Rate my Speech?

joxers25

The Speakers

Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen, as most of you have probably have guessed already from the church I am the Best man, however for those of you who don’t know me personally, my name is ****** what-are-you-having, and I would appreciate it if you could address me with my full name at the BAR.

I would like to begin, on behalf of **** and ****, by thanking you all for being here and sharing their special day with them.

As it is customary on these occasions, it’s time for one or two speeches of thanks from *** on behalf of the *’**** Family, ******* on behalf of the *’**** Family, **** and myself. I’m quite sure that were all very are nervous at the prospect right now

It gives me great pleasure to call on *** to say a few words, so come on everyone give him a massive round of applause.

***’ SPEECH


Thanks *** for those kind words……….I now call upon ******* to say a few words, Again a massive round of Applause

*******’s Speech

Now for the Man of the moment.

****’S Speech

It’s turning out to be a day full of new experiences for me. It’s the first time I’ve had the honour of being the best man, it’s the first time that **** is getting married and the first time ….. I’ve had to deliver a speech to a crowd of Drunks

So here goes….

My Intro

Good evening Again Ladies and Gentlemen, here’s the one you’ve been waiting for.
Can everyone hear me down the back there? (Wait for heckle), Can you hear me at the Bar?.... I’ll have a double Vodka and Red Bull.

I would like to thank **** on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind words, I think we all agree that they look amazing today, only outshone and rightly so by the Beautiful Bride – **** who looks stunning, I’d like you all to stand and join me in raising a glass to the beautiful bride.

TO The Beautiful Bride - ****

Again I would like to thank everyone here who helped make this amazing day possible, ****’s family, ****’s Family and the Bridesmaids for all their hard work. And lets face it ***** everyone here knows it was the women who put in all the hard work –
Sure it was only this morning when **** had to get his mammy to fasten his collar, ** to fix his hair even K** came down to give him his manicure – show us your nails **** – smashing.

All we have do in the preparation is to say – H O W M U C H?!!??!!?? Followed by
Y..Y..Yes Dear of course You’re Right Dear! –
Please stop crying…..
Of course I’ll get Pink Waterford Crystal Champagne Flutes for the Toast.

Men aren’t even trusted to get to the church by themselves, it took 3 of us to get **** there this morning, Me to carry the Rings, ******* to carry **** and **** to lead the way to the PUB for a quick pitstop and refuel.

OK At this point I would like to ask both **** and **** to take part in my speech. **** will you please place your right hand on the table. **** will you please place your left hand on top of ****’s.....
Are you enjoying that?
I would like to ask you both to keep your hands in this position until the end of my speech and believe me **** you will regret it if you don’t.



The Groom and Me
Now it’s time to tell you **** about Me and ****, I’ve know **** for as long as I can remember, we grew up together in *******

We‘re the best of mates - There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for ****, likewise there’s nothing **** wouldn’t do for me in fact we spent most of our time doing nothing for Each Other, I’m kidding of course **** as some you already know introduced me to my Wife, I still haven’t forgiven him!

Joking aside most of our childhood was spent playing football, cycling bikes and doing what kids do best annoying the Neighbours. When we weren’t annoying the neighbours we spent our time at the side of ****’s House, where from time to time I would have to act as referee between **** and ****. Something as trivial as changing the channel on the Tele could spark a mini riot. My best memory is of trying to take a chair off ****, he was intent on making **** wear it. And although **** is ****’s younger brother- he would nearly always win – not because he was bigger or stronger just because he’s crazy!

Both **** and **** are like brothers to me, and their house was a kind of a home from home, I could enjoy the company there and then leave when it got too mental.

Speaking of the lads House I must now offer a Thank you to **** and **** for all the food, drink and occasional lodging that they have provided me over the years.

Thanks Very Much, youse must miss me do ya?

Now onto the main man:

***** was born on the 13th of January, the very same day as Orlando Bloom but as everyone can see that’s where the resemblance ends.

One of them is

Handsome
Witty
Sophisticated
Adored by women

And the other usually looks like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards!!
I let you decide which one **** Married today.


I felt the most reliable source of information about **** should come from not only me but from other people who know him as well, friends and family the people he has gathered here today to celebrate with him. This I believe will give us a clearer picture of the man before us.

I wrote down a few words with which some of them used to describe you.

• A Great Friend – (That’s my one)
• Thoughtful, Determined, trusting – (all very kind words)
• Round and Hairy! (That came from one of the tables at the back. – thanks very much!)
• In fact one of the more mature guests observed that marriage was a serious undertaking and that it should not be entered into lightly I think we agree. But then they commented that at 14 stone, they were pleased to see that you won’t be doing that!
• You know I barely found anyone with a bad word to say about ****, but I did find some.
• When I heard obstinate, lazy, stubborn and single-minded I thought hang on a minute that’s a bit rough (maybe not entirely untrue – but a bit rough!)………….but **** if your Ma and Da don’t know him then who does?


Joking Aside,
When **** asked me to be his Best Man, I was delighted to accept. It is truly an honour for me to be held in such high regard by one of my best mates.

