Worried about my brother

LegacyUser

The problem I need advice about is my brother. He’s 24 years old and I’m worried that he’s suicidal. Even if he’s not suicidal he’s definitely suffering from depression and emotional problems. Hopefully I can manage to keep it somewhat vague because his situation is quite personal.

A few years ago (2003) his best friend (who hed known all his life) commited suicide when they were in college together. They had been doing the same college course and it happened in the house they had rented. I’ll call him Peter though it’s not his real name. He was so close to my brother that people often mistook them for brothers and they were always together. Then a few months later in December another friend killed himself. The 2 boys left behind no real reasons as to why they did it and only Peter wrote a note which the guards wouldnt release because the content was unpleasant.

He took both deaths extremely badly and had to take a year out of college that he spent helping Dad on the farm. He was also put on antidepressants or sedatives by our GP on and off during that time.

He did finish his degree, and went to Australia last year and liked it. He made friends out there and had a good job but it was always just going to be for a year. We don’t know how good he really was over there at all, because he’s very good at giving people the impression he’s fine as long as there’s a phone-line or a barstool separating you. It was when he got home we noticed him to be really bad. He decided not to pursue his career in his chosen area and has been working at home since April (we have a dairy farm). At the time we all thought this was great because there would be someone to take over the farm as well as keeping an eye on my brother and have him home amongst us. But now I think this was a mistake as he is stuck again in a small town where everyone knows what happened and gossips and he is seeing Peter’s family members on a daily basis. He is detatched, silent and just generally downbeat. He gets very upset if things go wrong on the farm like a broken machine or if something needs to be replaced and constantly worries about the work. If work doesn’t get done or there’s a delay it causes a crisis. I’ve noticed that he has also suddenly gotten a bad temper, whereas before (way back when) he was the most easy-going person you could meet.

Dad had tried to suggest getting him counselling or speak to our Priest and family friend but he just stormed out. He still doesn’t discuss the deaths and keeps photos of Peter in his room that I know he looks through because sometimes they are on his desk. This is the only acknowledgement I have ever known him to make of Peter’s death since the few weeks after the funeral and he has barely ever mentions their other friend. Immediately after the Peters funeral, and then their other friend, he used to start crying spontaneously in the most unusual circumstances like at a match or during breakfast, and while that was upsetting for us, it was better than now because it felt like he was dealing with it by getting it out.

He even gets upset over passing references, like a few days ago our sister said “last time we painted the kitchen, Peter was here” and he went silent and was upset for the rest of the evening.

It will be Peter’s anniversary in September and then David’s in December and I’m not looking forward to the atmosphere at home, I think we are all dreading it. This is also going to make my brother sound strange but 2 weekends ago during the night he was found asleep in the churchyard (its 5 mins from our house). My sister noticed his car parked outside when passing. And I only found that out by accident I’m not even supposed to know.

At this stage I can’t see him ever getting over the two deaths, but especially not Peters. He has lost contact with most of their friends, and even when occasionally one of the lads calls up to the house he avoids them by chatting for a minute then going of with an excuse of something to do. Hardly any of them come to see him. He plays football with the village club but everyone has noticed he’s gotten very quiet and keeps to himself. He has been involved with 2 girls since he came back from Australia but relationships never last although to be fair he was never the type to have a girlfriend. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that he’s a very bright and goodlooking guy but he’s throwing it all away. He cant keep going on like this, he’s living a life of misery and he doesn’t seem to want it any other way. Since I found out about the churchyard I’ve become worried about him even more and I think he needs help as soon as possible. Outside friends won’t suggest it because they don’t know how bad it’s become, in fact many people commend how well he seems to be getting on with it. And none of us in the family want to keep bringing up the subject of counselling because it antagonises him. The whole house is on tenterhooks half the time.

