Real love or just floating along?

bozo

ok i know its only me that can tell myself whether or not its love but could do with advice from people who often feel the same.... with my bf 3 years
he owns a pub so time together is tough.. i work during the day.. he works at night and at weekends..we dont live together,just see each other every saturday & sunday night when he finishes work which is usually 3am..talk on the phone evrey day and mite see each other one night during the week at around 10pm when he finishes football training.. and thats basically our routine together, maybe an occasionally night out every 2-3 months. Now after 3 years of this im wondering is it enough to keep a relationship going?? We basically lead separate lives, im always out without him and vice versa...
am i wasting time being stuck in a relationship like this? sorry for such long post but im so confused im mad about him but dont know whether its as a friend or a boyfriend... argh! please give ur opinions!

Busterpuss

You say: "We basically lead separate lives, im always out without him and vice versa...", is there no way the two of you can go out together, surely you can make that happen once a week as opposed to once every 2/3 months?

It does sound like a habit to be honest, and if you are thinking about this then you need to talk to him about it and see how he feels also. The couple that play together stay together etc etc.

Beruthiel

bozo wrote:

am i wasting time being stuck in a relationship like this? sorry for such long post but im so confused im mad about him but dont know whether its as a friend or a boyfriend... argh! please give ur opinions!

Nobody here can answer that question for you.
Do you think you are wasting time being stuck in a relationship like that?
Do you think he's friend or a boyfriend?
Also, have you talked to him about this?

Busterpuss

Would you miss him if you split up?

if you only see each other once a week, and basically lead seperate lives?

Again tho you need to talk to him bout this.

MojoMaker

bozo wrote:

ok i know its only me that can tell myself whether or not its love but could do with advice from people who often feel the same.... with my bf 3 years
he owns a pub so time together is tough.. i work during the day.. he works at night and at weekends..we dont live together,just see each other every saturday & sunday night when he finishes work which is usually 3am..talk on the phone evrey day and mite see each other one night during the week at around 10pm when he finishes football training.. and thats basically our routine together, maybe an occasionally night out every 2-3 months. Now after 3 years of this im wondering is it enough to keep a relationship going?? We basically lead separate lives, im always out without him and vice versa...
am i wasting time being stuck in a relationship like this? sorry for such long post but im so confused im mad about him but dont know whether its as a friend or a boyfriend... argh! please give ur opinions!

You could read through the answers you got when you posted this a few months ago. They're not likely to have changed a whole lot.

dudara

I was just about to make the same comment, as I think that I recognise your post from a few months previous.

If you're still feeling that things are stuck in a rut, then maybe you need to climb out of it.

bozo

i have spoken to him about this numerous times and we've split up a few times but always got back to each other within a week. he says he tries to make more of an effort but sometimes he cant coz he's job is so demanding but when he does have a few hours to spare he calls to me. its so hard to decide what to do coz he's the first fella i can really be myself with and the first fella ive introduced to my family etc....

Adam

What age are you?

I think the primary part of the ideology of love is to make one another happy. And even should it be the case that he makes you happy, is once a week enough? These are all just questions you have to answer for yourself, but if you want my bottom LINE I'd say it's not worth it tbh, but thats if it were me.

Sir Fade the Often Overlooked Due to Transparency

bozo

im 28, he's 36 and its his first serious relationship and mine too, both have had loads of short lived relationships. he talks about marraige, kids etc and says he loves me more than anything and wont lose me but yet nothing seems to be changing within the relationship

Adam

It's certainly a tough situation, and regardless of the advice you may get from the folk here, the final decision is always going to be very difficult. But ask yourself this: Did you post here to help yourself decide you want to leave?

Sir Fade the Often Overlooked Due to Transparency

Busterpuss

Well if he doesnt want to lose you he should and would try harder.

netvista

looks to me the only way to find out for sure is to move in together on a trial basis. one way or another u'll find out the answer to the question and also should be able to spend a bit more time together. if ye don't want to try it out on a trial basis then i think u have ur answer.

Ruu_Old

If you both want it to work OP, then you or your partner will have to find a way to spend more time together. Ask him to maybe hire some extra staff at the pub, take a holiday together and change that routine. I personally couldn't keep something going having such little time together. Good luck.

bozo

i really appreciate everyone's advice here. i posted this thread to help figure out for myself what to do, sometimes strangers insights can be more helpful than people that know us coz strangers see the situation for what is is without being biased so i really appreciate ye're opinions! at the moment i have told my bf that once again we need time apart but this time for more than a week! i've booked a holiday with my friends in a months time and live my own life for a while so hopefully that will put things into perspective.. my bf has texted me saying he wont give us up that easy so i guess time will tell.... once again thanks, my post may have seemed like i was just posting my own niggling thoughts but i just wanted to know what other people would do

Adam

Well that's certainly not what I would do. Walking (or flying) away from the problem is no good imo, it doesn't get dealt with.

