Too Generous

LegacyUser

Hi all, i am a boards regular but I would like to go unregged for this one.

To be honest I don't know what I want you lot to say to me, advice or a gentle nudge but here goes.

I am an outwardly happy 25 YO female and everything is going grand in both my professional and personal lives.

The trouble is I seem to be a bit of a gobsh1te that puts absolutely everybody ahead of myself. I will give some examples, I am currently living at home and I pay a rent up to my Mother, however I still pay for the shopping I get myself, if she is with me I will pay for her stuff too. I regularly bring both parents out for a meal and pay, every other friday night, I don't mind this though as I broke up with ex a few months back and it takes my mind off things. After that then I will me a few friends in the pub and more often than normal I will pay as they are all still struggling students. When I am short myself I won't and get a bad reception.

Another example, my siblings take it for granted that I have nothing to do so I can mind there kids, countless times I have given up my weekend to help out. Obviously I love my nieces and nephews but I can't help but think I am merely convenient for my siblings.

I want to head off for a year to work in either New Zealand or Australia but when bring it up I feel guilted into staying. My Mam is sick at the moment, serious enough but not life threatening and when going away comes up she turns on the tears like I don't care about anyone else but myself! same goes for my siblings, they tell me that my nieces and nephews will miss me and that they won't know me when I come back. I am starting to eel trapped and I need to get out but can't help thinking I am letting everyone down.

In work its the same, I work in a small company that is doing very well and I do the work of two people. Its extremely busy, I don't want to discuss work too much but basically I have been told that I am the best employee that he has ever had, I work longer than everyone else cause of the workload and I never ask for more money till it is brought up by my boss. Its too much work, I fear I will become ill if I keep going this way. Again I want to get away but feel I'd be letting him down.

I don't know what to do but I have to do something soon. I have also been like this. Any friend I have ever had has been my mate because of my genorosity/idiocy.

Can someone give me a gentle nudge? I'm not angry just feel stupid.

- Thanks

Gordon

Fear and guilt are the best ways to keep control over people. It sounds like everything would still carry on well if you went away for a year. Do it. Do it for yourself and your future.

You will be able to communicate with your mother/nephews/nieces while away, that won't be a problem. Your college mates will find some other rich sucker to take for granted, and your siblings can mind each other's kids.

Stop being a doormat and live your life the way you want to!

onemanband

There is absolutely no reason for you not to go. You have no children of your own and are financially independant. Of course you should go.

On the subject of being too generous, I think it is great you are like this. This will stand to you throughout your life and you will find it will come back to you in many ways.

However, you need to be careful that people do not take the piss as a result. Trust your own judgement on this. You will recognise people who are totally taking you for granted, the rest will continue to love and respect you.

I can imagine some Aussie lifeguard taking about this amazing and generous Irish shiela he has just met on the Bondi beach. You could hardly pass on that could you???

StandnDeliver

I was pretty much the same as you,give,give,give.Until it hit boiling point where enough was enough.I was being guilted to handing over money like it was my duty.What i did was got a book wrote down all my dreams and said TO MYSELF im gona do them,because if i dont i will be wondering for the rest of my life.
Here i am now strong independant and slowly working my way up my list.The best thing you can do is move out from your surroundings it will do you wonders,or as you said move to new zealand,go for it.Dont tell people,enquire about the paperwork for moving there .When everything is done just announce it.Live your own life or others will for you!!!

Ruu_Old

I've been through this before OP. You have no need to feel guilty, you have a life to make for yourself and must put your own marks on it too. Best of luck.

Aard

Stop letting other people run your life. Put your foot down now before college/school starts again and tell your family and friends to grow up (a lot more nicely than that obviously ). I encourage you to go to Aus or NZ; you'll regret it if you don't. Good luck!

Victor

Would you happen to be the youngest?

Generous Girl wrote:

same goes for my siblings, they tell me that my nieces and nephews will miss me and that they won't know me when I come back.

Thats bull of the highest order. Children adjust. Its not like they are your children and you are skipping the country.

You're young, go enjoy yourself.

LegacyUser

Aard wrote:

Stop letting other people run your life. Put your foot down now before college/school starts again and tell your family and friends to grow up (a lot more nicely than that obviously ). I encourage you to go to Aus or NZ; you'll regret it if you don't. Good luck!

I am finished college three years now so my career is well on its way. A have a fair few quid saved up and I guess everyone must know it. Just so hard to get there negative voices out of my head.

Victor wrote:

Would you happen to be the youngest?Thats bull of the highest order. Children adjust. Its not like they are your children and you are skipping the country.

You're young, go enjoy yourself.

Yes I am the youngest of three, my siblings are maried with kids. Do you think that makes a diff?