The problem is complicated by the fact that there are four men in our family, and only one girl my sister, and we are all useless at talking about this sort of thing. Id be interested to know if anyone else has suffered a bereavement like his and how you’ve gotten over it, or known someone in this sort of situation. Everything seems hopeless to him, and I’m worried he’ll end his own life too.. Sorry this was such a long post but I haven’t even mentioned half of the things that has us worried. I’m sure we could find a bereavement councillor alright but its convincing him to go that’s the problem. Any advice would be appreciated.

miss_gonzo

Im really sorry to hear about your brother. Its tough enough to lose one person youre close with through suicide, but two is just cruel.


I think you HAVE to talk to him about this...even if he becomes upset over the idea of counselling or getting help. Maybe writing him a letter would be better than directly confronting him, especially if you feel like you cant communicate with him? That way you can get all you need to say across and he can see how genuinely concerned you are...



He needs professional help so he can grieve properly and move on with his life. Have you thought of staging an intervention? They arent just for addicts or alcoholics....this situation might warrant an intervention, in my opinion.

wee_me

This is a very difficult situation to be in and i can honestly say i know wot ur going thru. 7 years ago my brothers best mate killed himself. it was totally out of the blue and till this day no1 knows why. they were also very close, like brothers. went everywhere together and where set to go to college to study together. the time afterwards was very difficult for him. my parents made him to go see a councillor but at the time it didnt really do him much good as he hadnt really come to terms with his death. he would also just burst into tears at odd moments. he found it very hard to talk to any of my family until one nite about 3 years ago he got drunk and poured his heart out to me. this was very hard to cope with but the one thing that always stood out for me was the fact he told me he was suicidal but he would never do anything as he had seen first hand wot it does to families. eventually not not long after that nite he knew himself he needed help and sought it. he's now doing really well and as far as i know he's off his anti-depressants.

Really what im trying to say here is ur brother needs to come to terms with what happened. no one can help him until he realises himself that he needs that help. the best u can do is try to look past the mood swings etc and know in time these will pass as he learns to deal with what happened. he will push every1 close to him away but the best u can do is let him know u are there for him and that he still has a lot to live for. This is wot was done in my brothers situation and although i know every1 is different, maybe the same would work for him. good luck...

Diarmiud

Weeman is right. Though he may push you away, make sure that you are involved somewhat in his life. It will let him know that he can't leave you as his friend left him.

Black Swan

He needs a true friend to share these troubles with at this time in his life, as well as professional help. Sad.

Beetlebum

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Reading that filled me with sadness. Something similar happened to my sister a few years ago. Her and a bunch of her mates went on a three month working holiday to Boston. They went out on the p*ss one night and my sisters closest friend choked on vomit in her sleep and died. My sister didn't speak for a whole month, not one word. We were all really worried about her but were advised to just give her time. She walked into the kitchen one day and said...'I'm ready, I've accepted it'. Even to this day she's not over what happened and I don't think she ever will be. She has however learned how to deal with her feelings.

Apparently there are 6 stages of bereavment. Denial is the first stage and acceptance is the last stage. In between there's anger, guilt, sorrow and remorse. It sounds like your brother is somewhere between denial and anger. He really needs to talk about what he's feeling. If he won't go to a counsellor then he mustn't feel ready to open up to a stranger. Also, if your folks push him into going it probably won't benefit him at the moment because it wasn't his choice. Time is a great healer but it's not going to be easy for any of your family. My heart goes out to you.

Miss Fluff

Your post made me so, so sad How terrible that you can't reach out to him. Is your Mum around? You don't mention her in your post. I can see how he may think people are ganging up on him if you are all suggesting bereavement counselling but he really needs to open up to SOMEONE. You sound like you love him dearly, won't he talk to you?

McGinty

My sister committed suicide nearly eleven months ago, and reading your post re: your brother's reaction to people reminds me of how I am at the moment, I feel incredibly lonely and at the same time I cannot bear anyone to be around me, I'm up and I'm down, I feel like someone has ripped my guts out and said there you go get on with it, some of my friends are fantastic others are bored with my depression, I'm getting help though now cos my doctor spotted it, there are benefits to living in a small community, I would guess that your brother is suffering a broken heart, it is horrific to lose someone you truly love, I don't know about the suicide bit, alls I know is that I miss my sister and my friend and I can never ever be the same, maybe that is the case with your brother, for now he can't get over the loss of his friends.

