False hopes

LegacyUser

Here's my problem. I walked out on a very long term relationship in June. I had been unhappy for many years and just got tired of trying to make the relationship work by myself. There had been no intimacy for years because of problems with someone in his past. We pretty much stayed away from each other after I left, until about a week ago or so. He phoned me one night because he was very upset. He asked if he could come by my place. I said yes. You see, we decided that we would stay friends. Anyway, he told me that night that he was seeing someone and that he had just found out that she may have cervical cancer. He talked me about her for 3 hours. I just let him talk until he felt better. I'm not in love with him anymore, so it didn't bother me that he is seeing someone else. I was happy that he found someone.

Since that night he's called me everyday. He invited me to dinner last week to celebrate the fact that he got a great new job. I went. But Saturday he sent me a poem that he wrote for me. And now I'm afraid that he may be getting false hopes that we might get back together. There is no chance in hell of that happening. I don't want to hurt him again, but I don't want to lead him on either. Do you think it is possible for us to stay friends? Or should I just not see him in any context anymore? Stay away from completely for a while. I thought because he has a new gf that he had moved on. But with the phone calls and the poem and the invitations to dinner I am beginning to doubt that he has.

Sorry this is so long. But any opinions that you have will be greatly apprecaited.

nialo

Approach the subject with him. It mite be innocent but then again it mite not. Be nice about it and if its is innocent it can be laughed off. If not then jst talk about it. It is possible to jst be friends but you both need to be on the same page. Only way you can find out is by asking....

Adam

What was the context of the poem?

I don't believe in leading people on, you just do what you wanna do and dont worry about it until such time as he makes a move, at which point you explain your feelings and let him decide at that point what he wants to do.

But don't just walk away unexplained, thats unfair on him.

Sir Fade the Often Overlooked Due to Transparency

Busterpuss

Was in a similar situation to yourself, And although it may not be the same, talk to him and let him know that your not interested. ASAP.

Ruu_Old

I would have a chat with your friend OP, he really might be taking your kindness and listening to him the wrong way. He should be spending time with his girlfriend with her illness and all, I'm sure she needs the support. Next time you are talking to him, ask how she is and see how he reacts to the situation, like if he tries to steer it in another direction.

Marksie

I think you should talk to him TBH. Make sure what his intentions are. He may be getting something out of his system. But he may want to get back with you.
He really shuld be there for his current g/friend. Has he taked about her and her condition?

6th

Sir Fade the Often Overlooked Due to Transparency wrote:

But don't just walk away unexplained, thats unfair on him.

Sir Fade doth speak the truth, it would be best to tell him what you are thinking. He needs to be focusing on his gf and you should be encouraging that.

Trinity

This can sometimes work and ex lovers may become the best of friends but only (usually) if you are both 'in the same place'.

If one is harbouring secret hopes of a reunion then that leads to hurt and disappointment possibly even anger if it has not been made clear that this is never going to happen from the beginning, ultimately leading to an even nastier parting than the actual relationship break up.

If people are finding it hard to let go they can sometimes hang around rather than face the pain of a break up. They think having you in their lives is a safety net. ANd then they can come dependant on you for their happiness. Thats a lot of pressure on anyones shoulders.

I would suggest that you bring up in a casual way that its great that you can be friends and move on with your lives at the same time.

You have to tell though but in as sensitive a manner as possible.

He may not want to get back at all but its important to find out.

LegacyUser

fade_to_grey wrote:

What was the context of the poem?

It was about him walking on the beach and seeing the colour of my hair in the sand and my eyes in the color of the water and the tears that we both have cried. It was a lovely poem.

OrangeOranges

Do you think it is possible for us to stay friends?

No.

Never ever ever after a long-term relationship is it possible.
Only situation I can think of where anyone would be bothered with the whole friends thing is where kids involved. And even that is hardly closest buddies.

I can never understand why people delude themselves that this can work.

LegacyUser

marksuttonie wrote:

He really shuld be there for his current g/friend. Has he taked about her and her condition?

The only time he has mentioned her recently was when he phoned me a few days ago. He was suppose to spend the night at her place but said she was too sick so he decided to go home.

I have made it perfectly clear to him that there is no chance of us getting back together. And he seemed to accept that. There is one other problem, well not a problem exactly, but connection that we have. We have two dogs who I love to bits. I have visitation on the weekends. Pets are not allowed where I live now so I have to visit them at the house. I try to arrange this when he's not there though. But I still help with the vet bills. One dog is blind and diabetic.

Adam

Well if you care that much about the dogs you'll have to stick around, but if he's fine with you too being finished for good and you are going to stay friends I dont see the problem.

Maybe you could both agree to find a nice home for the dogs to go to with a family that would be happy to let you both visit the dogs occasionally?

/V\etalfish

OrangeOranges wrote:

No.

Never ever ever after a long-term relationship is it possible.
Only situation I can think of where anyone would be bothered with the whole friends thing is where kids involved. And even that is hardly closest buddies.

