Doing time

LegacyUser

Everyday, I get up, go to work, come home and either watch TV or go on the internet. To break the monotony I either go for a walk, exercise or go to the cinema.

I have very little interest in life. Everything just seems so bland and jaded. I know that this is due to me and the fact that I lack passion or enthusiasm about things. It doesn't seem to be there. What little focus I have, I try to use in covering up and acting that my life is grand. It's the only way I get through work and life.

This has gone on since childhood, for more than half my life (I'm 24 now) I shut myself off as a teenager and young adult, having little to do with anybody outside of class or work, and so I have almost no idea of what friendship or hanging out or being intimate means, never even mind kissing a girl. But that isn't that important. The thing that disturbs me is that I'm not that comfortable with other people and with most, I can't get beyond talking about the weather. I listen, and try and speak as best as I can, but I feel very odd alot.

I can recognise and admire people with good senses of humour (I do laugh), but I can't joke and banter back. It's like I'm made of wood and there is little inside but sawdust. At the rare night-out(rare as in once or twice a year)with work collegues, I'm the one who sits at the table and doesn't do or say anything but smile. This seems to be the story of my life. It's not like I'm shy or anything but I don't know what to say most of the time, and usually agree with what the other person is talking about because I don't know my own mind. No matter how much I try and learn about the news, football and all everything else in the world, it doesn't seem to be enough. There is only so much I can say.

I went to a few Doctors before and it was good to talk about it, and I was given tips to improve my social skills and anti-depressents but that didn't work. After awhile, people realise that I find one thing as good as the other, have no strong beliefs and not that many hobbies, and we have little to say. Those hobbies I do have, I have developed so as to appear like I'm normal. However, if asked about them, I have little to say. People pick up on things like that and know I'm not that enthusiastic.

Recently, I've begun to cry more and more in my room, away from those I live with. Everyone is so nice and worthwhile and I am very guilty when I think of how they are and how I am. It's like I'm doing time with life. I just want it out the way.

Suicide isn't the way (even though I have had many fantasies about not being dead) but I feel very, very bad most of the time. Taking someone else's place as it were.

If anyone has any suggestions of how to get out of such a loop, or was/is like me, please post.

tbh

The only thing I could think of that could help is that you start to practise just regular conversations so that you feel more comfortable with it. if you like, PM me, and we'll chat about general crap. It's not much of an offer but if you think it'll help, grand. The way you've posted suggests you are a nice person, but lacking in self-esteem.

biko

Some people are very up and down and some are more "the middle of the road", neither up nor down. Does this sound like you? Is your problem that you can't enjoy things?

You should ask your GP to be referred to a psychologist, there is no shame in going for a few sessions to unload on someone - that alone could help. You need to take the step towards finding out if this a problem that can be solved with therapy of some kind. There MAY be some kind of chemical imbalance that can be treated.

Good luck!

ferdi

yeah pm anyone on boards and start talking sh!te, i think a lot of people will reply! from your post, you sound like a totally sane and reasonable individual who can articulate your problems. go to the next boards beers (plenty of odd-balls there ) probably best not to emerse yourself in the internet either. join a club or class; sports, wine tasting, photography, a language, LAN. anything. the world is your clam! just force yourself out there as much as possible. easy for me to say i know but dont know what else to say.....good luck dude.

Trinity

Hi there

did something happen in your teens, a traumatic experience or anything that would have made you shut off from other people.

How were you before the time you remember shutting off?

lots of people are introverted i wouldnt feel guilty about it. However, human interaction can be nice as well and its nice to have friends/lovers.

free2fly

I'd be more than happy to talk to you if you want to PM me. You sound like a really nice person who is just going through a rough time right now. I'm a good listener and maybe I can help you with your conversational skills.

lost_for_words

I can kind of relate to what you are saying. As far back as I can remember I've felt awkward around people, never really knowing what the right thing to say was, hence I was never popular and was always the person in the background that everyone forgot about. Its a strange feeling, standing next to someone and worrying (to the point of freaking out) that you know very soon you will have nothing left to talk about, and they will discover that you are a fraud and in fact a very boring person.
To a large extent I have gotten over it, but around anybody new it starts all over again, and it can get pretty stressful. I think you can become trapped in low self esteem and believe that nobody would want to talk to you and so it becomes harder to talk to them. If you can make a connection with one person it will make all the difference. Take up the many offers (including mine) for PM you might find it easier to practice social skills without having to go face to face with someone.

eddyc

Its a social anxiety that I think everyone gets from time to time, but for some people including myself it can be debilitating and really get you down, I went through some really bad anxiety there for a while. The thing to realise is that people worth knowing are not going to be judgemental of you becouse you arent funny or witty enough, some of the nicest people to know are simply people who are themselves. If you want to be more social you should practice small things like some of the other posters have said, find something you have a genuine interest in and persue it, perhaps join a club that interests you.
There are also books you can buy about social anxiety and shyness that can help reassure you and overcome some of your difficultys.
Good luck man!!

