Telling Girlfriend About Criminal Record

dublinshane

There’s a girl who I’ve been seeing for a while and I’m definitely into. She’s not in Dublin and I’m going to see her this weekend. My problem is that she doesn’t know about the fact that I was in prison and have a criminal record.

On our first few dates that wasn’t a problem as we were getting to know each other but the last time we were out I had to bend the truth with some stuff to get around it.

It’s not something that I want to bring up with her but I know that at so
me stage I will have to come clean. Is it better to wait a while and let her get to know me more or should I tell her now and risk her ending it this
soon?

Would the prison thing put you off a person straight away or if you knew the person well would that be as big of an issue or is it worse to try and cover things up?

Just interested on how people would react in this situation.

Oriel

I would leave it, and let her get to know you a bit first. Then have a "Look, I have to tell you something" moment.

Amazotheamazing

Just tell straight away, especially if you're already bending the truth to avoid telling her, it'll just make you seem really really dishonest if you lie to her and then tell her you were in prison in a few weeks time.

In some ways you could present it as a positive thing, that you learned from your mistakes and that you had to take responsibility and that it gave you a whole new perspective etc etc.

takola

Do you not think it would be better for you to be honest with her and see how she feels about it? I would say tell her now, at least if you're honest she can't try to say you lied to her!

It definitely wouldn't put me off, I tend to take people at face value. I dated a guy for a while who "forgot" to mention that he'd spent a couple of years in prison. The charges were serious and everyone seemed to know about them but me. I was livid when I found out. Not because of the fact that he'd been in prision or what he'd done (Which was really horrible) but mostly because he'd never told me. I was told by a friend! I would have prefered to hear it from him and I wouldn't have stopped seeing him because of it!

I really think you should just be honest. No point in starting a relationships with secrets in the background.

Mojito

dublinshane wrote:

Is it better to wait a while and let her get to know me more or should I tell her now and risk her ending it this
soon?

Definitly wait a while, there's absolutly nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn't tell her straight away unless you have too but you shouldn't bend the truth either, if it does pop up then tell her.

vandermeyde

nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself whilst you get thru the initial few "get to know you" dates...at least whilst things are relatively casual...after that at least then when you tell her she can base her decision on you rather than on any stereotype she might have....its not the kind of thing I would keep hidden for any longer than that tho, these things tend to bite you in the a$$ if you don't front up fairly quickly.

jammie

OP, in my opinion I think it's best to get it out in the open and be upfront with her before either of you develop any stronger feelings for each other. So if she still wants to be with you great if not, hopefully you can both move on Good Luck

seamus

There's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping schtum about it for a little while, unless a reason crops up to tell her (trying to go abroad together, looking for a new job, etc).
Being ashamed of something or otherwise not wanting to tell the whole world about it is a perfectly valid reason to hold it back. You're only getting to know this girl. If it falls apart after a few weeks, do you want her walking around with that knowledge about you? On the other hand, if you feel that there will be a lot more to the relationship and/or you know that she's not the carelessly blabbing kind, then pick your moment. She'll appreciate the sentiment of you revealing it to her.

At a guess, I would say that a person having been in prison may or may not sour the relationship - it would depend on the offence. If you were jailed for being involved in a fight and knocking seven shades of ****e out of someone, then perhaps she may be able to accept that you made a mistake. If you were jailed for death by dangerous driving (for example), then perhaps she may not be able to stay with you. By the time you're ready to tell her, you should know her well enough to be fairly confident of her reaction.

Miss Fluff

I guess the secret is not to lie to her.

You said you've already skirted around the issue and if lying/being economical with the truth becomes habitual then it's time to come clean as she will catch you out on the lies.

It's early days though. See how you go, if you like her etc and want to spend more time with her, then tell her. I definitely wouldn't keep the information from her indefinitely but just choose your moment carefully and be 100% honest. If she thinks your worth it, she'll stick by you.

Good luck

spurious

For me, it would very much depend on the offence and how long ago it was.

I would want to know fairly early in the relationship, though not on a first date.

It might affect things like holiday destinations.

Darragh29

spurious wrote:

For me, it would very much depend on the offence and how long ago it was.

I would want to know fairly early in the relationship, though not on a first date.

It might affect things like holiday destinations.

Yeah, same view here. Depends entirely on what you did that landed you in the slammer. If it was for drug dealing, joy riding, manslaughter, murder, GBH, etc, I doubt you'd get much sympathy from her. If on the other hand it was for a debt issue or some sort of petty matter(s), I'd say it could be laughed at... All depends on the circumcumstances of your conviction me thinks...