I can never understand why people delude themselves that this can work.

Of couse its possible !
and is for many people, myself included

MotherGoose

canwebefriends? wrote:

Here's my problem. I walked out on a very long term relationship in June. I had been unhappy for many years and just got tired of trying to make the relationship work by myself. There had been no intimacy for years because of problems with someone in his past. We pretty much stayed away from each other after I left, until about a week ago or so. He phoned me one night because he was very upset. He asked if he could come by my place. I said yes. You see, we decided that we would stay friends. Anyway, he told me that night that he was seeing someone and that he had just found out that she may have cervical cancer. He talked me about her for 3 hours. I just let him talk until he felt better. I'm not in love with him anymore, so it didn't bother me that he is seeing someone else. I was happy that he found someone.

Since that night he's called me everyday. He invited me to dinner last week to celebrate the fact that he got a great new job. I went. But Saturday he sent me a poem that he wrote for me. And now I'm afraid that he may be getting false hopes that we might get back together. There is no chance in hell of that happening. I don't want to hurt him again, but I don't want to lead him on either. Do you think it is possible for us to stay friends? Or should I just not see him in any context anymore? Stay away from completely for a while. I thought because he has a new gf that he had moved on. But with the phone calls and the poem and the invitations to dinner I am beginning to doubt that he has.

Sorry this is so long. But any opinions that you have will be greatly apprecaited.

I maybe wrong, but are you 100% sure that he has a new girlfriend? It sounds like he was probably still thinking about you and decided to call and gave you a sob story so you would take pity on him. Now that you have let him back into your life and you went for dinner, it seems to me that maybe he is thinking that there still might be a spark there. The so called girlfriend called could have cancer and he is off trying to woo you, when he was any sort of a decent bloke he would be back with his so called girlfriend comforting her through this time.

I think you should tell him that you would like to stay friends, but it will never be like it was before. Why dont you tell your going away for a couple of weeks and see if he cools off after that.

I do apologise if he does have a girlfriend and that, but sounds very sus

LegacyUser

OrangeOranges wrote:

No.

Never ever ever after a long-term relationship is it possible.
Only situation I can think of where anyone would be bothered with the whole friends thing is where kids involved. And even that is hardly closest buddies.

I can never understand why people delude themselves that this can work.

Gotta say, I disagree with this as well. I'd say that once enough time has passed after the break up then you can definitely just be friends. I suppose it does depend on why you broke up though, if it's just that you grew into different people, which is admitted a bit of a strange way of putting it, then it should be possible to stay friends. Now if one dumped the other and it got nasty well then that's a different story....

LegacyUser

MotherGoose wrote:

I maybe wrong, but are you 100% sure that he has a new girlfriend? It sounds like he was probably still thinking about you and decided to call and gave you a sob story so you would take pity on him. Now that you have let him back into your life and you went for dinner, it seems to me that maybe he is thinking that there still might be a spark there. The so called girlfriend called could have cancer and he is off trying to woo you, when he was any sort of a decent bloke he would be back with his so called girlfriend comforting her through this time.

I think you should tell him that you would like to stay friends, but it will never be like it was before. Why dont you tell your going away for a couple of weeks and see if he cools off after that.

I do apologise if he does have a girlfriend and that, but sounds very sus

Hmmm...I can't say for sure that he has a new gf. I am only going on what he has told me. I have never met her obviously. But he has always been honest with me for the most part so I just assumed he was telling the truth. Now I'm not sure what to think. No, I'm sure he wouldn't lie to me about something like that.

I will be going away for a week very soon actually. So that will help.

LegacyUser

fade_to_grey wrote:

Maybe you could both agree to find a nice home for the dogs to go to with a family that would be happy to let you both visit the dogs occasionally?

I love my dogs far too much to ask him to give them away. They are devoted to him. The blind one has been living in the house for 10 years. It is the only environment he knows. It would be inhumane to have him moved to an unfamiliar place at this point. I would rather stop seeing them completely then to have him go through that. But thanks for the suggestions )

Marksie

OrangeOranges wrote:

No.

Never ever ever after a long-term relationship is it possible.
Only situation I can think of where anyone would be bothered with the whole friends thing is where kids involved. And even that is hardly closest buddies.

I can never understand why people delude themselves that this can work.

Actually iwhen i was a lot younger i was in a longterm realtionship that didn't last, we are still friends after 20 years.

OrangeOranges

We have two dogs who I love to bits.

wtf!!!!:eek:

Actually iwhen i was a lot younger i was in a longterm realtionship that didn't last, we are still friends after 20 years

Personally I just think thats weird. Is she like a back-up plan if things dont work out the way you plan em?

I really don't know anyone who has done it succesfully over a long-period.

It usually drags the healing process out by months ( even years) and usually ends up with the type of crap thats going on in the original posters situ.

What is a dude with a gf doing writing poems about his ex-gf hair, tears cried together etc etc etc............

What is she doing keeping this thing alive. Wasting time, wasting life, for the sake of a blind dog!!

