Intimacy issues

lost_for_words

Sorry in advance if this gets a bit long, just want to create a clear picture so that maybe someone can offer some advice/comments etc.

Two years ago my boyfriend of over four years broke up with me as he had fallen in love with someone in work. After about a year of complete anguish and literally feeling lost I started to get back on track, my friends were great, college was great and work was great. My social life took off and people continuously commented on how well things had turned out for me and i agreed, I'm quite happy now with most aspects of my life.

The thing is i feel like I've been left with some sort of insecurity from the previous breakup. Although I feel over him, I haven't been able to become involved with anyone else. There has been some interest from some guys but i've been focusing so much on other areas of my life that I kind of ignored the romance side of things (which I think I needed to ignore). Recently there has been someone new, we've been 'dating' for the last month about twice a week on average, and he's really nice. However I dont trust myself I honestly dont know how I feel about him, I like his company.... but then again I like the company of my friends, so surely thats not a good thing to decide on whether I want to really be with him?

Out of the blue tonight he started to kiss me and yeah it was nice (if a little stubbly) and then he started to go on about moving on to the next step i.e sex....which honestly has freaked me out. I haven't had sex in over 2 years and it just scares me now. I'm 23 and I've had 3 sexual partners but I really feel like a virgin again, with all the doubt and fear. i know i dont love this guy and I'm not sure I want to sleep with him, but sooner or later I have to get over this mental block.... but how? He talked about going away for a weekend and I didnt know what to say, I was panicking inside.He's a really nice guy but I dont get butterflys in my stomach like I used to when I met someone I liked.....do people still get butterflys when they are not in their teens?

When it comes down to it, whether it be with him or someone else, how do I let go of the past and feel comfortable enough to be intimate with someone again. Right now i feel like I wont ever be able to do it. After 2 years shouldnt I be past all of this?? I cant even kiss in public or be affectionate and I never had a problem with this before.

Any advice or similar experiences are appreciated.

Ruu_Old

Not too sure but was your previous boyfriend your first relationship? If so thats a valid reason why you may be feeling some insecurity. Being honest I would say that you may be in some way comparing your new guy with past experience (ie. getting hurt). You might not be trying to but it might be happening in your mind. Tell him your thoughts and whats on your mind, I'm sure he will be more than understanding. Different people treat sex in different ways. I would have to be in love and on another level with someone else to have sex, but thats just me and everyone is different. Good luck anyway and think carefully about your current relationship, do talk to your partner and communicate.

daveyjoe

Tell him that you want to take it slow, if he doesn't accept that then he's not worth it anyway. Don't feel like you have to explain your reasons to him either. Just tell him that you are interested in developing a relationship with him but you want to take it slow and make sure everything is right.

how do I let go of the past and feel comfortable enough to be intimate with someone again

I can't answer that for you but I suspect that when the right person comes along you will feel comfortable enough to be intimate with them.

Whatever happens please do not be pressurized into something that you're not comfortable with.

Caryatnid

Aw. Poor you.

I don't think it's wierd not to be completely over your relationship.

For me - it took me a good while to get over my previous 'big love' - but it's been over two years since we broke up, and I still don't think I'm 'over' the relationship. I never think of him, have been with different people than him, definitely am glad we finished, know that we weren't 'meant to be'.....

.....but still the hurt from the relationship remains - I don't mean like every day, but it definitely is handicapping me to some extent to getting close to people, because I don't want let myself opened up to get hurt like that again. I don't really want to fall in love that hard again. Not yet anyway. And you know what - I'm happy like that (maybe someone could argue that I'm losing out), but I feel I want to be my own girl, and make myself 100% better before I jump in again. So the reason I'm telling you all this - is to let you know there is at least one other person who feels a bit like you.

About this new guy - you kissed him. You liked it. Great.
He mentioned sex - after the first kiss. Do people do that after the first kiss unless they see you as a one-night stand? I'm not sure. (I mean.....in my experience, after the first kiss, the sex will either happen or it won't, your body language should be enough).
Anyway - he brought it up, and it freaked you out. Totally normal. I'm guessing your a girl who equates, or associates probably is the better word, sex with love, so it's definitely normal to be apprehensive of the idea of sex. Take your time with this guy. Let things happen at your own pace. Try to relax a bit. It might be really good for you to be in a different relationship for a while. Helps us learn and grow. Good luck!

Black Swan

Talk to him. Share your feelings. Take it easy, there's no need to rush. If he really likes you and is a good guy, he will give you time and be patient.

Marksie

when we are badly hurt we tend to protect ourselves and close off. It is understandable that you are insecure about opening up to someone again. All i can say is that it is part of life that we move on and learn from such events.
To close off one aspect of yourself is not in the long run healthy.

