Friends with ex

LegacyUser

Ok the answer is probably staring me in the face but i would appreciate others comments.

went out with a guy for a couple of months. lovely guy, plenty of respect, i never took any crap.

broke up due to rows, ok i caused most of them. i wont bother going into why.

anyway ended kinda weird and after a time we became friends.

we ended up back in bed and then it kind of became regular. Ok not a big deal really. Seems straight forward, we know each other, we are attracted to each other etc.

but my head is still wrecked!! He said recently that we wouldnt work but yet he insists the chemisty is strong.

we have been gettin on well, no rows (which was the cause of the breakup i think) and yeah we have chemisty.

so basically i take it he just wants sex. Now i am not prude but is this using me?

problem is i like him so much, i would like to give it another go. But becuasse he drilled it into my head it wont work how can i tell him that?

so what did i do? i told him he is a user and i never want to see him again in a temper. (insert bad language here).

it seemed easier than either coming across as a bunnyboiler who had the oh you cant have sex without a relationship mentality or someone who allowed themselves to be used just to have scraps of his time.

i just dont know how to explain myself to him. i'm so mixed up how can i expect him to make sense of what i am saying!

He is a nice guy, i have had my fair share of blatant users. But some nights i just wanted to be with him.

am i a psycho? should i just go with the flow? most relationships are a risk but going into it knowing how it will end?

if he meets someone more suitable for a 'proper relationship' am i dropped? Or am i just living on hope that because we are gettin on so well he will change his mind?

i do not want to be using sex as some kind of bargaining tool!!

LegacyUser

hiya,

first off, i'm in a similar situation myself. its completely wrecking my head as well. we broke up three weeks ago and until this week we've continued seeing each other just as frequently.

i think you have to decide for yourself if you can actually be a f8ckbuddy - I really wanted to with my exboyfriend but i just can't.
another friend of mine asked me why i was continuing with it if i wasn't happy. i told her if i ended it totally, i'd have nothing at all and it was better than nothing.

HOWEVER, just the fact that i could say that meant that i was compromising. and a situation where one person in the compromise was elated happy means that its not a compromise!

in addition, i'm trying to convince myself that its better to be an all or nothing kind of person cause it means when i find something that works for me, it will be something and someone i'm really happy with.
jeez, i don't know if i'm just waffling or if this is helping but maybe its a small bit of comfort to know someone else is in exactly the same situation!

what am I going to do? its a make or break thing - that much is clear. i'm going to break up this little situation he has going, with no malice other than protecting myself.

if you get a chance, post back and let me know what happened with you - i'd be interested

best of luck!

LadyJ

Was in a very similar situation a while back myself. My advice is get out now.

Yes he is using you. He might not fully realise it because he is so attracted to you but that's the truth of it. Yes he will drop you like a hot poker if someone more suitable comes along. Happened to me.

You don't need to "explain yourself" to him. A one night stand with a stranger is different to sleeping with an ex,especially when you clearly still have feelings for him.

Stop sleeping with him or,I guarantee,you will get hurt. And you might not get over it for a long time.

Ruu_Old

I would go with what LadyJ mentioned and really you should be with someone who needs the caring that you obviously have to give. Let him know you don't want any part of it anymore. Good luck.

metrovelvet

You are setting yourself up for some serious pain. Get out now.

He wants your pussy. Hes getting your pussy. Thats all he wants from you. You are being used. The sex is confusing you.

Drop him. Your worth more than that.

Fanny Cradock

Mercy, that's a blunt post, Metrovelvet, and rather unfair I may add.

OP, If you don't like the situation then stop it. You think that he is using you? Well, the reality is that you are giving him permission to have no strings sex, which, let's face it, isn't possible in your circumstance. It's unfair of you to lose the head and accuse him of using you for sex when you consented to it yourself. I've never been big into the fbuddy thing - one person nearly always feels more than the other and it then becomes messy. Talk to him about the possibility of giving it another go, but I think the reality is that you best get out now.

metrovelvet

Fanny Cradock wrote:

Mercy, that's a blunt post, Metrovelvet, and rather unfair I may add.