I suppose the difference for me is switching from a fully formed dating relationship to friends. One day you're sleeping with a person, living with them, thinking that person is the "one" for you.................and the next you're in friends mode?

How does that work? I mean maybe if there was a clean break of a year or two and both people happened to be in each others social circle regularly. Then that would be sound. Maybe even meet up for a cup of coffee every now and then. But the idea of switching from one to the other just doesnt work for me. Dont know how it can work in anyones head.

I can understand missing someone, I can understand wondering what an ex is at in their life, their opinions on what you're doing with your life etc etc etc
But for me thats part of life. Its the sacrifice you make for keeping life unnecessarily over-complicated. A little bit of heart-break for a lot of sanity.!!

I don't understand how a person is meant to move-on with their life. How can any new partner in either persons new life be expected to tolerate the "friends" relationship with an ex?

LegacyUser

We didn't suddenly go from being lovers to being friends. We have always been friends. Our romantic relationship died years ago. So we have actually been just friends for many years now. I just got tired of that situation and wanted more out of life.

As far as keeping it alive because of the dog, that's not the case either. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing to keep alive. I just visit the dogs when I can and take them for walks. If you have ever owned a dog then you would understand my love for my blind dog. He's quite old now. He has been a part of my life for the past 11 years. He is not going to be around much longer.

Maybe you can't understand how people can stay friends, but I know people who have managed to keep their friendship which exes.

As far as his new girlfriend accepting our friendship, she doesn't. She doesn't want him anywhere near me. She is very insecure about the situation. At least that's what he told me. That's not my problem. That's her problem, and his.

Marksie

OrangeOranges wrote:

wtf!!!!:eek: Personally I just think thats weird. Is she like a back-up plan if things dont work out the way you plan em?

Well 20 years is a long time to establish a backup plan orangesorganes.:D
And there wasa period of healing it didnt just go from lovers to friends overnight.... a point to which you alude to later. and there certainly isnt a plan to get together at all. We just managed to maintain a friendsip after it had all died down.

OrangeOranges wrote:

What is a dude with a gf doing writing poems about his ex-gf hair, tears cried together etc etc etc............
What is she doing keeping this thing alive. Wasting time, wasting life, for the sake of a blind dog!!

I think if you look at the thread the OP moved out in June thats about three months ago. It says a long term relationship, i dont know how long. The fact is that the OP has made clear that as far as she is concerned its over and that she IS happy talking about his new GF. What is worrying her is that he seems to think that her ex wants to get together again and wrote the poem. It could of course be a "letting go" poem. But that is what the OP is asking.what does she do as her mind is clearrly made up, she doesn't want to hurt the ex.

He may have a new G/friend, but does he want the comfort of the relationship back?

I dont thhink she is keeping this alive she has been perfectly clear. But its obvious that she isn't being vindictive and would like friends..perhaps it is too soon for that to occur
As for the dogs, it would appear she cares for them and wants to see them.

free2fly

OrangeOranges wrote:

wtf!!!!:eek: Personally I just think thats weird. Is she like a back-up plan if things dont work out the way you plan em?

I really don't know anyone who has done it succesfully over a long-period.

It usually drags the healing process out by months ( even years) and usually ends up with the type of crap thats going on in the original posters situ.

What is a dude with a gf doing writing poems about his ex-gf hair, tears cried together etc etc etc............

What is she doing keeping this thing alive. Wasting time, wasting life, for the sake of a blind dog!!

I suppose the difference for me is switching from a fully formed dating relationship to friends. One day you're sleeping with a person, living with them, thinking that person is the "one" for you.................and the next you're in friends mode?

How does that work? I mean maybe if there was a clean break of a year or two and both people happened to be in each others social circle regularly. Then that would be sound. Maybe even meet up for a cup of coffee every now and then. But the idea of switching from one to the other just doesnt work for me. Dont know how it can work in anyones head.

I can understand missing someone, I can understand wondering what an ex is at in their life, their opinions on what you're doing with your life etc etc etc
But for me thats part of life. Its the sacrifice you make for keeping life unnecessarily over-complicated. A little bit of heart-break for a lot of sanity.!!

I don't understand how a person is meant to move-on with their life. How can any new partner in either persons new life be expected to tolerate the "friends" relationship with an ex?

You've obviously never owned a dog. For some people their dogs are a part of the family.

It is possible to be friends. I don't understand why you think this is weird. Friendship is an important part of any relationship. And if the relationship ends on goods terms why wouldn't you want to remain friends?

OP - just talk to him and see what he is thinking. It may take a bit of time, but it is possible to be friends.

LegacyUser

I just wanted to post a quick update. I spoke with my ex yesterday. I made a point to ask about his new gf. He thanked me alot for asking and said that she is feeling better and has gotten an appointment to see a specialist. he talked about her for a long time. And then he said, "Thanks for listening friend." So I guess maybe I just blew the whole thing out of proportion.

Thanks for listening and for all of your good advice :-)