Problem with a girl

LegacyUser

Well, been thinking about talking to one of my friends about this, but I don't feel its worth it, but I'd like some peoples opinions on it.

So, I've been friends with this girl for over a year now, in senior cycle in secondary. So, come this summer we've been hanging around more, in our group if you like. We're all generally pretty close, few girls & guys. So anyway, theres the normal text each other all the time stuff, and we might to talk to each other concerns/problems we have. Heres the tricky part; I think I love her but then I don't. I'll explain; so we've been good friends since about easter this year, and towards the end of the school year I started to fancy some girl in my year, but I wouldn't be seeing her all summer, so that swiftly died down. Anyway, back to this girl, heres what I'm noticing; If I see or hear about her getting close to some guy I feel really hurt and unhappy, but when I'm hanging around with her I don't feel attracted to her that much at all. Not sure whats going on at all here, I know its kind of unclear, but just wanted to see what other people thought.

Ruu_Old

Any ideas on how she feels about yourself (like in "that" way)? Do you want a relationship with her or do you want to remain just friends?

LegacyUser

Ruu wrote:

Any ideas on how she feels about yourself (like in "that" way)? Do you want a relationship with her or do you want to remain just friends?

I'm pretty sure we're VERY much so in the friends zone. So if I were to try a relationship the friendship would go arseways. She just considers me a close friend

Anti

Your a teen, your hormonesare all over the place, Its normal for your age. Just sit back and enjoy it, as when you hit your 20's you wont feel like you do now. It will all be much duller/monotomous

LegacyUser

love is a very strong word. to a girl, i would advise you that you never actually say it unless you truly mean it. at senior cycle in second level ( was there myself) i would never advocate that expression unless you seriously mean it. People here will prob tell me that Im a stick in the mud and that its ok to say those type of things whenm yu're at that age and stage but i dont think it would be fair to put that girl in a position whereby she thinks you adore her, madly attracted to fer, cannot get enough of her personality etc etc when you clearly do not know what you want yourself.

Too many prìckeens out there say ''ah...um...I...love you'' to a girl just to get their first lay or whatever. now I am NOT saying or implying that you are one of these. you obviously have the maturity to discuss this with someone else and that shows character. so maybe you're one of the good ones.

how...ev..ER, you say that you are in no way attracted to this girl when you are around her. My diagnosis:

-you love THE FACT that she's YOUR girlfriend
-you are insecure about the fact that she talks to other guys.
-you are only attracted to her when it becomes clear that she may become unattainable ie wanting what you dont/may not have.
-you have already had eyes for another girl, perfectly normal but in your heart of hearts what would have happened if she was around this summer????

now. it is quite plausable that you do love her. I know several people who have had long standing relationships sice senior cycle secondary school right up until college graduation. they are few and far between. but this rare and wonderful phenomonon does exist. but also remember- i do not know if you are leaving cert or not, im guessing you're going into leaving?) that college has its temptations. could you stay with this girl right through college. could you grow to love her the way she wants to be loved?

and my friend, FACT> girls talk to guys, guys talk to girls and its how you react about this that makes you attractive to the opposite sex. please do not tell this girl you are in love with her if you think she is automatically going to become yours and that she will never talk to any other guy but you...
that is termed possession. something of which yours...she never will be.

so think about it. there's plenty of more girls out there, who you will find the right reason to say i love you' too, but the one thing I HATE about guys is the fact they readily utter those three often unfaithful words to an unsuspecting female. they mess her up and give us good ones all a bad name. so take your time to think about this.

fact- you're in school
fact- girls talk to boys, which talk to girls
fact- girls (from my experience) despise insecurity and if you can overcome this and be comfprtable with her talking to lads, being secure in the fact that she is your girlfriend and only attracted to you- you will become a lot more attractive to her.
fact- college life is ahead.
fact- college life is loaded with females. and males.
fact- you will hurt her if you dont keep your word and if you dont mean it. a girl always, ALWAYS remembers the first time anyone says these words to her.
fact- while you may not stick it out, and you might just, the relationship can last if you're willing to give it a go for the right reasons.

please dont be just another one of those guys that says it to '' get his h0le'', and have a long think about it. fair play to you though, you'r going out with her a year and you're thinking about what you're doing so thats a plus.

best of luck. 3 golden words of advice:

****think****about****it****

enjoy.
arm8.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I get what anti and arm8 are saying. I know and understand its all teenage stuff, and I probably should have said fancy instead of love. I always tell myself theres more to life, it doesn't matter and all that, but stupid hormones try to make things difficult for me. I just don't want to feel bad when she gets with another guy, I always try to take a level headed approach. Guess sometimes the hormones get the better of me.

LegacyUser

Quote: "Yeah, I get what anti and arm8 are saying. I know and understand its all teenage stuff, and I probably should have said fancy instead of love. I always tell myself theres more to life, it doesn't matter and all that, but stupid hormones try to make things difficult for me. I just don't want to feel bad when she gets with another guy, I always try to take a level headed approach. Guess sometimes the hormones get the better of me."

Hey dude, seriously I do know what you're talking about. Believe me, things can indeed work out. You just have to try and discern what qualifies fancying someone from loving someone. I would not agree with anti in his you're a teen, sit back and enjoy it. and you might feel this way about her in your twenties. as i reiterate, it is possible. but you just gotta decide what you want or what your priorities are. I think the whole hormone argument is fairly patronising to a young fella, true it may well be, but yet there are some twenty somethings out there that must be affected by the teenage hormone thing as well by the way they act around members of the opposite sex.

If you like her, who she is, if you both make each other laugh, if you love being around/near her, if she's the first thing you think about in the morning and the your last thought before you shutt your eyes to go to sleep, if you're constantly checking your phone for messages, anything to do with her, if physically attracted to her, if she understands you and you understand her, if she makes you feel good about yourself, if you nmake her feel good about herself (very important! ) If you're not afraid to be seen with her in public, if you dont care what anyone thinks of you two together, if all that matters to you both is each other, if you're physically attracted to her, if you're very attached to her, if she's as crazy about you as you are about her....

and if you Want it to work out....

then go for it. dont put yourself down with the whole hormone thing. its good to recognise it but at the end of the day you're a human being and just because you are an adolescant male this does not automically make you incapable of love, nor does it invalidate your feelings of what love is to those of someone older than you. what iv listed above are not criteria for loving someone, more food for thought for you. you could feel some of these things, you could be in love with her, say it to her and things could work out, who knows?!

best of luck dude, keep us posted, let us know how you get on.

arm8.

GretchenWieners

give it a go, you're young! i'm about the same age as you I'd say (18) and yeah it's not like you'll end up marrying her or anything but it's an experience etc and you can learn from this!

LegacyUser

Hmm, well I think theres a slight misunderstanding here. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, just friends. So thats why I'm trying to nip this thing in the bud before it turns into something that always ends the same way. And I'm worried that I no longer consider her just a friend because of the way I feel sometimes.

Black Swan

Seems like you fancy the one gone for summer? Perhaps she is your best bet? The other is your friend, and friends are worth their weight in gold.;)