trust issues

LegacyUser

I've never been the most trusting person but lately I feel that I've become even less so. Last year my father left and around the same time my longterm boyfriend broke up with me. Since then I feel that I've been drifting through my life, not really touching people or letting them get close to me. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't seem like that to the people around me; I'm still friendly and outgoing but to me it feels very superficial.

My close friends are the few people I actually have any trust in, despite the fact that we've hurt each other in the past, perhaps because we've managed to get over that hurt.

In the case of new people though, I feel that I'm holding them very much at arms length. This is especially the case with guys. Now when I meet a guy I like, it doesn't make me feel happy or hopeful, just sad because I don't trust them to like me back. I feel like I'm playing things very safe at the moment and it's making me sick because this isn't any way to live my life. But at the same time I'm wary of taking risks with people. It's really affecting my confidence because I feel isolated and I'm convinced that people are picking up on my wariness and keeping away because of it.
How do I get over this and get on with my life? Do I wait and just let it happen or do I throw myself out there and risk getting badly hurt?

miss_gonzo

Self protecting can only last so long...Like, you said, its no way to go about living. It makes you feel dead and stagnant as a person.

I can relate to what you're saying. I was never really hurt by anyone, but I still wanted to close myself off from people to prevent them from seeing the personal side of me. Recently, I pushed myself beyond my own boundaries, beyond my fears and it has paid off. Ive gained life experience.

In order to move past your hurt, I think you need to get out of your comfort zone and risk the possibility of being hurt again...its life, you can't evade hurt inflicited by others.

Move at a pace that you feel comfortable with and, I think you'll find that sometimes the occasion will call for blind faith in someone NOT to hurt you. When you see that it was worth the risk and that your blind faith was not in vain, you'll being to build trust again.

Strokesfan

I think unfortunately being treated badly by people in the past makes us withdraw and not be as open as we'd like. It's sad that both your father left and then your boyfriend left you at a time when you most needed his support. I can really relate to your problem because I replied to someone else's thread that I too felt that some of my friendships are very superficial and I don't connect with others as much as I'd like. The best way to describe it, it that I interact with but at the same time feel very disengaged from people.
I think recent events have given your confidence a battering but you know deep down that you have to come back to the surface as it were. I think being so hurt has caused you to start looking inward too much - thinking and worrying too much. Depression drives us inward. I've heard this referred to as "stinking thinking" and you have to make a conscious effort to stop it. You are feeling frightened, anxious and vulnerable - even those people you think are picking up on your wariness are wary and feel vulnerable and anxious themselves sometimes.
You have to keep reminding yourself that "people are not that frightening. Nor are they that powerful. We make them frightening through our own perceptions - not because they actually are" (I repeat this to myself sometimes). It's a very harsh world we live in and an awful lot of people feel isolated.
You've been through some tough times and now you've come out the other end okay? A little bit bruised but essentially intact?
Try for a while to forget about yourself and concentrate on other people - show a genuine interest in other people and their stories. Make a conscious effort to stop negative thoughts about yourself. I think your question gave the answer - in that you know you have to wear your heart on your sleeve and risk getting hurt. I gave this quote in another thread but I still think it applies to you too "everybody has something interesting to contribute because everybody is unique. There is no such thing as an ordinary life. Understand that you will begin to connect with other people. And in that connection, you may find that you lose your fear of other people, as well as your fear of yourself".

jcoote

the worst thing that u can do is regress.

try to positive and allow your self worth to guide u if u can, rather than your pain.

because u will push people away or attract the wrong kinda people who will take advantage of your trust issues.

just keep smilin and if u don't feel u can do it try talkin to someone who can guide u

best of luck

Black Swan

Whoa! I can identify with you. Although my circumstances are somewhat different, the issue of trust with men is a big one. I keep my guard up a lot, not let them get too close, and sometimes miss out on meeting someone nice because of it. Then I kick myself afterwards.

You need to open yourself up a bit. No, not throw yourself at someone, but be more open and take a few risks with guys. I got lucky, inspite of myself, and met someone a few months back. I am so glad I dropped my guard and let him in.

metaoblivia

I hear where you're coming from, OP.
I had a traumatic experience that prevented me from dating seriously for three years. For a brief portion of that time I almost lived like a hermit. I put thick curtains over the windows and kept them shut all the time, so no one could see into my home. I didn't talk to people I didn't know, I couldn't even look at them. I didn't go out. I cut myself off from the world. Then time passed and I realized that I couldn't spend the rest of my life hiding.
I started going out with friends in large groups. I socialized more. I met new people. I still couldn't date anyone, but I felt like what I had been through was so traumatic that dating shouldn't be on my agenda. I needed to set things straight with myself first. I needed to come to terms with what had happened. Sometimes that takes a while.
When I did feel ready for a relationship, I didn't try to force anything. I didn't want to jump into something just to see if I was ready or not. When an opportunity presented itself, I took it and enjoyed myself a lot. I had a lot of fun and was able to open myself up. The relationship didn't work out, but that didn't really matter. I knew I could handle it again.
Pace yourself. Try going out with friends and just having fun, not letting any thoughts of meeting someone get in the way. Don't jump into anything just for the heck of it. Sometimes things happen that you can't recover from in a heartbeat.