bar jokes

Capt'n Midnight

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"


A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."


A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"


A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."


A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"


A horse walks into a bar.
The barman Says " Why the long face"?
The horse says "My boss has been riding me all week"


A bloke walks into a bar with a three legged pig.
The barman says "thats the nicest looking pig i've
ever seen! but how come its only got three legs?"
The bloke says "well, when you have a pig this nice
you don'eat it all at once.


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over
to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you
for a while?"


She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to
his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
He stared at her for a moment, then yelled out at the top of his lungs:
"What do you MEAN two hundred dollars??"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a bar and order
a couple of beers. A few minutes later a bow legged
cowboy walks in and says "who owns the big white
horse outside?"
"I do" replies the Lone Ranger, "Why?"
The cowboy drawled, "you'd better take care of him
cos' he's almost dead from the heat"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and find
Silver leaning agaist the hitching post, panting.
They got Silver some water and soon he was looking better but he was still panting.
The Lone Ranger said "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better."
A few minutes later another cowboy walks into the
bar and says "who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger says "I do, why? whats wrong this time?"
"Nothin" the cowboy said, "But you left your injun
running!"


An inflatable boy took a pin to his inflatable school one day and got called into the inflatable principal's office.
The principal said: "Well Johnny, you've let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down."


Q. Do you know the difference between a consultant and a supermarket trolley?
A. Well, at least a supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. But you can fit more food and wine into a consultant.


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners and the birthing class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly during labour and was informing the men how to give the necessary assurances.
The teacher then announced: "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room went quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Q. Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.


A duck walks into a bar and says, "Give me some Chapstick, and put it on my bill"

Capt'n Midnight

A bar walks into a man. Oops, wrong frame of reference.


A brain goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"


A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and his vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, even his boots are made of paper, even his spurs are made of tissue paper. They arrested him for rustling.


A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?" The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."


A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."


So a five dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles bar."



A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The barman gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You're a TOTAL JERK... And you STINK... Do you know, you're almost AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Mr Magnolia

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a bar and order
a couple of beers. A few minutes later a bow legged
cowboy walks in and says "who owns the big white
horse outside?"
"I do" replies the Lone Ranger, "Why?"
The cowboy drawled, "you'd better take care of him
cos' he's almost dead from the heat"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and find
Silver leaning agaist the hitching post, panting.
They got Silver some water and soon he was looking better but he was still panting.
The Lone Ranger said "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better."
A few minutes later another cowboy walks into the
bar and says "who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger says "I do, why? whats wrong this time?"
"Nothin" the cowboy said, "But you left your injun
running!"

LOL'd

A sandwich walks into a bar.
Barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"


An English man, a Scotch man And Paddy the Irish man walk into a bar.
Barman says "Is this some sort of joke?"

whiskeyman

f(x)=2x+6y walks up to the bar.
"hi, I'd like to get some drinks and food for myself and my friends in the corner please" he says to the barman.

"Sorry sir, we don't cater for functions"

jobonar

ROFL! Brilliant!

Kojak

Another great joke.