Dudess

McGinty, I am so, so sorry to hear about your devastating loss.
OP, what you're going through is different but still horrific and my heart goes out to you. It's gutting to hear about your brother.
One night, a former flatmate of mine decided to pour her heart out. She wouldn't have been a good friend but she's a lovely person and I got on well with her. I did care about her when I lived with her, and still do. I suppose she picked me because it's sometimes easier to tell stuff to people you don't know that well, rather than someone you know very well and who would worry. Bit like the Samaritans maybe. Anyway, she told me that she was on the verge of ending her life - and I know she was extremely serious. She has a history of some of the severest forms of depression. She said her room was choc-ful of jars of pills and she could quite easily do it there and then. And it wasn't an attention-seeking rant. I know it wasn't. It was a moment of despair.
I would have always thought that I'd ring an ambulance or the guards if someone said that to me. Didn't think I'd be equipped at all. But, for some reason, I was calm and knew what to say. I told her about the agony it would cause her family - obvious but needs to be reiterated again and again. I picked individual family members (her mother, then her sister, then her dad etc) and asked her what she thought the effect would be on each of them. I got her to really think about it. Two of her relatives committed suicide. I asked her what that did to their families. I wasn't trying to lay a guilt trip on her. I just really had to make her see what the consequences of her taking her life would be. Thankfully I managed to get through to her, although I was awake all night and constantly checking on her. It was a scary situation and this was only a person I knew a small bit. Your own brother - terrifying I've no doubt. But OP, your brother HAS to see someone. He HAS to. You can't pussyfoot around him about it. You've got to tell him that help is there and he has nothing to be ashamed of - there's still a stigma attached to depression but f**k it. He can't let such narrowminded views hold him back. Also, have a chat with him like the one I had with my flatmate. I'm not saying I've singlehandedly saved her or anything but it did help her that night. And tell him what a great person he is and about his great traits. He's probably got self-esteem issues after all the heartbreak. I also did that when I was having the talk with my flatmate.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck and I hope you can get through to your brother that he has plenty to live for and not to waste his precious life.

Marksie

I truly feel for you and your family

A couple of years ago My only nephew died, he was closer to my age than my brother and was much closer than a nephew.
He was also my parents only grandchild and my brothers only child.

He was 28 years of age and died of a heart attack brought on by sudden overwhelming septicaemia. Both brother and wife were present when he died and one is a nurse and the other a PT instructor. Gone in 30 seconds. At the time my father also had cancer.

The effect on the whole family was dramatic from numbness through to anger and disbelief. Rage and denial.

I talked to friends and family, we talked about my nephew and his life. His friends came around and did not let the family be alone all through the difficult time.

I was numb but went on for the sake of my brother to make sure they were ok. I went to the doctors and he short term put me on meds to help me through, when i was ready i came off them.

We talked about him is the point i am making, in the end talking released what was inside for meand my family. I also performed a farewell ceremony simple and private.

Two years on, he is there in my thoughts, but it is the good things that i remember.

It is important that your brother talks this through with someone. if you are very poor at expressing. maybe you can just talk to him about him. your concerns fior him and your worries. Gently and not pushing in any way. if he doesnt want to talk just be patient at some point there will be a turning. Just show him you care, not in big expressions, but in the small things you do.
If a comment like "peter would have like this" or "peter was here" is made for example then in my families case we kept the discussion going.

Also as McGinty pointed out her doctor spotted depression: the medication i took was for the same. But once the corner was turned i knew of myself when to come off them. My doctor was good he waited til i told him i was to come off them.

If he cannot or will not talk to you.Then Perhaps, he could PM me... McGinty if you feel it would help, then please do as well. Typing online can be catharitic. and has a degree of anonymity which may allow some freedom to express, once a crack is forced in the door your brother has closed, it will come out.

Blessings to you and your family