Ickle Magoo

You have to say something ASAP. "Bending the truth" or lying as it is more accurately called won't do you any favours - especially if you intend on breaking news she may not like.

Would having a criminal record put me off a man? Depends what he had done tbh...tax evasion I could live with - murder? rape? Wouldn't see me for dust. Best of luck

Ruu_Old

Argh, reminds me of that stupid TV licence ad,
"Go on, tell me, we all have wild moments"
"Hehe, ok I didn't pay my TV licence *goes in for a kiss*
*girl pulls away and looks disgusted*
Could YOU live with the shame.


I think it really depends what the offence was tbh, as mentioned you don't want to end up going to the US on holidays (or wherever) and then turned away in Dublin because they find out you have a criminal record. Best sort it out now, get it over and done with, no secrets. Good luck.

gorgeousjunkie

I say "keep your trap shut"

It's none of her business. That's who you used to be, not who you are. She's dating you now. The only time someone needs to know something about your past is if it will effect your (or your combined) future. Like "I have AIDS". That's important, that's something you need to tell someone about. Your criminal record shouldn't be an issue.

bug

dublinshane wrote:

Would the prison thing put you off a person straight away or if you knew the person well would that be as big of an issue or is it worse to try and cover things up?

Just interested on how people would react in this situation.

I would say it kinda depends on what you were in prison for.
It would also depend on what her attitute is to different subjects.

For example, someone getting locked up for a few months for drugs wouldn't bother me personally, I know a lovely guy back in the day who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But someone who stabbed someone for example would take me aback. If nothing else I would have a load of follow up questions.

At the end of the day like every person your past is what makes you the person you are today.
It's hard to tell other's you get close to what you've done and where you've been, because sometimes its hard to believe your own past actions.

Wait until you know her a little bit more and find out what her attitude to these things are before you tell her.
But the sooner the better, dont leave it too long, and best of luck Shane

daiixi

If you're avoiding subjects and bending the truth then you'll probably, eventually, end up lying and that will end up being the issue; not the fact that you have a criminal record.
If it was me I'd want to know and I'd want to be able to make an informed decision from the beginning about a potential partner.
If she wants to be with you she'll be with you no matter what you've done in the past. Just don't lie to her.

dublinshane

Mixed advice on here - just like what's in my head and what my mates are sying to be honest.

I posted on here about it last year and it was a fight that got out of hand and I got done for assault causing harm and criminal damage. I've moved on alot since then but it is still recent enough - got out in March so this is the first time this has come up since and i don't want to blow it.

I know it's not good about the fact that it is recent enough and the fact that from what I know of her now that she is pretty clean cut and that but you don't know how people will react. I suppose I am a bit lucky the fact she isn't in Dublin and that she hasn't really met my mates yet as the worse way for her to find out would be if someone talked to her with a few pints on them. I'd be happy enough to wait a while for her to get to know me better than breaking it to her now if I knew for sure that she wouldn't find out.

So I still don't know whether to bring it up this weekend.

Ruu mentioned about holidays and that's another thing. A group of mates are going to Las Vegas in January and I would love to go but am wondering do the American immigration service have access to full records of Irish people or if it is only certain people they are interested in.

Sleepy

Shane, I'd leave it til you'd been seeing her a month or two before telling her. Let her know who you are before she makes decisions based on the fact you were in a fight that got out of hand. When you come clean, be prepared to answer any questions she may have on the issue and let her know that you don't mind telling her anything she wants to know, that it's not something you want to keep a secret from her but felt it prudent to wait a while before telling her.

I had a friend (we've lost touch since for different reasons) who lost a girlfriend when confessing something like this (but a rather more serious crime) but he'd only know her a couple of weeks at the time and was caught up in something of a whirlwhind romance. Like I said, he was guilty of something far more serious than assault but he's since met someone who doesn't mind at all. In fact I heard recently that they're engaged and she's now expecting.

With this in your past, it's always going to be a bit of an acid test for any new relationship so at least you'll know fairly soon (if you're honest with the girl) if she's really into you or not.

On the other matter, AFAIK, American Immigration have access to everything.

[Jackass]

"Hi, my name's Shane, I was in jail for a couple of months for getting drunk and kicking the crap out of someone, can I buy you a drink?"

Hmm, no there is defenatly a point in a relationship when it's too early to break the news.

Probably best she knows you better before, as human nature dictates, she passes judgement, as at least it will be balanced, after all, everyone makes mistakes and they shouldn't define you.

If you tell her too early you're not giving her the chance to understand the entire situation and to see the person behind the act not the act infront of the person.

Best of luck with it and I hope everythings going well for you since your release. I thought your thread before was really honest and a good insight into how good people can get into bad situations. Sometimes it takes more for people to learn and "grow up" in life, but you seemed to really understand as your thread went on the mistakes you made and what you need to do in the future...that's what she'll need to see when you tell her, and it's a lot easier when she knows you well.

If all else fails, show her your thread!

Ruu_Old

dublinshane wrote:

Mixed advice on here - just like what's in my head and what my mates are sying to be honest.

I posted on here about it last year and it was a fight that got out of hand and I got done for assault causing harm and criminal damage. I've moved on alot since then but it is still recent enough - got out in March so this is the first time this has come up since and i don't want to blow it.

I know it's not good about the fact that it is recent enough and the fact that from what I know of her now that she is pretty clean cut and that but you don't know how people will react. I suppose I am a bit lucky the fact she isn't in Dublin and that she hasn't really met my mates yet as the worse way for her to find out would be if someone talked to her with a few pints on them. I'd be happy enough to wait a while for her to get to know me better than breaking it to her now if I knew for sure that she wouldn't find out.

So I still don't know whether to bring it up this weekend.

Ruu mentioned about holidays and that's another thing. A group of mates are going to Las Vegas in January and I would love to go but am wondering do the American immigration service have access to full records of Irish people or if it is only certain people they are interested in.

Well not too sure what kind of records they hold, however when you are departing from Dublin for the US, they give you a green form to fill out beforehand. You list name, address staying in the US, etc and on the back there is a spot where you tick yes or no to having a criminal record. Now what they do what that I don't know, file it and keep it for the next time you travel I assume. They always seem to go so fast through the process it is hard to say. You might want to call the US Embassy in Ballsbridge (a pain in the backside as they charge over €2 a minute I believe) as I heard it is recommended that you call them before travelling with a record. Hope you get it sorted out anyway.

ionapaul

gorgeousjunkie wrote:

I say "keep your trap shut"

It's none of her business. That's who you used to be, not who you are. She's dating you now. The only time someone needs to know something about your past is if it will effect your (or your combined) future. Like "I have AIDS". That's important, that's something you need to tell someone about. Your criminal record shouldn't be an issue.

Your past makes up a huge part of who you are NOW. Don't try to fool yourself that this isn't the case. I'd want to know ASAP after the first three or four dates.

Khannie

Hi DublinShane. Great to see you're moving on after the last time you were here.

My advice is to let her get to know you first. It's definitely not something to broadcast (there are lots of things that may affect a relationship further down the line).

sinecurea wrote:

I would leave it, and let her get to know you a bit first. Then have a "Look, I have to tell you something" moment.

I think that's bang on.

Put it this way: there are definitely some girls that you would scare off by telling too early, that might have a different opinion after getting to know you. Anyone who has feelings for you is going to understand why you didn't want to tell them straight away, and if she was going to leave you anyway, she's going to leave you anyway (if you get my drift).

No (real) advantage to telling too soon, possible advantage to waiting.

Good luck anyway.

Red Alert

hey! great to see you here again and that you've got a girl

if you're having to skirt around the truth, it means that ye're talking about topics that touch on this. so that to me says its time to tell her. leave it until she asks a question where its relevant and then just out with it. she'll appreciate your honesty (or not, in which case you know you're wasting your time).

Black Swan

dublinshane wrote:

Mixed advice on here - just like what's in my head and what my mates are sying to be honest.

Yes, honesty with g/fs is a big issue. Then again, we all have things in our past that we are not proud of, and we all tend to wait until the timing is right. Just don't lie to her.

dublinshane wrote:

A group of mates are going to Las Vegas in January and I would love to go but am wondering do the American immigration service have access to full records of Irish people or if it is only certain people they are interested in.

I'm currently overseas in USA. They have what they call the "no fly list" over here. I would check with the US Embassy before buying an airline ticket. I know Canada would block you from entry, as this came up not too long ago about Martha Stewert being blocked for her recent "Mickey Mouse" conviction.

jubi lee

a bit of advice from a girl....

If i started dating a guy and he'd already started lying or bending the truth within the first few dates he'd be dumped as soon as i found out the truth.

f you respect her, you'll tell her and let her make her own decision.

joker77

Hey Shane,

Good to hear from you again and also good to hear how life is going - it's not a bad thing to have to worry about is it, compared to what was going on earlier in the year?

Firstly, my advice is number 1 don't lie to her. But I doubt she's going to come out on one of the first couple of dates and say - "Were you ever in prison?", or "Were you ever in trouble with the law?". So the situation isn't really about that, it's about keeping secrets. My honest opinion is that on the first couple of dates, people are just geting to know each other, and everyone has secrets/stuff that they don't exactly want to be judged on over the first date, so I don't think there's any real harm in not telling her until the time is right, maybe after a few weeks. Can't leave it too long though, don't want her to think you were deliberately trying to not tell her. And don't mind all the people on here on their high moral ground who are saying tell her straight away - if they were on a first or second date would they tell their deepest darkest secrets? Don't think so, it's natural to wait until you trust someone to let down your guard a bit.

Good to hear from you mate

dublinshane

Thanks for the advice. Think I am going to leave it for the moment and see how we get on unless it comes up directly.

iguana

I know this might sound a bit stupid, but how about watching a movie or dvd* together about a guy who's in a similar situation to the one you were in, and seeing her reaction. If she is sympathetic to the character then you can gage how she might react when you tell her.

The important thing is that YOU tell her. If it is something she finds out from a third party you will have a much harder time convincing her that you're worth trusting.

*Maybe even something like the 1st series of the OC, if you can stomach it;) , because it starts with the main character in trouble with the law and in a few fights. But he's shown as a sympathetic character in a bad situattion who makes the wrong choices and is trying to make a go of having a second chance.

dublinshane

Good suggestion - never thought of that. Don't know too much about the OC except for the theme tune but might try and get it. Have the Shawshank Redemption - not exactly in that category but everybody seems to like that film and it could get the conversation going. Remember watching that with by then girlfriend before i went to prison - that was strange. Maybe I'll find out if she watches Prison Break and talk about that. I used to watch Oz as well but thankfully it wasn't as bad as that.

edanto

tbh Shane watching the Shawshank might not be the best idea as you've no idea how it would make you feel and you might get overwhelmed. Then it might all come out in an uncontrolled kindof confession fountain which is probably the worst way to deal with those things.

I'm guessing that the way it has come up already is something about accounting for time, such as what did you do after college or where you spent Christmas or something. That would be a good way of getting back into the conversation - "say, you remember the other week when I said that I was travelling last year. Well, actually, that wasn't the truth and there's something I have to tell you that I'm ashamed of."

I think Sleepy's time frame is spot on, a month or two into things, which might well be about now. If a girl sees that you've dealt with your temper or agression or whatever put you in the situation in the first place, she might well stick by you when you tell her. It comes down to trust - if you lie to her at all about it (including dodging it) you'll damage a fragile trust. If you think you know her well enough to trust her with your story, then now is the time.

If you don't feel the trust yet, then wait.

If a girl is going to peg it when she knows your secret, might as well get it out in the open straight away. If she's gonna stick around, I think she'd be happier knowing from the early stages what happenned and how the whole thing affected you.

I remember your thread from last time, your worries about prison and then how it all went for you. You seem fairly level headed, but you'll have to be able to give her reasons to believe that you're not going to do something stupid like that again.

All the best.

iguana

You could also try The 25th Hour which is about a guy spending his last 24 hours of freedom before starting a 7 year jail term. It stars Ed Norton and isn't a bad movie either.

LegacyUser

dublinshane wrote:

Thanks for the advice. Think I am going to leave it for the moment and see how we get on unless it comes up directly.

Hi Shane

I'm replying to this unregistered to protect identities.

My boyfriend had a similar problem and I feel that he dealt with it very well, although I would have liked him to tell me about his past a little earlier in our relationship.

When he realised that we were developing a close friendship he told me that before we went any further he had something important to tell me, but he wasn't ready yet, and asked me to be patient before we allowed our relationship to develop much further. I accepted this as I was getting very fond of him and we carried on seeing each other. When he felt able to tell me about his past he warned me in advance that he was ready to talk and we went somewhere queit where he broke down and told me. He was terrified I wouldn't want anything more to do with him, but as I now knew him as the person he is NOW, not the person he was THEN, I have been able to accept his past as something that happened, cannot be changed, but is over and won't be repeated.

Because he was perfectly straight with me from the beginning that there was something I would need to know, he gave me the chance to get to know him first before having to cope with learning about what he had done while also being aware that he was not all that he appeared to be. And also the chance for him to get to know me well enough to take the risk of telling me. It worked and we are still together and very happy.

This approach might not work for you, but the fact that my boyfriend was as honest as he could be from the beginning meant I was able to trust him and not turn away when he came to tell me his secret. If you really like this girl, be as open as you feel you can be - but not telling her at all is inadvisable. It would come out in the end one way or another.

Everybody deserves a second chance - no matter what they've done, so take your time and give yourself the chance to be happy.

Good luck