Bridesmaid issues

LegacyUser

Hope this is the right forum, move it if it isnt. Im feeling pretty down at the moment, one of my best mates asked me to be bridesmaid a couple of months sgo for her wedding next year and its just gotten to the stage where im sick of the whole thing already. There are 2 other bridesmaids aswell but since day one im the one she rings, e-mails and txts about EVERYTHING to do with this wedding, even stuff that really has nothing to do with me (decisions about flowers, invites, photographers, cars). Forgive me but surely that type of stuff needs to be discussed with her future husband? Ive bent over backwards for her but i feel like shes only asking me cos she thinks i have nothing better to do (one bridesmaid has 2 kids the other just got married) and i feel like she asks me to do everything with her cos she doesnt want to bother the other 2. Shes also turned into a bit of a nightmare where the other 2 girls are even afraid to say no to anything she wants... I think the whole thing is over the top and ridiculous but i know i cant say anything to her cos shed get very upset and id be the worst on the world! Shes the type of person who does a lot for people and i get the impression now that because shes getting married shes gonna milk this for eveything and make sure everything is about her, and it is, but her attitude just doesnt suit her now and shes not the person i love at the moment. Being selfish and bossy just doesnt suit her. Im getting at least 2 phone calls a day and numerous texts about stupid stuff and all i keep thinking is "where are the other 2 in all this?", why am i getting landed with everything. Im so frustrated but in a position where i cant say anything and its driving me crazy!! The hens is in two weeks and im not even going into the preparation of that, im dreading it. Sorry this is so long, can someone just tell me how to deal with this cos im not doing a good job of it at the moment and ive so much other stuff going on in my own life at the moment i feel like my head is spinning. Has anyone else been through this? Do i just have to grin and bear it until its all over? There still another 5 months to the wedding, i think ill loose it before then . Thanks for reading this.

Crea

I so feel your pain. My sister was like this with me last year and all bad moods were taken out on me. I have a baby 16wks before the wedding but she still insisted I was bridesmaid eventhough I was wrecked looking, pale and my boobs were horrible.
Anyhow, enough about me:p
You have got to say it to her. Try in a nice was when the 2 of you are relaxed and she's not in hyper mode. Just say that she seems to be getting very stressed about everything and you feel that she's not enjoying the build up to the wedding and that she's taking the fun out of it for other people too. Tell her that you want her to enjoy the wedding and that you want to be able to enjoy it too but the way she's carrying on is stopping this from happening. Either that or jokingly refer to her as bridezilla and she may get the hint.
As for asking her hub to be about flowers and stuff, the men generally are not interested in it and have no opinion. About the phone calls tell her you're really busy at work so if she could call once a day with a list of her questions then you'll be able to give her some time. It will make her more organised and if she writes the questions down then she may realise she can answer most of them herself.
Do not grin a bear it - it will ruin your friendship.

Love2love

Why don't you ask the other bridesmaids to help out a bit more?? Or when she asks about flowers or something else tell her that you're not sure and myabe the other bridesmaid might voice a better opinion. I understand you're frustration, the world does not evolve around the wedding but as bridesmaid is that not the job you accept when you say you will do it?

LegacyUser

Thanks Crea . To be honest i think shes absolutely loving all the preparation but youre right about the "bridezilla" tag!! When she rings me in work asking me to look up somthing/ring someone etc ive started saying that ill do it when i get a minute and she knows that she keeps asking me to do stuff cos she actually said it to me! Sometimes i feel bad for wanting her to ask someone else, sometimes i feel like im ungreatful and i should be honoured to be her bridesmaid, and i was at the start, but now im so over it. Im meeting her on saturday, she wants me to go and look at tiara's, shoes, veil etc, all stuff for her that really dont need my input at all as after all shes the one who will be wearing them. I know i should say something cos i dont want it to ruin our friendship, but i find myself not answering her calls as i have to psyche myself up to speak to her and get into "wedding conversation". Ill see how saturday goes anyway.

LegacyUser

Love2love wrote:

Why don't you ask the other bridesmaids to help out a bit more?? Or when she asks about flowers or something else tell her that you're not sure and myabe the other bridesmaid might voice a better opinion. I understand you're frustration, the world does not evolve around the wedding but as bridesmaid is that not the job you accept when you say you will do it?

The feeling i get from the others is that they dont hear from her half as much as i do and i dont want them to feel like theyre being left out of the whole process. Ive subtly passed things onto them, particularly regarding the hen weekend, which is meant to be organised by the chief briedsmaid/matron of honour (both of which i am not!!). I accepted all aspects of the job when i said id do it, i just didnt think it would involve taking over my free time and taking up time in work!! As i said in my first post i dont like the fact that im doing 90% of the stuff just because the other two are married/have kids, i have a life too!

Chinafoot

leavemealone wrote:

Im meeting her on saturday, she wants me to go and look at tiara's, shoes, veil etc, all stuff for her that really dont need my input at all as after all shes the one who will be wearing them.

Eh, you're her bridesmaid and you're her friend. Of course she wants your input. It's not like she's trying to get you to make the final decision on these things for her. Maybe she just wants someone to bounce ideas off and get a second opinion?

As for "she should be discussing it with her future husband", in all the weddings I've seen, the bride is the one who kinda has final decision on those things. My sister got married in June and her husband admitted that the groom is another one of the brides accessories. The big day is usually all about the bride, so maybe she wants some girly opinions from her friend?

Also, try and be aware that weddings are expensive and stressful things to organise. They can seem to take over the life of those gettig married in the run up to the big day. Maybe she's just excited? Afterall this is supposed to be one of the biggest days of your friend's life.

Try and be a little patient with your friend. From your post it just seems like she is looking for some help and even if you weren't her bridesmaid, surely as her friend you'd be prepared to give it?

If you feel like you can't do that for her then you need to sit her down and tell her that all the wedding stuff bores the pants off you and you think she'd be better off calling one of her other bridesmaids for help and advice. I doubt she'll be too happy about it though.

Oh and remember, the wedding will be over next year and things will go back to normal. Assuming that you manage to give your friend some support that is.

Darragh29

Eh wedding is not for another 5 months time but hens night is in two weeks time!?!?! What's that all about!?!?!?!

LegacyUser

peachypants wrote:

Eh, you're her bridesmaid and you're her friend. Of course she wants your input. It's not like she's trying to get you to make the final decision on these things for her. Maybe she just wants someone to bounce ideas off and get a second opinion?

She has been doing this and ive been giving her my opinion, i just dont feel i need to be consulted on every single detail.

peachypants wrote:

Also, try and be aware that weddings are expensive and stressful things to organise. They can seem to take over the life of those gettig married in the run up to the big day. Maybe she's just excited? Afterall this is supposed to be one of the biggest days of your friend's life.

I understand they take over the life of the person organising it, i wasnt expecting it to take over mine aswell!! I mean its every day and theres still 5 months to go! Is that what your sisters was like? Maybe i just didnt have a clue as to how much was involved. Im just trying to find out if this is normal as it doesnt seem normal to me it seems very excessive.

peachypants wrote:

Oh and remember, the wedding will be over next year and things will go back to normal. Assuming that you manage to give your friend some support that is.

We've been friends for over 10 years and ive supported her through everything thats happened in her life and will continue to support her through this. I love her like a sister, all im trying to say is im finding it hard to love this bossy, demanding diva that shes become thoughout this whole process, it doesnt suit her and i cant get used to seeing her like this. I hope youre right and things go back to normal. Id hate to think that if i was ever getting married that my bridesmaid would feel like this. I thought i would enjoy this more than i am, hopefully it will get better. Tks for the reply.

LegacyUser

Darragh: Wedding is in Feb so she didnt want it to be in either Dec or Jan. October and November didnt suit various different people so the 29th Sept was decided on.