IMO you need to connect again with a part of you that was wounded and needs healing. before you can learn to love someone else, you must first re-learn what it is like to love yourself. Try and just sit down and relax and examnine what feelings inside yourself are conributing to this difficulty, what exactly you are frightened off for example. When you have an idea, begin to address them.

Move slowly with this guy communicate with him . learn, in small ways to be comfortable with intimacy., a touch a smile nothing mjor to begin with

lost_for_words

Caryatnid wrote:

Aw. Poor you.

I don't think it's wierd not to be completely over your relationship.

For me - it took me a good while to get over my previous 'big love' - but it's been over two years since we broke up, and I still don't think I'm 'over' the relationship. I never think of him, have been with different people than him, definitely am glad we finished, know that we weren't 'meant to be'.....

.....but still the hurt from the relationship remains - I don't mean like every day, but it definitely is handicapping me to some extent to getting close to people, because I don't want let myself opened up to get hurt like that again. I don't really want to fall in love that hard again. Not yet anyway. And you know what - I'm happy like that (maybe someone could argue that I'm losing out), but I feel I want to be my own girl, and make myself 100% better before I jump in again. So the reason I'm telling you all this - is to let you know there is at least one other person who feels a bit like you.

About this new guy - you kissed him. You liked it. Great.
He mentioned sex - after the first kiss. Do people do that after the first kiss unless they see you as a one-night stand? I'm not sure. (I mean.....in my experience, after the first kiss, the sex will either happen or it won't, your body language should be enough).
Anyway - he brought it up, and it freaked you out. Totally normal. I'm guessing your a girl who equates, or associates probably is the better word, sex with love, so it's definitely normal to be apprehensive of the idea of sex. Take your time with this guy. Let things happen at your own pace. Try to relax a bit. It might be really good for you to be in a different relationship for a while. Helps us learn and grow. Good luck!

Thanks for all the replys, it does help to get some perspective.

Caryatnid: I really do feel like that, I know in my heart and head that my ex was not right for me and yet there is this feeling that if I let anyone else in I'll have to go through all of that pain again. I suppose I handled it badly last time around by keeping it all inside me and walking around with this big ball of rage/sadness inside which is definitely not healthy. Sorry if i misled a little too, it wasn't the first kiss but last night kind of was out of the blue and took me by surprise.

I do equate love with sex, but I'm only realising that now. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to someone I didnt care for and my second partner meant little to me either. In fact both experiences made me feel like crap. I think ye are right, if I'm not comfortable don't do it. Now all I have to do is make my mind realise that having sex wont make things better. The go slow approach is probably better, although I thought I was past all this ages ago.

Marksie

lost_for_words wrote:

Thanks for all the replys, it does help to get some perspective.

Caryatnid: I really do feel like that, I know in my heart and head that my ex was not right for me and yet there is this feeling that if I let anyone else in I'll have to go through all of that pain again. I suppose I handled it badly last time around by keeping it all inside me and walking around with this big ball of rage/sadness inside which is definitely not healthy. Sorry if i misled a little too, it wasn't the first kiss but last night kind of was out of the blue and took me by surprise.

I do equate love with sex, but I'm only realising that now. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to someone I didnt care for and my second partner meant little to me either. In fact both experiences made me feel like crap. I think ye are right, if I'm not comfortable don't do it. Now all I have to do is make my mind realise that having sex wont make things better. The go slow approach is probably better, although I thought I was past all this ages ago.

It takes time, but the important thing is that you have realised it. Op i have a couple of resources that may help PM

ergo

well OP, it's a difficult situation and there's a lot of us who have had similar experience

myself had a difficult (is it ever easy?) enough break up after a 5 year thing aged 18-23, took a long while, at least a year but probably 2 before that wound had even healed and I felt even relatively normal

had plenty of encounters but mostly just on nights out and was never willing to get involved with anyone unless I had no doubts

similar to Caryatnid I was just scared to fall so hard for someone again to leave myself vulnerable to that sort of hurt

lost_for_words wrote:

i know i dont love this guy

this for me is the bottom line, how will you get butterflys if you don't love him..? and if now, as you say, you equate love with sex, then how is this going to happen?

lost_for_words wrote:

He's a really nice guy but I dont get butterflys in my stomach like I used to when I met someone I liked.....do people still get butterflys when they are not in their teens?

this is a good question, and are you basing your feeling that you don't think you love him on the fact that there's no butterflys...?

since my one "big love" I have had one semi-relationship ( about 10 dates but it could never happen for subsequent geographic reasons and because she was relatively recently(6 months) out of a long relationship :rolleyes: ) when I had the butterflys like crazy, like a teenager again

and more recently had a 3 month relationship (which was a complete new record for me!) and I suppose there were some butterflys etc initially but I had to end it because even though she was perfect in every way there was no magic and I felt I didn't love her (or wouldn't ever):rolleyes:

so I suppose just see what happens and best of luck, it's not easy!