I think my mother is having an affair

LegacyUser

My mother has been acting really strange lately.

She has been making 100s and 100s of calls to a number that she claims not to know. She calls it tons. texts all the time. Over 400s times in the last month.

I rang it and a man answered.

She is always going out and telling stupid lies about where she is going, like doing herself up just to pop around the her friends house.

Its been going on since about March.

I dont know what to do, I feel so upset, my brother and I both think there is something going on and I am so hurt for my father.

What else could it be?

What should I do?

Anyone have a similar situation?

theTinker

Holy **** in hell thats a horrible horrible problem to have...
I feel complete respect for you handling it so efficently.

Well u seem to have made up your mind about whats happening. If your father doesnt have any clue about this then I would feel obligated myself to tell him. You could broach your mother about it too but i would worry that it might make her hide it a little better only..
I know it would be EXTREMELY difficult to talk to your dad about this but this must be causing u alot of stress constantly and thats wrong in everyway because it wont go away.
Tell him you want to talk to him in private. Tell him that you know your mother is constantly calling a number she claims she doesnt know and is making up lies about where she is being, and tell him that you just wanted to make sure he knew. show him the phone bill and tell him your brother wanted him to know too. Tell him its been like this since march. Thats it. You dont have to even mention the word affair incase it sends him into an agressive defensive thing. either way, Your responsibility ends there unless u happen to see sumthing more conclusive. Your father then knows what you know, end of story. If he wishs to say anything to his wife, its his territory. If your mother ever puts u into a position to lie tell her no and inform your father.

I hope you dont feel like this would be betraying your mother. As i see it, it would be your duty to your mother if your father was doing the same thing. U would probably do the exact same too for any of your friends or your brothers girlfriend. Its just expressing that you've noticed some really odd and different behaviour which could devastate someone you care about.
This is of course only my opinion, i was never put in that situation personally.

secret_squirrel

I have to disagree completely with what the tinker said.

If you mother is having an affair it is her responsibility to tell your Dad not yours.

Your mother and father are responsible for their relationship, a huge component of which has nothing to do with their kids.

The person you need to talk to is your mother. Make it quite clear about the impact it is having on you. Your father is big enough to look after himself, however you need to remind your mother of the risks she is taking, and the way that it will affect you and the family.

It will also confirm one way or another whats going on. IMO its also the mature approach. Hopefully being approached in a mature manner will bring her to her senses and one way or another you might get a resolution to the whole mess. Just bear in mind that it might not be the resolution you want.

If your brother is old enough make it the two of you talking to your mother, try to do it in a way that highlights the potential damage she is doing to the family, but try to keep it non-confrontational.

Good luck.

Trinity

OP i really feel for you.

However how do you know about all these phone calls/texts? Are you checking up on her?

Is your dad suspicious?

The only thing you can do is talk to your mother. Do not yell, do not accuse. TALK.

You have to decide if you really want to hear what she has to say. As people get older and have been married for a long time, things change. You possibly have no idea what goes on in your mother and fathers relationship.

Try talking to her first, take it from there. DOnt hurt your dad, let her tell him if he doesnt already know.

Dinxminx

I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time, OP. I don't really know what to say... On one hand, your mother hasn't acted with a lot of maturity so far, so I'd be worried that what the first poster said about her being able to hide it better if you go to her about it might be true. On the other hand, it really should be her that tells your dad and not you. Putting all that responsibility on you and your brother's shoulders is unfair.

Good luck with the whole situation anyway and let us know how it goes,
xx

Ruu_Old

Sorry for the situation you have been put in OP and as much as it is hurting and might seem that telling your Dad is the right thing to do, it really is not. It is not up to you to clean up this mess. Talk to your Mam like the previous posters have mentioned, let her know how you feel and plead with her to sort it out for everyones sake. I hope it works out to be something positive. Good luck.

Crea

I agree that you should talk to her but if she's getting dolled up to meet him and contacting him that often it sounds like she's very excited about this new relationship. Also, if she's not even trying to hide it properly then maybe she wants to get caught. If you confront her be prepared that she may leave your dad especially if you are older. This won't be because of your actions - it will just hurry what was inevitable anyway.

Marksie

You are not totally sure.

Telling your father is not the way to go. Sitting quietly with your mother..outside of the house and talking to her is.

It doesnt appear that she is being very discrete.. but there may be issues that you dont know about.

It is best to explain what you know and how you feel, be sure to let your mother answer fully and try not to get too upset.

It muts be a difficult time for you..good luck.

deisemum

Is there any chance that there could be some other explanation?

LegacyUser

Get proof first - before sturrin d ****.
Maybe hire a private dick.
There might be some innocent explanation.

Miss Fluff

Talk to your Mum and hear what she has to say.

agreed you could totally the wrong end of the stick

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your help and advice.

The thing is I don't live at home and it takes about four hours to come home so I getting everything second hand from my brother but he sent on my Mum's phone bill to me by email every day there are about 15 texts and on the main phone line it is calls. When I ring the number noone answers.

I so not want to tell my Dad as it would upset him so much but I do not know how to bring it up with my Mum I have not been home in about a month so over the phone it is so much harder. She seems really distant but she has done for a while I had put it down to her letting go of her childern and accepting we are old enough to look after ourselves but this person who ever she is contacting and meeting seems to have taken over all her attention.

Any suggestions on how to raise the issue with me being away from home and only knowing it from my brother who lives there. She is going on holiday tommow for a week it is a group thing its not with the person who she rings although he may be in the group.

It is really hurting me and I am crying all the time and it is affecting my relationship it feels like a death it has come as a complete surprise.

Any other sugggestions would really help.

Thank you all.

secret_squirrel

ConfusedDublin wrote:

The thing is I don't live at home and it takes about four hours to come home so I getting everything second hand from my brother

Be very very careful. You need to form your own opinion of your mother's behaviour.

ConfusedDublin wrote:

Any suggestions on how to raise the issue with me being away from home

Go home, damn the journey time and the cost, and perform an 'intervention' on your mother. Make sure she is aware of the hurt and heartache she is causing you. (Thats if your correct and she is having an affair) There may just be a logical explanation.)