D-Generate

Go on some big trip around the world or something. Then you will have kick ass stories to tell when you get back.

bombidol

I honestly think that things like the internet and TV cause this in a lot of people. Maybe you should try not switchin on the box or sitting at the PC for a few days. you said you walk, try hopping on a bus and riding it till the end or something, get to see some new stuff and some places even if they are only a bus ride away. Hop on the dart and head out to howth for a walk, spice things up a bit. the more you are out the more you will meet people.
Im as guilty as anyone for sittin at the PC till 1 o clock in the morning or watching 3 flicks in a row. but to say i have a mad life would be putting it bluntly, anytime to myself is a bonus.

Blisterman

Try going out, finding courses in stuff, such as dancing, martial arts, scuba diving, anything.
As well as giving you opportunities to practice talking to different people, you might discover something you really enjoy.

Hellm0

D-Generate wrote:

Go on some big trip around the world or something. Then you will have kick ass stories to tell when you get back.

Totally agree, even the change of setting when you go abroad helps to get rid of anxiety around other people.

I could have posted that myself! I've had exactly the same problem, getting stuck in a routine, leading a boring monotonous life and as a consequence not being very social and not having much confidence at all. I lived in the middle of nowhere, which was the worst thing possible for me as a teenager because I ended up totally shut off and only having the internet and T.V for company. Once you get used to that, it becomes comfortable and you lose the desire to actually do things. You're not used to talking to people, so you're petrified of social interaction and sure that people will think you're boring and an idiot.

The only solution is to make yourself break out of that. I went to work in a hotel in France for the summer and while it was an awful job with awful people, it was one of the best times in my life. I learned about working in a hotel, how to get along with difficult people, met people from all over the world, really improved my French. It wasn't a pleasant experience but I'd rather have been there than in front of the TV wasting my life away. It's so true that making yourself do stuff like that is 'character building', sitting watching TV all the time is no use for anything.

I don't think you should worry about not being overly social or outgoing; a lot of people just aren't meant to be and are happier with a small group of friends. It sounds like you need to relax a bit with people; anybody worth talking to won't be waiting to judge you. I became much happier when I stopped caring so much what other people thought and taking life too seriously. Make an effort to add SOMETHING to the conversation, even something small like agreeing or 'oh yeah that happened to my mate'. People do notice when you say nothing and mistake you for being snotty and arrogant, which is hilarious when in reality your self esteem is so low you're scared to talk. People never seem to consider you might be shy so you will come off better saying something.

Black Swan

The boards beers suggested earlier might be a place to start?

j0e

Yeah dude ure post rings a lot of bells for me, what can I say only that about 2months ago I met up with an old school friend me and him started talking drunken ****e, then we both started surfing its now what I live for, all i can say is try to find a release or something u actually care about something u can do that will dissovle away the other stuff

manonthemoon

Headache wrote:

Everyday, I get up, go to work, come home and either watch TV or go on the internet. To break the monotony I either go for a walk, exercise or go to the cinema.

Do you like the cinema? I mean I love going to the cinema. The majority of majority of movies i find ok, but sometimes I see a movie that just f****** bowls me over.

Like last year I saw Oldboy (Korean movie) had me jumping in my seat.
And a couple of months ago I saw "The Three Burials Of Melquiades Estrada" by Tommy Lee Jones
Like, I could talk about those movies for ages because they just touch a button in me somewhere.


Is there any movie which you saw recently which you might feel the same?
If so why did you like it?

You could let people (flatmates/ work colleagues) know what you thought about it and why?

It might be a start

RiderOnTheStorm

as a prev poster said, this could have been me posting this! I think (am very very sure) that 99% of people feel selfconcious when in conversations. Remember, if the conversation dries up and dies, then there are 2 people that caused it, its not just you! A conversation is like any other skill. You have to pratice to get good at it. It sounds like you missed some years of oppertunity to gain expeirence in this (when in your teens) but it is never too late to start!

The first option to my mind, is to get out and get something to talk about. The big trip mentioned before is good. If touring Europe / Oz / USA is too much for you, start with weekend breaks in B&Bs in good ole Ireland. You will meet all sorts! And you can tell the same stories over and over again to them, as they dont know you and your stories.