And ok, you say time will tell, so you come back from your holiday and you two have missed each other after the month or however long it's been. How long until you need to take another month apart?? I say if you can't just work it out now then leaving for a month isn't going to sort out the obviously deeply rooted problem you two are having.

Sir Fade the Often Overlooked Due to Transparency

bozo

well considering the way we were with our routine, time apart i feel will let us know what its like without each other and where we can make changes etc... i thought if we just steped out side the situation for a while it mite give us a chance to see things more clearly?

Adam

I know what you mean, but I've tried that approach myself before, and short term it was great, we fell back together and missed each other terribly. But after a week or so everything fell back into the routine it had been and nothing changed. If you want change you'll have to sit down and work it out now.

Sir Fade the Often Overlooked Due to Transparency

Cheese Princess

If you two really think the relationship has a chance then why haven't you moved in together after 3 years? It seems like the only way you would have real time together. Alternatively why can't your bf get someone to cover some of his shifts if he's that serious about wanting to spend time with you? There are plenty of ways you could develop this relationship but it seems like you're not really willing to take the plunge.

bozo

he has talked about us moving in together but into the living areas of the pub so i think thats not really getting away from the problem its only getting more involved in it! i think fade to gray you may be right in saying this whole time apart thing is only pausing the problems for a while, making us miss each other etc.. all my friends and family have told me to take a few months away from him to try and see if this would make him make more of an effort and i taught it made sense...but know as the past has proven it hasnt really solved anything

This is

3 years is enough time to figure out whether you love somebody. I get the impression he is at an age where marraige and kids dont seem like something that can wait anymore. are you both fond of taking things forgranted? it would make sense, he likes routine, and u have let 3 years pass and not questioned why the same things happen every week.

Has he ever surprized you?
Is he really ok with the break and what reason did you say?
if it was the reason you are discussing,.. why didnt he make an effort to remedy it?
do you want the break (and holiday) from commitment or do you want it just to rest yourself from routine?

cupsoftea

From what I gather, you love him very much but want him to change. He knows he doesn't have to change because you will always come back. So what you are looking for is a way to FORCE him to change.

He never takes you out, do you never do anything other than sleep together? I'm failing to see what he is offering you.

You lead a single woman's existance having loads of fun with all your friends but without the hassle of having to look at men as potential boyfriends because at the end of the night you have a man waiting.
It sounds like an ideal life for both of you.
But of course you are not teenagers and the time will come for settling down and having a family if that is what you want (which it sounds like it is).
This man is very poor boyfriend material. Will he make better husband or father material. Children get sick even during pub opening hours, will it be you who has to take all the time off work to look after them. He needs to start taking time off to have a family life right now, but I'll be very shocked if he does. So will you, i'd say.
Any men out there with ideas on how to change a man?

bozo

i can see what your saying cups of tea. i've often wondered if i did start a family with him id feel like a single mother most of the time, thats why ive been so slow in moving in with him etc.. hoping he put more into the relationship before we moved in together.. he talks about marriage and kids all the time and says he doesnt plan on having the pub forever but while he's so caught up in the pub he's letting our relationship take last place..i havent spoken to him now in a week and still am none the wiser about whether to make it a permanent break up etc

lau1247

i'm surprise you keep it up for this long..
You must have a great will power or you really love him..

I personally can't quite live without the other half..
But sometimes it was be too much IMO.. e.g everyday..
But 2/3 months is just too much apart..

This really depends on different person..
Some might feel too clingy.. some might not

I think if you don't feel comfortable..
talk to him..
what have you got to lose?
You guys hardly meet anyway right?

bozo

i have spoken to him about it so many times and for a month or so everythings perfect then he slips into the same habits.. he says he goes through these phases of just keeping the head down and concentrating on his job and that he finds it hard to give himself 100% to anything eg relationships and yet he gives 200% to the pub! He had a tough time growing up, his father was an alcoholic and it was my bf who suffered most from this, the rest of he's family treat him like a child, before he met me he had a well known reputation for sleeping around, barmen always have sex offered to them on a plate, but everyone says since he met me he's calmed down alot and has never been with other women while he's been with me so its very hard to figure him out or even help him

lau1247

everyone has their own circumstances.. i understand that..
but for a normal relationship, most people don't even intend on staying away from each other for that long without seeing..

he might say he had calmed down & for all we know he genuinely might have..
we'll give him the benefit of the doubt..

The following is my own opinion
You said:
"before he met me he had a well known reputation for sleeping around, barmen always have sex offered to them on a plate, but everyone says since he met me he's calmed down alot and has never been with other women while he's been with me so its very hard to figure him out or even help him"

I hate to say this but rationally thinking about it
1) Most normal guys don't pass up free "pass" if you know what I mean (yes there are exceptions).. unless they are the good one and even then the odd one comes through

Let's face it, girls who goes out ain't exactly dressing like crap you know? and i think that say it all

2) "everyone says since he met me he's calmed down alot and has never been with other women while he's been with me " - Who's everyone? How would they know? are you able to confirm that? Do they hang around him all the time..? what about time they are not looking?