Yeah it is blunt because OP needs a cold shower.

Saying that , OP are you using sex to find love?

LegacyUser

hi guys

No i dont think anything is too blunt i did ask for opinions and i take them all on board and appreciate any replies.

Fanny Craddock you are right i consented, its unfair to say he used me.

Metrovelvet has a point. the truth is i caused rows in the relationship due to insecurity- i got my head together when we split up (i think!)

and i thought that spending time with him, showing him (rather than telling him) there was no more rows and generally enjoying each others company (incliding sex yes!) that things would progress.

he possibly didnt know i held hopes and obviously i must look like a child throwing a tantrum cos she didnt get her own way.

simple answer is i thought i could handle it, it backfired.

Best thing i can do is put a stop to it and make a clean break - not out of bitterness but to protect myself from the inevitable.

Thank you - it just makes so much more sense when you see it in written form and others are giving you their honest opinion.

AngryBadger

He's not using you if you're consenting to it. If you want a serious relationship but he's not interested then bail out, but having sex with him doesn't mean he's using you just because it may not be what you want. You're as responsible for what's happening between the two of you as he is.

Budo.Judo.Kev

Well it's obvious he's setting the tone and the agenda of the "relationship". If I were you I'd either seek a commitment from him and start going back out again or go cold turkey. Easier said then done. From your post I get the impression you're fairly high maintainence and overbearing.

Kell

f**kbuddy wrote:

am i a psycho? should i just go with the flow? most relationships are a risk but going into it knowing how it will end?

if he meets someone more suitable for a 'proper relationship' am i dropped? Or am i just living on hope that because we are gettin on so well he will change his mind?

Dear, the questions you should be concentrating on (and the poster immediately after your original post) is "why is my self esteem in the crápper that much that I would want to be used and be bothered that I perceive I have created a problem and therefore must fix it because I dont know what he thinks of me".

You flipped the other day/night and told him what the deal was and to fúck off. So what?? You told him what was on your mind, job done. Why worry what he is thinking anyway? He is someone who is someone who is using you as a sperm receptacle who may or may not know you feel stronger for him. If he does, he's a twat, if he doesnt, thats your tough for not telling him.

Advice- drop all contact. He's not the nice guy you think he is, otherwise you would be in the relationship you want as opposed to the relationship you have.

K-

SingingCherry

I'm a bit confused by some of the replies here - he's not using you if you are consenting?? He's not raping her if she is consenting. If she wasn't consenting, there would be a slew of other problems we should be talking about.

He is using you for sex, and you are not a bunnyboiler to think that sex should come in a relationship. Some people can have the no-strings-attached thing and some people can't. He said you two wouldn't work but is still more than willing to sleep with you and he seems to have no problem with "the chemistry" but it's wrecking your head. Yes, he will drop you once a "proper relationship" comes along and he will not listen to your cries when he leaves. He likely won't care and you will be looked at like you're nuts because there was no committment between the two of you.

It's great you two are friends, but you should definitely just keep it that way. You will be heartbroken otherwise.

Fanny Cradock

SingingCherry wrote:

He's not raping her if she is consenting.

What

LegacyUser

Fanny Craddock i think what singing cherry means is that although i consented to sex - i didnt consent to being used LOL

End of the day everyone has a point and again i appreciate all replies.

This situation is about 2 consenting adults. I went into it hoping we'd get back together - he didnt. My bad.

So as angry badger says i am as responsible as he is - he is not forcing me and now that i know there is no hope of a reconciliation i will bail out.

Budo.judo.Kev - if you got the impression from only 2 posts that i was high maintenance and over-bearing well so be it.

However, you said yourself - hes setting the tone and agenda of the relationship. Because i question this and think i deserve better i dont feel that is high maintenance.