And I believe it also to be a cunning plan on his part as he knows well that nearly all his embarrassing moments and stories I am either directly involved with or responsible for, so I reckon that he though that I wouldn’t share any of these moments with you fearing that I would not want to tarnish my impeccable reputation,….,,,,

And he’s dead Right.

There are however a couple of stories I can share:

We all know that **** works for **** and I use the term Work loosely, don’t get me wrong he has worked hard in the past! But now he sits on high looking down at the lads working around him. I spoke to one of his mates from work and he told me that his nickname at work is The God, its true!!, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it’s a bloody miracle!!!!

In fact he has become so work shy that he is forever coming up with new ways & Schemes to get out of it. Just 3 years ago he emptied the contents of a Tar Truck on the back of his head!!! Nearly burnt his whole Ear of himself. This was mildly successful he was off work for about a week or two.

His second attempt during the summer was much more of a blazing success – 5 weeks off work he had just before the world cup started coincidence? Hmmmm
He did have to empty a bucket of boiling tar inside his boots while the lads weren’t looking. Nearly scalding his whole foot off! He has the pictures of his foot to prove it! – Nut Job!!
Was it worth it ****? Whats your next plan?

Another story I came across from the lads who were at School with him involved him messing in one of the corridors during break with a statue of Our Lady (Bless Self) he was caught by one of his favourite (NOT) teachers Mr ****. His punishment was that during the rest of break time he had to kneel in front of Our Lady (Bless Self) with his hands like this praying for forgiveness, you can imagine the stick and slaps in the head he got. For those 15 minutes He was proper Alter Boy material.

Were they alright ****? Not too bad!

Phew….That was definitely the hardest part of the speech

Good Job I never mentioned

About that time when you were cleaning your gun and you shot a hole in the kitchen window.
Or
How you used to have a Jane Fonda Workout Video – purely for educational purposes! Yea right!
Or
The time we threw a banger into the Chinese Chuck Wagon and got chased all the way home, do u remember that!
Or
that time you won the bottle of vodka in the TAV – drank it and then threatened to “KILL the whole PUB!”– “I’ll Kill yis ALL!” Good job I didn’t mention that!
And
I’m definitely not going to say anything about the stag, I have a little pal here who’s missed you though. Take out SHEEP G String


How they Met?
I’m gonna try to tell you how **** stalked **** until she finally gave in to his charms
I don’t have a clear recollection of when **** met **** but I know that they had been seeing each other for a while and had decided to go on holiday together with others. It was while watching ** winning the Macho Man competition that this budding Romance blossomed into True Love.

I reckon you have something to thank ** for **** as it was the sight of him topless that drove **** into your arms. That and the 2 bottles of OUZO she had.

Seriously though, **** I know by this stage was head over heels in Love, he had found his one – the women he had said didn’t exist, the one who could tame him, groom him and make him a man. (He’s still a work in progress.)

He has become a better man since meeting ****, He is now more sensitive, in touch with his feminine side ( manicure!) and is now a real man who can watch football with the lads and then head home and watch Pretty Woman with **** and have a good cry.

Now I'm not married long myself, and am in no way qualified to be dishing out Advice but even so, just before I make the Toast, I do have a few words of wisdom for the ****:

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss - then do everything she says
2. Secondly, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football ... so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and don’t put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.
However, **** Assures Me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result In A severe Groin Injury.
3. Lastly, there are three words you must never forget, ‘You're right dear’

TELEGRAMS
I now have a few messages to read out from those who couldn’t attend and those who weren't even invited,

Dear **** & ****, Good luck on your wedding day, sorry I couldn’t make it but I sent one of the lads in my place hope you didn’t mind. God bless you both
The POPE

This one’s from ****’s old football team:
Dear ****, We’ve had **** with us here, we tried him in every position and he was useless. We hope you have more luck. From the lads in the ****

The final and most important task, of best man is knowing when enough is enough and I think that that time has arrived as I look down at my Wife and see her with her head in her hands, wondering “what have I done”

You've been a brilliant friend to me over the years. It's been an honour to be your best man today; Thanks again for letting me have the job!
With all my heart I hope you have a long and happy marriage!

I think you will all agree that today, **** truly is the best man and apart from **** being the most stunning person in the room, she is also the luckiest.


Now, in case any of you are wondering why I asked **** to place his hand on top of ****’s, I will tell you now.
**** ... as my final role, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last five minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand over ****.


TOAST
Please all be standing and raise your glasses to Mr. & Mrs. ***************
Their love for each other is plain for everyone to see. **** is hardly ever without ****, and she is hardly without him. They are now Husband and Wife and have the rest of their lives to spend together. They are best friends they know each others past, accept each others present, and believe in each others future.
To the Bride and Groom!!

THIS IS STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS!!
HOPE TO BE FINISHED SOON.

joxers25

Anyone Read this or have some criticism of it?

loopyloulou

i like it, it addresses everyone that should be addressed, the jokes wont really embarress anyone too much and the joke at the end about the hands was very good. I did recognise some of it from a speech i heard at a wedding a few weeks ago, did you get some of it off the internet? They'll both be very happy with it i think.

joxers25

loopyloulou wrote:

i like it, it addresses everyone that should be addressed, the jokes wont really embarress anyone too much and the joke at the end about the hands was very good. I did recognise some of it from a speech i heard at a wedding a few weeks ago, did you get some of it off the internet? They'll both be very happy with it i think.