I guess what I'm trying to say is just watch out if any signs pops up..
It's better to be prepared than being surprised one day..
from what you said on the last post it seems like the pub puts out a better offer than you..
Hope I didn't make you paranoid

of course this is just my opinion

bozo

i hope that i can trust him coz at the weekends he makes sure we meet when he closes the bar..it did take me a long time to learn how to trust him obviously i was cautious about he's past but he says he has no interest in sleeping around, been there done that and that he regrets that part of he's past..he says nights that he is off from the bar he has noticed that many of his regular customers dont drink there and thats why he feels he has to be there all the time...it is a confusing situation,

lau1247

bozo wrote:

he says nights that he is off from the bar he has noticed that many of his regular customers dont drink there and thats why he feels he has to be there all the time...it is a confusing situation,

ok he's right in that sense..
The way I see it, only the boss himself will put the best effort in his own business..
The employees will only give you the value you pay them..
Because at the end of the day the profit you get won't be theirs.. that's what most employee tends to think..
but does that mean he'll never take a day off ever?

Maybe you both can come to a compromise..
Why not get him to go early..?
What I'm suggesting is get him to finish at midnight..
Get his employee to lock up at 3am or whatever time they normally close..
That way he's there to serve the customers..
They won't be disapointed and go elsewhere..
You get more time with him..

then sometimes you could go there early and wait for him to finish.. talk to him when he's not serving etc..
it seems to me he need to be there only (i.e the face of the operation) most of the serving is done by employees anyway..
That way you two can dance away or hang out in his pub

bozo

i did that at the start of the relationship, he wouldn't be serving but just hanging around the pub but he would just leave me there to make my own company and would only come over to me when the crowd had gone home so its a no win situation really, he says he doesnt mean to do it, its just he's in the bar business the last twenty years and its hard to change whta you're used to. But i've made changes to accomodate him yet he cany do it back..

lau1247

ok.. time to get a job there
Just kidding..

Habit or not.. he's not trying too hard is he?
If I were you, I'd talk to him.. get him to change..
I know you said you done that before..
Properly this time.. Let him know how you feel..
If it still persist.. have a long thought about the pros and cons
It'll likely and most probably be a waste of your time being with him if he doesn't change..

Like people says: relationship is about giving and receiving

Black Swan

bozo I have read through your OP and all your other posts on this thread. Correct me if I am wrong, but I never found you saying that you loved him. Maybe it was between the lines or I just missed it? If in fact you have not in all these posts, does this say something to you? Just a thought.

lau1247

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

bozo I have read through your OP and all your other posts on this thread. Correct me if I am wrong, but I never found you saying that you loved him. Maybe it was between the lines or I just missed it? If in fact you have not in all these posts, does this say something to you? Just a thought.

good point..

bozo

i know at one point i did love him without question, really missed him when i wasnt with him, looked forward to seeing him, but the last year has been so weird, seeing less of each other, feeling like strangers to one another and this has made me question myself am i still in love with him or not, a feeling i have spoken to my bf about. i told him that with the way we were going i didnt know if i was in love with him anymore, saying it was hard to try and keep loving someone you barely saw and was only a breeze in and out of my life. i know i could fall back in love with him if we started spending that little more time together

lau1247

i know how you feel.. my relationship with this girl is similar.. but slightly different..
It's complicated but back in may, everything was cool..

Once the summer started, it's like we see less of each other..
I always try to arrange to meet up with her..
But she's always busy.. or so she make it seems to be..
On the day before she left..
She didn't even bother to meet up with me..
yet she met my cousin.. he know her too BTW..
Then she head off holiday for two months..
I called her once every 2-3 days..
Everytime her consersation was short..
She lacks interaction of reply or trying to converse..

Now she's back from holiday for 2 weeks..
she never called, we did meet up but it was with a bunch of friends.. Not between us two
I felt distant, very different from before summer starts..
Because she has to repeat her exam, I didn't really bother her for the two weeks..
I texted her twice but both time within the two weeks, she didn't reply..
It seems like she's talking to the whole world but me (she mention that she was talking to XXX etc etc during the conversation when we met up with the group of friends)

I have the feeling that it's over and she couldn't be arse to tell me..
What I don't get is that I give and give.. Nothing is being received..
Will call her this week to confirm the ultimatum..
Like I said, you and I are similar.. I thought I love her with all my heart but now it seems like the past

Lurk

Bozo, you should read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" (by the scriptwriters for Sex in the City...can't remember their names)...because it seems like, well, that he's just not that into you, tbh.

madhitchhiker

by now, you could already tell if it's love you really feel! 3yrs is a way too long for a serious relationship..try feeling if you can't live without him or how much you feel you'll lost if he goes out of your life..as you've said, you are to decide.:cool: :cool: :cool: