Mother invading my privacy

LegacyUser

I'm 21 year old guy and I still live at home.

I keep a travel pouch hidden in my room which contains some really personal items, like condoms, prescribed medicines etc. I noticed today that some stuff had been moved about in my room, when I opened my travel pouch it was very light, my mother obviously scoured the pouch and threw out a lot of stuff, like empty condom boxes.

I am really pissed off because she had no right to invade my privacy like this, its not as if the pouch was lying on my bed, it was hidden. I am pissed off that she found and looked through it but I am nearly ballistic that she threw items in the garbage that she had no right to do. She has such a big mouth that I know she will tell my whole family about my personal items.

Gordon

Have you spoken to her about this?

ArphaRima

Honestly, and I hope people dont think I'm being unhelpful here, but it is worth having a rather stern talk to her(i was going to say raging argument and reconsidered..). I would make it absolutely totally and completely clear that privacy is expected. You are not a 10 year old. And even if it is "her" house a little respect must be due. For her to bin anything of yours is outrageous.

Jonny Arson

Firstly did you see her do this? Fathers, brothers and sisters do this too! On presumption that it is your mother, if you haven't spoken to your mother about it then do it now! It is inexcusable for your mother to root through you personal belongings unless she had a genuine suspicion you had recreational drugs etc. in the house. Is this an isolated incident or does she regularly do this? Stand up for yourself and tell her that you don't appreciate invasion of your personal belongings, she has no right to do this.

Also it would be good advice for you to purchase a locker or box to keep your personal belongings in from intrusion.

Hagar

Mothers are notorious for not realising their children have grown up.
She just needs to realise that you are an adult despite the fact you live at home. It just hasn't sunk in yet. Don't go beserk, but do talk to her, like an adult, childishly throw a hissy fit and you will be treated as a child.

Ruu_Old

Have a chat with her about it OP but to a certain extent it is her house and her rules, etc (that doesn't mean I'm saying shes allowed to through your stuff ). I do understand where you are coming from.

Black Swan

The ultimate solution is to move out when you can. Until then, you need to have a chat with her.

Strokesfan

If you have no other choice but to stay for the time being buy a lockable filing cabinet or make your room too messy for anyone to enter - I'd buy something impenetrable. That's a total invasion of your privacy, my mother has been known to go through my rubbish, it's horrible not being able to trust someone, make it clear that you don't trust her by locking it up. You can get these little "safes" on ebay too that are disgused as household items if that's any help.
What a be-yotch

spanner

a mate of mines mother was conviniced that he did drugs, when she found a mint in his room she confronted him, if he took out too much money from the bank, she would confront him with the statement she just so happened to have found. It was really funny because he is the most anti drugs person I know.

just lay it down to her that that will not be taken, ask her to imagine if her mother was looking through her stuff when she was your age

daiixi

whether it's for the right reasons or not mothers (and fathers and siblings) think they have the right to whatever is yours... if you don't like it, move out and/or have a stern word with the probable offending family members... one thing that I'd keep in mind is whether or not you're paying board... because if you're living at home and not paying board, you're not entitled to any privacy whatsoever...... harsh, but true...

seamus

daiixi wrote:

because if you're living at home and not paying board, you're not entitled to any privacy whatsoever...... harsh, but true...

While I see where you're coming from, I disagree completely. Personally I would consider a child to be entitled to increasing degrees of privacy as soon as they enter their teens. If a child never has any privacy, never feels like they can have their own life, then they'll never feel trusted, and will resist that mistrust by hiding everything instead of just being up front about it.

Once a child has hit 18, then a parent should treat their bedroom as (more-or-less) fully private - entering to borrow deodorant/aftershave/face cream/etc is fine, but going in to clean up or to snoop is unwarranted in any situation.

OP, I'm guessing that if you have a "travel pouch", then you either commute a fair distance to work every day, or you commute a fair distance to college every day. If you're working, then move out. If you're in college, then just have it out with her.

ArphaRima

if you're living at home and not paying board, you're not entitled to any privacy whatsoever

You should never be a parent. At least not after your kids hit 16.

Im 25 and havent lived at home since I was 18. Through some training (by the angry teenagers) my mother eventually learnt that snooping through our gear was wrong.
She never found anything of any value. all she ever did was alienate herself more and more from her young adult children. I remember I rigged a rape alarm to go off everytime a certian drawer was opened. It went off 3 times in a week! -I made a decent point.

Marksie

daiixi wrote:

... one thing that I'd keep in mind is whether or not you're paying board... because if you're living at home and not paying board, you're not entitled to any privacy whatsoever...... harsh, but true...

We are talking about the basic right to privacy.... these are personal belongings.
If the OP was stashing a member of teh opposite sex in a wardrobe thats a different matter.

But mothers are terribly bad for not realising limitations as far as offspring go.

Before you confront her, just make sure that you know its her.
I liked fluffers rape alarm idea.

The other way is to put a note in you travel bag.
along the lines of

"If you are reading this mother then you are looking through my private stuff. How would you feelif i looked through yours? I am 21 years of age and this is not acceptable behaviour..etc etc."
worth a go if you dont like the thoughts of a confrontation

Beruthiel

Untered*8452 wrote:

my mother obviously scoured the pouch and threw out a lot of stuff, like empty condom boxes..

A total lack of respect for your privacy.
I'd feel inclined to get myself a few needles, a small plastic bag of sugar or something, some yellow m&m's, handcuffs. Fill a couple of condoms with a dash of white shower gel and leave them knotted at the bottom of the bag.
OTT I know, but she will either never go near your bag again in shock or it will all come out in the open. At that stage you could tell her you'll be going through her drawers next time she goes through yours. It's not on and I certainly would never dream of going through my daughters stuff. At 18, it's none of my business anymore.

Gillo

Doesn't sound like the usual Beruthiel

I'd be tempted to try the same, but maybe have a chat with her first.

Victor

Beruthiel wrote:

a small plastic bag of sugar or something,

Don't do this. It completely freaked my sister.

projectmayhem

i'm the same... 21, living at home, having my mom invade my privacy at any given moment. her excuse is she's cleaning the room... but i clean the bloody thing every week. it's also not like she can accidentally stumble in since it's the attic.

my solution? move out. i'm saving up with 2 or 3 mates and we're gonna all move in somewhere together and live it up like it's 1999..

Nevyn

Gay pron and a few mouse traps...Honestly.

RandomOne

seamus wrote:

Once a child has hit 18, then a parent should treat their bedroom as (more-or-less) fully private - entering to borrow deodorant/aftershave/face cream/etc is fine, but going in to clean up or to snoop is unwarranted in any situation.

I didn't even do this. I put clean washing on the bed and left. Unless I'd had worries then no way would I have interfered with anything in her room. That's the question in my mind for the OP - does your ma have reason to want to check out what you're up to? (I dont expect you to answer, just ask yourself) If you've given her reason, you've probably got to put up with this until she regains confidence.

GretchenWieners

Lock your room!! I've got nothing scandalous in my room really but I lock it anyway, I'd hate i someone was rooting through my room. Rape alarm will scare the **** out of her!