Thanks for that Loopyloulou, yea some of it I lifted from the internet bout half I'd say.

i've had a few sleepless nights - can't wait to get it done!

misswex

I thought it was very well done - heard a few of the pieces before but that is to be expected.

daiixi

I don't like it. I think it's too long and it's trying too hard to be funny. There's too many stories and I think it takes away from what you're trying to say which should be (i) that it's a wonderful occassion, (ii) everyone looks fab, (iii) the bride and groom are thankful for everyone for sharing in their day and (iv) for everyone to have fun.
I'd murder anyone who gave your speech at my wedding. Just my €0.02 anyway.

Edit: Oh and as said above, half of your speech has been heard before and won't go down as original or funny. You're the best man. Surely the speech should be your own and not the same old drivel that is said at every other wedding? Keep it short, sweet and sincere.

GAA widow

daiixi wrote:

I don't like it. I think it's too long and it's trying too hard to be funny. There's too many stories and I think it takes away from what you're trying to say which should be (i) that it's a wonderful occassion, (ii) everyone looks fab, (iii) the bride and groom are thankful for everyone for sharing in their day and (iv) for everyone to have fun.


Keep it short, sweet and sincere.

O.k., fair play to you for posting the speech because you obviously want it to be good, even though you are holding it up for scrutiny. I've posted firstly what i didn't like, and then what i did like.

The honest truth - I have to agree with daiixi - I'm engaged myself and I would have found elements of your speech quite offensive if that was the speech given on my day, namely:

referring to the roomful of guests as "Drunks" at the beginning is not funny and you'll end apologising to people for this.

jokes about groom - there's a fine line between slagging someone off and making s***e of someone on the "happiest day of their life" i.e. the jokes about the groom's weight, being incompetent at his job and I don't think the bride will appreciate the Jane Fonda workout video gag, or the fact that you're insinuating that the only reason they wound up together was because she was totally langers, which doesn't reflect well on her.

the "we've tried him in every position and found him useless in all" and the "put her hand over his hand" gags are old hat.

I agree with daiixi - sincerity is key in these speeches.

The purpose of your speech is not to showcase how "funny" you are, it is as the previous poster said to convey the idea (i) that it's a wonderful occassion, (ii) everyone looks fab, (iii) the bride and groom are thankful for everyone for sharing in their day and (iv) for everyone to have fun.

This is the happiest day in their lives and your speech should be positive about the both of them, and why they are such a fantastic couple. Not what's so rubbish about them. They haven't spent thousands to hear how crap they are.

What came across as sincere was the way you had "when we were small" stories about you and the groom annoying the neighbours - You should go into those kind of innocent "god, weren't we a right handful" stories more.

You're obviously close to the groom - surely you remember some flattering (and not crude) comments the groom had to say about the bride when they first started going out?

Your speech is not about entertaining "the lads" with pub humour - that's all fine out on a Saturday night, not on a wedding day. Keep it short, sweet and SINCERE. It's for the bride and groom.
Being a best man is an arduous task. The groom must think extremely highly of you and regard you as a true friend to give you this responsibilty - best of luck with it!

iguana

I agree with what GAA Widow said. You're not out to entertain the lads, you are supposed to be saying how much you care for your friend and how happy you are for him. Just go for something honest, heartfelt and shorter.;)

GrumPy

I think there's FAR too much swearing tbh.

Sillyaspie

I also agree strongly with the two previous posts, heard that speech before, best man appeared a fool, and a thug.

dajoy

If my best man gave that speech for me, I'd have broke a chair across his back:D

Sandwich

Phew….That was definitely the hardest part of the speech

I wrote down a few words with which some of them used to describe you.
etc.

Allways leave out such lines that refer to the fact you are making a speech. Very amateurish, and gives the impression that its a chore for you.

yellowellie

I loved it! The tone of the speech, amount of slagging etc depends on the bride and grooms's personalities. You know as Best Man if they're up for the craic. That would go down a treat at any wedding I've ever been at. The BM speech is supposed to (IMO) be slightly tounge-in-cheek. As long as the important bits that previous posters have mentioned are covered then the joking should not be a problem -although it shouldn't be offensive.

trotter_inc

daiixi wrote:

I don't like it. I think it's too long and it's trying too hard to be funny. Keep it short, sweet and sincere.

I agree completely with daiix here, I found it cheesy rather than funny. I think these days people prefer sincerity rather than cheesy jokes that people have heard before.

Try shorten it a little too joxer, remember there are a good few other people who have to talk, people will get fed up listening if they go on for too long...

Let us know how you get on...

Femelade

i have to agree with yellowellie here.
I really liked it, but it does depend on the personalities of the bride and groom, WE dont know how they would take some of the jokes, but you obviously know them long enough to know what kind of sense of humour they both have.
However, i would cut out the bit about the "crowd of drunks", i'm not sure how many aunts/uncles or even grandparents would take that. Apart from that, i really liked it.