If the prospect of getting out and meeting people is hard, a half way measure might be to join a sport club. You dont have to do much talking, or interaction. You just follow lead of instructor. You will find over time that you can start to interact.

Or if that is too much, how about movies? (I am thinking you like films as you say you spend time with TV) Join a video club. This could be a lonesome activity, but you can add a dimension to it by discussing films with the staff and even just asking whats good. They will not know your taste at first, but will in time. If they reccomend a film, take it out. Then tell them what you thought of it when you bring it back, and you can discuss it. This only takes 1 or 2 or 3 mins (depending on you) so, nice small conversations to start. You can keep it short or long entirely up to you! You have a captive audience! I think small / local / corner-shop video rentals are better than larger (xtravision / blockbuster / chartbuster etc) cause you will be rememberd and staff are prob owners (or related) and have a real interest in film.

Lastly (hope I havnt bored you!) it takes all sorts in this life. Some people are listeners and some are talkers. There are a lot of talkative people in my life that I wish would learn to listen!
Maybe you havnt come out of your shell cause you havent found the right stimilus. Experement! Try! Pratice!

please please please feel free to pm me anytime!
I am not great a conversations, but I can talk, and I can listen!

PS most conversatoins are 50% crap anyway! More isnt always better

RiderOnTheStorm

thats gass, ManontheMoon!
I was just typing a reply where I suggest that renting films and discussing them is a good start to conversation / getting out, and you make sim post!

great minds think alike, eh?

Mrs_Doyle

Headache wrote:

Everyday, I get up, go to work, come home and either watch TV or go on the internet. To break the monotony I either go for a walk, exercise or go to the cinema.

I have very little interest in life. Everything just seems so bland and jaded. I know that this is due to me and the fact that I lack passion or enthusiasm about things. It doesn't seem to be there. What little focus I have, I try to use in covering up and acting that my life is grand. It's the only way I get through work and life.

This has gone on since childhood, for more than half my life (I'm 24 now) I shut myself off as a teenager and young adult, having little to do with anybody outside of class or work, and so I have almost no idea of what friendship or hanging out or being intimate means, never even mind kissing a girl. But that isn't that important. The thing that disturbs me is that I'm not that comfortable with other people and with most, I can't get beyond talking about the weather. I listen, and try and speak as best as I can, but I feel very odd alot.

I can recognise and admire people with good senses of humour (I do laugh), but I can't joke and banter back. It's like I'm made of wood and there is little inside but sawdust. At the rare night-out(rare as in once or twice a year)with work collegues, I'm the one who sits at the table and doesn't do or say anything but smile. This seems to be the story of my life. It's not like I'm shy or anything but I don't know what to say most of the time, and usually agree with what the other person is talking about because I don't know my own mind. No matter how much I try and learn about the news, football and all everything else in the world, it doesn't seem to be enough. There is only so much I can say.

I went to a few Doctors before and it was good to talk about it, and I was given tips to improve my social skills and anti-depressents but that didn't work. After awhile, people realise that I find one thing as good as the other, have no strong beliefs and not that many hobbies, and we have little to say. Those hobbies I do have, I have developed so as to appear like I'm normal. However, if asked about them, I have little to say. People pick up on things like that and know I'm not that enthusiastic.

Recently, I've begun to cry more and more in my room, away from those I live with. Everyone is so nice and worthwhile and I am very guilty when I think of how they are and how I am. It's like I'm doing time with life. I just want it out the way.

Suicide isn't the way (even though I have had many fantasies about not being dead) but I feel very, very bad most of the time. Taking someone else's place as it were.

If anyone has any suggestions of how to get out of such a loop, or was/is like me, please post.

Well, I must say, you have done a fantastic job at articulating yourself in the above post.
That is a talent, not many people are capable of putting into words the way that they truly feel.
Maybe you could use your gift as a tool in developing your conversation skills, online or in chat rooms.
You clearly have a lot to say, you just don't have the confidence to say it verbally!

newestUser

Ok, you say that you've had little to do with anyone outside class or work. Why is that? You say that you can't go beyond idle small-talk when you're with people (eg the weather), feigning interest in topics that don't really interest you. You say that you feel like you're made of wood, there's nothing inside. You're the one who sits at the table and doesn't do or say anything but smile. You say you have a very mononotous, boring routine, and that you have very little interest in life.