Peachypants:wrote out a reply to your post but i dont know where its gone aaaggghhh!!! Can you just tell me if your sisters wedding was the same? Were you involved every single day aswell? Im just trying to compare and see if im over reacting. My friends and family dont seem to think so but then they would know a lot more than what ive posted here.
Weve been friends for over 10 years and i love her so much, i just dont like the person shes become during this whole process, it doesnt suit her and i cant get used to seeing her behave like this.

annR

- she's usually a nice person and seems to have transformed suddendly? She's probably *so caught up* in it and * so stressed out* she has no clue about the way she is coming across.

- I agree that you should not have to deal with all this while you are at work

Therefore I 100% agree with Crea. Make her organised and write a list. If necessary, tell her you're standing in for your boss and can't take calls at work anymore. Calling people at work and expecting them to jump is not on so don't allow it to happen.

Chinafoot

leavemealone wrote:

She has been doing this and ive been giving her my opinion, i just dont feel i need to be consulted on every single detail.

Maybe she values your opinion? Plus, what bride wants to go looking for her bridal accessories on her own?! That wouldn't be much fun now would it.

If it's a case that you have stuff on that day and can't make it then just tell her. She may be so caught up in all the details that she hasn't considered whats going on in your own life. Tell her out straight that you're made busy at work at the moment and that you have been told to cut back on the personal calls, etc.

If it's a case that you don't want to do the wedding stuff then be honest. It'd be better for her to have someone who will show some enthusiasm for the whole thing go with her when she picks these things out.

leavemealone wrote:

I understand they take over the life of the person organising it, i wasnt expecting it to take over mine aswell!! I mean its every day and theres still 5 months to go! Is that what your sisters was like? Maybe i just didnt have a clue as to how much was involved. Im just trying to find out if this is normal as it doesnt seem normal to me it seems very excessive.

Yep my sister called me pretty much everyday during her preparations and we spent a lot of time together in the run up. Bear in mind, I wasn't the chief bridesmaid, our older sister was, but she is closer to me and therefore asked for my opinion a lot more. There can be a lot of politics involved in who gets asked to be the chief bridesmaid. Our older sister was asked because I had been asked to be godmother to their baby, so it was seen as a kind of "fair's fair" thing. Perhaps it's the same with your friend. You might not be chief bridesmaid but perhaps your opinion is the one that she values the most.

My sister was fairly relaxed about the whole affair up until a few months beforehand when it all became very real. Then there was the panic that things wouldn't go right, the desire for every little thing to be perfect and for everyone to have a great time on the day. Bear in mind the cost of the wedding and you can see why some brides get unbelievably stressed out. A cousin of mine got married last year and they spent around €15,000 for the one day.

leavemealone wrote:

We've been friends for over 10 years and ive supported her through everything thats happened in her life and will continue to support her through this. I love her like a sister, all im trying to say is im finding it hard to love this bossy, demanding diva that shes become thoughout this whole process, it doesnt suit her and i cant get used to seeing her like this. I hope youre right and things go back to normal. Id hate to think that if i was ever getting married that my bridesmaid would feel like this. I thought i would enjoy this more than i am, hopefully it will get better. Tks for the reply.

I'm sure you've heard the "bridezilla" tag before. Weddings can turn even the most mild-mannered women into complete and utter bitches. It's nothing intentional, it just happens due the ever increasing costs and the pressure of having one shot at the perfect day. Remember that more often than not all eyes are on the bride.

You two are good friends so maybe tell her she needs to relax a little. Go out for a drink together and make a rule that no wedding talk is allowed for the night. Make it sound like you're giving her a break.

She's your friend and as much as you might not get the whole wedding thing (I'm sure that if you get married yourself you might be a little more understanding) it's only a few more months and you should want to do your best to give your friend one of the best days of her life.

jubi lee

god, you poor thing!!! my head is even wrecked reading the post!!

weddings are pretty intense for all involved. might be worth going away on ur own with your other half or friend and just turning your mobile off so she can't get in contact, just until you can recharge your batteries a bit. 5 months left??? she's only going to get worse until everything is sorted and then she'll fret about everything all over again

not sure speaking to her while she's in the nervous state that she is in will help at all.

Trinity

Peachypants makes a lot of good points.

not been in the same situation but i do know what its like to be called upon to do everything even in work!!

i think that the likes of going looking at veils etc is lovely, a real girly day out and obviously she wants to share that with you.

However i would draw the line at everyday particurly in work.

she would be devastated possibly if she thought you were not enthusiatic about the biggest day of her life but dont forget you have a life too so why not set aside wedding prep time a couple of evenings a week.

that way she knows you still care. Littlle girls playing lets pretend we are getting married springs to mind LOL and i am sure she is just excited and wants to share it.

But i would tell her that you are getting into trouble at work or something and then say but hey we can arrange an evening where we sit down and work on stuff that still needs organising. Get out a pen and paper (she'll love that )

personally i would not be much good at organising anything so i would really need the help of my friends whose opinion i respect!!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies, im definately going to stop all the work calls and e-mails about the wedding and to be honest i think if i did that it would be a load off my mind! Being mad busy in work and then remembering that i have to do something for her aswell is stressful!
I do know that she asks my opinion because she knows ill be totally honest with her. Im going to try and relax a bit, i really just needed to hear peoples opinions on it. With regard to the cost, shes paying about 25k!!! Crazy money but then thats what she wants. Tks

SingingCherry

I think peachypants has given the best advice yet.

You were being asked to be a bridesmaid, did you not realise what was going to be asked of you? Yes she wants your opinion on everything, it's par the course of a bridemaid. The success of the day falls down to the bride, and if it doesn't look good, she looks stupid, or at least that's how a bride-to-be feels. She goes a bit wonky, she stresses and she asks a lot of the people she trusts the most. She obviously values your opinion and so she seeks it. Flowers, veils, dresses, food, decorations and DJs are all things that I consulted my bridemaids with, and they had consulted me.

If you really want all of it to stop, then sit down and talk to her, but in her state she likely won't take it well. She'll probably feel you are telling her you think she's annoying and to leave you alone. She'll be incredibly hurt. No girl wants to be a bridezilla... it just sort of happens.

But i would tell her that you are getting into trouble at work or something and then say but hey we can arrange an evening where we sit down and work on stuff that still needs organising. Get out a pen and paper (she'll love that )

<-- fantastic advice!

Other than that, you can politely ask to step down from your duties. Tell her there is just too much in your life going on right now, and you fear you won't be able to give the wedding the proper attention it needs at the moment, but you're still willing to help with minor things. I feel this is sort of your best bet at this point if you really can't stand it.

Good luck.

Crea

It's very hard to know the expectations of the bride when you sign up to be bridesmaid. I have been bridesmaid 4 times (oh God!)
Twice I had to do very little - go to the wedding dress fitting and pick the bridesmaids dresses.
Once the bride was so laid back and I was working a 3 day week so I arranged everything - it made me realise i'd hate to be a wedding planner but she was so grateful and I wasn't busy so it was a joy.
Once the bride stressed over everything, fought with ME chief bridesmaid over stupid stuff. She had 3 other bridesmaids but I got it in the neck every time. I was on edge the hen night and the day of the wedding in case I didn't read her mind and do something she wanted. As it turned out she was as cool on the day and even fell over when someone stood on her train but I knew if it had been me she would have never spoken to me again.
I really need to get over this:(
Talk to your pal for the sake of your friendship but picking out the veil and tiara etc is the best bit. Enjoy it too.

StandnDeliver

put your phone on silent,dont pander to her needs all the time.if she asks why you didnt answer say you were busy,your working etc.
she needs to learn others have a life too.