in on my own, she really let me down....."

I didn't go down the country but I had to come up with some excuse!

You know reading that makes me relieved that I dont live in a town and that I do live in my own house and that I dont have a crew around me all the time.I just keep hearing of the politics of working in an office environment as so many of my friends do.
I know its easy for me to say this but, you dont have to take what you are getting there.Speak openly if you can to those office mates that you can and of course those above you.
Then when those that need to know are aware why you are blanking this person,you can be happy going to almost bástard levels to blank him.

As per the advice to the OP... couple that with No access to your appartment for your new neighbour.No outside the office contact whatsoever.
Stick to it be stern as hell and dont waver-not even once.

Incidently,you arent un Regged so I'll put it to you in this way because I dont want to invite you to be giving any personal details here.
If you dont already have one,get yourself a temporary Male lodger.Make like he's your BF and get him to do the door answering etc etc etc.


Again like my original advice to the op,you might need to do a version of the "georgeous Gerry/Gerri" only change the roles a bit.

Hope that helps.