You sound passive. If you have a boring, monotonous routine *CHANGE IT*. Sounds simple. In reality, it's not. Change just for the sake of change doesn't solve anything. I don't 100% agree with what people here are saying about travel. There are easier ways to broaden your horizons and have new experiences. Going on a round the world kibbutz mightn't be something you're ready for. You sound like someone who's always been unwilling to take risks, to try new things. Why is that?

You're not engaging with the world. You have no opinion on the world around you, because you retreat from it. You feel like you can't connect with people, possibly because you can't. You can't empathise with people because you have not got much shared experiences with them.

You need to change your life and your routine to one which is fulfilling, stimulating, and interesting. That may take a loooong time. It's a lifetimes work for most people. Some people never manage it at all. In order to do this you need to learn how to handle change. You need to learn how to jump outside your comfort zone, and do something that you thought you never could do, or that you thought you didn't want to do. You need to learn how to handle disappointment, rejection, failure, joy, excitement, guilt. I think you need to learn how to handle a whole lot of experiences and emotions that at present you can't. Perhaps your reticence to jump outside your comfort zone is linked to this, you don't want to take risks because you don't feel you can handle it.

There's some reason why you're unwilling to do this. And you have to look back through the years, and identify situations where you behaved in such a manner, and you need to figure out why you behaved in this manner, and what stopped you from behaving in a different manner.

You come across as a people pleaser. You say that whatever hobbies you have, you pick them up so as to appear normal. You say you don't know what to say most of the time, you just agree with what the other person is saying. Doesn't sound like you have a lot of self-esteem. Relationships don't work like this. Fulfilling, healthy relationships aren't all about being what you think you should be in order to please someone. You sound like someone who is very unsure of themselves, doesn't really know who they are, is frightened of being "caught out", is frightened of being exposed as a cardboard cutout of a person. Maybe you aren't a particularly interesting, experienced, or developed person. But you can become one. It won't be easy. It won't be quick. You need to learn to do what pleases *you*. Not the person across the table.

In the nicest possible way, I think you should grow up. You don't seem willing to try new experiences, to be who you want to be (or who you think you want to be), you seem scared of life full stop. Your relationships are based on an adolescent notion that you have to fit in, that you have to please people. Bull. Nobody's able to please everyone all the time. Nobody is liked by everyone. Interpersonal conflict is something that you need to learn how to deal with. I don't think you're sick or mentally ill or anything like that. You just seem like someone who has to be more open to change, who needs to grow up, become a better observer of other people, more open to new experiences, etc.

Just my opinion. You can take it or leave it.

loadabollocks

whatever you are going to do about this...do it now. The first step is a big step. i have lots of good friends but i also also get periods in my life where i go through what you are going through. I tackle it by just getting out of the house and doing stuff...whether it be going to a nightcourse or doing some charity work or whatever. the thing is thought if you are going to do something like this do it properly.....ie get involved!!! dont just go along to something and sit there....waste o time really. if you think you have nothing to say....ask questions!!! find out about other people...asking questions generally means you are interested to know....and people like this i find. i reckon you should go to that boards beers thing. make an effort..people recognise effort and appreciate it and often reply in kind.
good luck. be strong.

Cianos

It sounds as if you are trying to force yourself to be interesting to other people (ie when you say that you try to learn as much about the news and football etc). Dont try so hard to please other people, just do whatever makes you happy. Its time to get comfortable with the kind of person YOU are, and then you will start enjoying life. You crave interaction with other people, so rather than trying to meet people on their grounds, get them to meet you on yours. Put yourself in environments where you share genuine common interests with others. You like going to the cinema, so join a film group. You like exercising, so join a running club etc etc.

Just because you find it difficult at times to converse, doesnt mean you are any less deserved of interaction. I'm sure you have tonnes of interesting things to say but your brain is too preocuppied thinking "What will I say what will I say what will I say???". You scrutinize your own thoughts until you have lost all confidence to verbalise. Just say whatever you like, and if it sounds dumb, fck it!

Also, a good way of talking with people is to ask them as many questions about themselves as you can, because people love talking about themselves. Ask them about their weekend, their job, their friends family etc.

Beer is Life

Man, that sounds like me a few years ago. I shut myself off as a teenager and I think I missed out on developing my social skills or something. Id get up, go to school, come home and go on the internet all night. Stay in all weekend aswell. Hadnt a single friend.

The answer for me, strangely enough, was alcohol. Id go out with my dad, have a few and it would loosen me up a bit. Slowly but surely I started meeting people and at 21 Ive a whole load of friends now. Im not suggesting you go out and get slaughtered, but for me, one or two drinks worked really really well.