Thanks to all who have helped so far.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

just to say I know exactly how you are feeling. I am still a student going into my final year at 19 but have the same troubles as you. I am working along with college and managing to pay for a car etc and just because I'm driving friends think I have money to burn. I took on a lease of a house with some friends last year and it always falls to me to make sure rent and bills are pai on time and contact the landlord whenever he's needed. I end up paying for communal things like bin bags and toilet rolls. When bills are late (because the others don't put the money in the ac) the extra expense is on me to get a money order and swiftpost it. In work I'm doing around 10 extra hours every week because they're eternally short staffed and I'm being guilted into driving home every hour i can when i'm not working because there is nobody to stay as company with my granda during the day.

I'm not sure how this helps but I thought it might at lease be good to know someone else is feeling the same way. I have planned that when i go back to college i will cut my work hours. I think it'll only go to show them how much you are needed and appreciate you more. As for home life I'm going to sit down and talk to my parents. I feel like i'm too young to be working, learning, looking after someone at home and juggling so much financially. You should try to talk to your family too. You don't have children and you're young. They need to accept that you need to travel and do other things and not be stressed out at your age.

Good luck OP.

leeroybrown

Personally speaking I have very little time for anyone who tries to pull the guilt card to get me to do or not do something. You've obviously spent a lot of time with your mother and given up a lot of time looking after your siblings kids. They should be able to find some time to visit their mother and look after their own kids at the weekends.

If you really want to go to Aus/NZ then look into it, plan what you'll do to go there, save up, get your visa's, etc and go. Given the amount of time it takes to sort out something like this everyone at work, home, etc will have more than enough time to sort themselves out and adjust.

Black Swan

Generous Girl wrote:

I want to head off for a year to work in either New Zealand or Australia but when bring it up I feel guilted into staying.

It sounds like you need a new start, and this trip to NZ or OZ may be an appropriate way to accomplish it? But you need to resolve the problems you have here and not recreate them there? Otherwise you are just running way from something that will follow you? Is there someone who's opinion is qualified and you trust to help you work through these issues?

Victor

Generous Girl wrote:

Yes I am the youngest of three, my siblings are maried with kids. Do you think that makes a diff?

You are the "baby" (as opposed to the golden child or the one in the middle) and parents feel excessively attached to the baby.

LegacyUser

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

It sounds like you need a new start, and this trip to NZ or OZ may be an appropriate way to accomplish it? But you need to resolve the problems you have here and not recreate them there? Otherwise you are just running way from something that will follow you? Is there someone who's opinion is qualified and you trust to help you work through these issues?

Yes I certainly do. TBH I just can't see how I will ever be happy in Ireland and fulfill the dreams that I have with things as they stand.

Recently a friend approached me for a loan of a sizeable amount of cash because "your not doing anything better with it", I don't drink or smoke and I don't drive so after rent and expenses I can put a fair few quid away, thats my business tho.

I didn't give her the loan cause I knew I'd never see it again, she is not speaking to me anymore. I met her Mother in town and she asked why she hadn't seen me around and she said she was surprised that I didn't give it to her....I feel like a doormat.

Wish I could just ignore the emotional blackmail and go.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote:

You are the "baby" (as opposed to the golden child or the one in the middle) and parents feel excessively attached to the baby.

The golden child in this case can do no wrong even though he's a selfish git. The middle child is barely around so I guess your right, totally latched onto me.

Static M.e.

Take a year off and travail, go to new zealand for the year. You wont regret it, I just got back 8 months ago and it was absolutly fantastic. Love to go back.

If you want a nudge I'll give you one.
You are young, single with no ties at the moment, financially secure, money in the bank, finished college, carear well on its way. You will have a great time and make loads of new friends who will like you for who you are and not your money or spending.

I cant think of one reason not to go?

Your parents just want to keep you safe
Your Siblings needs a babysitter.

Also travailing alone in NZ is totally normal, infact its practically recommended so many people do it, I went over on my own and within 2 days of landing I was out with large groups of people having a great time! If you do decide to go, drop me a PM (Hopefully this is ok ADMIN) and I can give you loads of details on some great spots in NZ, where to stay, how to get around, places to visit etc. Its class

PS. Out of Curiousity what is YO?

Victor

Static M.e. wrote:

PS. Out of Curiousity what is YO?

25 YO = 25 years old.

Op, you've been reading too many personals.

dermot_sheehan

OK here's the advice.

Go, now.
Book now so you're over for the Australian Summer. Go on internet and start looking at flights visas etc now. The important thing is life is to be polite but firm. Honestly politely tell your siblings that you are busy at the weekend. Working hard is good if you like it but don't feel afraid to tell your boss that you need to cut back your hours. I understand there are some people who just need to learn to say no, but always say no politely. Politely tell your friend that you need the money to go to Aus. (or lie that you don't have it or whatever, it's none of her business what your financial situation is).

Politely tell your mom that you love her to bits and you will ring every week, it's just that you need to see the world while you're young.

Honestly just get everything booked. Once everything is booked you can just stop worrying about as you have a perfect excuse (yes i'd love to help but unfortunatly I'm flying out that week to australia to 6 months and can't change my flights)