I think i am a good person and deserve some respect. We dont even go out anymore for a drink! Other stuff went on and he passed some comments the night i lost the head with him that i would be too embarrassed to post tbh.

i admitted i caused rows in my previous posts but just because i didnt want to explain why does not mean there was no reason - but i could have handled it better. i accepted that and acknowledged it when we broke up and worked on myself.

Now if having standards and wanting a solid loving relationship with someone who cares about me and treats me well is high maintenance well yes then i guess i am - along with a lot of other girls out there i imagine.

I asked the question because i wanted to believe he wasnt using me and that there was hope of something more. Its obviously not the case.

but thank you for taking the time to reply i appreciate them all.

John Mason

if you have feelings for this guy, stop what you are doing right now, it will lead to no good. He obviously doesnt feel the same way and is quite happy with just sex, and in fairness, you cant really blame him. nothing more will ever happen here and have to get out before you have your heart seriously broken

Magic Pips

Fanny Cradock wrote:

What

agreed!

OP, Its consentual sex, if you want to be with him tell him, stop sleeping with him. Only shag him if you are happy with the way things are going, IE shag him while getting yourself back on the dating scene.

Yes you will be dropped if he meets someone and it f**king really hurts too! So tell him you'll be friends and make a rule not to see him just talk to him on the phone! See how it goes if he wants a relationship he'l tell you but the sleeping together is a big no-no

LadyJ

OP,I can completely relate to what you said in your second post about trying to show him how things could be,if you will. Trying to show him that it can be fun and you can be easy going etc.

I have tried this. I had hopes. I really thought my plan was working and he would give me another chance. However,it didn't work out that way. And I think you know that it won't work out that way for you guys.

There is nothing worse than the conversation where your ex (who's still doing you) tells you that he's met someone else. It's incredibly painful,whether you were only with him for a couple of months,or in my case, a couple of years. Don't make the mistake of doing whatever you can to hang on to someone who doesn't really want you. You'll end up feeling very stupid and very hurt.

Miss Fluff

At least you are being honest with yourself. If you were seeing him merely to fulfil your sexual needs (which is what a F. Buddy is for by the way!;) ) all well and good. But every time you see him you are probably hoping that he will fall in love with you more and more. He won't. You are offering no-strings sex on a plate to him and he's accepting it gladly. Why wouldn't he? Virtually impossible to have no-strings sex with an ex, always one who will have deeper feelings than the other. I'd sever ALL contact with him until you get your head together. By that I mean no texting/phoning either. BTW, who instigates these liaisons? Are they middle of the night bootie calls or do you have a specific night that you hook up? I ask because you need to break the cycle and find yourself to be otherwise engaged on these occasions. He'll soon get the message. You're only setting yourself up for more hurt if you still have feelings for him. Good Luck

Black Swan

You obviously want something more from the relationship. Talk to him about it. If there's no interest beyond the physical, then it's time to move on.

dr.bollocko

Relationships have triumphed over breakups before, but I dont think this one will.
U arent being very honest with the boi, because it seems that your temper seems to have caused most of the trouble.(Again this is based on your first two posts, it comes across as if you have a lot of guilt about the fights etc.) You mentioned that you caused most of the fights, and also mentioned that you told him he was using you, which when you look at it from the boys point of view is pretty unfair. U know he is an emotional being too and the mixed signals would **** anyone up.
A lot of the time you can be prone to having an argument with someone you are in a relationship with because familiarity breeds contempt. So you stopped seeing him for a while, and suddenly realised all the nice things about having him, or any man possibly, around. But that doesnt mean that if you get back together at any stage you will actually go forward and have a successful relationship. I think that history would end up repeating itself and he would get on your nerves again. I think you may have to go and sort your head out, with regards to the ole temper and keeping your cool, and then find someone else to start a new relationship with. All this sex with the ex will **** with your head as well as your funny bits.